It's been almost a month (late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning of next week will be the month mark) since my wonderful boy Othello had to be euthanised. We're still waiting on the results of the necropsy and I'm going mad with wondering if I did the right thing. I had been getting better. I still cried sometimes, but overall I felt like I could face life. Then we brought a new cat home on Wednesday night, and I've been falling apart ever since. A friend of my mother's brought this cat home from the shelter where she worked because they were going to euthanise him because he's older and they can't adopt him out because everyone just wants kittens. We felt bad and we thought Othello's remaining sister, Desdemona, needed a companion. She's never been without Othello and she's seemed so lonely since he's been gone. She cries at us all the time. We wanted to wait until Othello's necropsy came back, but this friend of my mother's couldn't keep the new cat anymore, so we had to take him Wednesday night. I thought our house felt empty because my rambunctious boy was gone, but now that there's another cat, it just feels so wrong. It feels like there's an intruder, and Desdemona is so nervous. I tried to pick her up and she hissed at me. Her being nervous is killing me, and the new cat being here is making me ache with grief over missing Othello. I don't want a new cat. I want Othello back. I can't accept that he's never coming back. I was waiting for a call from the vet about Desdemona (we had to get some testing done to make sure all was ok for the new cat) and I kept imagining that I was waiting on the call about Othello to tell us that he was okay and he would be able to finally come home. I'm crying at work as I type this. I feel just as grief stricken as the day he died, and it hasn't been this bad after that first week. I don't know what to do. I truly feel like life isn't worth living without him and I just want this new cat gone. I know I made a commitment when I said I'd take him, so I'm just going to have to learn to love him, but it's so hard. I keep hoping someone will come to visit us and say they love him and want to take him home so I can just get rid of him. He's a nice cat and I've been treating him well, but when I think about going home and seeing him I get sick and I feel panicked at the thought of never seeing Othello again. If anyone has any advice for getting over this, I would appreciate it. Also, any advice for introducing cats is appreciated. We have a Feliway diffuser and we've been keeping them in separate rooms with plans to switch them when they're both feeling more comfortable, but Desdemona is so stressed that it's breaking my heart.

Sibilance7, Sorry I have no advice on introducing cats but you sound so upset I thought that I had to reply and at least offer you some support. I know how hard this time of grief is for you and I understand the feelings that you have for your new cat. I so want to get another dog but I feel as if I did I would expect it to be like my deceased Max. That know other dog would ever replace him and if I got one then I would feel guilty as if I'm trying to replace him. I feel like how you feel. What your feeling is normal so don't beat yourself up about it. You are grieving for Orthello and it is going to take you a while to heal. I feel as if you were not ready for a new cat, but you have such a big kind heart that you felt compeled to save it. You are a good person even during your greatest time of grief you still reached out to another. You did a good thing just try and take it slow and don't expect to much with the new cat . I'm sure in time all of you will adjust and form a bond. Take care and keep posting. K9pal

Oooo, you sound stressed --- ((((hugs)))). I'm struck by how cornered you felt in adopting this particular cat on somebody else's schedule. You might consider relocating him to a home that's a better fit. After Mink died I went to the Kitten Rescue and was enchanted with a pair of Siamese boys. I loved watching the bond between them. I brought them home for a trial run (this no-kill cat shelter is very supportive of 'right cat, right home'). As SOON as they were in the door, I knew it was a mistake. Everything about these lovely boys in my home felt WRONG. It wasn't them, it wasn't me, it wasn't Willow, it was just the chemistry between everybody. I took them back the next morning. I felt all kinds of guilt, despite the shelter's reassurance that it was fine. They knew I was committed to bringing two kitties home, and they didn't care which two, just that it was a good fit.

What I'm saying is, be patient with yourself, but trust your gut also. It sounds like you agreed to take THIS cat at THIS time to make someone else happy. Changing the course of that decision IS OKAY if you want to do it. Obviously you'll make sure he's safely cared for until he finds his right place in the world, either at your home, with another foster parent, or PAWS /some other no-kill shelter. It's a fully loving act to make sure he's going to be in a home where he shines from being utterly adored. If that's not in your home, then helping him migrate to the home where he will be the apple of someone's eye is a compassionate gift you can offer him. Chemistry is important, listen to your heart here. That quiet still voice in your gut knows the truth of the matter.

And if that still, quiet voice says this new kitty will eventually be a loving addition to the harmony in your home, that's okay too. He deserves to be where he will be unabashedly adored, as Othello was.

As for introducing cats, keeping the new one separated in a smaller space, letting Desdemona have most of the run of the house. Don't let the new one out until Desdemona has approached the door and done a lot of under-the-door sniffing. It might take a couple of weeks or more.

And again, trust your gut, and IT'S OKAY if you need to change plans. If you're just a stepping stone on his way to be with his right family, that's okay. Keep talking here too. ~Kimberly

Hello Sibliance.

I can understand that you must be going through a lot of confusing emotions. I hope the test results gives some closure.

When my cat, Bennett, was gone (missing), I was grief stricken and started to go to shelters to look for him, and also toyed with the idea of taking a cat home to fill the gap. I've read many other people have similar reactions when a pet is gone. I despeartely needed a cat, any cat, there, to fill the space for Bennett. I did not end up taking one home, but I am sure if I had I would have been disappointed. Other people on this board who have lost a pet usually wait a long period to mourn the loss, and then begin a new relationship with another animal. Even then, there is a bit of guilt and comparing going on. In your case, you took in another cat because you felt bad for the cat (I know, I hate seeing the poor things in the shelter!) and you and your other cat are still very fresh in losing Othello. Don't feel forced to have to love this cat; you are doing a great thing by taking care of it for the time being. Just try to think of this cat as a rescue cat, not as a replacement.

I wish I knew what to say to help you.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I came home last night and, after initially freaking out and crying for a while, I spent some time with each cat and felt a little better. I think I can learn to love this new cat. I've committed to giving it at least a week before I decide anything. Kimberly, your post really helped me. I had been feeling extremely guilty about being unsure about this cat, but your advice helped me realize that he deserves to have the best home possible, and if I really feel like I can't give him that after giving it an honest try, it's okay to help him find it. My husband really loves this cat, though, so i think we'll end up keeping him. Othello was my cat and Desdemona was my husband's, so the new cat was supposed to be for me. But I've developed a strong bond with Desdemona over the past few weeks because I feel like we've been grieving together and she's even taken on some of his character traits since he's been gone. She's my remaining connection to him, and I think we'll end up being very close, while my husband will bond with the new cat. We'll see how it goes. Thank you again for all your words of advice.

Sometimes just recognizing that you DO have a choice makes it easier to accept either option. Glad to hear the ease in your voice.

It's like going back in time listening to your story,Sibilance7. When I lost my 17-year-old cat Heidi, who I'd raised from a kitten, in 2001, I was so devastated that I almost immediately went out and got another cat, Shadow. Well, I wanted another Heidi, MY cat, and she bonded strongly with my son Kevin, and I was so disappointed and hurt that I went out and got yet another cat, Kimi, one of my Norwegian Forest Cats, and she's been my baby. So, my husband, who felt overwhelmed by cats by this time (little did he know we'd end up with 5 in the long run, more if I can help it), tried to convince Kevin that we needed to find Shadow a good home with the no-kill shelter people who'd had her, and she'd be fine and find a good place. Kevin was heartbroken, crying and saying Shadow was there first, Kimi was the one who should leave, and this was so unusual coming from Kevin (who never cries) that we said fine, if you want to keep her and take care of her in your room, play with her, feed her, keep and change her litter box, you can do that. Well, through the years all the cats came together and got along with a few spats here and there, and of course the recent runaway issue with Shadow affected the whole family, but in the end, she's found her place even though she wasn't the perfect cat at the time and we never thought she would be. For Kevin, she was perfect, as the new cat may be for your husband, and as Desdemona (I love those names, by the way) may be becoming for you. Sometimes the things we expect to happen never do happen the way we think they will, or should.

I don't know if this helps; it's just what our experience has been. And I'm deeply sympathetic to your grief, I've been there and know I will be there again, and will be back here again. My best wishes and blessings to all of you, and take care - Barb