Hi all,

This is my first time in this forum. I was looking for information on greiving and I found you all. My beloved Pookee died last Saturday. I can't remember the name of the type of cancer she had, but it was vaccine induced. See, that's the part that kills me. I had no idea that 1 out of 10,000 pets are diagnosed with cancer caused by their vaccines. Here I thought I was doing everything correct, especially since she was my very first pet, she came into my life when I was 26 years old and has been my companion for 10 years. I can't help but to feel a bit guilty. I'm really having a hard time dealing with her death, I'm not sleeping well (left side of my bed is empty), not eating well and having a hard time concentrating here at work. Yesterday I picked up her ashes and took her home, I have to admit that it gave me some closure. Any advise from you all would be appriciated.

Diane

I'm so sorry for your loss. My cat, Babe, has cancer - but not vaccine related. I know how hard it is for you. Please know you can come here for support. We all know how you feel.

I am very sorry for your loss. I too had a wonderful companion for 10 years from cancer that I suspect was Vaccine induced. If I were to offer any advice it would be to let yourself grieve, don't hold nothing back. I know it is probably hard to talk about it with people around you because most probably don't "get it." But that is what this place is for... we all "get it."

When you feel up to it, tell us the story about how you and your girl found each other and some of the best memories of your times together... it helps

Hi Diane,
I'm so sorry that you lost Pookie. It sucks that it was vaccine induced. Please don't blame yourself. You did everything you knew to do for Pookie.

Pookie is so beautiful! Of course you are going to have a hard time for awhile. You have lost a big part of yourself. Every part of you just wants Pookie back. It's very natural that this is affecting your sleeping anf eating.

All you can do now is let it all out in whatever way you have to...crying, screaming, wailing...whatever it takes.

Take care
John B

Dear Diane, you are in the right place for your broken heart. Pookie
will always be close to you, but when we can't hold them or feel them sleeping with us at night our whole world is changed and the adaptation is very difficult. I too had a real hard time sleeping, would tend to stay up until I was exhausted so that I would be able to fall asleep when I crashed. I spent many many nights up at this site, reading other's stories, relating to them and crying because this had to be gotten through. It was the only way I could face the loss of my soulmate and his brother. Gradually things will get better, believe it even if you wonder if they will right now. I have grieved so much but now I am finally starting to feel that they are perhps still here with me, in very subtle ways, and that is a comfort, that and
taking care of other cats that I will never own.

Diane,

I know just how you are feeling. I lost my Othello 4 weeks ago and I still don't have the results of his necropsy back, so I don't know what was wrong. I got him vaccinated as a kitten, but never updated them because he was in indoor cat and I thought he wasn't at risk. Now I'm beating myself up thinking that he might have had something that could have been prevented with a vaccine. We all do the best we can the information we have at the time. You were doing a responsible and loving thing by trying to protect Pookee by getting her vaccinated, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Instead, focus on the special memories you have with Pookee. Othello was my first cat too, and we had a special relationship that I never want to forget. I always try to remember all the funny and cute things he did and tell stories about him to my husband when I'm feeling really sad. I'm also making him a little scrapbook and that's helping too. Come here and talk anytime - it helps to talk to others!

Gina

Thank you all for your kind words. It is so nice to be around people that know exactly what I'm feeling.
Today is day 5.....and I'm having a bad day today, I keep asking myself if putting her to sleep was the right thing. And I have to remind myself, that she stopped eating for 2 whole days, couldn't take more than 3 steps, went from 12 pounds to 5 pounds, manually had to help her poop last Thursday night and she wasn't sleeping anymore, she wouldn't completely close her eyes. And I can't help to wonder if she hates me right now for what I did. I'm tormenting myself... everyone tells me that I did the right thing, and yeah I'm getting validations from everyone, but I wish I could know what Pookee thinks.... I can't stop crying!

It's tough, we all know it is... The questions you ask yourself are normal... we all do it...

Know in your heart that your baby is no longer suffering and she loves you and knows that what you did for her was out of pure love.

That's so right about asking ourselves questions concerning our pet's death. Id almost convinced myself that Neo was perfectly healthy when he was put to sleep!!!! The fact is he was terribly ill. I wish I knew for sure what the illness was though. I sure miss the little bloke. He's been gone nearly six weeks now bless him.

Thanks guys,

I also convinced myself that Pookee was ok not in terrible pain and she was just a bit uncomfortable. I had to wake up and realize that she was in a lot of pain.
Throughout the last 4 months of her life I took a lot of pictures of her, as I was sorting the pic’s out by each month, I noticed that July was a very difficult month for her. It dawned to me today that Pookee was hanging on for my sake. I would fall onto my knees and beg God not to take her away from me, she felt my anguish, my pain.
Today Saturday at 1:23 pm PST my beloved Pookee has been gone for 7 days. I’ve never been apart from her longer than 2 weeks at a time, and now we’ll be apart for decades. How can I deal with that? I have to remind myself to breath, and remind myself that she’s in a better place. I feel so numb, helpless and frustrated.

Diane

Diane, I have been where you are at right now, all I can tell you is that it will get better with time. We miss them so much, this separation tears us apart, it really does.Know that Pookie is still with you, you just have to learn to love her on another level. Tell her you do, talk to her and see if you don't feel her vibes, you probably will. Someone once said here that each day is a day closer to when you will be reunited. That at least is a positive thought. Courage and take care, it is a dramatic event in your life and we all know what you are going through.

Hello Diane.

I am sorry for your loss. There is no easy way to lose a beloved pet, and the void must be so painful. You say that you feel guilty, Diane, and I beg you not to feel this way. You did NOTHING wrong. In fact, you did what you thought was the best thing for your kitten. Your doctor recommended vaccinations to protect your cat, and you followed hs/her advice.

Diane, there are risks to many decisions. Anytime a person or animal takes medication, goes for surgery, gets vaccinated, there is a risk. When I had to have surgery, there was a risk of complications from anaesthesia. A colonoscopy can result in a perforated colon, but can also detect pre-cancer. When I let my cat, Bennett outside to smell the flowers and walk in the woods, I am taking a risk (you can read my story on the "Lost Missing" forum..... . If you DON'T vaccinate, you are also taking a risk. I understand the frustration of the situation, but you can not feel guilty when you made a decision to do what you were told was what you needed to do as a good pet owner.

You also wrote that you are questioning your decision to put her to sleep. Diane, from what you described, you did the humane thing. What does Pookie think? She thinks you were a wonderful mother, and she is thankful that you put her out of her misery and let her gently go to sleep.

I know you miss her, sweetheart.

Hi Diane, I'm so sorry for your loss. Bue was diagnosed Tues afternoon on the 7th of Aug, he died Weds morning. I know exactly how you feel, I'm holding back tears right now. What helps me to get through is remembering the good times with your baby.
Perhaps it would help if you posted a funny little story about Pookee. I have not done it with Bue yet, but my beloved Twubbles has been gone for 10yrs, I posted a story about him today.

There was nothing you could have done better, sometimes bad things happen, and you have no control over it. Your girl loved you, and you loved her. You gave her an excellent home, and you took care of her.

The people here are wonderful, and they really care.

Hi Diane, Iam so sorry to hear about your Pookeegirl. My Buddy left me 3 weeks ago, Iam sorry i didn't have the strength and courage that you did. We tried to save Buddy and he suffered waiting to go back to the vet for more tests. Iam proud of you for doing the right thing for Pookee and you should be proud of your self. What a great friend and companion you were to her. Pookee thinks you were the greatest thing in her life. She is grateful to have someone in her life with courage and compassion.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The numbness is natural and will be replaced with happy memories - in time. Your baby knew how much love you had and always trusted you to do the right thing. And the right thing you did, because you had your baby's best interests at heart. It takes time to understand, don't try to rationalise it, think of the happy times and console yourself in the knowledge that your baby is now in better place and is healthy. She'll thank you for that. *** to you.

I've noticed that I'm using this post more like a journal. Write down how I feel, which I hope you guys don't mind. Today is day 10, and I'm really pissed off today. I'm ticked off that Pookee got cancer and died just one year after my dad died of cancer. I'm pissed off that my vet didn't diagnosed it back in November when I insisted that I felt a small eraser size bump. And most of all I'm pissed off that I'm forced to get use to the fact that she's no longer physcially with me, just a memory.