My 4 year old pug, Niko passed away on Monday during an operation to spay as a result of infection. This was all really a complication of pregnancy, because I really wanted her to be a mom. Niko always took care of strays, even stray kittens and I wanted her to have her own. I wasn't ready to let her go and it was a sudden death, leaving me feeling guilty. I keep thinking maybe I could have made better decisions, I might still have her if I hadn't wanted puppies, so many what ifs and should haves.

I am slowly getting over the guilt. I bought memorial items and an urn for my special friend and kept all her pictures right where they have always been. I sleep with her favorite traveling pillow; the one she always used on long trips as she went everywhere with me. People use to joke that we were one being.

I try to look at her pictures and toys now and think about the funny things she did, the good times we had, and how much we love each other. This helps when the tears start and my family has been wonderful, but at night, when it's quiet like this I need to vent to stay sane.

I try to concentrate on the fact that the three puppies she left for me to care for need me now more than ever and I take the best care of them that I possibly can as a memorial to her and because they are helping my heart heal. The two I am keeping will never take Niko's place and I don't expect them to, but having them makes me feel that much closer to her.

To whoever reads this...Thank you for letting me ramble. I don't know if I made much sense, but I feel better putting it down on this post.

Lisa (Niko's Mom)

I am so sorry for your loss of Niko, she sounded like a really lovely little dog who was well loved.
Dont put a guilt trip on yourself, your motives for letting her have her own family were sincere.
I am glad you have her puppies to care for, good luck with that.
Take care.
Cleo 1

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Know that none of this was your fault, sometimes it seems like things happen like this, for no reason or for reasons that we discover only later. I have often looked at my own sweet dog and felt sorry for her that I had her spayed at 6 months because I know how much she would have loved being a mother, it's so much in her to want to love and take care and she would have known
the blessings of giving life and seeing these new lives thrive under her care. But sometimes, things happen otherswise, no one knows why, all I can say is you did your best and Niko knows and is ever so grateful for the life(and lives ) that you made possible. Be soothed with these happy thoughts,know that Niko is surrounding you with her love and she will bring you the courage you need- and the love that is eternally yours. Hugs.

Thank you both for your wonderful thoughts. I am slowly getting past the guilty feelings, but I think that it will be a long time before I will get over the tears. I am so glad that I found this site. The puppies are a joy for me and knowing that I am caring for Niko's babies makes it that much better

Lisa
"Niko's Mom"

Dear Lisa,
I share closely in your pain. I had to put my Yorkie, Isabel (who was also four), down on Monday due to renal failure caused by Lyme disease. I too have been feeling very guilty because where I live Lyme disease is rampant, but I had heard that the vaccination didn't work/could even cause them to get Lyme disease.

My husband is very thrifty and also very cynical and figured the vet was just trying to get us to buy three more pricey shots that didn't even work. After Isabel was diagnosed, I researched Lyme disease, the vaccinations, the chemical preventatives - everything extensively. My husband calls it my "Mommy-mode". I'm the same way with my daughter who was diagnosed with MS at 14 yrs. old.

Anyway, it was too late to do anything, but I wanted to understand what had happened and why and also what was going to happen from there on. What I found out was disheartening. There was a 1% chance of the Lyme disease going to her kidneys and not first affecting her joints - pretty rotten luck. And I found out that the vaccinations would have protected her from the three most prevelent bacteria that cause Lyme disease and increased her odds exponentially of not getting it in the first place - so my husband and I went through some serious guilt over that for about a day.

Then I decided that wasn't doing anyone any good, so I decided to put a face (a cute furry face) to Lyme disease and tell people the truth of what I found from my independent research with nothing more than my sweet girl as my motivation. I thought that if I could tell people that I'm not making one thin dime from vaccinations or Frontline/Advantage/etc., then maybe skeptics like my husband would listen and protect their pets before it's too late for them - and that could be Isabel's legacy to her fellow furry friends. (boy, you thought you were rambling - my husband calls this "one of my books") Anyway, I'm working on a pamphlet to post at our area vet offices and I'd like to have a booth at this year's pet fair that our vet has every spring. If I can get one of my kids to help me, I'd also like to get a webpage up.

It sounds to me as if Niko was very nurturing and if she could have spoken probably would have asked for her own litter. We had a dachsund who took care of a kitten we rescued at only 2 weeks old and she mothered the kitten perfectly. If Niko felt that much of an urge she probably would have been thrilled to be a mother.

It seems so unfair when something that goes smoothly for plenty of people every day ends up so badly for us, but I do believe there's a reason. Perhaps you'll share an uncommon closeness with the two puppies you're keeping because you have to be their mother and you three will have extraordinary adventures together, never forgetting all the while the gift that Niko gave you.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, and for going on so long (hope you didn't fall asleep from boredom).
Good luck with your puppies and keep coming back - I promise I won't write any more books to you,
Amy

BTW - that's a super-cute picture of Niko. Yorkies do that thing where they leave their tongue out too - sometimes I swear our dog does it just to make us laugh.

Amy
(see - no book)

jackjackbojack and Isabelsmommy,

Thank you both so much for your posts. I have a memorial pendant with some of Niko's ashes in it to keep her close to my heart at all times, I bought her a gorgeous urn with a plaque, and a memorial stone for the flower bed she just refused to stay out of

The puppies are getting so big, so fast and I have a little girl that has so many of her momma's manerisms that it is almost scary. The two puppies I am keeping will definitely be more spoiled than their mom ever was...they already like belly rubs and kisses. I have added a photo of Niko's little look-a-like, Echo...she is so sweet.

Though I am still dealing with a bit of the depression and guilt I am doing better. I bought this book by Gary Kurz called "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" I would suggest it for everyone with pets. It has been a great comfort as has this site.

I am so glad you all are here, I don't know what I would have done without this site.

Niko's Mom

I am so sorry about Niko! You guys sound like my cat Misty and me....I have my daughter's book of Mary Had a Little Lamb next to his coffin because everyhere Amy went Misty was sure to go! We were inseparable too!!!

Expect a lot of ups and downs, grief comes in waves, but after about 6 months it does go up hill and the bad days become less. I promise.........

Just trying to offer you some hope. I know it's hard as ever for you right now, let yourself feel pain but know it will get better....

also, don't blame yourself.......obviously you loved Niko very deeply and Niko knew it, things happen and we can't beat ourselves up over shoulds and could haves.......

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing. The first year is filled with ups and downs....this board has been the best support I have found.......

Hugs, Misty's Mama

Misty's Mama,

The days are getting better, yet my nights are still very rough. My sleeping pal is gone and the emptiness gets so overwhelming at night. I tend to sleep on the couch as a way to avoid the emptiness on my side of the bed, plus the pups are in the living room.

I got Niko a beautiful Urn and a cremation pendant to wear in order to keep her close at all times. I have also added a memeorial at Rainbow Bridge that has been very helpful.

Thank you for the post, it feels good to know that people care, my family tries, but I can tell they just want everything back to normal.

Lisa
"Niko's Mom"

Niko's Mom:

Thank you for visiting my Little Guy's thread in this Section. I did also put some photos in the Tribute Section for him and then again for his sister, which helped me deal with everything.

You did everything right for your baby. You have no need to feel guilt. what happened was not in your control. I had a tiny poodle years ago that I had spayed and for some reason that operation made her immune system go crazy and internally it was described to me as her immune system was attacking itself.
I visited her at the vet everyday while they were trying to cure this. But nothing worked and they called me one day and said she had died. For a while I had the guilt of wanting to spay her which I think somehow triggered it all. But then I realized that because I do love animals so much & because there are so many unwanted allowed to be born, it is a part of me that I always spay or neuter a pet and I will continue to do this. So I have no room for guilt else I would have to give up doing spay and/or neuter which I won't give up. Knowing I won't be responsible for unwanted ones being born is more important than allowing myself to feel guilty about a decision I really believe in. Take Care.. I am SO glad you have the puppies...Niko left you a part of her..sounds like 3 parts (3 puppies!).

We lost one of Niko's puppies yesterday. Apparently the infection that killed her has taken another little life.

Ki, our lost little angel as well as his momma, Niko can be visited at www.rainbowsbridge.com.

Thanks to everyone for your replies

Lisa "Niko's Mom"

Dear Lisa, I am so sorry

We are so civilized we who sit at our computers that we don't realize that this is very much a fact of life. In the wild, litters rarely make it through completely. In this world of ours, you were able to save three babies that wouldn't have survived in nature if they had lost their mother. Thy will be done, part of a prayer but also perhaps it must be part of our philosophy. It was meant to be. You must have thought, like I did, that on the other hand, we can take comfort in knowing that Niko was blessed with this early gift, Ki had a loving place to go to and you will be blessed for this gift , you and we know that there is a whole lot of beauty in the story of Lisa and Niko and their kids and that the story will continue, on earth as it will in heaven. Take care, hugs to you sweet sweet Lisa.

Hi Lisa,
Sometimes the troubles keep coming don't they? Whether they are to strengthen us, test us, or make us more empathetic to others, we can be sure that they do not come without some purpose, no matter how bittersweet.

Lisa, I put Nico's picture on my computers wallpaper because I think she is so cute and she makes me laugh every time I look at her. I know that you know that Pugs live in the moment and live to entertain us. She is alive and well somewhere in another realm. If I didn't believe that I couldn't go on.

I hope you are feeling better. It takes time.

Take care.
John B.

Dear Lisa,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Life hands us some real trials sometimes and we must look within our hearts to remain grounded. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your beautiful little Niko, what a precious little beauty she was! I love your picture of her! I love the way you can always see the little pink tongues on Pugs. I am so sorry the pup did not make it. Nature sometimes has it's own way of taking care of the puppies and kittens who are too weak to live on this earth, so they go to be with their mommas over the Rainbow Bridge. Niko is surely teaching her little baby everything it needs to know! And they are together. We all will be reunited with our beautiful furchildren and friends someday. Until then we are needed here to care for all the other furpersons who need us. For those of us who love animals surely know that this is our calling...
Prayers and Hugs are coming your way!
susan

Thank you all so much for your responses and support. John B. I think it is great that Niko is on your desktop..she is forever on mine..what a memorial!

I do have some good news. I had the two remaining puppies weighed today and the vet says they look great. We may actually be past the bad stuff. The female that looks like Niko now has a new name...Miko...for Mini-Niko, and the little boy will stay with us too...his name is Pippen (just like the movie Lord of the Rings) and we call him peanut. These two will be with us for good.

Momma Niko would be so proud

Thanks again for everything, all the support, and all the kind words.

Lisa