It has been 9 days since I had to say good-bye to my sweet Sammi. Sammi was only 8 years old and I never fathomed that I would be saying good-bye to her so soon. Sammi got very sick about a week and a half ago. It first appeared that she was having the first signs of hip problems or arthritis. I felt bad about that, but figured a trip to the vet would get her some needed relief. On Thursday November 15th, my wife called me at work and said that Sammi had fallen down twice and was not acting right. I rushed home and took her to the vet. I went in fully expecting to hear that she had hip problems and we would need to get some meds, possibly some other treatments. The vet told me that she was severely, life-threateningly anemic and was in very bad shape. Sammi was quite a home-body and did not enjoy being at the vet or away from home. The vet told me that he would not recommend her being hospitalized, because she was so anxious. He gave me some very strong steroids and some other meds to try and get her body producing red blood cells again. He did tell me that the prognosis was not good. I was devastated, but prayed and followed the doctor’s orders. I stayed up with Sammi all Thursday night and carried her outside to go to the bathroom, as even very short physical exertions were just too much on her. I was bringing food and water to her and she was still eating. Friday she just declined. I took her back for a follow-up blood test and her counts had all dropped. Things were looking worse. I took her home and kept up with the meds. Friday night was a repeat of Thursday except much worse. I stayed up with Sammi on the living-room floor and she stopped eating. She vomited a few times and was very unresponsive. Her breathing became very labored and I did not think she was going to make it through the night. The next morning, she continued to decline. I prayed and wept, but she was not getting any better. We had to make a decision and we did not want her to suffer any more. Our family said our last goodbyes to our dear old friend Sammi and I took her to the vet. They were very compassionate and caring. The vet believed she probably had cancer or some other serious illness that precipitated into the severe anemia that took my Sammi. I held Sammi close and told her how much I loved her. They gave her the injection and she passed.

Now I am so sad and miss her so much. It has been over a week and I am just as sad and dejected today as I was a week ago. My wife misses her. My children miss her. And our other dog, Nikki, misses her too. But I am devastated. I know that God’s ways are not my ways and that I don’t understand everything that happens. But I feel like I lost one of my own. I feel like I failed Sammi. I regret every wrong thing that I did as a pet-owner over the years. I am just in the blackest, saddest mood that I have been for as long as I can remember. I know that the sadness will fade, and I know that it will be more manageable as time goes on. But I am just devastated. I am having a hard time coping with anything and can’t get on with things. My wife says that I have to move past it, and I know she is right, but I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat that just won’t go away. Every day after work I long to see her waiting at the door for me like she did for over 8 years. I hear a dog bark in the neighborhood and wish that it was my Sammi-girl and I weep. Every time someone at work asks how I am doing, it takes every ounce of energy not to totally fall apart.

We got Sammi from the local Humane Society 8 years ago this past July. She was just a little puppy and has always been the sweetest most loyal friend that anyone could ever have. I feel like a part of my heart has been torn out and it just hurts. I am a Christian and have faith that God will restore my precious little girl to me one day. But for now I just hurt. I just want to sleep and not face anything, but that is not an option. I have a wife, two boys and a little girl on the way in March. Plus my other dog Nikki. I know that I have to keep going, but I feel like crawling into a hole and not coming back out. If I could just have my Sammi-girl back for a week, or a day, or an hour to love on her and tell her how much she means to us. I know that is a pipe-dream and that it won’t happen, but I just miss her so much. My heart is totally sick over this whole turn of events. We never know what the day will bring us. I never thought going into Christmas time that my sweet little girl would be gone.

I know my story is not that much different than anyone else’s. I just miss my girl Sammi and feel so very sad without her. Thanks for listening. - Steve

Knowing that the pain will become more manageable with time does not make the pain less for now. For now, all you can do is feel it. Be good and gentle with your self. Treat yourself as Sammi would treat you. It's been just over a week, it is simply going to take time. I am so so sorry for your loss.

It's been such a short time that you are in the darkest part of the grief that comes with losing one who is so much a part of our hearts. It sounds like you did have 8 wonderful years and, of course, never wanted that to end. It also sounds like something happened quite suddenly and it doesn't sound like anyone knows what really happened to her. You made all the right decisions by putting her before yourself. This time, my baby left on 9/10/07 and my thought was he didn't make it for the Holidays, when families are supposed to be together, and even that he didn't make it for the Daylight Time switch in November.

This forum is a good start for you to begin a healing process..that is, being able to bear what happened and going on from there. I have found it helps to write and vent one's feelings and frustrations, as many times as needed. I put Tributes to my babies in the Tributes section so I can look at their happy and healthy pictures. I enjoy going to New Beginnings and seeing the new ones people are adding to their lives to help them deal with their loss. I am still very much coping myself but visiting this forum and talking to the wonderful, caring people here is helping me.
So.........don't hold it in.......cry, vent, whatever it takes to feel a release inside of that tightness. Read others posts and know you are not going through these feelings alone. I know it takes time but when you are badly hurting RIGHT NOW...that thought doesn't make it go away. Keep in touch here and Take Care
Little Guy's Mom...forever (and all those who went before him)

My sincere sympathies we've all been through what you're going through and it is a very trying time. I remember when I told my friends why I had not been very sociable for the weeks following my Yukon's death, they replied oh but with all you have on your hands your work and your family it mustn't be too bad...hah! little did they know...so my hobby, my escape was to go somewhere by myself and be able to let it out. Then I also found this site so I spent a lot of time doing either, I feel it helped me because I had tons of guilt as well, I have more or less sorted out my feelings and am getting better but we are who we are, and we need to be true to our familes but we also need a little me time to sort out our emotions, grief, etc..etc..etc...Courage dear heart, take care, I know how hurt you are. One day you will realize that your Sammi is still there with you in your heart and that will make you feel so much better.

I understand what you are going through. I understand your pain. I have felt it, all of it. I know you want to sleep...it is a dodge for the gut wrenching sadness you feel right now. I too put down one of my best little freinds nine months ago.

I disagree somewhat with your wife. While I understand that we must all move forward and live out our lives without our furry babies...well...it's only been nine days. Look around you here. There are people who have grieved for much longer periods of time than that...much, much longer. It took me months to come to terms with my loss and sometimes I will repeat different parts of the grief process today. I just went through the "1 year passing" of the first furbaby I lost and let me tell you I shed a lot of tears doing it. You cannot have a timeline when it comes to your grief. No one can tell you when to move on or when you should move on. This has to be done on your own time.

I read something disturbing in your post. This will add to your grief and will keep you in the past.



You must smash this belief and you must do it now. I can tell you loved your baby with all of your heart by the words in your post. This guilt is a cruel trick of the mind that preys upon the most loving of furbaby gaurdians. YOU MUST FIGHT IT!!!!! There is time to grieve but there is no time for the treacherous monster of guilt. That is the black part of your grief. You must shed yourself of it, you must purge yourself of any lurking notion at all that you were negligent now or in the past when it comes to the care of Sammi. Search yourself...you know I am right. Countless others here will tell you the same thing. Grieve your baby but for God sake...PLEASE don't beat yourself up over her.

I know the knotted stomach, the lump in the throat, the thousands of tears. I know the wishful thinking...for the return of you baby. Your post moved me deeply.

Please come here and write much and often. There are a great many people that habit this place that have been....and still are feeling the profuse woe you now feel. We will be here for you. I will watch for you...

Take care my friend..

Steve,

I'm so sorry about your Sammi and also AM one of those people John spoke of who is still grieving quite heavily, nearly 15 months later. And I will continue to for as long as I feel I need to, period! No one will take my mourning away from me if I still feel whatever it is I feel. It's our right to have our feelings, no matter what they are, or how long they last. So in this, I agree with John.

However, respectfully, I don't quite agree with stamping out regretful or guilty feelings out of hand or just because they have the potential of doing damage to ourselves. Just like any other feeling, I think we're enti*tled to have them for as long as we need to have them, and in fact, these are other so-called "negative" feelings that can help us to grow just as much as any other feelings can.

Having regrets is natural, and guilt and anger (for whatever ) are the two most common feelings people experience after a loss (this is docu*mented fact in psychiatric circles). We need to work WITH them just as much as with any other feeling, and sometimes some of us feel a need to punish ourselves with them until such time as we no longer feel we deserve it. This is our rightful choice to do so, if we so choose. This is all part and parcel of the personal grief journey.

As well, while it's not often the case in reality, there are certainly times and circu*mstances when there IS what's known as "appropriate" guilt. Our job in grief is to discover for ourselves (with professional help if needed) whether any parts of that regret or guilt is truly appropriate or not, and if we end up after much introspection (usually done over much time and with much effort, and with checking in with 'outsiders' who can be more objective) still believing we did something bad, we need to learn from it, atone for it somehow, and THEN lay it aside. At that point, it's served its purpose in our lives and helped us grow, so is no longer needed.

If we determine it's really self-punishment with no basis in reasonable terms and expectations, then we can either lay it gently aside or if needed, work more to find out WHY we're really holding onto it. Reading some good books on grief should help you to start figuring this out, if you're interested. (Therese A. Rando's "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" is a pretty good and comprehensive, basic book to consider)

I'm not in any way suggesting that what you're suffering IS appropriate guilt, but just wanted to explain this concept more fully, AND to allow you the option of carrying your regrets for as long as you want or need to. Most of us do find later, though, that we did the best we could at the time, with knowing what we knew at that time. If the loss was very sudden, it often takes many people that much more time to get to that point, though, because we have fewer answers to all the questions that arise with a loss.

The single most important part of healing from grief is in the awareness, allowing and acceptance (AAA) of EVERYTHING that you feel, as you can handle it. (not being able to handle it in any given moment is ALSO an allowable feeling!) There is no right or wrong way to feel, but feelings are an important way to get us in touch with our deepest parts, the parts from where we CAN effect our healing.

Perhaps you're just more in touch with your deeper parts than those around you are, &/or are being more honest with your feelings....and that would be a very GOOD thing. Men like you aren't as common as many of us women would like!

If writing here helps, make that a part of your grieving plan for as long as it keeps helping. If not, find what does help. There are people you can talk to here and many resources and articles already listed in some of the other forums here which I would encourage you to read through.

You have all my sympathy for the loss of your darling dog, Sammi, who became such a big part of your life in her 8 short years. I'm so very sorry....if only they could be impervious to illness and disease....

Furkidlets mom IS right about the guilt thing.... (you are a smart lady and I respect all of your words) I tend to be strong in the area of ditching guilt. I remember a time in my life when dwelling on guilt made me very ill. I just don't want it to happen to others here. All of our feelings, good or bad we are ent*itleld to. As previously stated be aware of what you are feeling. Even if you feel like you can't handle the pain you must allow yourself that too. I think if you come here to write and talk about it that your pain, however deep, and intense it may be will subside. God knows the help I recieved when I got here. The lady in the post above was one of them........and I shall be forever grateful for her help

Steve,

I am so sorry that you lost your sweet dog Sammi. Please know that you dideverything possible to help Sammi. When we lose our fur babies I feel we are on a roller coaster of emotions. We hurt so bad that we want someone to blame...so we blame ourselves. Did we do enough? Miss a signal from our pet that something was wrong? A vet once told me that animals often hide their pain or health problem from us. That is why we often don't realize something is wrong until it is serious. I personally know it's even harder when your pet passes at a young age.

Grieving for a loss is a process...and it does take time. Everyone "moves on" when they are ready.

Put all of your guilt behind you and recall all of the wonderful times you spent with Sammi. At first this may be hard for you and you will cry. But tears are a way for the body to heal. As time goes on you will begin to recall the happy memories and smile. You'll laugh at the silly things Sammi used to do. She was very fortunate that you adopted her from the shelter. She couldn't have had a better more loving home. She is now watching over you and will always hold a special place in your heart.