On July 6th 2003 my cat "Bean" died from heart disease - he was diagnosed in Dec 2001 was on medication and had been doing really well but suddenly became very ill and passed away. I thought I was going to die too - he was my special little man and I loved him so much. But now something awful has happened. Mimi, Bean's mother is dead and I killed her. I reversed my car over her yesterday morning, I always check to see if any of the cats are near the car but I didn't yesterday, I don't know why I didn't check I always check. Oh God I killed my Mimi. I don't know what to do. I keep reliving it and feeling the bump as the car went over her. I just don't know why I didn't check - I always do, when anyone comes to my house I always make them check before they drive away but I didn't and I killed Mimi. I'm just not coping with this at all. First Bean and now Mimi, How will I ever get over this . Its my fault - I killed her.

Lisa

Oh Lisa you poor darling I know you must be feeling awful, but you didn’t kill her it was an accident.
Life is full of these test, we don’t know why, but these things happen and we have to learn from them, They break our hearts and we think we just cant live with what has happened but somehow we do, maybe that’s the lesson learned, I don’t know.
Maybe Mimi was jealous that Bean was at Rainbow Bridge and wanted to be with him, animals seem to have such an acute sixth sense I would have thought the sound of your engine starting up would have alerted her to move.
Please don’t punish yourself for something that in all probability isn’t your fault, I really feel that if she was ok she would have moved when you started your car.
Take care
Love Sue

Oh, Lisa, you poor thing!!!! I know it hurts, I know you are just torn up inside. Please read the other posts and know that we ALL feel responsible when our pets die, that some of us have even had to CHOOSE their time and date of death. But it is not your fault little Mimi is gone.

I am also sorry you have had to suffer two such terrible losses in such a short period of time. I also lost two pets within three weeks of each other, and for awhile I hurt so bad I thought I might just die with them. About all you can probably do now is cry (and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry). That's all I did for a solid month. But eventually, you do cry less.

Do what you can to keep remembering them, and to honor their memory. Put their pictures on the wall, make a web page for them, make scrap books or collages. Plant things for them. If you can bury them or have them cremated, do so, and take care of their remains. Tell people who understand what special wonderful kitties they were... Have services for them (I know it sounds kinda silly, but it can help). Put their special things (tags, collars, toys, etc) in a special place or make a memorial box. Some people wear their tags for comfort.

It's just going to hurt for awhile. Try to be ok with that. I know it feels like you can't breath, but it will get easier. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. Eat your favorite foods. Spoil yourself. This is a hard time, just like losing a human loved one (although too many people don't understand that) and be very gentle with yourself.

I will say a special prayer for you and Bean and Mimi.

Love,
Jennifer

I am very sorry such horrible things have happened in your life Lisa. But you have to realize that you didn't kill her. When an accident happens it HAPPENS. It isn't anyone's "fault".

Keep talking to us - keep crying - keep falling asleep with tears on your cheeks and we'll help you feel better.

You know that you would NEVER have done that on purpose!!! You are allowed to feel guilty but you have to try not to let it rob you of the memory of her and the grief you feel at her passing.

Lisa, my thoughts are with you. I am still getting over the loss of my beloved dog Lucky on 11th July and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to face such a double tragedy.

It will get better. I find it is really helpful to talk to someone who knows and understands exactly what you are going through and knows that the loss of a pet can be a massively traumatic experience. This website is the perfect place to do that.

Please do not blame yourself it will only make things worse

You have my deepest sympathy

Steve

Lisa,
I'm in your camp
I accidentally killed a companion animal the other day, I'm sorry but I can't talk about it here because I am too ashamed.

Dear ComeBackScott, accidents are a part of our life we are all so busy with a million things on our mind and maybe not as aware of what is going on around us as we should be. We have all done something by accident and felt guilt and shame and as bad as these accidents may be, once we have spoken the words and cried we can start to heal and forgive ourselves.

This is something that you MUST talk about and if not to us then who?

We have no idea who you are where you live the most we MIGHT be able to find out is what country you come from and even the smallest of those is huge.

Maybe it is *I* who should not be able to say what I did as when I lost Jude it was no accident, I actually planned her death, said OK DO IT, kill her. – Certainly no accident so therefore it should have been me be that is ‘too ashamed’ to talk about it here!!!!!

If you still feel you cant post here then at least type out your story and cry and a lot while typing it and feel the pain and let it come to the surface and let out some of the hurt you are feeling. Type everyday or as often as you feel you need, this will affect you for the rest of your life and needs to be dealt with now rather than letting it fester inside you.

The people on this site are compassionate people and the only people we judge are those that throw animals onto the street and DELIBERATLY hurt them.

Please take care and find someone to talk to.

Love Sue.

Dear Sue,
The reason I am ashamed is because it was a result of my mishandling of the animal that resulted in his injury and death. I was mourning my own loss of Scott at the time and was not in the mood for mischief. So when he acted up, I attempted to discipline him and ended up destroying him. What kind of animal lover is that? One who deliberately inflicted pain upon another life and for what gain? What possessed me to hit him? What did I expect to accomplish from that? How could I have been so cruel. Why didn't I see it coming? I am a horrible animal abuser and I shouldn't be around them if I cannot control my emotions, the price is too high.
I can say no more

Many years ago my nephew was screaming the rude *C* word at my face, he said he wasn’t actually saying the word but something that sounded like it (I never did find out what it was he was actually saying).

Anyway the purpose of my telling you this is that I lashed out and slapped him round the face, I could not believe it, where did it come from, was it really my hand.

That stayed with me for years and is still with me, dredged up sifted through and guilt ridden filed away again.

A few years later I talked to him about it apologised and asked for his forgiveness – he didn’t even remember the incident.

You seem to know about counselling, hopefully because you are already having sessions yourself, if not perhaps you should seek out a counsellor, you need to talk to someone, this is going to stay with you for many years and in time may even make you depressed or even have a breakdown. The mind is very complex and can turn you against yourself with the negativity that is stored there. Find a way to let out the negativity, with prayer, counselling or my own way has been to meditate and read and read about the spiritual side of us that most of us deny is there.

Betty Shine wrote a book called Mind Waves, very interesting reading about how the negativity we store can makes us ill.

Good Luck

Love Sue

To all those who are hurting, I've just been given a phrase that has inspired me.

Adapt and Overcome

Dear Sue,
I'm glad that you didn't kill your nephew when you slapped him. I apologized to the owner, and she has told me to let it go. I have sought out numerous sources to try and sort this messy business out. The only one that has made any impact on me is the one that gave me that above statement. I think I have what I need to move on now. &%^yzing the past is not going to solve anything.
And you can bet I ain't never gonna take a swing at an animal ever, ever, ever again-that accident will never occur at my hands ever again. The price is too high.


Dear Lisa,
I recall another person who ran over her cat while backing into the driveway, I think it was on this message board in 2002. The cat looked at her like "why did you do that?" and passed away. You are not alone.

When I was a kid, we had a lot of hamsters.... Actually, **I** had a lot of hamsters, my brother only had one. Fat Albert. So anyway, one day I was playing with Fat Albert, he was out of his cage, and my brother was there, and the mf bit me. Bit that section of flesh between my thumb and pointer fingers. Bit HARD. And wouldn't let go. I began shaking my hand and he wouldn't let go. I was screaming and shaking my hand and he wouldn't let go. And soon, I was flailing my hand and -- he finally came off. He hit the wall and slid to the floor. My brother picked him up and he seemed ok, but the next morning, he was dead. My brother never said anything, no one did. But we all know I killed that hamster.

I still feel ashamed. It was a dumb animal. I certainly was not TRYING to throw him against the wall. But I did want him to let go of my hand.

Now, I am having some trouble with my puppy. She responds to me different than she does my husband. She thinks I am not Alpha. She's part chow and part big, and she is gonna be very big, and I have to establish that **I** am alpha. And it is hard. And I am kinda old school -- rewards are great, but you have to be able to spank a dog. When I spank her, she tries to bite me -- and not in a nice way. I am usually spanking her bc she has already bitten me -- in play, but much too hard. Now, I am NOT trying to hurt her, and if I did, I can't imagine how bad I'd feel. ...

What I am trying to say is -- I do not believe you were trying to hurt that animal. Things happen --animals bite and humans bite back... Many of us have CHOSEN to kill our loved ones and -- we can't get over that. You probably should NOT hit an animal (you or me, or the general you), but when they are doing something they should not be doing, sometimes we react...

We all have things that we must adapt to and overcome...

When Jude and Sadie were young and the biting had to stop I would yelp and then whimper like a dog if they bit me, I felt extremely foolish but it did the trick and the look on their faces amused me enormously

To Saki and Freyja's mom,
You were on the defensive, I was on the offensive. You were trying to get away from the animal and struck out in fear, I was trying to correct an animal and struck out in anger (or temporary insanity, or stupidity, or whatever reason). You didn't kill the hampster. I hit the animal with the intention to inflict pain as punishment, because that was how I was taught to deal with misbehavior. As I stated, I will never hit another animal again because the sight of blood gushing from his nose is forever buried in my memories as a result of my violent discipline.
I can offer you a better way to deal with biting- pinch his nostrils shut. That cuts off his wind and he will open his mouth and let go of your hand. That's how I trained my birds, with chickens you can pinch their windpipe and they will let go. I have these less violent approaches, and being an anti-abuse person myself I can't believe I struck out and did not forsee what the result would be, I thought he'd shape up. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
As much as I have been told, "It was an accident, You are human and make mistakes, You didn't kill him," I still will always remember that my choice ended his life in seconds. I am not a very forgiving person, how do you forgive yourself for intentional actions that have caused death of a living thing?
I'm still adapting, I'm still trying to overcome. Good words from some unknown genious. Philosophies like these have kept me alive.

My little buddy Ringo the Caique died from inhalation of fumes from an overheated Teflon pan while I was away on vacation a few days back and my 17 year old son was home alone making mac and cheese. He fell asleep watching tv while waiting for the water to boil.

I can't get beyond the guilt... if only I had gotten rid of the Teflon pans, if only I had raised a more responsible child, if only I didn't go on vacation...

I know it was an accident. But I don't know how to move forward. I am so afraid I will get angry with my son. I can't cry around him because it makes him feel worse. But I can't bottle up my feelings inside. I am heartbroken.

I did not realize birds were so susceptible to teflon fumes, but knowing they used small birds as
early warning systems against gases and poisons in places such as mines, it makes sense. condolensces
on your loss, and please do not blame yourself...these things happen sometimes.

I left an electric hob on once and before going out put some papers on top of the hob, luckily my husband came home finding the whole bungalow filled with black smoke. Thank god my dogs survived this with no ill effects.

I was in my 30s at the time and would consider myself a responsible adult, many a time I have left a gas grill on a candle burning when I have gone to bed, left potatoes to boil dry – maybe I'm not so responsible after all.

Don’t be too hard on your son I'm sure he is feeling awful about what happened and would give anything to have not had it happen, maybe the two of you should cry together instead of hiding how you are feeling from each other.

The only way I know of to get passed this is too cry it lets out those emotions that would otherwise eat us alive.

Give your son a hug and tell him you know it was only an accident and hopefully you can cry together.

Anger is part of the grieving process and you should find a way to let it out, when you are home alone one day and no one can hear you let the anger come to the surface and scream while punching a pillow.


Love Sue

rubberduck,
Oh the horrors! I have heard that teflon releases highly carcinogenic gases and is no longer recommended for cooking pans. It can cause flulike symptoms in people.
It's true that if a canary dies in a coal mine, you better get out of there immediately.
Boy, I hope your son is okay (healthwise and emotionally). And I hope someday you will be okay too.
To everyone who read my blatant posts on this string, I have dealt with and accepted my loss now.
It was a tragic mistake, it's over, life goes on. Even the owner has put it behind her. Now I have put it behind me.
There was a light at the end of the tunnel. It just took a lot of soul searching and time to find it.
Sue,
I'm glad your dogs were safe. I unplug everything, even the stove, after use so I never leave something on when I leave.
My family rolls their eyes at me, but it takes the anxiety out of using electric appliances.
To everyone who has had accidents- Boy, don't we all feel stupid sometimes! Oh well, death is part of life, we cannot stop it or reverse it.
Sometimes I wish life was a videotape that we could rewind and record over the bad stuff. The past is indestructible, but the future is ours to control.