I could go on for days with the descriptive terms.... My daughter, my baby, my precious one, my furry angel, my little sweetie girl, my heart, my gorgeous one.....

I just joined this board yesterday. I found it because I did a web search for the phrases, "can't cope without" and "pet loss" at the same time. Sometimes I just put in random things to do with a feeling or something just to see what will come up. What came up this time was the individual post t*itled, "Nova, I can't cope without you." Slam Dunk. Yes. I wanted to reply right then and there but had to wait to sign up and all that. As some of you saw, I wrote out some of the details of my Miss Kitty's last hours on this earth as a reply to that post. There, it was also suggested that I write an intro. So that is what I am doing now.

For almost 19 years, Miss Kitty was the center of my life, the pivot point of my universe. She was a very special cat. Not that all cats aren't special but well, Miss Kitty was different yet. Even people who did not like cats would meet her and be amazed and yes, like her. Don't get me wrong here, I do love most all cats and see their individuality and specialness of each one. But she was different. She was a special little being who graced this earth with her presence. She was glowing love wrapped in beautiful silky soft fur. She eminated something not of this world, something so far above and beyond this world that we can only touch, sometimes, briefly, through a window given us, sometimes by a special being, sometimes by a place of natural beauty, sometimes by a religious experience.

Being with her was for me, a religious experience. I never took her for granted. I never found myself not loving her or disappointed with her. I always knew what a precious furchild I had with me. And I always knew that someday, in all liklihood, that she would not be with me. And oh how I dreaded that day. From the time she was about 6 and had to have emergency surgery for pyometria, I lived in fear of losing her. Even back then, I started trying to prepare myself for her not being here with me. When I would groom her, I kept every bit of her precious fur that came off. (And this could be a lot!) I explained it away to others by telling them that I had a friend who spun dog hair into yarn and that I was going to get this fur done up the same way. And that was true yes, but after sending her the first batch some years ago, she found it too silky soft and elusive to work with. But I continued to save it. I felt that someday, that was all I would have.

And pictures! Oh I have thousands of cat pictures. Especially in the last few years and especially once I got the digital cameras. I was always taking pictures of her, recording her life, recording her smiles and her beauty. I never wanted to forget a moment of our lives together.

But now that all seems so shallow. I mean sure, I AM glad to have the photos and such. But I want HER. As the late 80s song mournfully sang, "nothing compares to you." And nothing compares to her. She was my baby, my sweetheart, my love, my child. I was and remain so totally devoted to her. As anyone who ever knew us could see, this was one of the world's great loves.

She had health problems her whole life. She had to have special food and special water. When she went down with something it was usually very serious. We had so many brushes with near death over the years. And each time it was terrifying for me yet each of those times it would almost have made sense to have lost her. This time, when she really did go, it makes no sense at all. She wasn't even sick this time! She had just gotten through a stroke and congestive heart failure! Back in June, the 2nd of June, 2007, she had a stroke. I knew it was a stroke right away - well as soon as I realized that she wasn't faking me out with a "come get me mommy, I can't walk!" (She would occasionally do things like that so that I would carry her someplace.)

When she had the stroke, I took her to the local emergency room where we were at the time. They were excellent there but felt it likely a blood clot or even an injury that was paralyzing her rear legs and tail. They treated it as if it were a blood clot but we looked to other pract*itioners for diagnosis also. There was no consensus as to the problem and as soon as she was cleared for travel I transported her 12 hours to her regular vet who is also an animal chiropractor and just plain top notch in every way.

She stayed at the emergency center where he works from for a week. They ran tests. He went over her spine carefully. There still was no firm consensus as to the problem. I took her to accupuncture doctors, an animal neurologist, anything I could. It became apparent that the only way to get a firm diagnosis was going to be an MRI. This, for her, was a very high risk thing. She had reacted badly in the past to anesthesias and with her age and current condition it was going to be difficult at best.

I got her in to Tufts University's animal hospital cardiology department and off we went to spend 3 1/2 weeks in Massachusetts. It turned out they did not do the MRI though. They had far more advanced cardiology equipment than did my area and they diagnosed her, based upon their findings and also based upon her recovery pattern, as indeed a stroke. She was given a new heart medicine and physical therapy. The meds change was wonderful for her. From the time of the stroke until the meds change, she had been not quite herself but from the very next day, yes, there she was.

I got her an exercise cart from Eddie's Carts, also in Massachusetts. They were fantastic there. We spent an afternoon learning how to use it and letting her get some practice time in. I have videos and photos of that day. The plan was to allow them to use them on their web site to show that cats could indeed benefit from carts also. I will still be sending them as I called soon after she passed and they said they would still be happy to use them. So maybe in a month or so, if you go to the Eddie's Carts website, you can see some videos of my baby girl.

After we were done in Massachusetts, I could see clearly that she did not have enough room to fully use her cart in the rented apartment we had been living in for the preceeding two years. We had a house elsewhere but I had needed to do some work in this area plus it was where her good vet was so we were here for now. Well, with the new needs for cart usage, I went ahead and bought her a house. I took almost all I had left for the down payment as things are not cheap in this area. I fixed up this house so much for a (then hopefully temporarily) handicapped cat. There are little ramps and foam steps everywhere and to everything. I got her the World's Largest Litterbox as she had some trouble with missing the box since the stroke and this was distressing to her. I made it from one of those big blue plastic kiddie pools.

Anyways, I've been writing too long now and my eyes are going wacky so to wrap this up a little - Everything is hers. Yep, probably even me. I have this house that was for her, the contents are mostly hers, the apartment is filled with her stuff. The house elsewhere - which I've not yet been back to - is going to be even worse as we lived there for almost ten years.

I don't want to just get rid of that which she knew and loved but on the other hand it hurts to look at it. Plus, I seem to have acquired a kitten. And he needs to be able to be free to run about and do things for himself without me worrying about him "using her stuff". I don't think most of her stuff will translate well to being given to another. So much of it is just so personal anyways. So I am working on distributing it as best as I can. Just the act of collecting it all up is so painful though.

Also, now I have this house that frankly I don't need. It is horribly expensive and while its nice, its far more than I need, even if I had three cats living with me. So now that I've just begun to get settled in, it looks like I will soon move again. I haven't completely decided what to do there.

Well, I've gone on more than long enough for an intro I'm sure. I don't know if anyone can relate to being so closely tied up with an animal. I'm sure someone somewhere has done so though. With her passing, its not just the complete devastation of losing a loved one but it is also a loss of my lifestyle and even to a large degree, a loss of ident*ity as "Mommy to one of the World's Greatest Cats". With so much wrapped up with her for so many years now, I don't know what I am doing anymore. My decisions on everything have to be based in an entirely different structure now. Its not "all about her" and thus my largest motivations for any and everything are just no longer there.

Yes, I do have this other little guy now but it is completely different. While certainly very sweet, he is not so in need of special treatment in everything. This is yes, a good thing, as I don't have it in me to devote to another as I did with her. Even physically and financially, I just don't have it in me these days. But I think that he and I can hopefully get to be very good friends at least. Maybe one of these days I will write about how he managed to come home with me. It makes me wonder if maybe he was somehow sent by or knew of my kitty girl.

Thank you to anyone who read all this and hopefully it didn't come out too disjointed. Frankly I'm just not doing so well today. I just got back to the house here yesterday - I had left here the day after everything happened - I had to transport Miss Kitty to where she was going which is far from here but is where I am going when I die and I ended up just not wanting to come back until I almost had to. Thus coming back yesterday to this house and all the things left as they were that night has been like a fresh blow.

The kitten is not here right now. He is at the vet boarding place. When I walked in yesterday, there were tons of fleas. Apparently the population exploded while I was gone. Miss Kitty had gotten some in those last few weeks and I'd thought we'd gotten rid of them but what was left must have bred and bred while I was away and I just couldn't bring the little guy in here to this. I had the professionals out here today and they are coming back on Tuesday for another treatment. Everyone, they and the vets, says to not bring him in with it like this as he is still too young to use Advantage or anything and they can kill a little guy like he is. So yes, I've been here by myself. And maybe in some ways this is a good thing because I've also had the chance to work at putting things more right for him and putting away things of hers that I can't stand someone else to get into.

This kitten is not a replacement. No one could ever be. But at the same time, I know that I need purrs. I have to have something, someone here with me. I think I would go utterly mad with no feline contact at all. And like I said, he is sweet and he does seem to "get it" even at his age about where I am with things.

Well, I will stop now so I don't end up with the Worlds Longest Intro!

Devastated, you have found a good place to be while you go through the agony of losing your soulmate. You will see that many have devoted their lives in a caring way such as this. You and many others here spared no money, time or energy to do you best, do your all for your Miss Kitty. To me that says you are among the wonderful great animal lovers of the world and you posess rare qualities. Know that Miss Kitty had the very best, because you have been the very best. Please try and not feel too lost (as if this is easy ) and do consider that Miss Kitty is living in your heart and if you listen with a smidgen of openness to this idea, she might let you know that she is indeed, still with you. Sometimes ask for her advice, see if you get an answer and if that answer isn't the most logical, common sense answer that you could have ever received from anyone or yourself even. But I know how hard it is to love without the physical side being still there, it's another plane of love but please go there too. Take care and be proud of yourself, I admire you very much and wish I had been at your level. Walk tall.

Devastated: I am so glad you started your own topic so others could find you. What a wonderful story you posted. You should reread what you wrote and maybe it will let you know what a special person you are. 19 years with your baby...that is fantastic! You mentioned problems at age 6 and yet you added 13 more years!

You wondered if your post was too long..that can't be..as when we write, we need to vent...get as much out as possible each time..so all of this does not sit inside us and fester. That is what this forum is all about. Anytime you feel like talking, just do another post in your Topic....and so on..and so on...that is part of a healing process. I had my Little Guy for 16 years and I feel blessed. (but still shortchanged cause I wanted him more). When I read some cats live into their 20's...I wanted that too but it was not meant to be...but that is the longest I've been allowed to have an animal by whoever makes these decisions and I loved it.

You said you had lots of pictures..well start a post in the Tribute section and put your pictures there. Take pictures of your new kitten and put them in the New Beginning Section. The wonderful people who started this forum have such good ideas when adding Sections....they just seem to know what helps us who join. I took 4x6 pictures, resized them to 400x300 pixels and posted in my Tribute to Little Guy and also to his sister and I found that size easier to see on my screen.
I always run out of room before I run out of words so I'll just say for now..Take Care.. Judy (Little Guy's Mom forever..and others before him)

I know what you mean when you talk about the new cat being around the old cat's "stuff". My cat Missy had a favorite basket and I couldn't bring myself to clean off the hair after she died. But I felt like I was betraying her by giving it to the new cats. Zita, the special angel she was, went into the basket, kneaded and kneaded the blanket, purring so loud and making sort of guttural kitten noises as if to cherish the smells on this basket. It was such a beautiful thing for me because it was exactly the respect I wanted shown to Missy's things.

You sound like an amazing pet owner and cared for Miss Kitty so well! Miss Kitty must have been one of the luckiest cats on earth to be with you! I'm sure she thinks of you all the time, and I'll bet she is right with you, it's just so hard when you can't see her.

take care of you!

Jan.

Dear Devestated,
I understand exactly how you feel. I look around and see something or think of something Jorie did.. Sometimes it seems that she still jumps on the bed to check on me at night.... even thought I know she is gone. Her companion Heather finds things thst smells like her and rubs against the wall or goes to the places that she liked to go even. Last night it was as simple as the bathroom door. She loved to rub on anything and everything... But still it doesn't help. I am glad that you have a kitty to help you through this like I do. The others tend to be a blessing on four legs even thought they are grieving also for the loss of their buddy. I have looked at a couple of places for a new kitty but just haven't found the one. After Thanksgivng I think Heather and I are going to give it a good shot so that it won't just be the two of us for Christmas.

I too have lots of kitty pictures of Jorie because I also cry. Crying is allright and I have done a lot of that in the past few months but won't go there. Cherish your memories of Miss Kitty and remember the time that you had together. They say it does get easier.... but it takes time. Maybe oneday I will get to see my angel Jorie in Heaven when I get there and that is what is most comforting to me. I will keep you in my prayers .

I never took Nova for granted either. Something tells me that you did the exact same thing I did. You would sit up in the middle of the night while Miss Kitty just lay there, all comfy and completely and utterly relaxed. You would pet her as she purred and tell her how much you love her....you would tell her that she means so much to you.

I told you I know and while Nova blessed me for only three years, I sense you and I to be very similar in both our attachment, loyalty, love and compassion for our loved ones.

These little fellas......I don't know what they do to us but it's strong.

Miss Kitty is beautiful. Perhaps, in that place where our little friends go when they pass, her and Nova are meeting each other for the first time....

Thank you for sharing your wonderful and touching story of Miss Kitty. Yes, it does seem as if they have touched every part of our lives when they are as special as your furkid was. Our Miss Kitty is also very special to us. I am very sorry for your loss.

Ken Albin

Devastated: I just wrote you a reply in NovaJade's topic where you had an answer. Please read it there.

So I found my way back here. Yeah, I sorta lost this place or something. Probably along with my mind....

Didn't mean to disappear. You all are wonderful here. Hard to believe its been a month since being here.

I can't say that I'm better. Something is different but its not what I would call better. Its almost like becoming used to Miss Kitty not being around and with me. I hate it though. I hate every minute of it. I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to ever reach a point of forgetting her in any given moment. Not that I would ever forget her or anything but what I mean by that is to be so used to her not being here that I'd just blithely go through a day without actively missing her or acknowledging her impact in my life. I know thats where one is "supposed" to get to but that just seems so horrible to me.

That being said, it seems that any used tos that occur are not terribly pleasant or anything. Its more a getting used to a certain emptiness, a lack of vibrancy, a shallowness to life, a lessened meaning to anything at all.

In the meanwhile, I am also currently brimming over with cats. (see my statement above about lost mind...)

I almost had to do this thing. I was browsing the Persians on the local section of petfinder.org and ran across this one... Well, she has almost exactly the same unusual markings on her forehead that Miss Kitty had. And she and this other one were together and in pretty bad shape. See, thing is, I didn't quite realize I'd scrolled out of the local section and these guys were hundreds of miles away - on Cape Cod. Well, I felt I had to at least meet her and within three days I was on a plane to go meet her. Turned out that they wouldnt let one go without the other one and yeah, I just couldnt leave her there like that. Storms were happening and I couldnt fly back with two cats (they only allow one per person) so I rented a car and made a harrowing drive back that took 23 hours on the road due to ice and snow bringing speed limits down to 45mph.

Got back and they are now at vet hospital as they both had bad upper respiratory infections and need so much work. They are terribly matted and will need to be medically shaved down. They also needed testing for all diseases and were in need of rabies shots. So I didnt want to bring them in with Thomas (11 week old kitten) before making sure they are esentially okay.

The first night, since we got back too late for vet hospital and it was Sunday, I got them a motel room at motel 6. I didnt stay with them all night but what time I spent was spooky and weird. This cat has so much the same markings and such that she almost has to be related somewhere back in time.

Now all that being said, I decided to put this over here rather than in new beginnings because its just so messed up. I mean I feel like I must not even know what the heck I am doing anymore. I dont want to be trying to replace Miss Kitty but am I trying to fill some gap here? I feel so terribly disloyal and like I'm trying to just change things around and move on but I'm not. I dont want to move on. I just couldnt leave them there like that.

I dont know if these cats will even be staying with me long term. There is already someone who wants the boy one and thats a good thing. We talked about her bringing him home for a weekend to make sure they would be okay separated. So that leaves the freaky one or rather the one thats freaky to me. I'd be so afraid to love her and I'd be so afraid that I would. But that seems just so wrong to do. It almost feels that to NOT hold life in some kind of permanent devastated state would be to somehow dishonor Miss Kitty's importance to me. So yeah, this all is way more about grief stuff than even any new beginnings to me anyways.

Heck, I dont let anyone go into areas she spent time in. Thomas is not allowed in a couple rooms at all nor in certain areas of the kitchen - I moved furniture to block them.

I gave away some of her things but could not give them to someone and see them being used even if it meant re-buying the exact same things. I have a whole area in garage with her things like some kind of morbid shrine. I even saved the last plastic cup she drank out of.

So anyways, no, not better, different and probably weirder. And I'm not celebrating Christmas at all. No lights, no tree. But I am planning to go visit where Miss Kitty is. I had to. I need to be where she is on Christmas. So I have a ticket to go so all these other cats will be either boarded or if here by then will have good sitter in. So yeah I'm probably quite nuts anymore.

Hi Devistated,

First off let me say that what you did for Miss Kitty is beautiful. She knew the sacrifices you made for her and probably showed so much gratt*itude and love back because of the things you did for her.

I know that you are feeling lost right now, because much of your day was spent caring for the closest soul to you. You did so much to give her a good life and a great one she had. I know none of this makes it any easier. Just know that I do care and I hate that you feel so alone at this time of year.

You can come on here and post as much as you want to when your feeling alone or sad. I can't stay away from it.

I'm asking everybody for their prayers for my Aspen.

Please let me know if you need to chat or anything.

Aspen and Pepe's dad

Big holiday hugs Devastated, I read your story. I feel the same exact way you do, even though Bue is dead. I live in Mass, and my vet was the most incredible individual you could ever want to meet. He has fixed all of my kitties. He let me observe when he neutered Nibblez. I so feel you about your baby right now. This is a pic of Bue, and his currnet surviving family members. Bue is right next to the marble coffee table, Nibblez is in the forefront.

I hope you dont mind that I resurrected a line from an older post of yours here. Sometimes I take a quick look at posts from someone before replying and I wanted to see just who Aspen was in this case. Well, I found this line and wow, I hope you dont mind if I just hold onto it. Its a beautiful thing to think of and one that could be very true. So even if that wasnt originally for me, thank you for posting and thus leading me to find that.

I hope your christmas with Aspen is beautiful and memorable. Just curious, do they have her on any meds to help dissolve the clot? Is she walking? I do hope you have your miracle. Thank you again.

Thank you. Your babies are beautiful.


I'm scheduled to leave town in 7 hours and I'm so not even ready to go. I'm so split as to what the heck I'm even doing. Part of me wants to go because its like okay, thats where Miss Kitty is now and I want to be with her for Christmas but on the other hand, the essential SHE is not limited to there so could just as easily be here..... And then theres the 12 week old kitten who seems to actually be becoming attached to me and he's never had a christmas at all yet and maybe I should just stay and give him a tree to climb or something. And then theres the other two who may or may not have had christmas celebrations with their prior people and I hate to think of them having to spend it locked up in a small space here with only the sitter in for an hour that day. And there isnt a whole lot I can do for Miss Kitty for christmas cept talk to her - which I do anyways right here. But it feels somehow wrong to not go, like I'd be being forgetful or disloyal or something. I've got only hours to figure this out and I already checked to see if plans could be changed at all but any other flights are all booked up or horrifically expensive. I guess I'll just have to see what I do.