it just happened so quickly my sister woke upon friday a said that duke had been dry heving and he fell down and look like he had a fit. so i took him to the vet and although he seemed ok they wanted to keep him in for the night. in the morining they rang and said that he had cancer and that he had been throwing up blood, they said they thought it was best if he was put to sleep. so i went to see him one last time and he was in an awful state, so i said it was ok for them to put him to sleep on that day. ive just been falling apart since, i feel so guilty that i wasnt there with him when they put him to sleep, every time i go down stairs and going mad. i just cant take it when i look at his picture and realise aim never going to see him or hug or kiss him again ever, i even feel guilty when i look at his picture or think of him and dont cry. its so hard to get my head round it all and iam just falling apart. i just feel i need him so much. i know it wont hurt so much with time but i also dont want to ever forget him iam so scared of that.

i guess iam just trying to say that iam all over the place and i dont even know if i want to pull myself together, let alone know how to.

now i feel guilty that all ive done is wine about myself when i could have used this time to say how beautiful and loving and fantastic duke was. if anyone one is interested i will write some things about him.

Dear Steven_V welcome to our club of mourners, we don't need to have known your sweet Duke to know what you are going through, it's what most of us here have been experiencing, the jolt, the lightning strike, suddenly we are shattered like never before. At first we are like zombies walking around with open wounds in a state of shock and despair. Eventhough we will regain our strength we will always continue to feel the impact of our loss. You won't forget Duke, you will remember how you and Duke felt forever. So many of us have struggles with the events of the last moments each one of us for our own reasons but the truth is there can not ever be a well executed death, there is only the awful, awkward, all-wounding hurt of a separation that no one wants yet has to be.
Hang in there and have a good cry when you need to, this is the way we adapt to not holding them anymore but know that he is still with you. After that cry spend some time meditating about Duke, he will reach you and comfort you. Take care. Come back and talk about Duke or your feelings, we care and we share your grief.

Dear Steven,
So sorry to hear about your Duke, obviously, he was a fantastic dog, honey this is a terrible road, and as Toonie, said much better than I, it's one that we don't ever know how its going to go for us and our dog/cat pals. Sometimes there is warning and sometimes not, you did all you could, and Duke knew it....many times they are just so sick they don't even realize where they are or what is going on around them, you did the bravest and kindest thing for your pal, the guilt is such a common feeling for all of us, its so easy to second guess yourself, but you know in your heart you did what you had to for him, and unfortunately many times emergencies are so sudden and unexpected, that its easy to rethink it over and over.... try not to....it's the toughest and hardest but you did it for him because you loved him so much, at first you do feel crazy, lost, and numb with sorrow, I don't want to say it will be "better" but somehow you pull through, but it takes time.. just give yourself time.

These people at LS are so fantastic, they saved my life when I lost my boy, it was back at Christmas time, but b/c of the support I received and I know others feel the same way, I come back and check in with the old friends, anyway come back and share as much as you can it really does help, and when you are ready, we would love to see a picture of your pal, I know he was a wonderful guy, and remember, he's all around you, and you will be reunited in the end, give yourself time,.....Peace my friend, Tory, Hrudey and Frank's Momma

Hi Steven,
I'm so sorry. I do know what you are feeling. I remember being so devastated when my Sadie died (was put to sleep) that I couldn't imagine how I was ever going to go on. I barely slept, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even drink water because I thought I would drown. It makes you go a little crazy. We all really do understand what you are going through. Coming here and writing from my heart and reading about everybody Else's sad stories helps to know you are not alone. It doesn't take away your pain but it helps ease it a little until your heart heals.

Steven, I know the loss of Duke seems so final, but I don't believe it is. Who are we to say that animals that are created with spirits can ever be snuffed out forever? I don't believe that the creator would ever do that. Animals are sinless and I'm sure their spirits go to be with God. So in my mind if we go to be with God when we die we will see them again.

I'm so sad that you lost your best friend. I am at work right now and trying not to cry. This is one thing good that I got out of losing my baby...I've learned to have true empathy for those who are hurting. I know it is a good thing even though sometimes it feels like a curse.

Take care
John B

I'm so so sorry about your Duke, you have my deepest sympathy. It's normal at first to feel that you're going a little crazy, cause it is kind of a crazy feeling to know that Duke's physical form won't be there with you. Notice that I'm saying his "physical form" cause I firmly believe that our beloved pet's spirits live on and are around us always. Let me emphasize one thing - you will never forget Duke, don't even think that will happen, cause it won't. A bond that strong lives on for ever, long after your soul has left this earth, yours and Duke's souls will keep on.

This crazy out of control feeling does take you all over the map. One minute you feel you can pull through, the next moment you think that your Duke needs you and you have to join him. I felt that way with one of my cats, and know that if that had happened, it would have compounded the grief and I wouldn't have known the precious pets who've found me since, and saved me, in a way, more than I've saved them. Again, let me emphasize, this is normal, we all feel it, and we all have to live through it and come out the other side. We may not want to, but it's a part of life, one of the more unsavory parts of life, that make us who we are. Take your time, write to us, cry when you need to - and you do need to - and understand that there are no rules for grief, no timelines, and no deadlines. You do what you need for yourself, cause Duke is in good hands now, peaceful hands which will hold him for you till that day far from now when you meet again. He's safe and out of pain and only has joy, and you did the right thing for him, and I'm one of those people who believe that instinctively our beloved companions know this.

Don't ever think you're whining to us, expressing your heartbreak is not whining in any way, shape or form. Let us know Duke the way you did - it's not easy to write about it, and it will hurt, but it's something we all need to do at our own pace, to come to some kind of resolution. When you're ready, we're here, and we'd like to know how you're doing. Do take care - Barb

Steven V, I'm so.. very sorry. Losing Duke so suddenly must be so horrific for you. You probably have a hundred unanswered questions and doubts going through your head right now. It's natural, we have all been there. So whatever you are feeling let us know so we can try to help and be a friend to you during this darkest hour of grief. Bye the way, we would love to hear all about your special Duke. Take care k9pal

is it normal that i want to go of and do normal things but i feel really guilty about even thinking of that. a part of me wants to go and carry on doing normal things but i also feel that i should stay at home and mourn him. i just feel so guilty about it. i dont know what i should do. if i stay home and cry i feel that maybe i should be trying to do normal things again, and if i try to do normall things i feel that i should be staying at home and crying

i feel bad that like its ruining his memory to think like that so soon, he ment so much to me that i feel i should mourn him properly forever

Yes Steven, it is normal. You are grieving and you just lost someone very suddenly who you loved. Your world has been turned upside down. Whether your at home, work, w/friends or doing other things you will still be mourning Duke. I know, it is so hard to go back to every day life as if it's normal when you know deep in your heart that it's not. Because now a big piece of it is missing. I felt the same way that you do. One time a realized that I was smiling and I was disgusted with myself for doing so. As soon as I caught myself I got depressed because I said to myself how can you be happy when Max is dead. But I came to realize, thanks in part to the people on this site was that Max would want me to be happy not punishing myself for his death. What would Duke do if ever you were upset or sad. I bet that he was right by your side cheering you up. So what was his lesson, what did he teach you. It seems to me that he was saying Daddy, please don't be sad, come on get up and be happy. Your not ruining his memory by trying to move on. Your honoring him by doing so. Duke knows that he will always be in your heart no matter what. Take care Steven k9pal

Steven.
I'm so sorry about your beloved Duke. Take it from me, when you feel the need to cry about Duke do it. It will make you feel better. It is not a sign of weakness. It shows you love and miss your friend. I still cry for my lost furbabies for their passing has left an unfillable void. Mourn his loss and cry when you feel you need to. I do.
Steve

I read your post and I really feel for you. We have all been in your shoes, the initial shock, disbelief, and pain.

Hang in there, don't feel guilty.... you loved Duke and he meant a lot to you.......sounds like he had an awesome home with you.....I know you made every day of his life happy.

Please keep checking in, we are here to listen and care.....the support I received here I can't even put a pricetag on, it really is a great support during the long road to recovery from a tremendous loss......

Misty's Mama

Hi, Steven --

I'm so sorry about Duke. What a shock it was for you, and for what you're going through, my heart just goes out to you.

What I hear in your emails is that you are worried quite a bit about what you should and shouldn't be doing. And that's normal, and it's normal to feel guilty or badly no matter what you are doing, or how you choose to spend each hour that goes by. What I want to say is that I think you need to go a little easier on the shoulds and shouldnts. There is no right or wrong way to feel at any given time. There will be times when you feel okay, and other times when you feel devastated - that's just part of grief's roller coaster. To some extent, we have to go on with our regular normal lives, but that doesn't mean we feel any less. And sometimes, that's a good thing, or we'd go crazy just sitting around thinking about what we've lost. If you feel okay for a little while, then try to look at that as a blessing.

Duke knows you miss him and that you love him, Steven. I'm sure he doesn't begrudge you your "normal" time. If it's true what a lot of people say, and he can see you, it might even be making him happy to see you doing regular things.

Take care, and try not to come down on yourself. Duke wouldn't, and neither will we.

-- Michelle K.

Hey Steven, if you feel like going out and doing normal things that is perfectly fine. Helpful even. I remember when my Dad died I washed and detailed my car for hours. You have to do what helps you get through this. In no way can anything you are doing right now mean you don't care...or you wouldn't be talking to us about it. Your love for duke is evident.

Please do.

What a horrible shock for you. I don't think you should feel guillty by going out and doing things, if this is how you choose to mourn. You will never forget Duke, no matter what. I still have dreams about my dogs, who died over 10 years ago. I don't know why, but I imagine Duke as a large, black dog....

Here's some pics of my precious Dukey Myspace pics of Duke i'll add more soon

Oh Steven! The grief is so fresh! I know how you feel. I lost My Duffy this September 11th and boy! does your mind play games with you. I think that it is helpful for you to have an urge to want to move on. Of course, you will feel guilt but the guilt is nonsensical. It's just your survival instinct kicking in and trying to help you move on from so much pain. I'm here for you-and this wonderful family here, on this website-we are all here for you. You are in my thoughts and I wish you peace at such a difficult time. Duke was a wonderful dog and he is at the Bridge with all of our sweet furangels. They are not in pain anymore. My heart goes out to you now.
Hugs,
Stephanie

Could you please post a photo of Duke here directly....I admit I am chronologically beyond the My Space Generation, and couldn't access the photos.

iam not sure how to

when you hit reply, down below there is something called "file Attachements" and you hit browse, then upload the photo.

i took a few to many of my antianxiety drugs today and made a fool out of my self, i think i even forgot about duke ffor a secound, now not ownly do i feel embarised and an idiot but i feel really guilty that ive sullied my mourning him with this. i feel like his looking over me very dissapointed

my duke

i'll have to find some more pics

Hi steven.

Wow, Duke is ADORABLE (ok, I imagined a big black dog with floppy ears). He looks like a wonderful mix of breeds. There was a show called "my three sons" and they had a dog that looked exactly like Duke!

Steven, please don't be so hard on yourself. You do not have to punish yourself. You are obviously suffering a lot over Duke, and dealing with it as best you can. You are not expected to be thinking of Duke every second. You are going through a horrible time now, as anyone who loses a loved one. Many people don't understand that the passing of a pet is as traumatic as losing a human relative, making the mourning process more difficult.

Would you like to share some thoughts or stories of you and Duke?

he's an old english ship dog, but we always thought they lied whe they said he was pure breed. i prefer cross breeds any way

just looking at his picks, god how i miss him. i just want to hold him again

You will. In a dream.

Steven,
What a beauty Duke is! I love the Herding dogs too.

Hugs,
Stephanie

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=htt...GLJ:en%26sa%3DN

OK, the dog's name was Tramp. If you click the link, scroll down a bit and you will see him!

something has been playing on my mind today. iam worried i may have been a cause of my dog being ill, iam pretty sure the vet said he had caner but also that he had blood in his stomach. the morning i took him to the vets he feel and got stuck in the back of the car between the seats. so my sister stoped the car and i went to help him, he got out of the car but because he didnt know where he was he kept trying to run into the road, so i had to be very heavy handed with getting him back into the car and iam worried i may have hert him. iam afraid i may have caused the bleeding in his stomach. and i cant remember exactly what the vet said about what was wrong so iam really worried i may have been a cause of him being ill

Dear Steven, I doubt that your handling Duke even in a firm way would have had anything to do with Duke's condition. But there comes a time during our grief where guilt wants in, for some reason or another. Please read this article and see what is going on, you need not feel guilty at all but I know it happens:


http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-a...en-of-guilt.htm

Take care, please don't feel guilty, Duke knows you did all you could, if roles had veen reversed all would have been the same because you both loved and did your best for each other.

Steven.

I was afraid you were blaming yourself. You did NOT cause Duke any harm. NOT.

Your dog was diagnosed with cancer. That is what was causing the blood in his stomach. Falling off a car seat or being grabbed firmly by you can NOT cause blood in the stomach, and can NOT cause cancer.

Blood in the digestive system (that comes out in the stool and/or vomiting through the mouth) is a very common symptom of many types of cancer. Cancer can often hide itself until the end. You rushed Duke to the Doctor and did all you could to help him.

Steven, I'm not sure if I had mentioned to you that I also lost my dog Max due to cancer. He started with a limp in which he was diagnosed with a slight sprain. At the end of that month he could barely walk, eat, or control his bladder. Then he went blind. I cry all the time remembering all the pain he was in and I still carry guilt about it. I went through all the what if's and I hated myself. But what I learned is that cancer is so aggressive and vicious. It can spread through out the body within a blink of an eye. It does harm to the body in so... many ways and the side effects are countless. You didn't cause Dukes bleeding the cancer did. I know your feeling bad about being rough with him to get him in the car. But what was the alternitive? You feared for his safety and you had to protect him. Not to mention the chaos and anxiety you were feeling at the time. God, how I remember that feeling. On the way to the vet (Maxes last day)I yelled at my sister to stop bothering my dog . She was petting and talking to him (I was so worried about him) and I was afraid that he would try and come up to the front of the car or move around and hurt himself. She was only trying to comfort him and I still feel bad about it. But the slightess move on his part would of caused him pain and I had to protect him from that. No matter how crule it seems to me now I did it out of fear and love. That is how I feel about you and Duke. You did what you had to do to keep him safe out of love. Take care Steven, and please try not to be to hard on yourself. k9pal