[AND ANOTHER ONE] --
I talked to some of you and a couple of other people yesterday, and I said and I thought that I just wouldn't, couldn't let Babe's death put me back into a paralyzing depression. I just thought I couldn't go through all of this again and that I wouldn't because I have some very important things I want to do with my life.

Maybe it's just right now, this last hour or so, but my heart is breaking and it's so heavy again -- aching for Babe and Hannah, and for all the sadness in this world and all of my friends on this site who share the same pain.

I feel so tired again, so tired again. I feel sick again today. I just want the pain to go away, and it won't, and I don't know what to do. I am so disappointed in myself.
Maggie has for some reason taken to lying under the dresser since the other night, and the little puppy is chewing phone cords, biting on me, his bed, my phone, pulling clothes off of chairs, barking at Maggie and everything else you would expect a little puppy to do, but I have no peace here! That is another reason I feel so bad -- I was going to take these last few days and try to train him and spend time with him and Maggie AND BABE!!!! This is exactly what happened with Babe -- I was too depressed about Hannah to love him like I wished I had (I did do lots of special things with Babe after Hannah, but not nearly enough. I don't know if I mentioned here before, but I let him sleep in a little basket in my bed for three or four nights after Hannah was gone. He was a comfort; I just didn't realize how much!)

I was searching on the net awhile ago for some message of hope and encouragement to post for us all. I can't feel it right now. I couldn't find it.

So, I'm sorry because this isn't what I wanted you all to hear from me today. I feel so much despair right this minute. Maybe just writing to you all will help again, but I didn't want to "bring anyone down" again today.

Here are two things I did find, and I'm going to post them:
This is what I hope for myself, and for all of you as well:

Untitled
by Laura

There is a grief that ages the face and hardens the heart
Yet softens the spirit…

A grief that casts shadows on the eyes
Yet broadens the mind…
A grief that keeps the pain and has no words
But increases the understanding…

There is a grief that breaks the heart and wounds the soul,
That lasts and lasts and can shatter in a minute,
But will inspire for a lifetime.[/COLOR]
AND

This is what I'm afraid has happened to me and will continue to happen, unless I can "get a grip" on myself:

BY Eugene O'Neill:

"None of us can help the things life has done to us.
They're done before you realise it,
and once they're done
they make you do other things,
until at last
everything becomes between you and what you'd like to be,
and you have lost your true self forever."
I got both of these poems from the following site:
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/jofh/kirsti...md/lifegref.htm

I do so very much thank you for your support and care. I'll keep trying . . . You've all been so good to me.

Bring us down??? Are you crazy?? That's what we're HERE for!!! When you're down you are SUPPOSED to let us know - to vent and cry and go on a verbal rampage with us. If you don't let the pressure out you'll explode - so let it out!!!

We can't always choose how we feel - or WHEN we feel things... BUT what you CAN do it take a few minutes, go look at that puppy - and give YOURSELF some play time.

These feelings may continue for a long while - just don't dwell on them. Let them happen and let the tears come - then get up, go hug the puppy and give Maggie a treat or two.

Have some ice cream and rent a funny movie. It may sound trite, but it works. What you need are some distractions to keep you from dwelling on your grief.

This is perfectly natural - grief doesn't disappear overnight. Our thoughts are with you

Thank you for your response and your suggestions. I AM trying so hard. I did just awhile ago give the two dogs a little special dog food mixed in with their dry food. I cleaned Babe's little cage and put some of his feathers together. I covered his cage.

And yes, honestly, I do feel a little crazy right now. I really do. That's part of the problem. I KNOW so very well that I need to keep moving on. It's just that right now, I am down, down, down -- sorry for myself too, I guess. I'll get better. I know I will -- again.

Hi Marcia,

My home computer is still down, and probably will be for a while, so I can't email you. I also have limited online time here at work.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I'm not doing well myself today. I'm missing Luba just like it happened yesterday, even though tomorrow it will be six weeks. I found one of her balls under a tree out in the backyard and just about went to pieces.

I am going to counselling because I don't want to become clincally depressed.

Maybe tomorrow will be better for both of us....

Marcia and Steph, you are both in my prayers. I am so sorry that you are both feeling so bad. Marcia, you have sustained two losses, and that is a lot on anyone's plate. Please be good to yourself, even if you are in the throes of grief. Hannah and Babe know you loved them.

Hang in there Marcia,

Everyday won't feel the same. You won't always feel so down. And banish the thought that we expect you to feel any particular way. It would be great if this greiving was a slow steady improvement, but from what I can tell, it's more like a cosmic bunny hop-two hops forward one hop back. You're just on a back hop.

I have been missing Solas so much these days. The other cat, Snowball, is also black (we like irony here at McGovernville ) Sometimes I think he's Solas. Like if I catch him out of the corner of my eye. And sometimes I think that or forget that Solas is gone. I had the same thing happen to me when my Dad died. I'd think, "Oh, I should call him" and then the horrible let down when I realised I couldn't. You know what's sad, I just realised that I had Solas longer than my Dad. He was outlived by a house cat . He died when I was 12 and I was lucky enough to have Solas for 16 years. My sweet Solas. He was so loving. He had such a loud purr. I remember when I got married my husband couldn't sleep with the noise of him. Guess who would end up leaving the bed!

Oh, well, I miss him a lot today.

Hugs to everyone
Ariel

Hi marcia--
so sorry you had such a down day! I wanted to call you today but we drove to mt st helens and were gone for hours
I love Eugene O'neill but I will also admit nothing he ever wrote made me feel very optimistic!
I really liked the first poem alot!
I hope to be able to talk to you tomorrow
I am thinking of you and hoping that you feel better !!
Patti

Hi,

I just have a minute but have been crying today, missing, NEEDING my Little Girl SO much!!!! So I had to check in here.

Ten years ago today I had a "near" near-death experience. Earlier today I was thinking of that, and it was very inspiring---but for some reason it got me thinking about why I had even taken that trip to Florida (the experience happened on the way home after that trip) when LITTLE GIRL was here! How could I have even left the house for one hour, let alone have taken week-long trips sometimes? Of course I know that isn't a realistic thought, but I've been dwelling on the many times in the first 9 years of her life when I let her down because I was either on these occasional trips or too mixed up to realize what a (who) I had, and to cherish every day with her.

Marcia, we can talk again soon. My thoughts are with you. --and you, Steph.

Sending prayers to everyone who is hurting,

Kathy

I lost my beloved little yorkie, Ozzie, about 5 weeks ago. The pain was almost un-bearable. I didn't eat for a week and I was in total shock and denial. Five weeks later I am beginning to feel better but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I also talk to him as if he were here because I feel he is still near and I want him to know that I am thinking of him.
I happened to watch a John Edwards show where a man came through for his daughters. One of the messages that came through was that the two dogs that had died before his passing were with him. I took great comfort in hearing that and knowing that I too will someday be re-united with my Ozzie and all the little souls that I had throughout my life which gave me great pleasure.
I know how hard it is too loose something special. I know how it is to feel that I had this oh so special creature in my life and now it is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring it back. It makes you feel alone and helpless. It is also very frightening because you see how fragile life can be and also how devastating it can be and it's impossible to do anything about it.
I too also have birds that are a real joy and make me smile. I always look after all my kids as if they were made out of gold. I was always aware of how easy it was for accidents to happen and did everything in my power to foresee and protect them from those. Unfortunately one day while I was tending to them I was distracted and as a result my worst nightmare came to be. I inadvertantly caused the death of one of my feathered kids becasue of it. He was very special to me as he loved only me and wanted to be with me all the time. This contributed to his death. The guilt that I felt was the worst feeling I could ever have. All I could think about was how I let him down because I couldn't be 100% all the time. It took a long time for me to come to grips with what I did and the guilt.
I think about him everyday and the guilt still hurts but not as much as the loss itself. I know that I did everything in my power to protect him and care for him in the best way possible. The only problem was that I am human and no matter how hard I tried I could not overcome the fact that as a human I can't be 100% all the time.
I am not going to tell you that it will heal and the pain will go. If I did I would be lying. I know for myself that I will carry what I feel to the grave but I don't dwell on it and have put it away in my mind and heart. I carry the pain and accept it as a lesson in life. I also take comfort in knowing that one day I will be re-united with him also.
You cannot allow yourself to get caught up in self pity. It won't bring the lost one back and if there our others that depend on you they will also suffer.
You can only have faith and accept that everyone makes mistakes. Believe me when I say that if I can make a mistake as huge as I did then anyone can. The worst part is that mistakes can happen at anytime and no matter how careful you are they still happen.
Don't beat yourself up over something you can't control. Just take enjoyment from those things that give you joy for as long as you can and take care of those special things as best you can knowing that you can't be 100% all the time. No one can.
I hope that you can find comfort in the other creatures in your life as they will become special to you also and always remember that they need you to look after them as best you can.
Take care.

Just wanted to send hugs and understanding to BabyHannahsMom and all above. I enjoyed those poems, and wanted to add a couple that give me a little comfort:

“We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan.” From “The Once Again Prince” by Irving Townsend

Divine Spirit, hear and bless
Thy beasts and singing birds:
And guard with tenderness
Small things that have no words.

I wonder how long the habits of 15 years will last and stab me, like automatically stepping around the place where the food dishes used to be - stepped in the water dish too many times to count - taking out some cold chicken or leftover meat and thinking, "I'll chop some up for Samantha........." --opening up the can of tuna and nobody comes.........
But on the bright side, every one is a reminder of my little sweetheart, who will be always with me, she and the ones who have gone on before. At night I still say, as I have for over 15 years, " Time go seep now, Possum" and imagine her and Buddy and the others resting at the Rainbow Bridge.

I just have to add this:

Last night, as I wrote to Marcia in this thread, I thought about sharing the same verse that Athena shared!! I have a wood-burned plaque I got out last night with that verse on it, and I turned it over to try and find who wrote it. (It didn't say... but now I know.)

Synchronicity!

Thank you all again so much for your comforting words and support.

Kathy, I too have had many an unrealistic thought, such as yours. We have to constantly remind ourselves we are only human and, although we love our babies so very, very much, we sometimes have needs that don't always correspond to those of "the kids" -- we do also need human friends and contact. We expect and demand so much of ourselves sometimes, and we don't give ourselves credit when it is due, but oh how critical we can be when we make "mistakes."

John, thanks so much for your words of wisdom and for sharing your story. Yes, life is so fragile -- it can be taken away in just a heartbeat and how easily we forget that!

Athena and Kathy, I gathered some poems a little while ago to post here today -- you will see that I too had chosen the same one, and I will go ahead and post it again . . . ??

My new post is entitled: Poems for Comfort & Hope and Let's Join Together

Love to you all,
Marcia

P.S. The "new" dogs are doing well and behaving better much better.
I find I am becoming somewhat "attached" to both of them . . . They too are God's little creatures.