How do you adjust to life without your furry friend? I just can't seem to do it. I never realized how much my life revolved around Max. I start to rush home from work and I have to remined myself slow down there is nobody at home waiting for you. Cleaning the house now I feel lazy. There's no more hair to constantly clean up. What I did on a almost everyday basis is now obsolete. Going for walks, I'm surprised I haven't put on any weight because I don't do it anymore. Max wouldn't eat the food from big bags of dog food when it got to about half empty. I don't know why but he prefered the small bags. So every week I would schedule my errands around the time he needed more food. Now I just put the errands off because the most important one no longer exists. At night is the worse my husband always went to bed earlier then Max and myself so it was our alone time. Now I can't stand to be up later because I'm by myself with no one to share it with. I use to love going outside at night. While Max would go to the bathroom I would sit and look at the moon and stars, and enjoy the breezes. The way the trees swayed and the bugs chirped. Now I don't go out . I went out once since his passing and it wasn't peaceful as before. Now it seems menicing. To many shadows lurking about. I didn't feel safe and I cried because he wasn't with me. I just wish there was some sense of normalcy. My life seems to be out of place it's so confusing. I can't believe that he isn't a part of it any more. How do you adjust?

I wish I had the words to tell you how to adjust to life without one pet, but I've never had just one pet so I don't know. I can feel the pain in your words though, and I'm so sorry for it. I won''t be silly enough to tell you the memories will fade because they don't fade, they recede a bit but they never go away and in fact may get worse before that. I know what you mean about walks. I can't walk past the corner with the sewer where we rescued Magic from, which is odd because I used to be able to, but now as time passes I can't, so that has changed for the worse as far as I'm concerned. How do you adjust? - However you can, is what I found when I lost my 17-year-old Heidi cat. Another thing I sense from your words is loneliness - you seem to miss the comfort of another being with you at night, and outside, and on walks. I don't know about you, but with me, loneliness in the past has only gotten worse as time goes on. Again, I have other pets, so it's usually not an issue, but each cat has their personality which is deeply missed and I find myself lonely for. But you've been there for me and others before, so I'll tell you what I would tell any close friend who is obviously hurting badly and is lonely. If the adjustment, or rather non-adjustment, is so painful that it is affecting your life and causing you deep sadness, you might want to consider some grief counseling on a short-term basis. I don't know you well enough to suggest that you might want to consider honoring Max's life by getting another dog - not a pup, but a dog - because for some people that appears to be more painful than helpful. But the counseling has had some good results, and I've seen my mom do very well with it.

I wish I could answer your question. I'm afraid it's one of those questions that in the end you have to find the answer to yourself. (Don't you just hate those?) I like concrete, solid, firm answers that I can control, which was my big problem when I lost Heidi and Magic, and I've learned has been a major source of conflict in my life. I want to control my life down to when I decide when and how my pets are ready to move on, as well as myself, I want to control everything. And to lose them without any control at all, was just devastating. I wrestled with that for so long, and then I realized that if I were to consider myself a Christian (which I do, although I understand not all folks do, and I understand that and accept that) I had to leave some things to a higher power. But it's hard, I won't deny that. And the adjustment - it's agonizing. I'm sorry, I wish I could put a pretty face on it and make it better for you, I would in a heartbeat if I could. The sharp pain does become a different ent*ity, I would say, it becomes an endearing sort of remembrance eventually (I emphasize eventually). The last thing I'd say, and it takes awhile to accept this idea, I think, is that Max's spirit is always with you, a bond that strong doesn't just cut off because his physical body isn't here. I just can't believe that idea, that our beloved ones just leave us behind. They just wouldn't do that.

I don't know if I've helped or hurt you more. Maybe, probably, both. I'm sorry if that's the case. When I lost Heidi, she was the first pet I'd lost, and I was in a state of shock, I couldn't imagine her not being there, how I could go on without her, and even with my kids, my husband, everything and everyone who love me, I felt in a way I needed to join her so she wouldn't be scared (she was always a scaredy-cat). Of course, that thought only lasted seconds, if that, and my boys gathered around me in a way I never expected, so I knew I couldn't leave them, and I knew God would watch out for her, and I know, absolutely for sure, that she visits occasionally (don't ask me how I know, the whole family knows, it's as clear to us as this computer on my lap). But I know the pain, the hopeless feeling, and hon, I've been there, and so many people here have been there, Come back and let us know how you're doing. We do care, cause we've been there - Barb

K9pal, 5catsmom is so right. Your Max will always be with you, in your heart. It's not just a pet you've lost, Max was a loved one, a part of your family. You 've also lost a huge part of your lifestyle - not just the walks. You said you liked to look at the moon and the stars when you had your own time with Max, have you tried this since his death? I love to sit on the bench my cat used to lie on and just sit quietly. The peace and comfort I feel then makes it a bit easier to adjust. It's hard to do at first, but Max will be there with you, I'm sure.

Take care x

Looks like we are going through the same thoughts and feelings;just yesterday like 5cats mom I was thinking that it can not make sense that death could end consciousness.Perhaps that consciousness is never born and never dies, it just chooses a shell to live the physical while on earth and the spirit then goes on after the shell is discarded. For what purpose would one go through the process of conscious thought if life was only for that time here on earth. I too often feel my soulmate just close by me. I feel this continuity, just as I felt there was somekind of a past that already knew this love. In any event, it is a more positive way of thinking, it brings me hope where thinking that all is finished leaves me in despair. I too keep thinking I would want to join my soulmate and even tell myself that I am not afraid of death anymore but yesterday I found this wasn't true when I truly feared losing my balance and falling 20 feet from an apple tree. K9Pal, you might find the outdoors scary but did you ever try 'scaring' yourself by going beyond? You might be surprised at the feeling of having braved it. It's sort of reassuring to realize that life goes on, our survival matters and we have to make the best of the rest of our lives, though somedays it isn't easy....How do we adjust? We let ourselves change, we must. We make it so that our change will better us, to make our soulmate's impact a positive influence in our lives, it's our way of honoring them. We may be less 'smiley ' types. We have become more sober, we are changed. Their love is etched on our souls. When all is gone, this love will still be there. The rest is the great unknown. The rest lies in hope. Meanwhile, we cope and still love somehow, from a well deeper than life itself. Courage and hugs to all of you who still feel the tears.

Dear k9pal,

I wish I had an answer for you, friend. I simply don't know what to say except the obvious. You just have to put one foot in front of the other, cry when you need to and laugh when you can. I also understand your pain at the devastating beauty of a moonlit night without your boy to make it safe and perfect.

My dogs had been with me through the best and the worst of my life. My daughter is grown and on her own. She went of to college in the fall of 1999. It was just me and the dogs but I was somehow, content and happy because I had them. It was as it should be.

I remember when Milo died, the first six months or so were INCREDIBLY difficult even though I had Nori and the cats to console and amuse me. His name was always the tip of my tongue, his tags on my keychain. I walked with a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart. I'd often have to excuse myself to a private place to mourn a moment and dry my tears.

My dogs were so much a part of my life that EVERYONE asked after them from co workers and collegues, to neighbors and aquaintances, even the checkers at Trader Joe's. (I bought ALOT of dog food).

They was no decrease in pet hair for obvious reasons.

There were photos and paintings of him all over the house. His bed remained, his toys, his leash hung outside the door with Nori's, I never bothered to move it.

Particularly hard to see was the first photo I took of him when he came to me - the very first day. He was so sweet, so frightened and so very shy. To this day, that one makes me cry. He spent the first few months velcroed to me, I was his safe place. As long as we were together he was okay. Little did he know that the same could be siad of me. He had a lovely gait - he positively pranced and people would stop on the street to comment. (My others walk like dogs, not like the Tennessee Walker).

As Scatsmom, mentioned so delicately, I wonder if there will be a place in your heart for another friend if and when you are ready. People like us love our pets so deeply and differently than some others because we understand them, we respect them and we appreciate the added dimension of a fellow creature on our walk through the world.

I did not set out to get another dog. I had decided that at this point in my life, I wanted to be a "one dog household" and I wanted Nori to live out her years as our doted upon darling unmolested by a pesky young dog.

But I couldn't resist occasional trips to our rescue website and one night early last summer, I saw him. I had seen a few dogs throughout the year, and thought they were darling. I wished them wonderful and forever homes but they didn't speak to me, it wasn't right yet.

This dog's picture came up and the reponse was immediate and visceral. The hair on my arms actually stood on end. There he was, and there was no going back.
Although Mouse looks alot like Milo, his personality and temperment is very different. We did not meet until about a month or two later but from that moment, he was my dog. When we finally met after vacation, etc., he greeted me like a llong lost friend and happily settled into my car for the long ride home.

I like what toonie shared as well, the concious mind and the fact that all beings are energy and energy does not cease to exist, it only changes form.

Milo and all my other animal companions are very much with me still, he has a special place in my heart and my soul and it is because of him that I live slightly differently that I did before knowing him.

Okay, I might be rambling a bit but I wanted to share this with you as a case in point. Years ago, I did Early Intervention in an urban setting not far from my home. I worked with children who were medically fragile and /or developmentally delayed. I went to meet a (baby) client for the first time. She was about a year old. My mother had died a few years before and was still a very strong prescence for me and I like to think, worked beside me as I tried to help the children.

The caretaker brought the baby to me and she reached out for me to pick her up immediately. She was a beautiful, light skinned baby with incredible green eyes, like my mom. As I held her, I looked ino her beautiful face and said to her, "Baby, how'd you get my Momma's eyes"? k9pal, she reached up and stoked my cheek, smiled and laid her head on my shoulder! 'Nuf said.

You know I wish you all good things and peace as it comes to you with this incredible loss. But please know, there is magic in this world as well as pain.

love, Sharon

Barbara, Thank you for the reply. I Thank you more for speaking from the heart. Yes, your post did hurt me because it's hard to hear about others pain and emotions. As you read you feel that pain, understand it, you empathize with it. But that hurt also helps immensely because I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I truly consider all of you here my therapist. Even better because a therapist lets you talk through your problems, they offer you questions to really self evaluate yourself . Here people know that pain and offer their personal experiences with dealing and coping with that pain. I know I'm not nuts for keeping fur, feeling guilty, the what if's, ect. I know because everyone here has delt with or is still going through the same things as me. As for loneliness, your absolutly right. I think I'm experiencing something like empty nest syndrome. I grew up in a large family, I'm use to a lot of noise and chaos. Now there's only my husband and myself in our home and Max was like my child. With him gone it's just so empty. As for another pup or dog . I kind of go back and forth with that option. Take care Barb and thank you for all your help. Purrylady, thank you for the support. Max was part of my family and he will so always be a part of my heart. I never considered having a pet as a lifestyle. But it is, isn't it? What a interesting point of view. I'm happy for you that you get comfort and a feeling of closeness on the bench. I go outdoors to do yard chores, gardening, ect. At first that was hard but now I'm starting to enjoy it again. But I think the change in the weather is bothering me. Max got sick at the end of March and got worse through out April. Though then the temperature was getting warmer and now it's getting cooler it was about the same degrees. When he passed on I remember thinking at least he got to see the nice weather. Boy, the change of seasons are going to be hard. Thanks purrylady for your words of encouragement. Tonnie, I try to brave the night outdoors but there has been a bear in the area lately and I'm surrounded by tree's. It's not the dark that scares me but what could be hidding in it. Without my protector present it's kind of scary. He made me feel safe. As for life death experiences, Oh my god ! I too just had a very close encounter. A tractor trailor stopped dead in front of my husband and myself. He was turning and used no blinker. He shouldn't even of stopped were he did because there was a turning lane onside of us but the guy choose not to us it. We had to slam the brakes on and we came very close to colliding with his back end. We were in a small car so if we had hit him we would of been seriously injured or dead. We should of went back and got his license plate # and reported him. The guy could kill someone one day with his disregard for the law and the safety of others. Anyways, it does make you rethink about your life and appreciate it more. Tonnie , Tonnie, what in the world were you doing in a 20ft. apple tree. Couldn't you of just shaken it to get the apples to fall. Or were you rescuing one of your cats, that sounds more like it because I know that you are such a caring mommy. Thanks Tonnie for your words of wisdom and yes I agree we must change to adjust but it's just so hard. Sharon, The way that you describe Milo melts my heart. I've seen dogs that walk like that. They walk with such dignity and grace. You can't help but to stop and stare with complete awe. I understand by what you mean when a dog just speaks to you. That they are the one for you. I did have another dog once. After Max kidnapped a bunny and brought it home I felt that maybe he was lonely so I adopted a dog on a trial bases. Unfortunitly I interfered with the peeking order between her and Max. I wouldn't allow him to show any signs of dominance over her and in turn she became dominate over him. She was 2yrs. old and much smaller so I thought I had to protect her. But she was sheltered raised and little did I know she was a tough little cookie. Max personality changed and a could tell that he was unconfortable around her. She would nip at him and he wouldn't do anything about it because of me. Because of that he stayed away from her. In that two day period I did feel that bond with her and she was very affectional towards me. I was very sad when I had to give her up but my friend that rescued her originaly found her another home. So I know that I am capable of forming a bond with another dog other then Max. But right now I just can't open my heart and do so. I'm so happy you have Moose and that you had that instant bond. In time maybe I shall too. Last but certainly not least Thank you for sharing the story about the baby with your moms eyes. How touching that moment must of been for you. It must of been really hard for you to seperate yourself from her. Who knows? Anything is possible. We can only hope and believe that everyone and everything that we ever loved is happy where ever they are. Thank you Sharon and take care. Thanks to everyone K9pal

Oh, hon, you're not nuts for keeping fur! I've heard of people keeping all sorts of things. I have a collection of - believe it or not - bunny toenails - that I clipped before I took them to the crematorium. I've heard stories of keeping hairballs, not cleaning barf or urine stains - to this day I cherish the drool stains Magic left. When it's all we have left, it somehow isn't a stain, it's a remembrance of love, and nobody better ever touch my bunny nails! That's a part of my adjustment, one of many.

Let's see if I actually did it!

S

This description really touched me. I did the same thing with Sasha. She must have loved the night air as much as myself because she always took her time...just sniffing the air and strolling around the yard. She would stop here and there and just seemed to listen and take it all in. I would just sit and listen to her tags jingle. Every now and again she would be close enough that I could see her in the dim light and I would just watch her...never crossed my mind that it wouldn't be that way forever. Zada, my other dog, has never had the same appreciation for the outdoors. She thinks it is nothing more than a big toilet and wastes no time to come back in the house after she goes. I do sometimes still sit out there...alone...and just imagine her there. I listen for the jingle that never comes, and watch for her in the dim light that reveals nothing, but I still make that our time together. I think of her and only her and allow myself to cry. Sometimes I think that trying to avoid the pain in the beginning made it worse. I now allow myself to confront the things that bring me painful memories and I actually embrace them. It hurts so badly sometimes, but after a good cry, I feel so much better to have allowed myself to 'go there' and really let myself feel close to her through such special, personal memories of times shared between just her and me.
Like 5catsmom, I have always had other animals, so I have never been alone in the literal sense, however, when Sasha died I might as well have been. They weren't her and having them here with me gave me little comfort in that respect. Sasha and I did everything together....went everywhere together (Zada never cared to go...I usually had to beg her and even then she rarely lifted an eyebrow...boy were they total opposites!). It has been over 3 years now and I'm still adjusting when it comes to certain things. I still hate to be out at the barn at night..similiar to the safety thing with your Max...it just feels so wrong. She loved to go with me each and every time. She would mostly just lay out there in the sun while I did my chores, but at night she would always stay standing....looking....listening....my precious gaurdian, my loyal protector....now gone. It is such a long road....obviously longer for some than others....but in your own time things will become a little easier. Your 'new normal' will start to feel more routine as time passes and the adjustment to it just kinda falls into place. I know that it is a very personal decision when it comes to bringing a new furbaby into your heart, but I do truly hope that someday you will feel the need to love again and take that leap. There are so many wonderful furbabies out there (especially labs because of their popularity!) that are looking for loving homes and so few people like yourself that can offer such a safe and loving environment.

Barb, hmmmm....I have no idea who you could possibly be referring to here because I could never imagine anyone being that crazy

K9pal that close call with that tractor trailer truck....you were very lucky, that you talk about it here is because you realize that it was significant. About a month ago I was driving our truck on the highway and thinking of my Yukon as I usually do when I'm alone , the song that came on is not a familiar one(I'm 55) though I went on the net to check the lyrics, sometimes I think my cat dedicates songs to me, at least I am pretty sure he did for the Beatles song :Here there and everywhere. AS I was driving with the radio blasting, the song was saying:
"Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more (Carry on)
You will always remember
(Carry on)
Nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you
Carry on my wayward son, "
when suddenly the front wheel on the driver's side came off! and it took all my concentration and control to steer the truck to the side of the highway. Other drivers and the policeman said I was so lucky, the secret I like to share with you is that I think Yukon helped me do everything right as the music kept blasting in my ears until I was safely on the shoulder. :wub:lay your weary head to rest was rather bring that truck to the curb! As for the apple tree, they're Melba apples, big round red deep pink, the best in the world: when they fall on earth they are bruised.
Worth the risk

Well, I would never name names, since actually I'm guilty of this sort of behavior too, but I know for a fact that I'm not alone in it.

Silly girl, I was being sarcastic because I thought you were referring to me. I posted once about not wanting to get new flooring because I didn't want to have to part with the 'puke stains' that Sasha left behind....my mistake....but I am glad to know that I'm not the only one ....

Barb thanks, That's why this site is so helpful. All of us are in the same boat. There is complete understanding. Sharon, you did it! Milo is gorgeous. At first just half of the picture was down loaded and I could only see the top of his head and his eyes. It was like he was playing peek a boo. Now I see all of him. I love the lighter brown around his snoot and eyebrows. He's perfect. Kim R, Thank you for sharing your feelings. I think that we will all feel that love for our furbabies until eternity. They were just so special. Sasha and Zada totaly sound as if they were opposites. Sasha personality reminds me of my Max, Loving the outdoors and always right by my side. I got a chuckle out of your desciption of Zada what a character. The way you had to beg her to go with you. I can imagine her just sitting there looking at you like ya right as if I'm going to listen to you. As for my new normal it kind of stinks. It is so strange not having Max by my side. But, hopefully I will adjust and with that adjustment maybe a little joy will surface. Tonnie , I'm glad that you had made it safely to the side of the road and I hope you are enjoying your apples. . Take care everyone k9pal

You know, it occurs to me that as time goes on it's almost as though we get to know each other's pets almost as well as our own. For instance, I feel like I know Sasha's character so well (and not just because I had a Sasha dog as a teenager), and I get to feel so close to all these other pets through everyone's reminiscinces. It's always fascinating to hear the little quirks, the little funny things, the toys and treats and lovies, that these pets are so individual at giving. It shares them with everyone. In a way, I think it ensures to us that they go on, not just in our memories, but in other people's memories, as if to say "I'm here! I'm still here, for you and you and you, and if so-and-so liked my type so much, maybe you will find one of me as well somewhere who needs you."

I just think it's inspiring, and educational, and endearing, and sometimes heartbreaking, to hear about all these pets waiting for us. It doesn't really want me to leave earth faster, but I find, especially after suffering several years ago a life-threatening illness, that I'm really not that terrified of death either. As a nurse, I've seen death,and know that there are indeed worse things than death, believe it or not, but it doesn't give me that visceral fear it used to when I would sneak into an R-rated movie and watch one of those Halloween-type flicks. Ah, that's nothin'. My view of death now is much more gentle and will include reunions, so many of those. But I'm not in a hurry. I have plenty of reunions here around me to inspire me now.

Kim- -Actually, I thought you were referring to a whole group uf us, me included. I remember a long discussion about never getting new flooring or moving because our beloved pets had passed in this house and left so many remembrances behind. Since we're military, I fully intend there to be another move in the future, and I know I'm going to have to fight like the dickens to keep this house and rent it out, cause Heidi passed on this bed, Magic passed downstairs, Nana did too, and Ichi, and several of the ferals, so I can't imagine leaving. So once again I'll have to pull out my sword and Zena the Warrior Princess Costume (not that it's ever worked before), but I will not leave this house for good, and not cause I particularly like DC and all the political claptrap that goes on here. But -- there are barf stains, and a few urine stains, and those drool stains - priceless!! Take care - Barb

There's so much sense in what Barb just said-I shall put out a few quotes from her last post. I know I wont make as much sense to add this but here goes : we miss them, at moments we miss them terribly but there is no reason for us to 'hurry' to them, it's often been said that life is but an instant in eternity and I am sure that our pets are not missing us because they are already with us in their eternity, our lives were just an instant even if we grow to ripe old ages it is an instant to those who have already gone.
And maybe our pets are somewhere together talking about us in that same way! "Oh your mom and my mom are exactly the same, wait till you meet MY family blah blah blah "Maybe when we pass to the other side, we will say :Hey! I know you, you're K9pal's Max! You're one of Barb's kids, I know you, you belong to Sharon! Oh gosh, you are Kim R's Sacha, you are looking so great!!! etc...we will already know so many of them from this site, our circle has expanded for the better and we are already richer for it.
Perhaps I can write with this hope because my grief goes back to 10 months ago, if so, those of you who ache, know that you will come out of this, with the help of your dear departed, and you will be richer for it. Believe in your pet(s). Believe and expect the Magic to come! Be most gentle with yourselves as you tiptoe into this new world, first in your thoughts later with your soul.

Hi, K9Pal --

There's one thing I've done that has really helped me when I'm missing my little Lucy. I've taken to writing notes and letters to her. I had a personalized box made to put them in (on the top I've had written "To Lucy, I Love You And Miss You - Michelle"), inside the cover I put her picture, and when I'm missing her, I just write to her. Just like I would a dear friend, which she was and is. Sometimes they're just brief notes like "Dear Lucy, I'm just thinking about you. That's all." Other times, they're longer letters, just telling her things about what's going on in my life, or remembering things, or asking her what her Heaven is like. Just whatever comes to mind. And then I kiss what I've written and put it in her special box.

When I do that, she's with me. When I write about her on this site, she's with me. To me, writing about her makes her mark on the world. It says to everybody "Lucy Was Here And she was important, and loved, and she's missed. She had an impact."

Your words about Max have made an impact here. They say "Max Was Here. He was important, he was loved, and he's missed." And just doing that makes him still here, still important and, unfortunately, still missed.

But he's here, K9pal. And you can talk to him any time you want.

-- Michelle K.

Hi Everyone, this is an interesting topic, one I think all of us who lose are beloved babies thinks about. We have been without Hrudey boy since Christmas morning, it seems like a lifetime, hard to believe, we even have a new little baby golden, Auggie who we are so grateful to love and care for..but I still cry for my boy, no one can ever hold a place in my heart like him, no one, I miss him in a crazy way I can't even express...I obviously don't miss his suffering and pain and illness over the past year, so I have to try to be unselfish about that, but I of course have furballs, in fact on top of his ashes in his box is fur I had been saving..., in fact when we adopted our new baby, I have a little zip lock bag of his first fur balls from his brush, I missed the fur while we were without a pet, that sounds weird but true, I missed the warm smell known only to your buddy, I have a new warm puppy smell of Auggie, which I adore, I am weird like that too, but its not the same as my boys, I guess I am growing to accept and appreciate the differences between the two boys and they are immensely different, and I am glad for that, I don't want anything taking that part of my heart..., we moved to another state in the meantime and I feel in away that I left my boy behind, even tho I have his ashes/box, I still hate the newness of this home, and area without his being here, I know everyone says, they are still with you, I hope so, and think that sometimes, and other times I am not so sure...anyway, I really got off on a strange tangent, but I just wanted to say I understand your feelings and questions, I wish I had the answer too, if you find it out, let me know too....lots of love and support to you, and the website gang....Tory, Hrudey, Frank and Auggie's Momma

My buddy, I know what you mean by missing the fur. I use to have to clean so much, otherwise there would of been a mountain of fur. I can honestly say that it was a pain in the butt. But know I would do anything to have it all back. If I could only have it back I would never complain about it again and I would love to have it all over my house and on my clothing. I know what you mean about the scent. It's strange but I can't actually remember the scent. If I smelt it again I would know it, but there's nothing else in the world that smells exactly the same as it. Do you know what I mean? As for your new home I hope that in time you will find some comfort in it. I'm sorry it must of been hard for you to leave a piece of your boy behind. I'm happy that you have a new puppy, Auggie what a cute name. I wish you all the joy and happiness with him. Take care . Michelle, Thank you for sharing your way of rememberance for Lucy. I do the same thing often. Mine usally starts with Max do you remember when ... Also, I thank you for your kind words and support. I wish you well. Tonnie, I love the idea of all of them together. Being that they were all spoiled in life the only disagreement that they probably would ever have is ."No my mommy loved me more , no my daddy loved me more. Thanks for the smile. Barb, It is nice getting to know everyone's beloved pets and their personalities. Your suggestion that we ensure that our babies go on in ourselves and others memories got me to think. Is that what we are doing subconsciously? We don't want to accept the fact that their gone. Not in our minds but in our hearts. We miss them so much and are unwilling to let them go so we hold on to them as much as possible by posting. I know at first I came here out of hurt, pain, and guilt. But now I believe that I understand those emotions yet I still keep comming here. I sometimes would ask myself why am I so obsessive with this site. Is it because I'm obsessing in keeping Max alive? Or am I filling that void in my life with Max being gone and seeking companionship from others like myself? Or both? Can everyone reading this please....&%^yze and comment on these questions Thanks and take care k9pal.

k9pal,
I don't think it's an obsession, really, I see it more as a way of adjusting to a traumatic incident in your life. Obviously there are still questions and a sense of understanding you need to come to grips with,but since you first started posting I see a growth of understanding, even if you don't. Your willingness to open up and hear what other people share is really a rare trait, and I don't see it as an obsession at all. For me, I lost Magic around Christmas 2005 and Groucho in summer 2006, and I still come here. I don't see it as an obsession, I see it as a way to maybe find a post from someone who is still in that initial shock and pain and unable to come to grips with a loss. Since it had a life-changing effect on me, I try to help other people since I know how easy it is to be lost in the grief. I remember those brief moments when I felt that Heidi had passed and couldn't possibly get along without me, and if it weren't for my family, I'd have to go along and help her through as I had all her life. But there must be people out there who don't have that kind of support, and I completely understand that.

Sometimes, as in your case, I think you still have some questions, but you also have that gift of giving comfort to people who are suffering. Don't ever minimize that, it's a real gift that few people really have. I daresay Max would be so proud to know he left that kind of love in your heart, so cherish it, it may even come from Max, who knows? Just a thought. Anyway, for now, take care - Barb

Barb, Thank you so... much for your kind words. Today of all days I really needed something to make me feel a little better. Your words of kindness did that. I don't know why or what prompt me to go and revisted my first post, but I did. Now my mind is set back to that dreadful day. Those last special moments that I had with Max. I thought I was stronge enough to handle it but I'm not. He is gone because of my ignorance at the time about his cancer. So now I'm back at blaming myself, and disliking the vets. I honestly feel that they were negligent in dignosing his cancer. Time is the out most important factor in fighting cancer and by time he was dignosed it was to late. I'm sorry I know all of you have heard this before from me. But, I can't help it. I shouldn't of went back in time it can not be changed. From now on I'm going to concentrate on moving forward.. Sorry for ranting. I suppose that I just had to get rid of some of the negative energy. I'm going to reread your words Barb so I feel a little better. Thank you k9pal

k9pal,
We all do that, though, go back over those first days or nights of diagnosis or treatment or the suddenness of the end - or beginning of the new phase, who knows? - of our pet's life. I can still feel the unbelievable punch in the gut when I found Magic and Groucho, and knew I couldn't do anything anymore. And when Heidi was diagnosed and the vet said that it was a lifelong meaning terminal illness, I just couldn't understand or believe it. She prescribed a human med, which I tried everywhere to find, and couldn't, and I was so furious and frustrated, and at the end of the day of looking all over for it, knew Heidi couldn't go on and I'd have to let her go next day. By the grace of God she left by herself that night, right beside me in bed, with me holding her and easing her over, telling her it was okay and I'd see her again, she didn't have to suffer anymore. I still tear up thinking about it, and it's been 5 1/2 years. Sometimes it's good to go back and remember those times, kind of a catharsis, but I also believe it's good to remember the lessons Heidi taught me, in the 17 years we had together, and over time I've come to focus more on those lessons. Besides, I really believe Heidi still visits, and I know my 5 cats now have benefitted from my having had the love of Heidi. I learned so much about life from her.

I don't mean to ramble, I just want to reassure you that it's normal to go back, especially at first, to those first moments and days afterward. It's normal to be angry. I've been furious with vets, I've left vets who I feel have mishandled treatment, especially of one of my bunnies, if you can believe that. But you didn't do anything wrong, you are not responsible, it is not your fault. Guilt and grief can be best friends, but they're a vicious combination and take a nasty toll. Don't let it pull you under.

In the end, I want to just emphasize that I really think you had such a close bond wth Max that it's absolutely normal to grieve deeply now that he's not physically here with you. But in grieving, you learn, and in learning, you can share what you've learned. In life, you'll come across people who need comfort from their pain and grief, and it's a rare gift to be able to empathize with that. I really think that people who've grieved deeply have that capacity to comfort, and again, Max may have sent you that capacity, who knows? At any rate, he's with you, always will be, and in no way will his spirit ever leave your soul. That is something I truly believe. Please take care, and let us know how you're doing - Barb

Dear k9pal,

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. It's hard to go back and look, but sometimes it's impossible not to.

I sometimes read Milo's obituary still - just to connect with him, and yeah, to have a good cry. I get tremendous comfort from reading the words that were used to describe him. He was that and more, like your sweet Max.

And I love to reminice (sp?) with my daughter about him too, (though that can surely open the floodgates). She had a totally different experience and relationship with him and those conversations add a dimension that's new to me. (She used to sing him dog songs, he would go from sitting on the floor next to her with his head in her lap to sitting ON her, with his big head and those soulful eyes inches from her nose)!

Please steer yourself from any blame on your part. You acted in his best interest with the information you were given. I know it's hard to keep that in perspective - they are our responsibility and we take that very seriously. Who knows, it could have been that even if the vet had done a better job, and given you better information and a course of tereatment, it very well may have also had less than perfect results. You could have saved him from suffering by the way things unfolded.

Take Care, friend

Hi all, I found this poem by Martin Scot Kosinsand thought it was worth passing on:


If you ever love an animal, there are three days in your life you will
always remember.

The first is a day blessed with happiness, when you bring home your new
young friend.

You may have spent weeks deciding on a breed. You may have asked
numerous opinions of many vets, or done long research in finding a
breeder. Or, perhaps in a fleeting moment, you may have just chosen
that silly looking mutt in a shelter - simply because something in its
eyes reached your heart.

But when you bring that chose pet home, and watch it explore and claim
its special place in your hall or front room - and when you feel it
brush against you for the first time - it instills a feeling of pure
love you will carry with you through many years to come.

The second day will occur eight or nine or ten years later.
It will be a day like any other. Routine and unexceptional. But, for a
surprising instant, you will look at your longtime friend and see age
where you once saw youth.

You will see slow deliberate steps where you once saw energy.
And you will see sleep where you once saw activity.
So you will begin to adjust your friend's diet - and you may add a pill
or two to her food.

And you may feel a growing fear deep within yourself, which bodes of a
coming emptiness.

And you will feel this uneasy feeling, on and off, until the third day
finally arrives.

And on this day - if your friend and God have not decided for you, then
you will be faced with making a decision of your own - on behalf of your
lifelong friend, and with the guidance of your own deepest Spirit.
But whichever way your friend eventually leaves you-you will feel as
alone as a single star in the dark night sky.

If you are wise, you will let the tears flow as freely and as often as
they must. And if you are typical, you will find that not many in your
circle of family or human friends will be able to understand your grief,
or comfort you.

But if you are true to the love of your pet you cherished through the
many joy filled years, you may find that a soul-a bit smaller in size
than your own-seems to walk with you, at times, during the lonely days
to come.

And at that moment when you least expect anything out of the ordinary to
happen, you may feel something brush against your leg-very, very
lightly.

And looking down at the place where your dear, perhaps dearest friend
used to lay-you will remember those three significant days.

The memory will most likely be painful, and leave an ache in your heart.
As time passes the ache will come and go as if it has a life of its own.
You will both reject it and embrace it, and it may confuse you.

If you reject it, it will depress you.
If you embrace it, it will deepen you.
Either way, it will still be an ache.

But there will be, I assure you, a forth day when-along with the memory
of your pet-and piercing through the heaviness in your heart-there will
come a realization that belongs only to you.

It will be as unique and strong as our relationship with each animal we
have loved and lost.

This realization takes the form of a Living Love

Like the heavenly scent of a rose that remains after the petals have
wilted, this Love will remain and grow-and be there for us to remember.
It is a Love we have earned.

It is the legacy our pets leave us when they go.
And it is a gift we may keep with us as long as we live.
It is a Love which is ours alone.

And until we ourselves leave, perhaps to join our Beloved Pets-
It is a Love that we will always possess.

Martin Scot Kosins

That was a very touching piece, Toonie. It mad me cry and feel a little depressed, but it was so true.

John B

Toonie-
Thank you for this, it is beautiful, and moving and so true. Take care - Barb

Thanks Barb for your insight and being there and John I hope you were able to find nice moments after that cry, I often think of you and Sadie, I'm still close to where you are and some days I need to cry it out, but as the poem said: In a way, our grief cements that bond, makes it a part of us and keeps us strongly linked until we are at the same place. I love you all, because of your loves, like mine. Have a bright beautiful day.

Hi Toonie:

Thank you so much for posting that beautiful poem ! His words ring very true in my heart.

I searched 'Martin Scot Kosins' & saw that he has a book out - "Maya's First Rose - Diary of a very special love". It looks like something I'd like to read.

Thanks again Toonie.

Wishing you much peace, love & happiness,

Denise

All of us on this forum have lost so much with our babies' deaths, some recent, some a year or more. The void left by that one's passing is still wide open, though not as yawning an abyss as it once was for me. Time has helped heal the chasm after Precious died (06 August 2006) but now that I have three other babies to chase after (Patches, Tiger and Princey) I still miss my baby but the others seem to help speed the healing, though I know a scar will never form. I love them but Precious was Number One and always will be.
I hope all of you are still looking for signs -- I saw an earlier post in this thread where a song helped! They always do. Funny thing, though...the beige, white and black dragonfly that appeared to me the day Precious died hasn't been back so I suppose that was a one-time appearance. I'm looking forward to something happening tonight or tomorrow, because it will be the twentieth anniversary that Precious, at thirty-one days old, adopted his Mummy!! (He was born on 03 August 1987 and the adoption day was 04 September 1987.) I already experienced something last night: I woke this morning and the other pillow ("his" pillow) was at my back, the way he used to wake me up in the morning!! It was a welcome blast from the past but was so wonderful because he was letting me know in advance about the anniversary, God bless him!! He's still communicating and that is truly a miracle and a blessing!!
Lisa

Lisa this is great! Love conquers all, even time and space

Thanks everyone for sharing your inner most intimate feelings and memories about your beloved friends. I wish that every person on this earth was able to open their hearts up and welcome into their lives a special friend such as each of us here has done. The world would definitely be a more peaceful and loving place. Tonnie that poem is absolutley wonderful. It wasn't just a poem, it's like a do%%entary about our lives. Thank you all, and take care k9pal