I was a little skeptical about posting here but I have read some of the postings and I have a lot of respect for what people are saying. My story is this:

My 9-year old Papillon male, Russell, has been incredibly healthy all his life. I noticed a weird thing with his skin a couple weeks ago, so I took him to the vet's. She said it was a skin infection, but in conducting a routine exam of him she found a lump on the right side of his neck. I didn't panic immediately b/c he has had good care all his life and he's always been in great shape, but he did have problems with a collapsed trachea related to teeth removal years ago (apparently small dogs get these?).

Anyway, tension mounts, they do more tests, inconclusive, his energy level and appet*ite are completely normal. They find "round cells." Still not getting a clear answer but they're concerned about the tumor, as we're calling it now because it's close to his throat and could pose a threat to his breathing.

So I took him to a new, highly regarded animal hospital here in NYC for imaging. They do an ultrasound and tell me it's a discrete tumor involving the carotid artery, but guess what? dogs have 2, so there's a spare!. Surgeon wants to operate, and it's a tumor (i.e., not good), so I say yes.

He calls after the surgery and begins to tell me that the tumor was more involved and more vascular than expected or revealed in the imagery but he got most of it out. In the middle of the call he hangs up. He calls back - Russell's heart had stopped. He asks for my permission to open his chest if necessary to get it going and I am thinking, Russell was playing with me yesterday morning and running in the hall on the way to the hospital. He's strong. I want to give him a chance to come back. So I say yes, bring him back.

So basically the ICU surgeon calls me back a few hours later and says that his blood pressure is weakening, his breathing is shallow which could indicate serious brain damage and it doesn't look good. At first I thought I would let him go and just stay home, but as soon as I got off the phone, without thinking I threw on clothes and RACED to the hospital. I made it, and met with the most compassionate ICU doctor imaginable.

She said we could really push it medically and do all kinds of invasive things to him but she felt that in 5 days' time we'd be facing the same decision, and while she couldn't guarantee it, she thought his chances were very slim.

One thing I want to share with anyone who reads this: if you are afraid to go to the hospital or to see your pet in a surgical setting, don't be. If it were your parent, partner or child, you would want to be there. As soon as I saw my Little Guy on the table, all I could think was, there's my Guy. He's mine and I love him. I wanted to pet him, comfort him and hope somehow he would know that I was there with him. He would do anything for me, and I owed him nothing less.

I held him for a while, felt his little heart beat. Smelled him,kissed him, rubbed his ears. Then I told the doctor to go ahead and put him to sleep. I held him while he died.

So now to the grieving. You see, going back to high school I haven't always been comfortable being close to people (I have wonderful friends but not that many close ones) and I am not always that fond of my family. So animals have always held a special place in my heart.

I got Russell when he was 2 months old. A friend bought him from a pet store but couldn't keep him and I refused to let her take him back, even tho I had never met him. So she brought him over and I never let him go. He was my best friend for 9 years.

So I have questions that I know cannot be answered: why did he have to die? why didn't I stay with him, so his last hours weren't in some hospital?

How am I supposed to go on?

I am wracked by guilt: should I have caught this? Should I have refused the operation? I spoke with his vet this morning and she told me that this was an aggressive tumor that probably grew within 3-4 weeks - can you imagine?? If we'd done nothing, it probably would've ultimately constricted his airway and he would have suffocated. His death was more peaceful than that.

I am also royally pissed at the surgeon -- why did his heart stop? do they not PREPARE for that? I mean, come on. Russell's vet (whom I trust) said that with a tumor in that location with such vascular involvement, it could have been nerve damage or perhaps his brain wasn't able to make the switch to the other carotid. I think they could have WARNED ME better of this...I know surgery is dangerous but my dog is dead. This isn't hypothetical, and it's not a case study in a text book.


At the end of all this ranting and venting, I just want one more chance to tell him how much I love him, and what he meant to me.

At the end he was TERRIFIED of the vet, and that's how I left him. I feel so awful for that.

Finally, my family keeps asking me whether I'm getting another pet - this was something we always did when I was growing up, very quickly. I can't do that right now. I am intensely, achingly lonely but in a way I feel that this is also part of loving Russell. He meant so much to me, and I don't want to forget that and just move on.

There's no comfort in grief but there is comfort in knowing that I loved him this much. I want him to matter. I am also comforted by how many of my friends and coworkers truly care and are compassionate about this. It's really a wonderful thing in the midst of such deep sadness.

I am so sorry for this maudlin, lengthy post. You have heard it all before. Mostly, I just wanted to put it out there. Thank you.

Dear RussellsDad,
I am a Veterinary Technician and from the information I glean from what you have said, I can tell you you have NO reason for any guilt. These type of tumors CAN and WILL grow faster than you could imagine. Sometimes in ANY surgery, things happen. Breathing stops. Hearts stop. For whatever reason these things occur. It has nothing to do with the excellence of the surgeon who sounds like he was compassionate and very accomplished. The body shuts down various sysyems if the body is ready to stop. This may be the case. They should have told you about the different and varied possibilities, but that does not always happen. In a surgical situation they ARE prepared for any event, and have drugs and equipment that can resuscitate an animal if it CAN be resuscitated. With a tumor as you have described, it was invasive and vascular, meaning it had grown beyond it's actual boundaries and had already spread cancerous cells. Russell would have worsened over the weeks and you have to understand that quality of his life for HIM is very important here. Even if we don't want to let go, we sometimes HAVE to let go. If we prolong the pain of losing our beloved animal friend or child, it can make for a very painful and horrible death for our beloved. We don't want this. We wish for them the peaceful passing over the Rainbow Bridge. By allowing Russell to go during the surgery, you allowed him to pass very peacefully. As someone who has been involved with the process of euthanasia, I can promise you no animal feels pain or fear when it is occurring. It is calm and quiet death. The word euthanasia actually means *good death*.
Now for you, you must not hold ANY guilt whatsoever for this. The stages of grief are many and varied and you will go through so many feelings you never knew you had, anger, deep grief, denial, guilt, you will try to make deals with God if you believe in a God. You will need to take care of yourself and let yourself feel the grief. You are in the very darkest part of it right now and I know that it does not sound possible, but you will have better moments ahead. In the meantime you must honor your feelings. It is important to acknowledge how you feel. Know that all of us have felt that profound and hollow grief that you have and it takes a long time to come to grips with losing a best friend. His body may be gone, but you have to know that he is with you, all the time. The love you shared will always live on and you will find that coming here and relying on the words of those who have been and are where you are, can and will help you to heal.
My heart goes out to you. I know how you are feeling. The pain is immeasurable and you feel like you will never be able to get through it. We all have been there and are still there and know that feeling. We all are here for you whenever you need to come and post. I send many hugs your way and I say a prayer for you and Russell. What a handsome boy!! You will meet again someday on the Rainbow Bridge, I believe that.
It has only been 3 weeks for me and my huband since we lost our *son* kitty boy, Orion. The pain comes and goes now. It is not eating me alive every waking moment like it was in the beginning, but it still comes and sneaks up on us. It will take a long while before we feel *normal* (?) again, if ever.
Please keep coming here and posting. At some point you will feel like posting more pictures of your beautiful little boy and stories. In the meantime, accept our shoulders to cry on and our hugs to help you feel the peace of knowing you are not alone.
susan

Dear kittymomma-

Thank you so much for your kind words, and for taking the time to reply. I do have to say that everyone was so kind and gentle in the ICU. I was incredibly touched by that. Every veterinary tech and surgical assistant was gentle, professional and compassionate to me and my dog. There was a woman sitting with him, watching his vitals, moistening his tongue, keeping him warm.

The rational side of me agrees with you: he did not suffer and the tumor was a time bomb. I told the ICU doctor - who was just the absolute best - that I refused to turn him into a science experiment. No suffering. What I struggle with is that he was so happy and energetic the very morning I took him in, and then so quickly gone the next evening.

And I had NO idea that a tumor could grow so fast!

I've read about the "stages" of grieving, and I think I've latched onto the surgeon as the focus of my anger. Do I think it's his fault? No. Not when I remember that there was a tumor. But when I think that I entrusted my pup to him, then I get angry. It's quite a rollercoaster!

The net/net is that I wanted more time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I feel like some physical part of me has been ripped away. Someone has hurt me in the worst way and I don't have any sense of how to deal with that.

Before he died, I said to him, "I'm going to see you again." Being there for that was so meaningful, I cannot tell you. Initially I was afraid, but when the time came there was no where else in the world I would rather have been than holding his little body.

More than anything, I appreciate your listening/reading, and your feedback. Paul

Paul,
First I want to say how much I loved the picture of your Russell. What a sweet face, it's obvious why you loved him so much. I'm so happy that you were there for the end off his life, I'm sure it meant so much to him and you for you to be there. The way you have described everything is so heartbraking, but know that you gave him so many wonderful years of life, that is so important. To be loved and well taken care of is all our little friends want and you did that for your guy. Come back soon and tell us how you are doing. It will help.

I think we all have asked similar questions to yours when our furkids died under varied cir%%stances. Part of the grief process is finding our own answers to these questions so we can internalize our grief and process it. The hard fact is that sooner or later we all face the fight that can't be won. No matter how good the doctor, they are limited in what they are capable of doing to keep our furkids healthy. At that point it is time to say goodbye to our loved one and to let them go with no suffering if possible. You did all you could do to help the problem but it was simply beyond anyone's power to deal with it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Had you kept him home and he grew slowly worse over time, as he would have done, you would have felt guilt that you did not give him a chance at life. He knows you love him and that is what matters the most.

After you go through the grief process you may indeed decide to adopt another furkid. They won't be a replacement for the one you lost but a new soul that needs a good and loving home. You will know when it is time so don't let anyone push you into adopting early.

Take care and may your pain lessen and you are left with the good memories.

All the best,
Ken Albin

I read your story and I read all the replies. The others have said everything so well I can't think of anything to add. (But then, I always seem to manage to do so anyway). I agree with all that was said. I do encourage you to come back and vent as much as you need to. It is at times like this that, that seems all that is left that we can do. I feel the pain in every line you wrote and its a familiar one because I know the pain well. I told the story about my boy in the topic How do I stop crying? Maybe reading that thread and others will help you to understand how we all do share the pain, the anger, the guilt and whatever else we want to hit ourselves over the head with out of total frustration at what happened to our special friends. Then, slowly, we try to start healing....NOT FORGETTING..simply trying to heal and cope.

Again, I can't say it enough. You did the best you could at that moment in time.
I made the right decision but it still tears me up...I was not ready to let him go but at the time of the decision, his alternatives would have included much suffering and resulted in the same or even a worse ending. I could have come home and found him suffocated to death. I hated the decision. I hated losing him and I still do but he is not suffering now. Your situation was sudden which is many more times harder to deal with than seeing the decision in the near future. It hurts so much more (as if it could). My boy's x-rays were clear 10 days earlier. Take care..

Thank you everyone for your kindness. I am having ups & downs now. I spent time with my boyfriend and that was a nice relief, to get out of my house and be with someone who cares about me. But the memories aren't ever far.

I had one of those flashes of reality this evening, that an era in my life has just ended. It's like when you look back in your life when you lived in a certain place, or had a certain job, or were with a certain person. You look back on that time and think, that's where I was, that was that time in my life.

We also used to play a game, Russell and I. I would take his kibble and I would roll it fast on the floor. He would brace himself for it and chase it, then chomp it up. It was so much fun, and he could be a picky eater so I loved fooling him into eating by making it a game. We played that game at midnight last Saturday when I got home from a business trip, and I found one of the kibbles tonight.

This is not going to be easy.

Thank you all again, so much.

RussellsDad,
It's so hard to have those little reminders pop up from time to time. My cat Fuzzy used to sleep in my closet under the clothes that draped on the floor and in between a couple of pairs of shoes. I used to vacuum that area every week but now that Fuzzy is gone I don't have the heart to do it, even though it needs to be done. It was so hard at first to walk into my bedroom and look at the closet because I knew he'd never be in there again. At first I tried to keep all my feelings bottled up but now I just let it out and lay on the bed and cry for a few minutes. Coming here has helped so much.

Dear Paul,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Russell melted hearts. His picture is so sweet . I lost Nickels over a year ago. I think the worst part for me was all the firsts like fuzzysmom touched on. The first time I got into my truck after putting Nickels to sleep. The first time I went to work without Nickels. I didn't vacuum the steps for a month because his fur was there. The first week anniversary etc. I also kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye for the first month, then realization slamming back that he was gone. I cried so much and practically lived on this site. I didn't feel so alone with my grief and responses to it.

It does get better. Don't let people talk you into adopting too soon. My family adopted immediately after a loss too but it took me quite a long time to adopt. I love my new little guy in his own special way and can't imagine life without him.

Grieve, and remember Russell. There are a couple of other places here where you can post his story or a favorite story on this site. I find this helps and everyone here truly looks forward to reading these great stories.

I pray you find peace and comfort in your memories of Russell. The guilt is the hardest part of grief. It coincides with the anger part. I took Nickels to the vet thinking he had a bad cold but he was in end stage diabetes! How guilty I felt for not noticing. I also felt guilty that I couldn't afford any other options but putting him to sleep. I KNOW I will see him again, along with all the other souls I have lost on earth. You will too.

I look forward to seeing more pictures of your precious Russell. He may not be here but he is still bringing bittersweet smiles to many.

God Bless
Michelle

Russell's Dad, my sympathies for your loss, Russell's picture is so alive, I can see what a great personnality Russell must have had and of course, this kind of loss is as bad as losing a person, we here know this only too well. You have received excellent comments here. Kitty Momma has been able to tell you that sometimes this is how it does go, who knows why, everybody wanted Russell to live but fate somehow had other plans..We can't question fate, we can only accept it so that it will accept us too somehow. I totally relate to what you have said here:



and what Michelle (Nickels) has said as well

Hugs, you are in for a long haul but you will come out of it, you will be better and wll continue to be forever touched by Russell. Courage, Russell is in your heart, there for you, just call and you will feel his quiet embrace, there for you always.

RussellsDad,

You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your precious Russell. You and Russell shared many happy memories together. In time this pain you are feeling will lessen. You will be smiling and laughing about all of those fun times.

I know that when your dog is diagnosed with a tumor it is devastating. I was shocked when I found a lump on my dog Lizzy's stomach...it was the size of a golf ball. Mind you my boyfriend and I rubbed Lizzy's tummy every day. Like Russell Liz was 9, healthy and playful. Her tumor was inoperable and meds controlled it's growth for 4 1/2 months. Liz played the day before I had to put her to sleep. But she grew weak and the cancer had spread.

You gave Russell a very good life and did the best you could for him when he became ill. Grieving Russell will be painful but know that you have taken away his pain. In time you will feel a warmth in your heart...for Russell is always there.

I can relate to this so much. When you have your petfriend in your life in a physical form, you are a certain person. Your beautiful furry friend brings out a *you* that no one else knows. I know that I am a changed person because of Orion. He loved me unconditionally and I was a certain person to him...his *mommy*. I don't have that same relationship with my other cats. They are still special, but each has a different type of relationship with me. I never had human children, so our cats always have been our *children* or our best friends and it is the closest I came to understanding the *Mommy* role. We had to take care of Orion because he was sick and I was very mothering. He brought out a side of me I never knew existed. I will never forget this time in my life, when I learned about being a mother. He brought out that special part, no other pet or human has been able to accomplish. I have a cat that I have had for 15 yrs and I am not her momma. She is the cat of my heart, but I refer to her as my best friend. Different than Orion. Losing him was the most painful loss I have suffered in my life up to this point. I lost my child. That is how I feel and no one can tell me different. I will be starting a new phase, where I am not a mommy anymore. It is strange. It is hard to imagine not having our furry friend or child with us anymore here physically. I long to hold him and kiss him, but I know that I can talk to him and he knows that I will always be his momma. And someday we all will see our furry children/friends again. The love remains and keeps us attached to them forever. I am praying for you and wishing you peace in your soul. We are here, as you have seen from the responses, there are many wonderful people here who will be a shoulder for you and help you down this unfamiliar path.
susan =^.^=

Thank you all again. It's so hard to try to explain some things to people. I am in such a daze.

I've spent a very painful day putting Russell's things away. I had to throw away his food and his favorite treats. I also created a box of things to keep. That was really the hard part. I've got his coats in there, bowls, brush, favorite toys, toothbrush, and a photo someone gave me.

I did it not to get things out of the way, or to try to forget, but because it had to be done. I refuse to put anything on top of the box of his things in the closet (that feels too much like storage), and I won't wash any of the things that are a little dirty from use (I used to put a bib on him when he ate the greenies so he wouldn't get them all over his ruff...he tolerated it because the greenies were THE BOMB).

His dogwalker also came to drop off my keys. I live in NYC, and it's very common (since no one has a yard) to have someone come in and walk your dog in the middle of the day. While I've always considered her a little nuts, we talked for about 2 hours about Russell. It was a very nice chat; she had one of the dreams people here have referred to. He came to her in a dream last night.

Made me a little jealous b/c I don't think I've had that dream yet.

But her visit also made me think. Made me think about the other people Russell touched, the reactions he engendered, and how his death has affected them too. I am not the only one affected by this. She misses him terribly as well.

Here's another photo of the Little Guy...I always loved how in the sunshine, his eyes would look like almonds. He had such a on blast this day - had about 5 acres to explore, plus seafood, and family, and a gorgeous day. I let him roam and you can just see how happy he looked, city dog in Maine on July 4th!

I miss him.

sorry think the photo was too big trying again

Absolutely gorgeous picture! You keep coming here and talking. We love to listen and share a little in the wonderful life you had with Russell. We all have our special friends but when you love these creatures, you just have room to feel about other people's special friends. There is a tribute section here where I posted about my Little Guy....pictures. You might get some together and have Russell have a place there also. I found that what I did was take a 4x6 photo and scanned it to 800x600 (so I could use it as a Desktop picture when I want to). I then used my graphics software to reduce it 50% horizontal and 50% vertical. I came out with 400x300 and this seems to be a good size to post here.

I know about packing. I had to move things out to our storage shed so I wasn't staring at empty places. But dishes and toys are inside and put away. We gave away 52 cans of cat good to our neighbors who have cats and also a 25 pound bag of litter. It is just so sad that my Little Guy won't need it anymore.

Take care and the pictures of Russell are just wonderful. We all love looking at pictures of these wonderful friends we have lost.

What a gorgeous picture! Thank you for sharing it with us. I pray that you are finding some peace. It is a long tough path to traverse and we all are walking it together.
I send you more hugs and hope that you will continue to come and post here.
susan