I have been coming to this board the past few day, reading posts and crying along with everyone. I haven't been able to share how I feel, really feel, with most of my friends and family because I worry they won't understand my saddness for the loss of my sweet kitten. I lost Goldie about a week ago very suddenly. It's amazing how quickly our lives can change- I went to bed Tuesday thinking all was fine and woke up the next morning to find Goldie lying by my bed, dead. This is a scene I can't seem to get out of my head- I will never forget the feeling of picking her up and feeling her limp in my arms. I am devastated. Ever since I rescued her from the mean streets of Chicago, she has been my sweet, baby girl. She would meet me at the door most days and if I meowed she would come running.
Goldie (in the avatar) was only 6 years old, so I thought we had many years left together. And now I am left with feelings of guilt and wondering what happened...why?! I was so desperate to know why, I had her sent out for a necropsy, hoping it would make me feel better. I guess I hoped to find out there was absolutely nothing I could have done, that she had some congenital heart condition or something upredictable. Instead I was told she had asthma, possibly pnuemonia or an allergic reaction, but not serious enough that it should have been fatal and the findings were inconclusive as to the cause of death. I never once saw Goldie cough or have difficulty breathing and I just keep thinking what did I miss. She really seemed fine, healthy, always running and playing. I know I need to get passed this, but it's just so hard and I miss her soooo much. My friends keep telling me that I should be grateful she went quickly and didn't suffer, but I guess I'm just selfish. I want her back.
It has really helped being able to come to this forum and see that I'm not alone. I know with time it will get better, at least I hope. Thanks for listening.
I miss and love you dearly, my sweet Goldie.

It is such a shock when a young pet dies unexpectedly. I don't blame you for wanting her back. My 3 yr old Zita disappeared and I keep thinking if she's in spirit (which I'm pretty sure she is), I want her to reincarnate. I would come up with any plan to bring her back to me if I had the power to do it.

I don't know why these things happen. It is hard to see it as a "life lesson" when it hurts so much and when you didn't have a chance to say goodbye.

I found the poems posted on my section about Zita ("In a Black State of Mind") comforting. Still, it's been over a month and I still wake up every morning with disbelief and sadness. I have lost pets of disease and old age and though it was very, very hard, it was never so painful like this.

All I can say, is it does hurt. It is hard to hear words of reassurance that she is with you in spirit etc. when you don't feel her physical presence. I think on the spirit world side there is not the sense of time like here. Here it seems forever until we meet them on Rainbow Bridge, but I think they can check in on us, and know from a broader perspective that we will be with them soon. Having said that I think they miss us too. The difficult thing is going on in our physical world without them.

It isn't easy, that's for sure.

take care

Jan.

I am so sorry for your loss -- Goldie sounds like she was a very special girl. My Smooshie was a rescue kitty also and remained wary of strangers for all of her 15 years, but like your Goldie, came running to me nearly every time I called her.

I do think I know how you feel. When my other cat Little Girl died a year ago, I was out of my mind trying to find out WHY she died. I poured over her vet records as if finding some sort of error in them would bring her back to me. I had so much anger at the vets who treated her (diabetes which quickly led to kidney failure) also.

PLEASE try to let your guilt go: it's obvious by your post that you loved her very much and would have done whatever you could have to help her. And you're certainly not selfish for wanting her back. I know what you mean --there were times when my grief was so intense I couldn't quite seem to grasp that there was nothing I could do to have them back.

And yes: it will get better. You will never, ever forget her and that's good but the pain will soften, it will get easier. You loved your Goldie and that love was real, therefore, so is your grief. We know, us animal lovers, we understand. It will get easier, however, I promise.

Dear Donna, my deepest sympathies for your loss, too early you must feel so frustrated but you have no guilt to be had, how could you!!! This happens, fortunately not often but it does even for human beings, who knows why a sudden brain aneurism or what, often the professionals don't really know, they hate to admit it but they don't have all the answers. My little Felix once collapsed outside when he was about 3 years old, several hundreds of dollars later they told me perhaps it was seasonal asthma, or a bacteria or a virus. They had given him antibiotics just in case I don't know it this helped then he went on to live another 10 years but even the vets thought they had nearly lost him back then. I hug you, all of us here know how hard it is to lose your baby like that. Please know that it will get better, meanwhile come stay with us when you are with your grief, we all understand your pain here.

Donna,

I am so so sorry for your loss of sweet Goldie.

It's hard when they go suddenly and you don't have a chance to say goodbye. (Of course, it is alwo hard when they go slowly).

From what I understand, cats, better than any animal, can hide any respiratory distress. So I don't think it is that odd that you would not notice a little asthma or whatever.

I am sorry that the necropsy was not more informative. I understand your need for information, but I think also, even if you knew the exact cause of death, you would still wonder "Why?!!!"

Again, I am sorry for your loss, for the pain and sorrow you feel now.

--Jennifer

I am so sorry for your loss. My Little Guy's been gone since Sept and of course I still grieve and miss him a lot. My thread is the How Do I Stop Crying? well, so far my answer is I still cry. Your story brought tears to my eyes...and reminded me of just how much I also miss my friend.

I'm glad you had the necropsy done. What they found was "not serious enough that it should been fatal"....well, something there was fatal. That is not an answer.
You talk about guilt...you talk about What did I miss? Think about the fact that if the experts doing the necropsy couldn't find anything...there wasn't anything you missed! Years ago I had a dog at the vet getting treatment and I got a call at 11 PM one night telling me the dog had just died (this was not expected). I asked for an autopsy and the findings told to me was they had NO IDEA why she died..they could find no physical evidence that could have caused her death. That can also tell you Goldie was not hiding anything inside that was causing her to suffer. You say all you saw was her running and playing...she was doing okay. That has to be comforting...you didn't watch her go steadily downhill and know there was nothing you could do to stop it. Losing her the way you did is the height of unfairness but as we all know..life really is not fair. You should have been given more time but that is something we cannot control. The missing never goes away but the grief, over time, becomes manageable and, at some future time, if we share our heart with another special friend, their need of us helps us accept the past as something we can't change and makes the present we live in more tolerable even when not fair. Goldie sounds really special and you will never forget her or replace her but you may find comfort in helping another when you are ready. Come here and talk as often as you need to.......there is a bond here of understanding and caring....

Donna,

I am very sorry to read of your loss of your precious Goldie. We will never understand why some pet's pass away at a young age. I believe we often blame ourselves because we want someone to blame. But the truth is that animals often hide their health issues. A vet once explained this to me. He stated that it is their instinct to go on whether they are in pain or not.

I know it was extremely difficult to lose Goldie in this manner. But having a pet go peacefully in their sleep is truly a blessing. This rarely every happens. I know this is hard to understand because you miss her so much. Try and focus on the joy that she brought to your life...vs the way she left the world. You will cry but the tears are your body's way of healing itself. In time your pain will be replaced by the happy memories that Goldie brought to you.

Dear Donna,
You have nothing to blame yourself for. I would take the vet's words at word's worth. They could not find anything that would otherwise cause this. Animals are great hiders of disease and problems. It is natural instinct to hide disease, for in the wild, the weakest don't make it. So to protect themselves, their age old instincts tell them to pretend there is nothing wrong. It truly sounds to me that there was nothing you did wrong or could have done to prevent this. Send the guilt far away. You have nothing to feel guilty about. On the contrary, you adored this kitty and loved her so much in her short life that she will know that she was a beloved creature and not one that was left behind on the streets of Chicago. A wonderful woman named Donna took her home and loved her for as long as she was supposed to. Who knows why some of our pets go earlier than we want or we think they should? I have to trust that God has his reasons to send them into the care of St. Francis to wait til we come some day. I believe God has other plans for these creatures. Maybe they are taken over the Rainbow Bridge to teach the new ones just coming to earth how to survive or to learn the ways of the world. I like to believe that my Orion who was taken from us at 11 yrs old with 2 diseases, (how unfair is that, that he would have to suffer 2 illnesses at one time?) is helping little kittens who are on their way to earth. If I can hold onto that, I can still grieve for him and yet feel that he is still important and *alive* in some way. You sound like you were a wonderful pet parent and you loved your kitty unconditionally. Believe that Goldie knows this and is waiting for your time, in the future to join her. You have much love left to give here on earth and there are so many creatures who need us, the ones that are chosen to be the caretakers of God's beautiful creatures, because he knows we have enough love to go around and that our hearts will heal with each animal we care for and love. And the love we receive in return from these beautiful creatures has to be worth the pain of saying goodbye, even if it is a temporary separation. I know we all will cross the Rainbow Bridge someday and we will be swarmed by all the animals we loved and who loved us on this earthly plane and that love is going to wash over us and wash away all the pain we have here on this earth.
Your Goldie is over the Rainbow Bridge at the feet of St Francis and meeting all of the animals who have gone there. They are watching us and glad that we all found one another here to help each other through the loss of our beautiful pet children.
Please know that I am hugging you with the knowledge of one who knows the same pain and together we can all help each other to learn to smile again someday at the memory. It will take time, but we all will get there.
Susan

"I found the poems posted on my section about Zita ("In a Black State of Mind") comforting. Still, it's been over a month and I still wake up every morning with disbelief and sadness. I have lost pets of disease and old age and though it was very, very hard, it was never so painful like this."

Thanks,Zita's Mom. Everyday gets a little easier- nighttime is the worst for me. I just look down next to my bed, and relive it all. I'm thinking about switching bedrooms- being in the room where she died is difficult. I'm so sorry about your loss of Zita. She sounds like a little angel. And the poems were comforting.
It was about a year ago I lost my older kittie, Mookie. She was 17 and became sick. I was very,very sad, but losing Goldie so suddenly and at a young age has been much more painful.

KimL- Thanks for your reply and support. It is getting easier, but I still struggle with the guilt. Rationally, I know it isn't my fault, but it's still hard to believe my baby would just collapse and die so suddenly and that there was nothing I could have done. I've poured over the vet reports, and there is just no answer. No answer is hard to accept, but I have no choice.

Saki and Freyga's mom- Thanks. You're right, I may still have wondered why my baby, even with more answers. I guess I thought knowing would maybe help me get past the guilt. I guess that would depend on the answer. Not getting to say goodbye is definitely hard, but I hope she knew how much I loved her and would have done anything to prevent this. It's interesting to learn that cats can so easily hide their distress.

Lovethem- Thanks. Not finding any answers from the necropsy was so hard. But I remind myself knowing wouldn't bring her back. And I'm thinking it won't be long before I find another little friend to bring into my home. I still have 2 kitties at home now, Peanut and Ramona, who are such a comfort through this. I'm so sorry for your loss too. It really helps to know we're not alone, doesn't it.

LoveLabs- Thanks. I'm very grateful it seems she didn't suffer. If she was hiding her illness, I do worry that she may have been hiding some degree of suffering. But she was a love bug and playful to the end, so hopefully her suffering (if any) was minimal.

"I like to believe that my Orion who was taken from us at 11 yrs old with 2 diseases, (how unfair is that, that he would have to suffer 2 illnesses at one time?) is helping little kittens who are on their way to earth."
Kittymamma- I love that! Helping kittens on there way to earth. I'm so sorry about Orion. Goldie was so appreciative of her home after I rescued her and never once showed an interest in going back outside. My five years with her just wasn't enough, but I was lucky to have them. I like to think of her lounging about in heaven with all my loved ones. I'm just so ready not to be sad anymore.

Thank you, everyone. You are all making this much easier, which means the world to me.

Hi Donna,
There isn't much that I can say that all of these amazing people in your thread have said. In fact, most of what I would have said I probably learned from being here in these forums. I learned that animals sometimes mask their pain and suffering and trudge on without any of us ever realizing. I learned that going to sleep and peacefully crossing the Bridge is a rarety that is sometimes the most favorable way to go (I had to put my Duffy to sleep and it seemed peaceful for him, although extremely painful for me). I learned that life is not fair and sometimes a youngster crosses the Bridge all too early and leaves us wondering what ever happened. I have read some of the most inspirational writings in Jan's thread. I have read how wonderful people like Joanne who were put on this Earth to ensure that furbabies live long and wonderful lives can sometimes have a medical "professional" take advantage of their love for their furbabies.... and that these "pros" really don't know all that they claim to.

I could ramble on but, essentially, what I really want to tell you is that I send you very positive thoughts and the truest sympathy for your pain. I am so sorry for your loss and for the fact that it left you with so many questions. I am also so sorry that little Goldie (who looks like the sweetest angel) was so young. We are all here for you to help you through.