It has been near a year since my dear Chase died. I have returned to crying much and in solitude the past couple of days. I do not want my wife to see it. It will upset her. She deals with grief in a different way then I do, she avoids it. I cannot. Grief is something I must embrace if it appears dominant in my life. I appear to have returned to the very beginning of the grief process. I feel like I did almost one year ago. I knelt by Chases grave the other day and the vision of that day began to play in my mind. I could see so clearly pulling her lifeless little body from the cage. I could hear my wife sobbing uncontrollably as she held the flashlight while I buried our baby in the backyard on that cold dark night. This is extremely difficult to write but I must let this out...I am tired of hoping this will go away...that it will pass. I thought this anniversary thing was something that I could escape. Apparently I was wrong. I am starting to wish I had my baby back. I thought I was through that too. God help me.........

Oh John, my heart is with you in you pain but also at the same time a part of my spirit is just so happy to hear from you again!!!
I remember you had to go away, and I have often thought about you afterwards, missing your input and worrying a little bit because when you left you were terribly upset. From what I see now that you are back, you feel like you've returned to square one I have a hard time seeing you like this because whenever you wrote to someone on LS you would soothe and argue and fight back so well to bring the person out of that guilt/grief/loneliness/despair. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU THROUGH??? May I send you a big virtual hug to tell you that you are a marvellous person and have to keep working your magic for all of us who are left here on this earth?. I know how frustrating it is to see others pull through, get over it in their own way, being able to negate their feelings while you stay in that rut.
You will come out of it John, in your own time, in your own way. You John, are you. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. Let yourself cry and grieve for the time you need to. I too lost my most precious soulmate on November 2 of last year, what a year it's been. I did cry a river, I have suffered and endured, I am not the same Toonie as I was a year ago. I will miss Yukon forever, he was a warmth that can never be brought back, although I can survive now. Some of me has improved because of all this. Some of me was so delinquent before. Some of me is still lying in a heavy heap, still crushed by this ongoing loss, gradually the heap will rise again I hope. Some of me has finally been able to fly off and free sometimes to join with my soulmate who incredibly has forgiven my errors and is my inspiration for a better lived life, even though without him. If I could turn back the time, so many things would have been done otherwise. But as all this is not possible, I have to paint with the colours available to me now, they will never be as bright or happy as before but I can try to make it as beautiful as I humanly can. For my soulmate, for that people realize that the biggest influence in my life was him. I can only do honour to the gift that my soulmate's presence has been to me and prove that I was, despite it all, worthy of this love, by becoming a much improved Toonie. Not always easy but when I meet him after my life is done here, I will have a newer version of myself to present to him, as my final gift to him, and if I can do just that, I will have done right by him. TAke care and hope to hear often from you here, we care******xx

John

It's so nice to hear from you again, I'm so happy to see you back. I'm just sorry it's because you are feeling bad, but then it was grief that let us meet at all. Sharing our sorrow helped us make it through some really tough times last year.

It's funny how the grief works. I'm not sure what it is about the year anniversary that brings the grief back up, but in my experience it does in spades.

For my Butch I tried to ignore and avoid the pain and loss, and at the year I got so depressed. Just before the year was up I was back to almost the same pain as when he passed. With Moose I did better. I embraced the pain and loss, wallowed in it a bit I think. Got kinda smug about how well I was doing, and suprised that I had an emotional meltdown a few days after the date. There seems no getting away from it, at a year feelings you thought you had dealt with are going to come back up.

I'm just so sorry you are feeling bad. You are not alone. You have had such a tough year. Losing two girls seems like more than anyone should have to face. I'm sending good thoughts your way, and BIG hugs.

Toonie

I am thinking of you and your Yukon too. Learning to live without them is so dang hard.

Love

Hey John, I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. But, as Tonnie has stated, happy to hear from you again. For me, the 7th of every month I'm back to that dreadful day. I can not even imagine the pain that will resurface on the 1year anniv. For the 1yr anniv. signifies the finality of our loved ones passing, it is a time for remembrance and grieving. A time of oh my god! has it been a year? It seems like just yesterday, yet an eterinity since I last seen my furry friend. That date on the calander is the reminder, that they have and are truly gone. Your grief right now John is not a step back but a step forward in the grieving process. You have every right to be upset it has been almost a year. Take care k9pal

Thank you all so very much.

Everthing was just fine. I had seen some good recovery from this over the year and thought that I was moving toward nothing but the happy memories of Chase. My wife and I would joke about her antics, talk about what a "bad little girl" she could be....we both loved her so much. She followed us around the house everywhere when she was out of her house.....

Then the wind blew colder, the leaves changed colour...and an uneasiness began to stir inside of me everytime I thought of Chase, then I realized that a year had nearly come and gone. Thats when this started. I went to her little grave in the backyard yesterday and cried a river. I have not done that for Chase since she died last year. I know my wife was watching from the upstairs window, so now I have upset her too.

I was certain that a simple "date" in the calender year would have absolutely no effect on grief with respect to Chase. I am totally suprised. Do I have this to look forward to in 3 months time when Abigails death reaches its year mark?

How can a date wreak such havoc in ones life? I am so perplexed by this.

On a lighter note...its good to be with you all again...I have missed you

Hi John. I haven't even had time yet to answer back on my own thread about Nissa's anniversary, (and may not even find time yet today....but soon I hope), so came here first, seeing you needed some help with this, too.

Firstly, anniversary reactions (or other special dates reactions) are pretty much universal, whether people recognize them as such or not. Please see this article:
What Is An Anniversary Reaction? There's nothing wrong with you - you're quite normal, as usual. Take special note of the section that speaks of YEARS of this as a normal occurrence, but usually with gradually lessening intensity through those years. If you do better than "years", great, but if not, knowing it's an expected part of the grief experience may help you plan for it ahead of time, or simply deal with and accept it at the time.

I'd also like to quote part of an article I'd posted about ("Pet Loss Myths", by Larry Kaufman), in the Resources forum here:

"Myth: Resolution and closure (a bringing to an end; conclusion) to mourning occurs when you have succeeded in having only pleasant memories of your pet.
Reality: It is rare that anyone ever achieves complete resolution or closure to a profound loss. One is left with psychological scars, if not with incompletely healed wounds. It is unrealistic to expect that you will one day be left with only pleasant memories. Besides, being left with only pleasant memories is one-sided and doesn't present a balanced view of reality - not a goal that would be healthy or valuable to pursue. One cannot fully appreciate pleasant memories unless one has unpleasant memories to contrast them with."

Because I know this is so true, I take exception to that well-meaning but erroneous and even harmful wish from others to think ONLY of the pleasant memories. It's impossible for those who have truly loved, and it only makes people feel guilty or like failures when they inevitably fail at this task in their grief. While there are some who seem to be able to do this with great ease, they are often also the shallower types who don't seem to take anything very seriously, OR, they're often simply 'stuffing' and end up paying for that one way or another down the road......unfortunately usually dragging others with them in their unhealthy ways of dealing with things.

For your wife's ways of dealing with things versus your own - IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to try and 'save' her from your anniversary reactions, just as you can't 'save' her from her lack of same. I know, in marriage, that we try to ease our partner's burdens, but if that begins to stifle who you really are, it becomes problematic (as with me and mine on many occasions since Nissa's passing!). What IS your responsibility is to express that you need to feel how you're feeling, and if some memorial-type activity is what you're moved to do, then that's what you need to do to help yourself. Better that, than stifling yourself and in the long run making yourself sick, whether emotionally &/or physically (it always ends up as both, given enough time). Perhaps you could just ask her what, indeed, she was thinking as she watched you grieve in your yard. Your perceptions, based on the past, might not be quite as accurate as you think, for all you know. And in any case, it may just open up a discussion that leaves you both feeling more understood and accepted. If not, well, that's another matter, best left to counseling.

It's more than a "simple date" on the calendar. These are memories stored in your very cells, which can't be eradicated despite the pain they may bring. Your reactions to them may shift and soften over time, but it's also unreasonable (and unwise) to expect them to disappear entirely. And just what would you think of yourself if those dates came and went and you never felt one, little THING about them anymore? I highly doubt you'll ever be that un-deep a person, John.

And pretty much the same can be said for the changing seasons, too, at least for a few years' time for many of us. It's another season our babies aren't getting to see (in lousy-weather years, this can actually also be felt as a real blessing! ), another painful reminder of time passing w/o them here with us, as it 'should' be in a kinder plane of existence. You're getting a double-whammy, so it's no small wonder your heart's shattered once again.

If it helps to know, Nissa's One Year was pretty bad for me, and with almost no support, and frankly, it hasn't gotten any better since then. I think I know why, but that doesn't change much. On the upside, at least your wife has always been willing to relive the happier memories with you, which is one important part of support right there.

Let me start by saying that I was stunned by the article :"WHAT IS AN ANNIVERSARY REACTION". That is to say that it described what I was going through to the letter and further to that it has given me knowledge with regards to something in grief that I have obviously never understood before. "Revisiting the past" when it comes to death is something that has surfaced in different parts of my life. My Mother, my little Brother, my freind that died in a mine strike in Somalia, Chases death!!!...all thoughts that from time to time have been "revisited" and met with tears of grief. I have always segregated myself from people when these thoughts occur thinking there was something wrong with me emotionally and now I find out it is common. After I read the article I went in to my wife and we talked about little Chase. We laughed and we cried. She is feeling the "anniversary" too! She is worried about my feelings and upseting me. I felt so much better. I still feel sad moments but I know they will pass, I know that it is and will be "OK".

I guess I had unreal expectations about my grief, and you are right. I will always have a moment that something will happen and the memory of Chase will bring tears to my eyes. I don't doubt that Abigail will solicit the same reaction in a short amount of time. I guess I was hoping that after all the tears that nothing would be left but the good memories. How childish of me...I feel silly...but wiser.

Thank you for all you have shown me. You once again have opened my eyes a little wider to grief as a constant companion in the walk through life. It may get tired of me...but it never quite goes away.

You have been a good friend. I hope that time does not separate us like it did for a while there...I missed you

Take care my friend

I am so sorry for your loss and traumatic experience you described. I know how sometimes the same time of year brings up all the pain again..........you will probably NEVER forget that trauma of that night. I am so sorry and I don't know how else to comfort you, but I am thinking of you and your wife understand your grief. Hang in thre and please keep us posted on how you are doing, grief comes in waves and it is a long process......

Peace....Misty's Mama

Toonie:



Ditto for me.........I have a totally different view of the world now......and how I see people.......I also take pictures and videos of everything my daughter does and our new cat Magic, of course..I don't want to miss a moment. I didn't miss any moments with Misty, but I didn't take any videos...took lots of pictures but not nearly as many as I coud have....

Thinking of you Toonie with your upcoming anniversary.........I will think of you and Yukon Friday........

Love,

Amy

You mentioned seeing the colors of the leaves change -- such potent cues! As mammals, we're hardwired to note seasonal cues, and autumn's are so visual and evocative. Especially since autumn pulls for waning, death, loss, and closings.

I think those only-happen-once-a-year cues are SOOO strong in cuing an anniversary. My mother died a month before Christmas, and it was YEARS before I could hear the blinking, tinkly, chiming Christmas machine belch to life each year without being sad and angry. That first year it had become the visual and acoustic soundtrack to my insanely horrific grief. Years before that I'd been hurt in a car accident, and I would always recognize the anniversary date by the angle of the light in the sky. So it makes every sense in the world to me why the autumn leaves would bring you right back to that sorrowful place a year ago.

Autumn also pulls for things cozy, nested, safe, and nourished. Be sure to draw on those elements around you to support you through this time. My sympathies, Kimberly

Hi John,
It's good to have you back, John! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine how it feels to lose 2 babies so close together. You have every right to be sad and upset. With the loss of such precious souls a year is really not long at all! I still cry at least once a day for my Sadie. My mind tells me it is getting better, but my hearts wonders how...

John, all I know is thst you are in good company and I'm glad you are back too. Please forgive me as I wasn't myself several months ago.

Take care
John B

John,

Its good to see you back, but I'm sorry its because you are feeling so down. Alley's anniversary is coming up in just over a month, and I am already dreading it, and suffering depression. I can only imagine how much worse its going to be when that actual day gets here.

Like you, I've been able to talk about happier times with Alley, but it all comes back to that final day doesn't it?

I think its normal for you to relive those memories, horrible as they are. I wish I had a solution, an answer, to make it all better, for all of us. All we can do is just keep going.

hugs

Paula

Anniversarys are difficult! You are doing the right thing by allowing the grief to come out and feel it. You must not bury it. Honor your feelings and talk to Chase. Grief has it's own timetable with each person. No one can tell you it will be fine in say, 2 months or even 2 years. We all go through our own grief and letting go in our own ways. I pray for you and I hope that you find comfort here in these words from everyone. I am new here, but having read many posts so far, I see so many loving and caring people who genuinely want to be there for each other. I hope that I may be of some comfort to you as well. Just know that you have much strength coming to you from a lot of people who care about you.
The Fall and Winter always bring melancholy feelings with them. They are seasons of great change. Trees lose leaves and the air grows colder as if the earth was shutting off for some months. But, it does not and we create warmth out of that chill Winter air and we find hope in the Spring that is to follow!
I wish you peace with your heart and remember your little dear with love and happy remembrances of all your good times together. Those are the remembrances that warm us on those chill Winter days.
susan

I heard a promotion on the radio today. It was a Pet Smart promo for some of their new stores they are opening here in London. If you are one of the first 50 to cross into the store there are prizes etc. all that sort of thing. Bring your pet, it's a celebration. It's taking place on Novenber the 10th.....

.....the very day my baby Chase died exactly one year ago....

.....a celebration.....

I cried so hard.....

I have now given into the grief. I am not fighting it off any more, I will simply "allow" myself to feel the pain. That is what I am supposed to do, right?

At least I have been spared the stage of grief that is prior to this. You all know the one. Their are people coming here and are here right now as I speak that are feeling it. You all know, that state of mind where your stomach is knotted...where everything doesn't seem real...you keep hoping you will awaken from the nightmare and your baby will be beside you.

I thought about that today after the Pet Smart commercial, reflection I guess. I thought about the people that are here and their babies have just died and they are going through that....

I cried so hard......

What a sap I am!!!!!!!!!!

I honestly don't know what has gotten into me. I won't feel sad at all for long periods of the day and then suddenly the sappy switch turns on and away I go. I can't even listen to that Pet Smart promo. As soon as that comes on I turn it right off!

Toonie, I am glad your here with me...You too John B. It is good to be with both of you again. K9pal, I am so sorry that you experience this every month on that date. I am having enough trouble with the year thing let alone going through it every month. Lori, I hope you never tire of coming to my aid. You have always been there for me...I could never repay such kindness. Radgirl, I have seen you around the forum for a while now but we have not connected much. I am happy you took the time to resond to my post. Paula, I wrote to you in your post "Eight months today". You have been a good friend to me since I came here. I know you want to be with Alley and you will be rewarded but as I said in that post, Riley needs you so your work here is not yet done. There is much love for you to give another furbaby so I am afraid you will have to stay a while. Furkidlets mom, you showed me that at least I am not crazy when you shared the anniversary articles, but after what I went through today the jury is now out on that one too.

There are two people here I did not mention yet. These are the people I cry for...the people who must live and choke in perpetual darkness.

Mink&WillowsMom. You do not know this but while absent from the board for a while your story caught my attention. I have read a lot of your posts. You have moved me to tears a great many times. To lose a pet and never see it again, to always wonder, it is one of my greatest fears...heart palpitations and shortness of breath is just the start of what I feel if I use to much empathy and "go there". How horrible that must be, you have my deepest sympathy.

kittymomma....you are new....like I was one year ago. You must be in the most treacherous throws of grief this sickening emotion has to offer. The sureal...nightmare, wish-I-could-wake-up grief. This is the stage of grief that frightens me. My heart goes out to you. When someone is new and I read their story it is a foregone conclusion that I will be moved by it. My wife asks me.."Honey why do you do it?...Why do you go to a place of such intense pain?"

I don't know...I am just compelled to. Sometimes we do things without quite knowing why...we just do...just because we feel we have to.

I am spent. I really needed to come here and pour that out. I think I will sit quiet and just ponder for a while. I will see you all very soon.

Take care my friends...thank you for being here for me

Dearest John, you are simply a treasure. "Sap", my TREE ROOT! What I wouldn't give to have a partner with a heart as open and vulnerable as yours.......you've got St. Francis' blood in you, you do! Do you think people like him didn't shed tears for all of these wondrous beings, too?

Don't worry, you obviously just have more stuff to process.....and certain dang commercials like that one don't make it any easier.....although they can sometimes help one purge.

There's one here that drives me crazy, too. It's for a car repair place and they allude to your car having a "boo-boo", and how we "all" feel so bad when our "baby" has a "boo-boo"...then later, how they'll fix your "baby's boo-boo." Even after it having been closer to 8 years now since I lost my cherished Sabin, my Boo-Boo, as I called him so often, it tears open my heart each and every time. There wasn't any "fixing" MY Boo-Boo! And I sit there resenting the implication that a bloody CAR could be anywhere NEAR as treasured as my REAL baby! I've learned to run like the wind.....or, more aptly, like my Boo-Boo, to shut the dang radio OFF as soon as I hear that ad start. Like Time, you know what I'd like to do to the marketing 'geniuses' who thought up THAT one to torture me, even now!

If coming here to purge helps, then that's what helps, period. No need to figure it out, just do it. I'm glad you're not fighting what's needed now. If there's anything that shows courage in a person, this is it.

Thank YOU, for being who you are.

Hi John, sorry its taken me so long to post to you. Emotions run very high here at times, and sometimes after posting to others I have to walk away from the computer.
I'm sorry for your loss of Chase, I know he is with you in spirit though. It still does not help the void they leave when they are no longer with us.

All I can say is hang in there, you know you have your good days, and your bad ones. I guess the trick is to have more good days, where the pain is less, and the crying is at a minium.

Take Care

I understand completely. I too have often had to leave my computer because I have been overwhelmed with sadness from reading ones story. I have read your story. People that are new in the forum have the most heart breaking words one could read. Your story moved me deeply. I would like to share my life someday with a Maine Coon cat. I have always loved that breed. I have two cats of my own, Rusty & Piper along with the "babies"...my two loving ferrets, Angel & Rocket. I have not posted much in other threads in the forum as of yet. I am not that strong right now but I know it will come. Thank you for your kind words.

Take care my friend..............

John,

i am just getting strong enough to post to others so i hope i don't stick my dumb foot in my mouth. i completely understand how that year mark can have such a blowing impact, the anniversary-of-thing. eddies' only been gone 3 weeks and i'm already dreading it as we put him down the day before my birthday. uggh. i am sorry that you're hurting and wish i could say something to make that go away. i , like so many others here so appreciate your soothing, kind words and support. you must be a writer of some sorts as you are so eloquent and right on.

sorry for the delay in responding as i said i'm new at this but want you to know that you have some really important and honest things to say about grieving. i can totally relate to your feelings and feel comforted that you are around and are able to share with all of us.

please take care.
eddies mom

John,
Some days have passed since you last posted and I hope that you have been able to find some peace in that time. I know that complete peace will never come for any of us, but we CAN find a place where we can live with the wonderful memories of our beloved furbabies. I know that when my first year anniversary comes, I will be a mess. Those *anniversarys* are marked days to remember. Just as we have good anniversarys, we also mark the ones we dread. They make us reflective and bring back the feelings and emotions of that day. We must treasure the moments we had with our furbabies and know that we all must cross that bridge some day. And it is then we shall be able to hold our beloved creatures in our arms once again, rejoicing in our newfound old love! I believe St. Francis is watching out for all of our creatures as they play at his feet.
I pray that you are finding some peace and calm these days. My heart goes out to you and I send hugs your way to help warm you on the chill Autumn days.
susan