This time, I don't even know where to start.

I joined this board over 4 years ago in 2003 when, over a very short period of time, my dog had to be put to sleep, my grandma died, my cat died, and the other cat had to be put to sleep. All unrelated, and though they all died of different things, for all of the old age played a role.

Eventually we rebuilt a new family with two dogs and two sister cats. The sister cats were not lap cats, so we got a third cat, Banshee. Then one of the sister cats died suddenly and mysteriously. We think it was a heart attack. So I was out here for awhile again then.

But this one is so much harder.

I was out on this board pretty much day and night in the summer of 2003. And I learned a lot about grief in that time. I learned about the guilt and how guilty we all feel. I learned to expect my denial and anger to come in bursts, not stages... I don't think I would have survived the period without this board, I really believe it saved my life.

And I don't want to be here again. It's not fair! I shouldn't have to come out here for 5-10 years at least.

But here I am.

Banshee is a very special cat. And she has FeLv and I DO NOT SEE how this is possible. We have no idea of her age, but she was dumped, pregnant about three years ago in front of a animal shelter. A rescue group took her in and tested her for FeLv because she was pregnant and they wanted to know what to do about the pregnancy. She was negative, so she was fostered and gave birth to a boy (just one) and they were both tested again and they were negative. We adopted her in March 2005. She was current on all her shots, so it was several months until I took her to my vet, but I wanted to make sure and tested AGAIN. I already had two cats in the house and one of my cats had died in 2003 of FIV and I wanted to be sure. She tested negative, and then we vaccinated her for FeLv. So HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN??? She is strictly an indoor cat...

My vet says that sometimes the virus can hide in bone marrow and lymph nodes. I don't know if that is true or not. I did read one article that said that a positive test generally indicates the cat will be positive for life, but a negative test does not mean the cat does not have it. I don't know.

So Banshee, who is an awesome cat, started acting very weird for her. She started acting kinda like a cat-- she usually acts like a dog-- so I took her to the vet. She had been sneezing and coughing and I thought she had a cold. But no, it's never that simple for me. He found a big mass in her belly and sent me to a specialist who could do an ultra sound. So that showed that there was a big mass in her belly but also fluid all around her lungs. Then the specialist vet was displeased with the fluid he withdrew. He didn't like how it looked. He said that the prognoisis for Banshee is probably bad and that it might not be worth it to get the fluid tested bc basically we are not going to learn anything that we can fix.It was $125 for the test. He told me to call back the next day and let me know if I wanted the fluid tested. So I called and told him that I want the fluid tested.

But then later that night, my vet called and said that the blood work he did is indicating that she has feline leukemia. I just don't understand how that could be. How is that possible? My vet says it is just a weird freaky deal. I mean, he knows she was tested before bc he ran the test. And he's been my vet for 20 years so he knows I don't do outdoor cats.

My poor little kitty. It's hard to see her like she is now. Her instincts tell her to hide. but she is not a hider. She is a lover. She is the noiseist cat I've ever encountered (thus her name) And her single desire has been to love her people. When you are near her, she cries until you pick her up. Then when you hold her, she purrs the loudest purr ever. You can hear that purr iin another room. And during that, she gazes at you with a gaze that says "You are the most wonderful being ever..."

So her version of hiding is to sit on top of the toilet seat. I've told her that is not really a hiding place, but -- she's just not a hider. She wants her people to be able to find her. She won't cry for me now, but when I hold her, she purrs like there is no tomorrow. And I hope there is no tomorrow...

I have to go hold her and cry some more now....

--Jennifer

Saki & Freyja's Mom, I'm so sorry that Banshee has leukemia. Your right it just isn't fair. Especially since you took every precaution in insuring her good health. I'm so sorry, I can tell how much you love her and my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry but I have no experience in dealing with cat illness so I can be of no help there. But others on this site do and they know so much when it comes to proper diet and what medicines you can try. I'm sure that they will be more then supporitive and helpful to you. I wish you and Banshee well. Sending you a cyber hug k9pal

Whatever love you have for, dig deeper and find more....

Oh she sounds so amazingly sweet. It reminds me of my Zita. I was thinking today of how my Zita would cozy herself in the sink, purring if we accidentally locked her in the bathroom.

I don't know anything about Feline Leukemia really - is it possible the vaccination itself could cause this? Have your other cats been tested as well?

She sounds like such a special cat. I don't know why it is that some really special cats seem to get taken from us so soon.

I didn't get to even say goodbye to my Zita. It was a normal day and I was out most of the day and evening. I returned home late and I think she was on the couch but I don't even remember for sure. Then I never saw her again.

I told her how special she was all the time. But that day I was busy. The very last day I would ever see her.

I guess every day with our special furbabies could be the last. I don't understand these things either and I agree that it really does not seem fair. We open our hearts to the love and joy of these furkids and are filled with enormous emptiness and pain in losing them.

Sending positive thoughts to you and Banshee...

Saki & Freyja's Mom, I'm so sorry, this is sooooooooooooo hard. I hold you high in my esteem, tell Banshee you love her every time you are near her and pray that you all get through this in the best possible way, may the angels light the path that you must tread. Take care, be strong, I hope that in their own way your dog, your grandma and your cats will bring you strength. I think they can send us their vibes even if they can't influence the outcome of our lives. Hugs, this is so hard, you will get through it, with all the love you and yours have around you.

I am so sorry that Banshee and you have to go through this. I am very sad and angry at the same time that you have to go through this.

Thanks to everyone for the comments and support.

Last time, my husband and I hung out in this office room, the one where Banshee has decided to be. I know that she wants to be near us, even though she does not want to be in the main part of the house right now.

Last night, we got her to play a little. Well, it was really only one swipe at a toy. We gave her little bites of our hamburger. She is not really eating -- probably less than a teaspoon a day.

Again, thank you for your support.

This is a heart-wrenching time. The only advice I can give, from what I have read about FIV is it might help you to sort things out in your own mind if you sat down and had a talk with your vet, who has been with you a long time. A cat not eating can develop other problems; I found that information when my 16 pound cat went from eating 5 or 6 oz a day to 1 oz. We kept trying to get him back to normal but we lost that battle when he came into our living room on 9/10/07 and laid down cause he was having trouble breathing. If your baby is only eating a teaspoon a day, you should talk that over with your vet and ask him how you can help her.

We found out on the Internet about Nutri-Cal, a gel like laxatone but high calorie.
He would lick that off our finger even when he wouldn't feel like eating his cat food. I read some amazing stories in the Reviews on www.amazon.com about people who have used this to help give their cat nutrients when they stop eating.

from what I have read in my Cat Fancy magazines and my Cat Care book by a vet, it sounds like you might find some answers in a current visit to your vet. Have him look at her now, talk about her eating, and ask what can be done to help her.

Take Care..........There are always bad times that follow the good times but these babies are worth it....the good times are worth whatever it takes to just have them in our lives. As you said earlier....you expected more good time..I hope things turn around for your baby and you are granted that time.

I can say without doubt or hesitation that my former pet companions, Freyja, Saki and Electra made me a better person. They taught me a lot about living in the moment, about joy, about forgiveness, about important things. I can also say that I am a better person for their passing. I learned much about utter desolation, and grief from their passing. I also learned about mortality. I learned about guilt and moving beyond it. I learned not to waste any time with any of your loved ones because you never know what is going to happen. Having said that, if I could have all or any of them back, but I would have to go back to being a lesser /worse person -- I would take my beloved furbabies back in a second. I so want them back.

Even now, with Banshee being sick, it reminds me to love her as much as I can. And also to love the others, too. So I have been singing more to all of them, and as I was outside with playing with the dogs and pondering how I could possibly be losing another one after just a few years, the following question came into my mind:

It is true that if the others had not passed, I would not have my current furry family. If I were faced with the impossible dilemma of having them back but never getting to know my current babies, what would I do? It is an impossibly unfair and downright ugly question.

But I am just trying to get some meaning out of this. The idea of losing Banshee hurts so unbearably.

I know that we gave Banshee an awesome home. We give her the best food and the best medical care and play with her and snuggle her and protect and love her. She is spoiled (but not rotten). She is siamese, and really quite doggish. Other people have complained that she talks too much. But for us that was perfect, purrfect. And I know that **I** am truly truly blessed to have shared any time with her.

When we got her... she is a rescue. She is full blooded siamese, with all four paws declawed. She was pregnant with a full blood single kitten. She was so perfect that my husband and I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with her -- how in the heck could anyone dump such a perfect perfect creature? Somebody at some point had spent the money to get all 4 feet declawed-- which I've never even heard of. Why'd they turn around and dump her?

This is why we had her FeLV/FIV/FIP tests repeated, even tho the rescue organization that had fostered her also had the tests done. I actually think they tested her twice, and then we tested her a couple months later, again. All the tests were negative. How can I possibly be losing another pet??????? To FeLV of all things? She was tested, she was vaccinated. I don't know about her life before us, but she's never been outside since with us. How can this possibly be happening?????

The story I tell myself is not a happy one, but it is this: Once upon a time there was a wicked evil breeder who bred siamese cats for profit. Then, one day, this exploitive wicked witch found a case of FeLV amongst the cats she kept. Because the evil wicked witch did not want potential buyers to discover the disease, she dumped all of those she felt were exposed out by an animal shelter.

Then Banshee found us had a wonderful, happy secure and well loved and well cared for life.

So another question I ask myself: Would I do it again? If I had esp and could see the future and knew that this was going to happen and when and how, would I choose to have Banshee in my life, or would I have chosen no fur baby or a different longer-lived fur baby? No. I choose Banshee. The pain of losing her will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing her.

Your feelings and words echo so many here. I'm glad you continue to express how you are feeling.

Your last sentence is priceless............you said it all in those few words.

Saki & Freyja's Mom, you are quite the thinker, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your last post. You know, I think your story about the wicked witch may be true, it makes a lot of sense to me.....thank goodness you were there to patch that pain in Banshee's life, no matter what, she learned that there are good people out here, you are her special angel, lucky Banshee. People are wicked, people think only of money, people are selfish and people are hard. She is dead now, the person who shocked me at work one day- she was so generous to let her brother and his wife live in their house for a while.... she couldn't stand her sister in law's cat, so she 'lost' it out in the country and never told her sister in law what she had done. so the poor sister in law never knew what happened to her cat....I told her what a horrible thing she had done, so then she embroidered the story of not having 'lost' that animal but having left it in the care of a farmer she knew...sure sure....but she is no longer here to do this any more and the reason I write this is because when I think of what could have happened to Banshee, I recognize that you were sent as an angel for her, just be by her, Banshee's story will always have a better ending than what could have been when you found her. Hugs.

Jennifer,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with Banshee's illness now, too, after having gone through so many other losses already. Life is definitely not fair!

I see you have many questions and so, at the risk of sounding like the broken record that I always seem to be, I'd like to offer this quote from Dr. Don Hamilton's (DVM) book, in just one section of many, where he is addressing the issue of feline leukemia and conventional medical thinking versus homeopathic thinking. I'd love to be able to type out each and every section that deals with this, to give you an even clearer understanding of it all, but I'd be here for HOURS, so will just pick and choose a few instead and simply refer you to his book for his thorough discussions, or the many places his work/articles come up if you just Google his name. There was also a link I placed here on LS to him, probably under "Resources." And if you missed the whole discussion on vaccinations here, you might want to peruse that, too.

Firstly, here he introduces us to the differing modes of causal thinking between conventional medicine and homeopathic thinking. He was first trained as a conventional vet. in the 70's, later had his own practice where animals just weren't getting better despite all his conventional training, and had no decent explanations for that....and then left it all behind to study homeopathy instead, and finally got animals WELL more often than not.

"By contrast, as a homeopath I now see that different outbreaks of disease are often expressions of one illness rather than different illnesses....Feline leukemia virus disease is an example....and many people simply say that cats with these symptoms have "feline leukemia", in spite of many cats with identical symptoms that do not have the virus. Some cats with these symptoms have the feline immunodeficiency virus, a related virus discovered in the 1980's. And some cats have neither virus but the same symptoms."

Here he is speaking about feline leukemia vaccines:
"I even saw (and still see) many cases in which healthy cats, tested and found free of the virus, succu*mbed to the disease shortly after vaccination, as though the vaccine had initiated the disease. Again, the manufacturers assured me that this was impossible.....Studies by independent researchers, however, found effectiveness of the vaccine to be as low as 17%, and typically in the 50-70% range. These same researchers found the incidence of harmful side effects to be much greater than the manufacturer had reported."

"In veterinary medicine, we have noticed that whatever affinity an organism has for an organ system will surface with vaccine reactions....cats are extremely susceptible to immune malfunction and immunosuppression. The immunosuppressive state has been associated with two retorviruses (feline leukemia virus and feline immunodeficiency virus), and I believe they are the same, but that more than one virus can fill the niche opened by the the immunosuppression...." (my note: vaccines suppress the immune system) To sum up a few other sections related to this, an individual must be somehow already immunodepressed before any disease, whether through exposure, or possibly induced through vaccines, can even take hold in the body in the first place. In other words, the individual is not perfectly healthy and so is more susceptible to assault from pathogens.

Dr. Hamilton also has a very detailed and illuminating discourse on test results, t*iters, etc. but it's too long to go into here. But it's all in his book.

I mention all this for a few reasons, none of which is intended to make you feel worse. My first intention is to help you at least start to understand what likely happened here with Banshee, according to homeopathic principles, since you've been struggling so with the why's and how's. My second intention is to hopefully persuade you to consider finding and using a classically-trained homeopathic veterinarian, in sincere hopes that Banshee can as yet be made well, or at least better, again. For all I know, things may have already progressed too far for ANY modality to help much, but I personally believe in leaving no known stone unturned in a bid to save our furbabies (or other loved ones) and give them a good quality of life, despite any chronic illnesses they may or may not be left carrying.

And so I will say once again, like a broken record - homeopathy has a better chance of treating the true cause of infections/disease (such as Banshee's) than conventional medicine does. I've read of enough cases by now to know that many years can be added to an animal's life through this wise system of care and so I never give up in trying to help others learn about and utilize it. It always hurts and feels very frustrating to sit here, knowing what I've learned and knowing others aren't privy to the same information and benefits thereof. And so I keep trying, for the sake of everyone's babies, to get even a handful of that information out there, especially before it's too late to do anything for them.....or those they leave behind. The rest is up to the individual, to seek out for themselves. There are a world of resources out there, if one is open enough to receive them into their minds, and it is always my hope that people will avail themselves of these. I've posted many links on LS already to homeopathic and other alternative pract*itioners, but unfortunately I can't dial the phone for anyone.

And btw, if this is a case of "vaccinosis" (reaction to vaccine - Google for a fuller explanation), this, too, (even once the damage has been done) can often be successfully, or at least decently, treated as well through homeopathy. But the sooner you act, the better. As well, while conventional medicine doesn't normally allow for the idea, other modalities have rightfully said that feline leukemia does NOT have to be viewed as a certain death sentence. It only will be if conventional medicine is the only avenue you take.

I sincerely hope this gives you the hope it's meant to, for both Banshee's and your sakes.

As for your thoughts on how Banshee may have come to be dumped, you may be right, but more often they are sold to pet stores that sell animals, or even more commonly just killed if they don't meet the breeder's 'standards'. Or any number of other, hideous reasons, none of which are any better or justifiable. But the fact that she'd been declawed, and especially all FOUR feet as compared to the more standard TWO FRONT feet, suggests that she was originally someone else's (someone who valued their replaceable furniture more than this irreplaceable, sentient being's welfare), as breeders don't normally go to the trouble or expense of this (horrid) amputation themselves, before a cat is sold. Whatever the case, I just hope that those who still allow their animals to get pregnant will see just what can happen to any of the ones (mothers OR litters) who are bought or simply given away. In Banshee's and your case, you were both very lucky to have found each other, thank goodness.

I, too, LOVE oriental blood in cats, no matter full or partial, as Sabin and Nissa had some of some oriental type in them (all vets suggested Siamese, most likely), and I always absolutely adored their full-lunged capacity to yak away to us and to each other. Sooooo expressive, delightful and naturally conversational! I don't think I could stand living with a quiet or mute cat now to save my life! So I can well imagine your 'Screamin' Banshee's wonderful ways and how much you will miss them if she has to leave. But maybe she won't have to.....

Furkidlets mom: I really appreciate all the information. Also, I love your two signature quotes. Everyone-- thank you for your support. I've been trying to read other posts and I feel badly that somehow, I read and then I just don't have words to say. I want to comfort and support you all as you have done for me. I just haven't been able to yet.

I have the most wonderful vet. I trust my vet completely and I guess that is rare. I've often wished the my vet could be my doctor. Ah, well. Somewhere on here, I was reading about "10 things your vet won't tell you" or some such thing, and I thought "Well, my vet has discussed all of these things with me..." He talks to me about NOT getting vaccines, about alternative treatments, about costs, about the emotional well being of my furry ones and myself. He's the best. I hope to write him a long note sometime soon about how awesome he is...

I am very sad that he will not be at work tomorrow. The fill-in vet comes tomorrow. Banshee has FeLv, she has a huge tumor in her belly, she's got lymphoma in her lungs (got those labs about an hour ago). She has stopped eating. Her breathing is labored. So we have an appointment tomorrow at 10:00 am central time. Please say a prayer for her. Light a candle. Help her to go quickly and easily to the bridge. Let her know its ok... Please let her know how sorry we are...

Jennifer,

I was the one who'd posted that "10 Things..." article and I'm so glad that your vet has already told you about those things. (and thanks about the signatures - I like 'em, too and my original one, the first one, is still how I feel)

I'm so very sorry to hear that poor Banshee's condition and problems are so far advanced already, and also am so sorry the information I gave got to you too late to help her more....but perhaps it can still be of value towards your understanding.

Be assured, candles will be lit, prayers will be said, energy and best intentions will be sent to help her on her way, and my thoughts will be with you and your family at this dreadful time.

I am so sorry about Banshee. I will say a prayer for her especially tomorrow.
I understand the labored breathing and not eating. I've been there not too long ago and am still crying. You can read in this Section about my Little Guy and you will see how your situation just breaks my heart. It's called "How do I stop Crying?".

I wrote down that line you said earlier..."The pain of losing her will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing her." That is just so beautifully said, I think all of us who have lost our loved ones can relate so well to that.

You show you love her so very much because you are putting her first, ahead of your own needs. For humans, that is the ultimate sacrifice and it takes a tremendous love and caring to make that sacrifice. I have been there more than once and as long as I have these special friends, I will be there again. It is always just as hard to be in that period of time.

You and Banshee share a special love that can only be shared between you. she got a loving family and you got the love that only these babies can give. Take Care.....and remember it is okay to cry, to vent, anything that helps you. We are all here for you......She is part of your heart & that can't be taken away from you.

I am so sorry, will be thinking of you as of now and all day, with special wishes that all of our angels gather around you and Banshee, that they make the transition a beautiful moment, that they let Banshee know that the love that she has known is going along with her and her love is staying along with you. Banshee, fly free, you will be able to be everywhere, bigger than life itself, in a new world of light and love.

I replied to your post today in the other forum. How very sorry I am to hear this news. You and Banshee are in my thoughts and prayers. I will be lighting a candle today for her. I am here for you.

Please do not feel that you must respond to others right now. Your pain and suffering is so fresh that it is best to take care of yourself. The words will come when the time is right. I felt that way too, when the pain was so numbing that I coud not even think of any words. It takes a long time to get out from under the initial shock and actually be able to express yourself.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. She did go easily. She was so scared at the vet's office though. Tim was holding her, but just looking at her, I could feel her heart racing.

Last night, Velma cat, who we have had for almost 4 years, for the first time ever voluntarily got in my lap and snuggled with me. I have picked her up and snuggled her before, but it has always been at my intiation, never hers. And she has always seemed to just tolerate it. But last night for the first time ever, she chose to be in my lap and snuggle me. And every time I got up, when I came back, she'd get back into my lap again.

I like to think my Banshee was whispering in Velma's ear, "C'mon-- go snuggle mama. Mama needs a snuggle..."

Again, thank you all for helping Banshee find her way to the Bridge.

Thank you for your last post...letting us know. I know how hard that was to do.

I love the note about your new "lap cat". They never cease to amaze us, do they?
Just when we think we know them, they will surprise us. Such beautiful babies. What a joy to be part of their lives.

Take Care.........I think Velma did get a whisper in her ear.