I have come here for help..the pain in unbearable.

Her name is CICIO..pronounced chee cho. A beautiful sweet kitty of 12-1/2 years. I brought her home from the Humane Society when she was 6 months. She was the most beautiful animal I had ever seen..a pastel tortoiseshell with an exquiste face. I wish I had a photo I could get on here...but don't know how.

She traveled with me across country to a new home and she has been my only companion here. As long as she was with me and I had her to come home to, I was content and loved to just spend time with her.

She had a way of looking into my soul...and we were very connected with each other.

Cicio has had many problems right from the start but the worst started a year ago. She was diagnosed with diabetes so I started insulin. That was not a problem for her...she never blinked when I put the needle in. On weekends as well as during the week I was up at 5 a.m. (I'm a night person!) to feed her and give her insulin. My schedule was worked around her feedings and I was happy to do it.

Then there were 2 incidents were she was hooked up for 5 days on iv's...one was an acute pancreatic attack and she got thru both. She was a very strong individual.

Around the end of Aug I noticed she would be purring with an open mouth..it was just occasional but I mentioned it to the vet....she wanted a heart ultrasound done.
That was fianlly done end of Sept and I was SHOCKED to hear there was a lesion on her heart and some kind of drainage making breathing difficult.

Cicio was now in hospice but her appet*ite was good and this kitty never ate when she was in pain...that would be my sign. She adjusted to the breathing difficutly and at times it didn't seem like anything was wrong at all.

But I knew she would be leaving me soon...I was sleeping only about 4 hours a night...and tried not to show my grief to her as she was still with me.

This Tuesday I came home from work and she was in the same place I had left her in...my bedroom and she hadn't peed all day. I knew she was getting weaker and I knew I would have to make the decision soon. I so did not want to bring out that dreaded carrier...she panicked last time she was in it

She had eaten well this morning and now did come for food...she licked a bit of food...went in her box and peed and huge amount....got out and started heading for the bedroom and sounded like she was going to throw up. I called my sister again..said something was wrong and she said she was coming over. Cicio then was gasping for breath so I called the vet (they were closing in 5 min) to say I'm bringing her to euthanize..I didn't want her to suffer.

I was waiting for my sister who was only a couple miles away and checking on Cicio who was still gasping...I felt panic and wanted to get her there soon..I ran outside to look for my sister..was only gone a minute and when I came back Cicio had died. I was upset I hadn't been with her that second but knew she was in the home where she was deeply loved and knew I was there. I don't think she wanted me to see. I had always made the promise that no matter how difficult for me I would be with her at the vets when she left.

We wrapped her in a soft towel and I held her (no carrier for her!) and we arrived at the vets which had closed but where everyone was waiting at the door. We layed Cicio down in the backroom and everyone (all the techs) who loved her came over to touch and kiss her and they were crying...even her doctor. It was like a blessed funeral and Cicio had the most beautiful peaceful look on her face.

She left HER way and without inconveniencing anyone...right down to the pee in the box before she died...so her body wouldn't leave in on the bedroom carpet..just a little poop came out. My sister normally woudn't have been home and the vet clinic would have been closed if she had left 10 minutes later. I truly believe she did this for me and for herself...it was a small miracle.

I am LOST and in great pain and still in shock because it was unexpected in the sense of it wasn't a "planned" event. I have come here because of the love everyone has for their animals and the compassion for those of us suffering thru this devastating time.

Love from Donna and Cicio

Dear Donna

My deepest sympathies, what a hard Nov. 6 you have been through, I know this date will remain etched in your psyche. How wonderful you were to Cicio, from the beginning to the end.
She knew she could just move ahead in your heart and that there was already a place of love welcoming her to doze in until the two of you begin again. Lives well lived, be SO proud of yourself. Hope all kinds of wonderful things will happen in your life, you deserve a million moments of magic , know that the magic will continue. Take care, we will be with you throughout, come back and talk or post pictures or do whatever makes you feel right, or as right as you can be during this so very difficult time.

I will write you again but right now your post is too painful. I would like you to read my story ent*itled "How Do I stop crying?" about my friend. The breathing problems are too much for me right now but I will be back and I hope you find comfort in the replies you are getting and maybe from some of the ones who responded to my plea. This forum is really helping me. I cry everytime I am here but I also feel the caring of others...and you will too!

I send you warm hugs and pray for you. Our Orion had Diabetes as well for 8 yrs and we rearranged our lives to take care of him. It was cancer that took him finally 3 weeks ago. We have all been in that dark grief that you are experiencing. It is a lonely, cold place and you must cry and go through it to come to the peace on the other side of the pain. Know that your little Cicio is still with you in your heart. You will be reunited someday at The Rainbow Bridge and you will rejoice.
Please take care of yourself and know that we are all here to be there for you with open hearts and arms. We all know of that dark grief. It is the price we pay for the unconditional love we get from our beautiful animal friends and children. The love does not die with them, only the physical body.
I send many hugs to you,
Susan

Your story is so heartbreaking, I hope you find peace in knowing the Cicio was loved so much by you and even the vet techs at her hospital. At first it is really hard to come home and not have her there, but it does get a little easier every day. I found that doing a tribute was very therapeutic, you should try it. Just remember how important you were to her, without you she probably wouldn't have had 12 happy years on this earth. Keep coming back and posting, it really helps.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for responding...it means so much to me...

TOONIE....your words are truly beautiful and comforting...they create a safe place to fall and feel peace. You have a real gift and knowing.

LOVETHEM....I'm so sorry for your pain as now I know it so well....I've always loved black kitties. I know how it hurts to see them in discomfort. But I know how intuitive and mystical they are...and how they just know things and feel how much they're loved.

KITTYMOMMA....I LOVE that photo of Orion...how wonderful to watch them sleep..I have one of Cicio as well...just found it and put it out. Thank you for your compassion and kind words...and hugs back to you.

FUZZYSMOM....I like your idea of a tribute and will do that soon. Today I bought a beautiful gold calla lily plant as a memorial to Cicio and in half an hour will pick out an urn.

My thoughts are with each and everyone of you...what a blessing to be able to share this crushing pain with people who understand.

Donna

Dear Donna (MyKittyGirl)
I am new here, my little one died on Wed Nov 28. I just read about your Cicio and felt a connection with your pain. I just wanted to send you my sympathy and find out if you are still posting or reading and if you are feeling any better? Please know you have company.

Annie's mommy

You came here to find comfort yet your recent post was to comfort all of us who stopped by. That is what all this is about. Knowing we share the pain and therefore trying to share the comfort. I do hope you return and post.

your story of Cicio really touches the heart. You did everything you could for so many years so you were able to have the joy of having her. You could post some stories about her, anything that brings a smile to your face.

As far as photos, one member asked LS Support to help on that and did get some pictures posted. We others can always say how we do it...depends on where your photos are, in the computer or to be scanned. LS Support would probably be the fastest way to get your baby up here so everyone could see her. A picture really is worth a thousand words. My 3 cats were 10, 15, 16 1/2 when they left so I did have pictures..which is why I have 2 in the Tributes Section..1 for Little Guy who I just lost on 9/10 (and a picture of his twin), and the other is for his Sister and him. Pictures can bring a smile to our faces and I 'm sure you have many favorites of your baby.

Take Care and hope to see you back when you feel like it.

Well...now it's almost a month since Cicio left and it's become harder for me. It hits me most when I come home from work...the silence is deafening and the sadness slams me. I feel completely lost. I no longer have to get up at 5 to give her insulin and I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't believe that she's gone and sometimes it feels like she was never here.

I know that I have a long road ahead and I try to take one day at a time.

ANNIE'S MOM.....It breaks my heart every time I hear of another loss because I know the pain you will go through. But our babies are flying free and out of their broken bodies and that's what we want for them. Tell me more about Annie. And thanks for asking about me.

JOANNE...Thank you for your comforting words and I pray that your 2 kitties will be ok. I also know how important it is to stay in the moment and appreciate whatever time we have with them...for the next they could be gone. You are so right....how acute their senses and they CAN read our minds and body language.
You gave you boy the greatest gift of love by releasing him from his pain.

LOVE THEM...I appreciate your "welcome". I've been doing a lot of reading in pet loss books and keeping a journal. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. She was an angel for me and I think she was a very old soul. Towards the end I would catch her looking deep within in me in a steady gaze and I felt she was telling me she was leaving and worried about leaving me behind.

Donna

It's been almost 3 months since my Little Guy left after 16 1/2 years. He was my last of 3 and so now there is also emptiness. I look at his pictures ..looking at me..and I want him back...so very much!

I know what makes the emptiness bearable is having another. It always helped me in the past and I am getting ready to visit my local SPCA shelter. Every one adopted from them lets them go to the pound and rescue another one cause a space is available. Doesn't that sound familiar? We lose our loved one and a space is created in our home. That's why I wonder if it is intentional so that ones who have lots of love to give can find someone who needs to receive it. No one ever REPLACES our special ones who have been with us and left but we do miss that unconditional love they give us.

There is one here who lost her special boy recently and who added a kitten to her household. She tells me how he purrs when picked up, rolls around and likes to play....now who can't smile at that thought? Animal lovers seem to be put here to love animals...I don't know why the others are here...but there are so many animals that have no one.... If it was up to me I would keep my Little Guy but if I hadn't lost the wonderful babies I had before....I would never have met my Little Guy and he would never have been part of my life. Each new baby who enters my life would not have been there if my previous one had not been taken from me. Unfortunately you just can't have one taken from you without a tremendous amount of pain that seems to last and last. Glad to hear you are going to visit. I think this is all part of the healing process.

MyKittyGirl... Donna,

When you say "I can't believe she's gone and sometimes it feels as she was never here", I know that too. Thank you so much for asking more about my little girl... I could go on and on and on,,, but I won't . I wrote more in the beginning, but then, for some reason, I deleted alot of it. I was trying to share, and comfort, and connect with all, but now I feel lost. I am sorry to hear you are hurting as badly as I can tell you are, still. I know that I will hurt forever. I feel her pain, this loss, have destroyed me.

Peace
annie's mommy, Donna (my name too)

Love that Mark Twain quote,thanks, I have copied it into my files. here are a few, not as good but good enough to add to that :


The tears that you spill, the sorrowful, are sweeter than the laughter of snobs and the guffaws of scoffers." KGibran
-------------------------------------
With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?"
- Fernand Mery Her Majesty the Cat

I LOVE the quotes!!!! I've always said that it's an honor that a cat who has all the instincts of a tiger allows us to share their territory.

JOANNE...oddly enough I just bought Animals and the Afterlife and have just started reading it. Looks like a great book.

I know that many in this society do not recognize an animal's "funeral" and that's EXACTLY what this is. We are in grief and are mourning our beloved companion.
It is what it is and will take as long as it takes. There's no time frame. It's only in the act of mourning that we will heal.

Ignore anyone..I don't care who they are that degrade this process.

DONNA....No words can describe this pain....I know how much you are hurting...I guess I would say this is my description of HELL.....we're pretty much lost souls at the moment. It breaks my heart every time I hear about another going through this. It's so important to just feel and mourn your little girl and talk about her when you feel like doing so.

LOVE THEM...You are so right on....in rescuing another furball. I will too after some time has passed for me. My whole family has always rescued animals both domestic and wild....one at a time. I've always said to...that the right one picks us when the time is right.

My Cicio is from the Humane Society...my partner was looking at kittens and was calling me over but I saw her...she was 6 months...and said....NO...this is the one.

TOONIE...thanks for the quotes.

Donna