Today is the 9 month anniversary of my baby's death. I know she is in a good place but I still miss her so much. I still tell her every day how much I love her. I still say hi to her when I walk into the house. I'm not sure if she hears me, but I feel compelled to do it anyway...somehow deep down I think she does.

I got rid of a couple pieces of furniture that were way past their prime this week. It was kind of hard getting rid of these things that were covered with her hair. She loved to lay on the recliner, and when I was sitting on it she would sit on the arm of the chair and stare at me. That is what she is doing on my avatar. She was very intense when she looked at you. She was quite a compet*itor when it came to the staring contest.

I feel a little sad that she won't be able to lay on the new furniture that I got. I guess for right now all I have is her memories. What I wouldn't do to hold her and kiss her cheek one more time. She loved that.

Before I got Sadie I didn't care for cats...now I don't know how I could have ever thought that. I am now an official cat person.

John B

I'm so sorry it's a hard day for you. I know she hears you when you tell her hi, I just know it.

It's so hard to change things in your life or house and not have them there to "approve".

Sadie made you into a cat person, yay. I always liked both cats and dogs, but it was my Butch that turned me. One special one showes you the way.

Just know I'm thinking of you and Sadie Mae.

Love

Thanks Moose Mom!

I know you understand.

There is always that one special animal that comes into our lives sooner or later that shows us how to love animals and what great companions animals can really be if you just give them the chance to love you.

Sadie's purpose in life was to become your companion and teach you how to love cats... just like my Simba's purpose was to teach me. I strongly believe that...

I didn't care for cats much either until I met Simba. Now I know I will never be able to live without a cat in my live ever again.

Your anniversary sounds quite a bit like my most recent one (14 months and changes to Nissa's and Sabin's yard), so I know how extra-empty that can make one feel. I still talk to my kids, too, especially my girl, and it's so hard when they're not physically there to answer back anymore, but I also believe she hears me, even if it's just about mundane stuff, like "I'm going to the store now, my gal. Be back soon." I often add, "You can come with me if you like,"....cuz I know she could now.

Yes, you can SEE that intense stare in her picture! It's wonderful. She's a girl who really wanted to CONNECT with you, in a big way!

Maybe it would help if you put one of her pictures on the new chair, and even kept it next to you when you're sitting there. Or have a throw made from one of her pics (WalMart does them, as do some photo stores) and then drape it over the chair, or cover yourself with it when you're sitting. I've got one permanently on one chair (that I don't normally sit in), and kiss it, plus Nissa's pictures, daily, as well as having my Nissa and Sabin surrogate stuffies for my lap and bedtime. It's not the same, but it beats empty space.



I don't know how you could have ever thought that, either! .....but I'm sure Sadie's awfully glad you allowed her to change your mind!.....not that you had much choice, I'm sure.

These special dates are so challenging, to say the least. I'm thinking of you, too.

Hugs John, how are you holding up? I know that intense look Sadie gave you, Zena has that same look. Her look is so intense I could tell you what her eyes are saying. I know you felt that too.

I forgot to tell you this, but Zena is my second money cat. I had another one named Sheba, you know how special these girls are. I just ran across some old pics today of her.

If you ever see another money cat, and have the chance to adopt please consider doing so. Everyone I know that is fortunate to have one, loves them to death. I'm not saying the new kitty will take the place of your Sadie, but you have alot of love to give, I can tell that by how you write about your little girl Sadie.

Talk to ya soon

I understand completely what you must be feeling right now. You said something about Sadie Mae that struck me....before I got my cat Piper I was not really a cat person...now I don't know how I got along without one, as a matter of fact, I now have 2! Rusty was a stray I took in...

John...with all of the love you have to give to the animal world...I know it may be too soon but have you ever considered giving another kitty a home? I am sure there is a kitty out there that needs to be fulfilled and is just desparate for someone like you to come along and fulfill its needs...........

Take care my friend............

Thanks guys, you are the best!

Furkidlets' Mom, you gave some great suggestions. Ihave framed a few pictures of Sadie Mae. Putting one on one of the chairs would be a great idea. I like the idea of putting her picture on a throw cover too.

John, I keep asking myself the same question. At this point I just don't know. I think I need much more distance from that fatal day that I watched her die on the vets table. She went peacefully, but I will never forget how after she died and I was still petting her and telling her how much I loved her that I knew she wasn't there anymore. Maybe when that memory loses some of its sting I will, because I do miss having a kitty to come home to.

Hi Bue's Mommy, if some day I decide it is time to get another kitty I probably will get another calico. She will never be like Sadie because I know they all have their unique personalities, but I have always loved them. Do all Calicos have such minds of their own? My girlfriend has one who is so sweet but stubborn. I like that. I like the tuxedo cats too.

Take care
John B

Hey John, Boy, I almost missed this thread. That just would of been unforgivable. So you got yourself a new recliner. I know how you were struggling with that decision. I Remember when you first told me that you were thinking of getting a new one, but that you weren't sure if you could. I said OMG John Tonnie just left a response on your thread about Sadie saving you a cushion. I believed then as I do now that it was a sign from Sadie saying Daddy it's O.K. On another note, Max and I use to have our share of staring contest as well. He always won because I couldn't contain my laughter. I would wonder what the heck went through his mind as he sat there and stared. I also like the picture on the throw idea. I think I will do that too! On a lighter note, Earlier in my reply I wanted to write to you that you telling me about the recliner and Tonnie posting about the cushion was to much of a COINCIDENCE not to mean something. Notice coincidence is capitalized, there is a reason for that. I didn't post that word earlier because for the life of me I could not spell it. So I went into wordperfect and to my dismay I was so far off from the correct spelling that even wordperfect had NO SUGGESTION! AGH! Finally, I sat back and sounded it out as if I was back in grade school CO.IN.CI. DENCE. So there you have it! I think the co and in looks like it should be pronounced coin. It just looks weird, so I think that is what confused me. I thought I would share and give you a chuckle . Take care John, Your friend k9pal

Thanks K9pal,
You are a funny lady! I depend so much on spell check the older I get. You're right though, I don't believe it was a coincidence. Actually I got two recliners. I got rid of a couch too. Sadie would run behind there when I would scold her.

I guess the list of things that will remind me of her could go on forever. I'm just so glad I have her memories.

Take care
John B

John,

Yah, those lists are endless, aren't they, even if, in our sorrow, we've forgotten a whole whack of them? A tilt of the head, a special look, the way they groomed themselves, their particular way of walking, running, playing. We won't forget the 'essentials' or, most importantly, the way they 'made' us feel inside.

Speaking of memories, and history, we may be going back home for a wedding anniversary in '08....back to our own whole little family's place of birth, and where we all started out together (also where 2 of my human family members died; I was the only one who'd ever left). My knees get weak and I break into a cold sweat when I think of being there again, even if I DON'T go and see our first house, the house I had to drag my kids away from when we moved.

It's not a good memory, as I always felt so guilty for that because they LOVED it there and the move was very hard on them, and on me. Sabin ended up with a (luckily benign, and removed) tumor on his paw soon thereafter, the stress had been so great for him. I still remember clearly the morning we left, the confusion in our kids' eyes, the tears I cried when I took my last look at our lovely home and yard as we drove away. I don't want to see our old house....and yet I do... if you know what I mean. And I especially don't want to see any CHANGES it's been through over a period of what will then be almost 17 years! It's just too, too sad now to think that this whole part of my life has been here, done that, and is now gone forever.....ya know?

Furkidlets' Mom,
I know what you mean. It sounds like a bitter sweet thing. I like to drive by the places I grew up, but it's always hard seeing other peoples stuff on the yards and porches. They are not supposed to be there! Our stuff is supposed to be there.

Just like our furry babies are supposed to be here. We took them in to be with us forever. What's this about having to give them up one day? It was in the fine print but we did want to think about that. We just wanted to enjoy every single day with them.

My decision is do I want to go through that again. Do I want to eventually go through the devastation of losing another? Even the thought of dying before they do bothers me because I know...or at least think... they wouldn't understand what happened to me.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

John,
I ask myself that question too, and the answer usually comes in the form of some little waif at my door, some orphan of the storm in a parking lot. And the answer always is ' of course I will help you " I can't choose not to, my guess is you can't either.

Here's to our sweet Sadie babies.
Dayna

Now there is a reality swat...



Isn't that just the truth!!! We cherish, love and need these creature in our lives knowing the whole time in the very recess of our minds that someday we will be subject to the "fine print" of that agreement. Yet we still out of love for Gods great creatures take them in knowing the consequence of the decision.

Well said....
Good one John....!!!

John, like K9 Pal said here , i think that indeed Sadie is likely still by you, watching over you and sitting with you on your new recliners.
Why I used the cushion example All I can say is that likely, Sadie made me do it -I had no idea what I was talking about and how could I have known you were changing your couch and recliner!

Now let me share how my last two days have gone... November 2 marked my first year without Yukon after 13 years of love. It's been some kind of odyssey for me, and through it I have gone through all the emotions including doubt and despair, I have also had a feeling that the love between my soulmate and I continues. I just didn't know how I would get through Thursday (because Nov 2 was a Thursday last year) and Friday this year's Nov. 2....On the morning of this past Thursday, as soon as it was light I went to meditate/cry next to Yukon and Felix's grave. When we buried our loves there, I had put up two little straw angels on the trees around. One windy day last spring, Felix's angel had flown away, I never found it and I thought how much like my Felix this seemed, running free and so happy to do so, while Yukon who was still very heavy in my heart symbolically, his angel was still solidly attached to that branch.
It was another windy night and on the Thursday morning I saw the angel had flown off. I thought it had also disappeared, only a few inches tall and made of raffia...But it had fallen right on Yukon's grave. I picked it up and put it in my pocket and went to do my chores. Throughout the day I felt as if Yukon was there with me to lighten up the day. At night I slept with the little angel, still smelling of patchouli essence, Yukon's favorite scent. I've kept the angel in my bed now, Friday was hard but easier because of all this. May your angels be with you as well, I really do think there is enough love between us all for this. Take care, all of you and those who I haven't spoken to yet and who are in grief too, my heart goes to all of you.

John,

i have been on this site for 2.5 weeks and you have helped me out quite a bit. i have caught up with your story and am so saddened to hear how all of that happened to sadie. i honestly can't imagine. i can tell thru your postings that you have found great strength through this site as your words back are so well thought and kind. i'm sure sadies little spirit is floating all around your home and i'm also sure like someone else had mentioned that when ready, she'd want you to share some of that love with another fortunate furbaby. i can tell, you have a lot of love to give.

take care.
eddies mom

Thanks you all for your kind and loving words, and your wise advice. Little by little I used entertain thoughts of getting another kitty, but I would quickly dismiss them. Lately the thoughts seem to linger and feel a little stronger.

I believe in signs, even thought I am careful to not superimpose them over my own wishful thoughts...however I wish I had a sign from Sadie that she would approve of me getting another kitty. She was a one household cat and I know she would have vetoed any suggestion of bringing another kitty into the house...and the mention of a dog was not even up for discussion.

Anyway, keep me in your thoughts as I keep you all in mine!

John B

Maybe Sadie would have vetoed another cat but that would only be cause she was there and you belonged to her. Unconditional love is never wanting to see the one you love unhappy. Sadie loved you totally and if she can't be there, I believe her love for you would approve of a new friend. She already knows she owns your memories and you will never forget her but because she loves (and note I used the present tense) you so very much, she would not stand in the way of a new friend giving you new memories.

One of the good parts of that is you can tell the new one all about Sadie as much and as often as you like. I'm sure you would have an attentive audience whose eyes would look at you and who may wonder what you are saying but would be sure it would be important enough that they would pay attention (smile).

I just saw that it is an anniversary for you and not one any of us really like to think about. I have been there more times than I care to remember, in my lifetime but I can say I have never regreted trying to fill my emptiness with a new friend and succeeding insofar as new memories being created alongside the ones we will never forget. I even believe I could guarantee you would have no regrets either. Judy

Thank you, Judy. I love your kind and caring words! You paint pictures with your words that just might melt this hard heart. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me.

Your friend
John B

Anytime, John. Caring and sharing is what this forum is all about. I also see Alleys Mom started a new thread in New Beginnings. Boy is her new kitty Riley getting big. She even is fostering one and she explained that to me. I think you would get a smile looking at these pics. Take a stroll......

Anytime you feel down, let me know and I'll try to push you back up....at least until you maybe get a new special friend one of these days (smile).

Yes John, they each have their won personality, and they are stubborn as all get out. I used to have stuffed animals on my bed, until I got Zena. She even as a kitten threw them off the bed, sometimes the animals were bigger than her.
She likes to get under thovers with me, and if I don't lift up the quilt she verbally bashes me, lol. I hope you adopt another one.

I know that one day I will, Bues Mommy! I keep lingering longer and longer at the pet shop window. It's just too soon for me right now even though it is going on a year. I'm getting there though.

Keep lingering at that window John...there is a kitty out there that needs you........

John:

My reply is : ditto Bue's Mommy's words
ditto Xrayspex words

Ditto, ditto, ditto.

I loved your response of Nov. 8th. Let's go for the full meltdown!

You are wanted by some dear little one who is lonely without you...I'm sure of that.

I can't see you ever regretting the decision...you have a lot of love to give and as I said....someone is waiting for you to tell them ALL about Sadie.

My best to you always, John.

push...push

John, I would just like to say that whichever way you decide to go, and whenever, it's completely up to you. You're allowed to vacillate about this important decision for as long as you like. I know I often feel I'm "odd man out" and therefore supposedly 'lacking' in something when I tell people I'm simply not ready for whatever yet, including becoming a parent again. But just because someone isn't ready for another loving commitment, doesn't mean they don't have love in them still. It only means they're not ready. No one will know when that shifts except the person in whom that shift happens. So just trust that you'll know when the time feels right.

I had an awful scare this wknd. when my best feline girlfriend went missing for about a day (her 'family' are real A**holes and weren't even out looking for her), and despite already starting to fret, worry, rage and grieve over this predicted scenario (they let her run around unsupervised in our neighbourhood, so it's only a matter of time before something terrible befalls her, I believe), and debating over the do-ability of 'stealing'/rescuing her from them should she show up at my house first, I also realized I still didn't wish to handle all the many responsibilities and concurrent emotions of being an animal parent....keeping in mind that I've been told many times I'm one of the MOST responsible cat mothers of all time, so it's a heavier load with me than with some others. To me, it still feels like my girl only left me a short while ago, and it doesn't feel right at all for me to think of getting back into that whole cycle again. (and Nissa was also a very territorial little girl, like Sadie) Still, the only thing that could possibly change my mind and feelings quickly would be if I thought it was my own kids reincarnated back to me, even if I still wasn't done with my break from all that consternation of caring. THEM, I'd take in a heartbeat because how could I NOT?!

But for one who's SO responsible-feeling towards animals, this creates quite a discordance inside myself, knowing I could be saving someone else from disaster.....yet still not feeling ready inside. I want to improve a few things before I seriously consider adopting again. I want certain things to be different, mainly those things within, and I know this won't be accomplished overnight. And I don't want to be made to feel guilty if I should choose to take my time with this and thereby do it 'more rightly' for myself according to my own admittedly-high standards. So while I believe we have a duty towards these precious souls, we also have a duty towards ourselves and our own feelings. This is just another thing I've learned from all my own studies of the grieving process in people. It's no more wrong than anything else to wait until the time is right, inside. Plus, Nissa herself wanted her Mommy to learn to love herself in the same ways she'd been loved.......I've got a LONG way to go with that yet! But part of that self love includes respecting my feelings, so things just are what they are in this point in time.

I just wanted to pass that onto you, in case it helps either you or anyone else who's debated this eternal animal-loving question.

Furkidlet's Mom: It is true that we must all make our own decisions. But we also must respect others feelings also. There are no judges here and no one should ever feel like they are being criticized for waiting.

In this thread, John has happened to say some things that I personally relate to and very much understand cause I have been exactly where he is. He has responded in a certain way also...so just want you to know that because some are encouraging John and it is always up to him ultimately and we do understand that but you should not take that personally for yourself. We are in the same boat yet in different situations. We all understand each one will do what they are comfortable with.

A response to a certain thread comes from cir%%stances in that thread. I've "seen" John smile and I think that is a wonderful thing. I am sure if a comment disturbs him, he would say so,.........that's what friends are for...being honest but also caring.

Best Wishes to all.

And as I said before........Ditto, John

LoveThem,

I wasn't referring to anything in particular in this, John's thread,but just using this discussion as a means to express that other perspective, as my last line indicated. No worries.

Furkitlets' Mom

Glad to hear all is fine..........that's what we are all here for....to care.....to share...and whatever it takes to help one another. We certainly share a lot of pain together and also good news when it comes........is so welcome. I have enjoyed reading many of your thoughts on this forum and of course your avatar always gets to me. Take Care of yourself and we will be visiting again.

And, John, we both wish you the best always, and love to hear how you are doing.

Furkidlets' mom and LoveThem, I do certainly appreciate every bit of input I can get. I understand where both of you are coming from. I still miss My Sadie so much. I can't believe she has been gone for almost a year. Now I'm feeling like others here at times have expressed...I'm feeling like her memory is fading. That is so scary. In the beginning that was not a worry at all. I couldn't think of anything else, but now it depresses me....I don't want her to be forgotten.

I think I will get another kitty one day...maybe one a little older. One who really needs a good home. Right now my girlfriend wants us to take a few vacations together before I do, because she knows how hard it is for me to leave my kitty alone with others. I guess I'm over protective.

Anyway thank you all for your kind words and attention.

You're are the best!

John

John,

I feel the same way, pretty much. We'd never, ever traveled for over 15 years except for one, lousy vacation for a week, long ago when they were young, and where I called home constantly, for worrying about them. And one wknd. trip once a few years later, where I did the same. The live-in sitter probably thought we were nuts, but I didn't care, and had told her to expect this from me. To me, it usually wasn't worth the angst and with our kids, their health problems were often unpredictable and we didn't have anyone knowledgeable enough to safely leave them with.

But now we sort of owe it to ourselves to get a bit of that kind of stuff in before I ask our kids to come back to us again. The irony is that I don't have anywhere near as much interest, as compared to before, in traveling too much now, as there's always this empty house to have to come back to.....doesn't make for a very 'refreshed' feeling once my foot crosses that threshold and in fact, I've usually crashed quite badly for awhile upon returning home. So far, I've only managed to use travel as a way to try and escape from the pain a little bit.

Only if I had an exceptional friend here who thought just like I do about my kids and their welfare, was also holistically-minded, and they knew that person, liked them, and that friend could stay here (and we had a more dependable local holistic vet who also loved my kids), would I go away as a couple for an extended period, if I had kids again. And even then, I wouldn't allow them to be taken outside unless they were on a leash (one by one & like it or not!), just in case. I wouldn't want any real friend of mine to suffer any guilt, either, over something preventable happening to them while I was away. Call all of that what you will, that's how responsible I feel about any kids of mine. And that's yet another reason why I, personally, feel I must wait until whenever, to have any more furkids. Those practical things aren't in place yet, and if they never are, I guess I might just have to make do by helping animals that aren't my own instead. I'd even worry more than I did before about something happening to the both of us, if no one good enough was around and willing to take them as their own and treat them the same way as they'd become accustomed to. Leaving money in a Will to one's furkids is often pretty risky if not impossible to uphold, so one needs a trustworthy human or sanctuary to bequeath it to.

For the fading memories.....maybe if you begin writing down what you do remember, more will come back to you as you write. But it IS harder to recall each and every little thing when there isn't another furchild there to help remind you by their own doings. I'm scared of the same thing myself, though I've written a number of things down already.

I've been listening every so often to our Christmas recordable (memorial) ornament of Nissa-talk (a short compilation of some of my most fav*ourite moments of her talking that we'd recorded over some time) and I almost lose my mind for wanting to have her back, yakking away with me, and not just encapsulated in this little, gold, inanimate ball. I'm so thankful I have it, but it still kills me to hear her, yet not see her, alive and full of her amazing personality and spunk. I thought I heard her briefly call in my head yesterday, too, which was also comforting as well as heartrending. It's all just so hard....especially at this time of year.

Thanks FM,
I'm right with you in your thinking. Sometimes I wish I was a little more carefree when it came to leaving my kitty at home but I can't...and It would have to be a very very trustworthy animal loving friend for me to leave him or her in his or her care. Quite honestly and maybe a little sadly, apart from you guys I don't have anybody that I would trust. Quite a sad commentary I guess. (btw...why don't we have any crying emoticons on this board? Hint hint)

Even on this board I have read some of the heartbreaking stories of accidental deaths that reinforces my fears. My head tells me that I'm only seeing a cross section of sadness and tradgedy, but my heart wants to know if I'm strong enough to bear up under the possibility of something like that happening....again.

Take care
John

Don't worry, John. You will never forget Sadie. What has happened to me in the past is over time I do not spend so much time remembering everything I can and crying and getting depressed. I have some wonderful pictures of my babies in the past and I can look at them and smile and remember some wonderful little things about them. I just think of that as healing the only way maybe we can. The only time I cry about past babies now is if I remember the day they left and making that decision that day with what I knew that day. That's always extremely painful and if I were to tell someone the story of that day I would be crying so hard I could not finish. And how many years ago it happened will not make this memory any less painful.

It just seems there comes a time of acceptance that gives us some peace of mind so we can continue on. What you feel is natural from what I have been through. But don't ever worry about forgetting Sadie.......that just will never EVER happen.....she is as much a part of you as your own heart and that is where she will always reside.

About reading the heartbreaking stories here....that is a big purpose of being here..to hear others and help them heal by being there for them. Your head is correct about a cross-section. There are many more stories of good things vs what you read here. I don't know of a forum where people take the time to just say everything is going ok.
For Little Guy, I could have posted every day for over 16 1/2 years that he was great..all was good. I think news people say that good news is boring and that's why our evening news tries to shock us into watching. Oh, they stick in a good story now and then but not often enough.
As for your heart being strong enough...only you will know that and it may come to you someday when you least expect it and are thinking about experiencing that unconditional love again and what that is worth. Saki & Freyja's Mom said it best: The pain of losing her will never ever be bigger than the joy of knowing her. That "joy" is unconditional love and we are given the privilege of knowing it more than once...it is always there waiting for us and every day it is not a part of our life is truly our loss.
But because in the future there is a time of sadness, our decision to want that kind of love and give it back (as best as humans can) will be made when we are ready.
Take Care, John....take the vacations and relax..there will be someone patiently waiting who needs the kind of home you can give...that's all part of that "unconditional love". "Overprotective?" I'd say that your Love showing. It's right when it feels right.

Thank you, LoveThem! You truly are a special person with a big heart. I know what you are saying is true. Thank you for reminding me.

Thank you, Joanne. I know when the time is right I will take another kitty into my home and heart.

You are a special person to be able to give the kind of care that you give to your babies. I have a feeling that is why they are crossing your path. someone is leading them to you. I'm not sure I have that gift. Quite frankly it scares me to think about having to do that. It's scary enough to think I will have to lose them to old age. Selfish? maybe. All I know is I want to love them for as long as possible and for them to be healthy and not suffer. Unfortunately, that is not possible all of the time, no matter who you give your heart to...so we pray for the grace to be and do what we have to when the times comes.

Take care
John B