I'm concerned about Willow. I suppose I could post this on the Sickness thread, but I really think this is more about me, and my fears/coping after losing two cats in the past year, and y'all know me on this thread already with my loss of Twitchit, so I'd like your continued support here.

Poor Will has had so much change to deal with. He's four, neutered, mostly indoor. From the start, he's always been fearful, cautious, retreating to the laundry room or under the bed at any guest in the house or other sudden event. Fortunately he's always let me soothe him and responds with great purrs and smiling. He doesn't get in my lap often, but when he does, he turns to taffy.

Last year, we lost his brother suddenly, hit by a car. (They were littermates, so they'd known each other longer than they'd known me.) The loss just crushed me. Will saw Mink's body, and was there when I buried him, so he seemed to understand and didn't spend time looking for him afterwards. Clearly, he missed him though. He'd sit out in the front yard and meow and meow and meow. Twitchit and he were already friends by then; the three of them used to hang out together on the deck.

Soon, perhaps too soon, I adopted two kittens, Rohan (male) and Luna (female), both neutered. Rohan thinks the sun rises and sets on Willow. He *adores* Will, to the point of smothering him. Willow is submissive, and has a hard time standing up for himself. I keep telling him to just give the kitten a swat and tell him to back off. I adopted the kittens in August, and by October they were starting to sleep together. Will took to grooming the kitten, with only the occasional hiss or growl. Things were going smoothly. Twitch came over nearly every day to join in at dinnertime, and with Dad’s pending death, I was actively encouraging him to start recognizing my house as a second home. All four kitties were at ease with other while they ate.

My father’s health nosedived in February, and he died at home in March. As his primary caregiver, my stress had grown steadily, and really skyrocketed those last two months, trying to stay on top of managing his needs. I did it with a glad heart, but it took quite a toll on me. (Fortunately I live right across the street, which was a huge blessing.)

The morning Dad died, Twitchit had refused to come in his house until the coroner had taken Dad’s body away. Then he came in, sniffed and sniffed, seemed to understand, and didn’t talk about it much after that. He started spending more time at my house, and was engaging in dominance play with the kittens, asserting himself as Boss-kitty. Willow and Twitch had long settled their ranking with each other.

But certainly, Mr. Sensitive-Willow has been dealing with:
- his own grief over losing his brother
- my grief over losing Mink (and maybe my unspoken thoughts that it would have been easier if it had been Willow – my bond with Mink was truly not-of-this-world)
- my preoccupation and stress in taking care of Dad in his final days, and grief afterwards
- Twitchit’s sadness/loneliness over losing his Papa, and shift towards relying on us
- watching me fuss over Twitchit, cultivating a new level of relationship with him
- Twitchit navigating his way into the family

After Dad died, and Twitch was officially invited to be part of our clan, Willow began hissing, and growling, and mewling at Roh more and more. Just awful. I’d get mad, and Willow would look at me with hurt eyes. So I’d try to lavish attention on him when he was behaving well, making sure to spend extra time with him just the two of us. He always seemed to especially like it when Twitch came over. (Twitch had known his brother, after all.) But after Twitch died, now 34 days ago, Will’s discontent dropped sharply. I even wondered if Will’s stress factored into Twitch’s decision to leave this life.

But now, it’s all shades of worse. Will mewls when he simply sees Roh, 15 feet away. He’s been staying under the bed or behind the couch when he’s inside. He’s even growled at me a couple of times. He’s stopped sleeping on the bed with us. Hissy, pissy, grumpy boy. I’m taking him to the vet Monday for a check-up, to rule out anything physical. When I pet him outside, he’s his usual loving, purring, smiling self, if a bit on the needy side. I truly do think this is an emotional problem, rather than anything physical. I’ve been using flower essences since before Dad died, to help with all the transitions. I’m going to order some Feliway.

I feel able to manage whatever I need to do to help Willow, so I guess mostly what I’m asking for here is emotional support for ME. Yet one more new stressor to cope with, in a year of stressors. I’m just so … worn out. I’m so ready for a home life that is peaceful and nourishing… I guess I need to have some long, loving mind-talks with Willow. I know he misses Twitch -- I just wish he'd quit taking it out on Rohan.

Willow is the gray one, Mink is on the right. Such a bond they had…
~Kimbercoping

Hi Kimbercoping, I would say that you have an uncanny understanding of cats.
I think you are right on Willow's wavelength. We would like our furry babes to not go through all the difficutlites that we humans have to: grief, adjustment to certain losses, adjustment to new people, suffering from illness etc... They are stuck with the same
ups and downs that we are. I think you are being exactly how you should be with Willow. And yes, just in case, a good checkup then what can I say, do for Willow what my family did for me, allow us to grieve, accept that for a while things will be a little more quiet, let the rain fall but expect the sun to reappear. Hugs to you and yours, your journey is difficult but will leave you all richer for it.

Hi Kimberly,
Willow looks so much like Shadow that it's uncanny. I'm glad I didn't see that picture a month ago, I would have dissolved in tears. And I'd agree with Toonie that you have a very deep bond with all your cats, living and dead,because after all, what is death but another form of being that we don't understand yet? Now, if only I could get myself to believe that . . .

Will has had a lot of streses in his life too, and I don't care what some people say - animals do feel stress and it can consume them deeply. A vet check is definitely in order, and if nothing physical is found, maybe in your area, there are alternative animal health sources willing to help - acupuncture or acupressure, massage, some form of therapy - I certainly don't now them all, but I think it's worth it to see your beautiful cat come back and maybe understand a little of why you've been upset. After all, Will may be just as much in the dark as you are, or in that cat way, may know more and be distressed that he can't pass it on to you. I don't know - who ever knows for sure with these things that our beloved pets aren't easily able to communicate to us?

Well, think on it a bit and decide what's best for you all. I hurt for you all so very much, and I think the only consolation is that your dad has his companion, and you can have that rare chance at building a rich relationhip with Willow now, and that would certainly be approved by your dad and Twitch very much.

Take care and let us kow how it goes. You were there for me when I was at my lowest, I feel it is an honor to be able to reciprocate in any way I possibly can. All my best - Barb

Here's what gives me hope. This was taken last December: Will and Rohan sleeping nose to nose. I just looked back at my photos, and there's many, many I could have chosen to post instead that show the same thing. Okay, chant to self: "this is just a phase," "this is just a phase..." ~Kimberly

And one more:

thank You for the perfect picture of the three cats
I cannot add something, because I was spending most of the weekend
in LS and I was laughing and I was crying
I whish You all the best
I am so lucky, my cat, Jimmy Klinger, 12 years old, is doing o.k.
Yes, I love him, and he just jumped on my PC-chair, to get the affection
he deserves
Eva

PS: now I want to add something:
A dog, a cat, You can get a fur-baby for a few €........
and then, they give You a lection about love
but You did not expect the sorrow, the pain, the heartbrokenfeeling,
the day, they decide to go..........I had a lot of good friends, thank you

Little did I know I was hitting the nail on the head. Now that Twitch has been confirmed dead, and I had a funeral for him, my sense of limbo has ended. I am sad, but no longer wondering if ... ? Willow immediately started doing better. His fur is smooth and fluffy, he's smiling, and lying out fully spread out in the middle of the floor instead of curled up on a shelf in the laundry room. Apparently his distress was directly related to my emotional upset. The difference is remarkable. I heard him briefly hiss at Luna yesterday, but haven't heard him growling and mewling at all in the last couple days. Who'da thunk it? ~Kimberly

Hi Kim.

Glad you are sounding better. I agree, cats do reflect and feel what we feel. That's part of their wonderful beauty, isn't it? Willow was most likely feeling your distress, and sounds like things are beginning to mellow out at your home.

Go enjoy the fluffy smooth fur!

Paris.

I've always loved dogs for their willngness to do what we want them to do, like my in-laws Great Pyrenees, who guard their alpacas (but are completely useless otherwise except to bark at every vehicle that approaches), but there's something about cats, who take the more mysterious route and make us use our brains to figure out how they knew what we wanted them to do and how we made them feel happier.

Obviously Willow was so sympatico with you that he instinctively knew you were hurting, and that he by himself couldn't fix it for you (dogs always think they can fix your problem, whether it's by tearing your couch apart or putting their heads on your knee). Now Willow knows you have a period mark, kind of a watery period mark, but that you are coming back to the you that he knew before. It must be such a relief to him and to the kittens. I have one cat, bless his heart, who I swear popped out of the ground when my son and I were on a nocturnal walk late at night, and we tried to find his home. He's very distinctive, with six toes in front, and I just knew someone had to be looking for him, except for the Addams-family like folks down on the corner, but no one claimed him, so the family lore has grown up that he popped up from the world of the "wee people" (we're sort of an odd Irish-hybrid family) when we needed him. Anyway, it was a bad summer, cause we knew my husband was going to Iraq in 6 months or so, and I couldn't go on the family vacation because all the animals needed care, and so one of the boys stayed behind, bless his heart. Anyway, back to Mitts (we named him that cause his front paws looked like big 'ol barbecue mitts), he always knows when I'm sad, and when I'm crying, he jumps on my lap and gently pats at my tears to stop them (and I really don't mind the little scratches from the underneath toes) and he rubs his head against my face to dry my tears. Whenever the whole family is engrossed in something else, Mitts is there. He just knows.

I guess my point ( after all that) is that cats know our emotions through the air or through their senses or something that most people don't understand. But isn't that what we love about our cats? I'm so happy that Willow seems adjusting to his new role, the other cats are settling, and life is starting slowly to become it's new normal. Take care, all of you - Barb
PS I remember you wrote some time ago, Kimberly, that your nephew is going to Iraq sometime this fall. I do hope all goes well with him and he will be remembered here by us. Your Dad and Twitch will watch over him also, I'm sure.

Hi Kimberly, I just wanted to comment on the pics of your cats. They are so... cute! What cuddlebugs. The love that you must receive from them. Also I'm happy to hear that Willow is starting to do better. Take care k9pal

My nephew isn't going to be deployed after all --HOORAY!!! His migraines returned, and he loses vision during the migraine -- not a good quality in someone operating a large gun. So he's being reassigned in a training capacity. I am thrilled!

I think Willow is relieved to have his old role back. Even though he liked Twitchit, adding him to the family still meant renegotiating hierarchy between Twitch and the kittens, AND we me, now that I think about it. In a bowl of marbles, any time you add a new one, the others have to shift in relation to each other. It's funny, this is the first time it even dawned on me that *I* was part of the new territory being negotiated; the alliance with me is part of the equation. ~kim

I'M SO ANGRY I COULD JUST SPIT! SWEAR WORDS! EPITHETS! FOUL LANGUAGE OF THE WORST KIND! I was trying to get Willow in, and was on the phone with somebody who just would NOT shut up, droning on and on. I should have just hung up, and planned to call him later. Stupid me! I was outside, phone in one hand, cat in the other. I brushed up against something that moved, scared Willow, and instead of dropping the flippin phone, so I could use both hands, I let him get away. He was scared, so he bolted. (I'mhaving the worst time typing this wihtout a thosuand mistakes.) I got off the phone. Now it's dark, and he's way back int he woods, right under th cedar trees wheret he rcaccoons live that killed twitchit. he won't come back. now it's dark outside and i'm so angry and scared i can bare ly breathe. i'm tyuring so hard not to pnaic . i can hear him call once eveyr vcew minutes far away, quietly. I know he's been bakc there before and knows his way back, but now im' so scared bec ause it's dark out and the racconns come out in the dark. I know that my upset voice is bprobably why he's not coming right away. i know he'l probably be fine. but i'm trying not to panic. c ome back willow right now oh baby willow don't do this to me

what do i do what do i do/????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kimberfreaking

Now it's been a half hour and I don't hear him anymore. He's probalby fine, right? It's pitch black outside. it's my fault, i tried so hard to get him in when he first bolted that i've probably wigged him out and he got scared bec ause i'm scared. so he went farther back intot he brush. and i kept calling, and then i heard him waaaaay back there, and now i don't hear him at all. I'm trying so hard to just sit here quietly, can just call eveyr few minutes like i normally would if he was out too late. trying so hard to keep my voice normal and loving. iwant to go stomping thorugh the brush, desperate to find him, but hat would make it worse. so i sit here, freaking out. the wind is coming up, and it's adding a sense of urgency that makes me want to scream.
willowwillowwillowwillow comebackcomebackcomeback. right now. right gawd damn now. stay calm he'll be fine stay calm he'll be fine just because twitchit died doesn't mean he will stay calm he'll be fine........
kim

HE'S BACK. HE'S IN. HE'S SAFE. Omigod I feel like I'm just been run through a thresher. My back and stomach hurt so bad, they're so tense, I almost feel sick. Ohhhhh my back hurts.

Now that he's in, I'll be okay in a minute, but .................. oh hell, there are no words where I've just been. I'm just relieved he's safe. Later, Kimberly

oh what a feeling, what a rush! Now that all is well, next time you get this kind of phone call press your index finger against the hang up button and you can say you were cut off if the person calls back, that is the absolute truth, no one needs to know your index did it!

Kimberly,

You certainly have a lot of things happening to you! I was sure, when I read the first post, that Willow would be back, but I'm sure it was a nightmare about to happen for you and that every minute was like an hour.

I am glad that you did get to feel the relief of his re-appearing and that you didn't have to wait until the next morning.

Paris.

I'm usually pretty cool-headed, but last night I was just catapulted into panic. Yikes. I'm going out of town this weekend, and Willow is scared of my brother, so he wouldn't come in for him. So it would have meant locking the kittens in a back bedroom, leaving the door open. >>>shiver<<< So glad he came in when he did. Emotionally I was just a wreck. I knew I wasn't being rational or realistic, but panic isn't a rational state... Doing much better this morning! ~Kim

Hi Kimberly,
Does this mean you're keeping the cats in now? I was never sure, but from the panic of that first post--and oh my gosh I was starting to hyperventilate myself--I couldn't tell. You had mentioned once you were going to get a "cat fence" (I assume an electronic thingy) at your dad's place when you moved in there, but I didn't know what you were doing with your own cats now. I firmly (not that you have to follow my dictates of course) believe in indoor cats; I've had too many ferals I've fallen in love with die on the street or of other maladies and yes, of course I dose myself with a hefty cupful or gallon of guilt. So now I even take in my ferals, the latest a battle-scarred tuxedo who utterly adores me and is even warming up to my hubby and is learning his place in the heirarchy of the clowder. (A group of cats is a clowder - I never knew that, like a school of fish or a herd of cows. Or a murder of crows. That one, that makes sense. Don't you just want to murder 'em sometimes? When they start their unGodly cawing at 5 in the AM?)

Oh, what an utter relief - my adrenaline rush for the night, and it's almost 2 AM now. I feel like collapsing. Whew! You know, I think your Dad, Mink and Twitch brought Willow home, gave him a stern talking to saying you can't take anymore stress. Yeah, that's it. Never underestimate the willpower of the spirit world.

And I'm pleased about your nephew, too - what a relief! They won't discharge him for this, will they? It's just a reassignment, right? Is he planning a career in the military? You know, the military does have neurologists who can work up his migraines and find a medication for him - they're doing it for me and I'm only a lowly dependent wife. He's active duty - if he gets to a neurologist surely they can find some med for him, especially if he plans to re-enlist or something like that. And with this economy, a sure job is not a bad thing, and the military needs all the folks it can get. Training is not a bad option, if it keeps him stateside. Good luck to him, and I'm so, so thrilled about Willow. Never a boring moment in your neck of the woods, is there? Do take care - Barb

Will gets to go outside during daytime hours, when it's dry, when I'm home. He's had these privileges for four years, and I just hate to take them away. The two kittens have never been outdoors. The cat fence that will get put in at Papa's is a physical fence, so it will protect against predators coming in, as well as kitties getting out. It's made of deer fencing material, which makes it hard to climb, then there's a curve at the top back toward the yard -- even if the kitty makes it up the fence, they can't navigate that negative curve to make it up over the top.

I'd forgotten about the term clowder, thanks for the reminder. What a goofy term! A pride of lions, a murder of crows, I understand. But a clowder?? Hmm, what other terms would y'all come up with?

After being gone for three days -- and the wall plug-in Feliway working its charm -- I came home to a completely calm house. Will and Rohan are sitting comfortably near each other. Yay! ~Kim

Well, I never heard of a fence like that before. To my stepdad, who hated cats when he married my mom in the 80's, a cat fence was a 6-foot fence with an electric wire on top. I'm pretty sure it was illegal, even in San Jose, where they lived, but when they moved, he took it down, and never put it back up. In fact, as he got older (he was in his 80's by then) he enjoyed having the neighborhood cats visit and sit with him and keep him company, sometimes 3 or 4 at a time, and he knew them all by name. And then when he and my mom moved back here, he got very fond of my two cats and they'd take naps together every day till the two of them moved into their new condo. (The parents, not the cats.) I've never heard of your kind of fence, and I'm glad to hear about it, it does sound so much more humane.

I'm not sure what I would call a gathering of people, especially in my area, which is the DC area. It would depend on the people and who they are and what they're saying. Some of it wouldn't be too complimentary, so maybe I shouldn't share it, at least in public. Sharks - maybe a chum of sharks? (I have no idea if that's correct; it just seems like it should be.)

I'm glad you had your 3 days away and a calm return. So you'd recommend the Feliway? I've always been curious about it, but my cats usually get along, just the odd spit and hiss here and there. But I'm glad there were no replays of the other night, that would have been too rough. Anyway, you needed the time away, sometimes the soul just needs that change of scenery. Anyway, take care, which I know you will, of you and your kitties - Barb

check out purrfectfence.com and catfence.com -- entire fence and retrofit, respectively.

as i write this, will is sitting on my lap -- it's been weeks since the last time. better yet, rohan is on the foot of the recliner, and will STILL got up in the chair with me. Yeah, I think Feliway may be making that difference.

Hi Kimbercat(s) - (it just seemed to fit somehow, hope it's okay),
Good to hear all the cats are getting along and being happy and snuggly. I imagine all of you ensconced in a well-used (but very velvety) recliner, maybe covered with an afghan, perhaps cat-napping sometimes, little snuffly cat noises occasionally. A little fire in the stone fireplace perhaps, smelling nice, the sea breeze nice and salty occasionally wafting through the slightly opened window, phone unplugged, the sound of the breeze in the trees and the glass ornaments sometimes jingling a bit.

Now, if any of this is incorrect, don't tell me. I need my fantasies cause I have to go out and do all my messy chores I won't even profane this message with.

Take care and enjoy your snuggly peace - Barb

Willow's doing wonderfully! The Feliway has helped A LOT. And weekend before last I was gone to a seminar, so all three cats were home alone all weekend. (My brother stopped in daily to feed, water, and scoop litter.) When I came home, they were all hanging out comfortably with each other, utterly relaxed. Yay!

Barb, your description was remarkably close, so your intuition is purring on all cylinders! The velvety recliner is burgundy, the afghan I've been using lately is soft, furry, and canteloupe-colored. The fireplace is a black metal woodstove, but the hearth is stone, -- I'll fire it up again sometime in October. The wind definitely whooshes through the trees, and the windows are still open, letting the fresh air blow through. The lake across the street is freshwater, though the nearest saltwater is less than three miles away.

And the phone unplugged? Now I LIKE the sound of THAT!!!! ~Kimberahhhhh....

Another update: Willow is doing REALLY well now. He sits on my lap a lot in the evenings, all four of us sleep on the bed together (amazing how three cats can take up so much space), and he's routinely grooming Rohan now, and letting Rohan groom him. I heard him hiss the other day for the first time in weeks. He plays with Rohan sometimes now. Recently I was gone for a week, and while it was stressful for him (he told me ALLLLL about it when I got home) he was fine by the next day. He comes in earlier than he needs to in the evenings, preferring to hang out with us now. The photo shown on my August 5th post could have been taken today, as the two of them are becoming buddies again.

I'm boggled to realize it's already been 3-1/2 months since Twitch died. Nearly 7 months since my dad died. And 16 months since Mink died. So hats off to both Willow AND me for being able to cope with so much loss as well as we are. My bond with him has really deepened. With all three kitties, actually, but Willow and I both really understand each other's losses. Thanks again to everyone here for your amazing support. ~Kimberly PS: You've seen so many of my kitties' pics, thought I'd introduce myself this time!

Well, Kim, it's very nice to meet you. And good to know the cats are doing well and you're all snuggling together at night. I've slept with 4 cats on the bed once, had hardly any room to move, but if I do Shadow gets annoyed, and an annoyed Shadow is not a happy Shadow. She occasionally gets that look in her eye when the door is ajar, but we recognize it and will slam the door shut. I cannot take another season of searching for her. And although my husband wasn't really a help during that time (he's had issues with Shadow - claims she deliberately trips him on the stairs - how ridiculous!) the two other boys who were here are now gone to school, and my husband is going to Afghanistan via Ft. Riley in Kansas, and I can't do another cat search again. Now, anyway.

Has it been 3 1/2 months since Twitch passed? My gosh, amazing. But I'm thrilled to hear that Willow is doing so well, and that your bond has grown so much. And his bond with Rohan, too. Have you moved across the street yet, you'd mentioned you were going to eventually. Anyway, you're staying busy, it sounds like, and I'm so pleased to hear of your optimistic update on you and your kitties. I still marvel at how you can get them to pose - there's an art form! Take care - Barb

Just thought y'all might want to know that Willow and Rohan are best buds now, Willow is completely at ease with both Roh and Luna. ~Kimberly

Wonderful to hear and wonderful to see the gorgeous picture!

I also loved the bigger picture earlier in your thread of Mink and Willow. I see Mink in all my babies that I had and somewhat now in my new one, Lucky.

Obviously, you did all the right things and your babies came together. Of course, I'm sure all of you sleeping together helped the bonding

All of your pics are purrrrrrrrrfectly adorable! Glad to hear they are all getting along well. Must be fun in your bed with 3 furrykids hoggin the covers and stretching out.

I wouldn't have my bed any different than full of my loved furry babies either.
Kitties are alot of fun and when I look at yours it makes me want a kitty again. I haven't had a kitty in the house in almost 11 years.

Enjoy your babies and thanks for sharing your update and also your magnificent pics