After the K9 Search dog findings today (see Lost and Missing forum), I had a funeral for Twitchit this afternoon. I hurt. I dug a hole very near where he was killed. First I laid down fresh catnip from my garden, which he loved to chew. Then I placed a hollyhock bloom, to represent how beautiful he was. The photographer in me is just grieving the loss of not being able to take more gorgeous portraits of him. Then I added some feathers of the bird he had killed. There were down and wing feathers of a bluejay right at the spot the dogs were smelling Twitch's death scent. The K9 dog fellow felt that Twitchit had caught a bluejay, and the fluttering commotion may be what attracted the predator's attention. I added some of his fur that I pulled off his cat door and the bedspread where he slept. Last I placed a bloom from a smoke bush, both as an ephemeral symbol of his body that was not present, and also as a connection to my dad, who loved smoke bush. After I buried these things, I placed a circle of rocks over the top as his headstone. I may add something later, but for now that will do. And I hung a green glass ornament on a branch above. This is the fourth kitty I've buried in 5 years, and each has their own green/blue glass ornament above their graves. When I move to my dad's house, I'll bring the ornaments over, so I have a symbol for each of them to honor their memory.

When I came inside, Rohan and Luna greeted me. I held up another fluff of his fur for them to smell, and they both got really excited/interested. Luna especially sniffed the fur, then saw me crying and gently sniffed my face. I could just see her puzzling it out, putting two and two together. Then I gave them each a piece of the catnip, so they could partake in honoring him. I taped some of the fur in my journal, and saved the super-soft clump of belly fur so I can touch it later, placing it in the velvet box that holds the bronze heart that holds some of my mom's and dad's ashes.

I needed this ending, this resolution. With the last of my hope released to the wind, it hurts all over again.

Kimberly, I am so sorry to hear about Twitchit. I'm sorry that you have to grieve now after what you've been through. It's at least good to hear that it sounds like he was taken right while caught a bird, something he must have really enjoyed doing. So his last memory is a happy one. He was so lucky to have someone like you to take care of him after your father passed away. I'm glad that you were finally able to get some resolution, though, and to honor his memory.

Dear Kimberly,
I was touched with all the beauty to be found in this post. There is even beauty in Twitchit's last moments, that he would have gone in this way surprised himself after catching a bird, likely he was taken in an instant and it was at the height of his good living, I do think your dad swooped him up from there, and why he did that is because he knows that this will be a turning point in your life and he knows it is good.
It's beautiful how you decided to mark his grave, how you were led to what spot his last moments were on, it is all so fitting that it must be the truth. Funny, but yesterday I thought of you, of the fact that the searchers would be going over your place for a sign of Twitchit. I was close to my cat's grave as I often like to retreat there to meditate.I was sitting with my back leaning against a tree looking upwards for a second: way up another tree, about 35 feet up, I saw a raccon, nested up there. He was sleeping in the heat of the afternoon, his arm stretched out towards the earth. They live so close to us, we don't realize it.
I thought about some time ago this spring coming upon their grave one morning and some animal had dug a hole, about the size of a tennis ball. I froze when I saw that, I wondered if the animal had gone to get my cats or part of them(sorry for the details) then it occured to me if that had been the case, it didn't matter, it didn't matter at all. The animal who would have partaken of this would have just done what had already happened in spirit. Made it so that my cats were not just there, but here, there and everywhere, all around us, in one form or another. The spirit is all that matters and the spirit, Twitchit's spirit, and your dad's spirit are now with you all the time. May your life treat you royally! You are simply beautiful as you make magic for those around you. May you be blessed by all those around you. Take care, there are good good things out there waiting for you.

Hi Kimberly,
Sometimes it's so hard to find words for something that's so beautiful and meaningful to read. This is one of those times. I wish I knew what and how to say it; I just don't. (It would end up being 80 pages long, anyway.)

You and Twitch and your story have touched my life in a way I won't forget. I hope through this board we can occasionally "see" and talk to one another - your wisdom and ability to help others through their grief and pain is a priceless gift that I think comes to you through your priceless gifts, your beautiful cats and your special Dad. To you and Mink and your Dad and Twitch, blessings.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve every bit - Barb

P.S. Will you take that vacation now? And Iowa's not that bad, really, once you get past the cows.

Thank you so much, it's been really helpful to hear your words. Such a long, drawn out rollercoaster this has been: up down up down. Today I'm supposed to be doing housework, and I haven't yet really made it out of bed. (The bed is made, but I'm lying on top with a coverlet over me.) (I live in the Pacific Northwest, and the weather that is making the rest of y'all bake leaves us cool and cloudy.) I haven't got a stick of energy. I keep thinking I'm doing okay, then more tears roll out of me.

Toonie, I was really touched by your words, and how I couldn't find "my" raccoon, so you did it for me. Barb, I've always looked forward to your posts, you've been a comfort for me more than I can express. To L-S, thanks for letting me post so many pictures in the last couple days. I kept half-expecting a private post admonishing me for being so greedy with file space. Last night I cut and pasted my posts to a Word file so I can print them for my journal, a record of my journey in losing Twitch, and it came to *16 pages.* And that's just the material I posted, not the replies! I am indebted to Lightning-Strike. (A donation will be forthcoming, once I get past the K9 fee.)

It's funny, I thought that most of the grief was behind me, but I'm so weebly today. My eyes, my nose, and my heart are all leaking.

Mink & Willows Mom


It's not so funny, you are feeling the loss all over again. You did a beautiful funeral for Twitchit and let him go. Now you have to grieve. We all think we are putting it behind us, then something brings it back up. I spent most of today in tears over my lost boy. Moose has been gone 9 months. We have a few good days and think, "well I'm over the worst part", but it's not true. Most of the time things are better for me. I don't cry everyday anymore, but I miss him so, so much.

Thank you for sharing all the beautiful pictures of Twitchit you have, you shared a part of him with us.

Love

I remember one day I was folding clothes on the bed and I happened to glance at the dresser mirror where I had a photo of Magic. She had passed roughly 1 1/2 yrs before, and I just looked at it for a second and then found myself sobbing as though she'd left yesterday. I'm not sure the roller coaster ever ends, it just slows and sometimes evens out, but there are still bumps.

I do happen to believe - I know a lot of folks don't but I do - that the spirit of my departed ones visit on occasion. More than once I've seen one or more of my cats stop suddenly in whatever they're doing, and stare into the corner of my bedroom at the ceiling by the door. It's uncanny; I know they see something, I know them too well. We in the family have come to accept that it's "Floating Heidi" and that she drops by whenever she feels like it. It's a comforting thought, to know that in some way my babies are here when they want to be. (She passed in this room, so it makes sense.) I also believe - and again I know some people don't - that one day we will all be reunited. Of course it doesn't help the present grief much, that is a hurt that has to work itself through in it's own time. And it will be it's own time - there are no rules or time limits. I used to think there were, and wondered what was wrong with me, but slowly came to realize that grief has it's own clock. What works for you, whatever gets you through, (barring self-destructive or homocidal behavior, which goes without saying, I think) is the right thing. You'll make it. At first you think you won't, and it's an effort to think you can or will - but you will. Your Dad and Twitch know that too. You're strong and you're special - you'll heal. Take care of yourself in the meantime and be good to yourself since you deserve it - Barb

And Moose Mom - my sympathies for your sad day. I know how it hurts, and I'm sorry. Take care - Barb

Hugs Twitchit , I'm glad you had the funeral so you could begin the closure process. Hopefully this will help you deal with your babies disappearance. I just had to say that your cat is one of the most goergeous cats I have seen in my life. That cat is just magnificant, your a lucky mom to have shared his life. Just remember that's what counts.

Dear Kimberly,

I am so sorry that it has come to this for you. Despite all this sadness, you should be so very proud of the way you have cared for him, while he was with you and in his absence.

I love the respectful and insightful way you chose to honor that beautiful boy.

I hope the hurt will transform soon, as Twitchit did, and become something else. It seems you are not so far removed from the pulse and the magic of life.

Take care of yourself, Kimberly

Sharon