I had to take that last trip to the vet last Friday, with my beloved 13yr old Chelsy. He had cancer in his gut that was eating him alive, and though I wanted and prayed and begged that he be given the chance for a peaceful death at home it just wasn't granted.

That Thursday I could see that he was just so miserable & not eating and having such a hard time that I set up the appointment... hoping against hope that he could be freed that night.

It just wasn't to be. That day as I sat with him, and saw how he was struggling to die I begged to be helped through this task. It was like a bubble of light descended & I gained the strength to do this. I promised him that although it was all I could do, I would end this for him.

I gave him a few treats in the palm of my hand & he actually ate a few... his sweet tounge on my fingers felt like last kisses.

Then it was into the basket & the drive to the vet.

It was horrible.

Poor Chelsy had always been a terrible traveler, and the many trips to the vet made in route to this final one had stressed him more & more each time.

When we got there and I lifted him out onto the table he was scared and "stress-purring" in big pants. I cuddled him and laid my head on his side (our favorite caress) trying to calm him, while the vet got ready, but he kept on making that awful sound. When I lifted my head, talked to the vet & looked back down at him, I could see that he was in the process of dying. He had those sunken hollows above his eyes that animals get.

I think he was in shock. Although his eyes were open, they were fixed & dialated.

Thankfully the vet soon ended this ordeal for both of us. I stroked him as they were administering the drug, & felt him give an extra big heaving breath and stop purring.

I was amazed at how soon he no longer felt like my beautiful kitty. It was as if "something" that spirit or essence that was most truly him left almost immediately. Even though the body was still warm.

I have endured torturing pain and grief every day since then. My biggest grief was that his final moments were so stressful.

He didn't want to leave & I didn't want to let him go. Maybe I held him too close in life, so that it was terribly hard for him to go when it was time.

I just didn't want him to hurt anymore... It was the only last thing I could do for him.

I'm just soooo, soooo sorry that it had to end like this sweetheart kitty. I miss you so much and grieve over your loss more than I could have possibly imagined.

I just hope & pray that you are OK now. At the very least, I know for sure that you are not still hurting. Forgive me.

Dear Whytebyrd, my deepest sympathies, you must be absolutely crushed to be without Chelsy. Last November, I had to put my 13 year old soulmate Yukon to sleep too. It was the worst grief I have ever know even though I lost my father 9 years before that and my father was very close to me.
I too had hoped that when the time came, late in his life, as an old aged cat, when Yukon's days were over he would go quietly in his sleep but it wasn't meant to be. You had even less of a choice with Chelsy, when they are being ravaged by cancer, there is no other choice to be made than the one we never want to take.


I know, I know, I write this through the tears that are flowing, it was the same for mine, it is sheer torture to remember that last hour, the car ride, the fear, and in my case the sudden realization that Yukon had :" hey,why should I go on being scared, my mom is allowing this to happen with this martyr's look on her face and look at my dad going along with this right next to her, him not protecting me either, I am stuck here with these monsters, well screw you, screw both of you, with parents like these I may as well just go then and he turned around and refused to look at us, I kept petting his fur until the vets came in and took him in their arms to administer that final injection while I held on to his hind paw.... I went into a sort of shock I would go over this over and over and over again, now it is sort of out of my system, now I can just love him and I have the feeling he is loving me back so he must know that
I loved him more than life itself to have done that to him.
It will be so hard for you, come back here and talk, talk to others this site has
saved my soul.

Thank you...

It HAS been hard. I too kept (still do sometimes) getting stuck in the trauma of that last hour. It was like I had grabbed a high voltage live wire & couldn't let go even though jolt after jolt went through me.

Then "something" seemed to help me... It was like someone held in my mind 2 pictures, one of the suffering my poor sweetheart was in before I put him in the basket, and another of the awful but QUICK end at the vets. Then it was as if I could make a choice... which was actually the worse thing? Letting the one I loved slowly die in protracted suffering while I watched, or the vet trip?

It was healing, and helped me let go a little of the actual trauma of the end.

I would have given the world to make his end a gentle one, but it just didn't go that way. My ignorance and the way stress was clouding my own mind maybe blinded me to any ways that I could have made it better for us both.

I wish so much that this was not so, but it was. Nothing will ever change that.

Given the same situation again, I have thought of one or two things that maybe would have helped make it a more gentle passing, but again, maybe they wouldn't.

I do think that the choice I made was the right one.

Like you, I sometimes hurt myself by wondering if I held on too long... But I couldn't let him go as long as he was still "here" enough to want to be with me.

On that final day, I knew that he loved me, but he was just so sick and so tired and in so much misery that he was giving up.

I will always treasure the way he licked a few treats from my fingers that day, just before going. It was like he was kissing me goodbye.

Dear Whytebird, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how hard this is, all the doubts, guilt, what-ifs, we all have had them. It is because we love our four leggeds, it is who we are. I know what I tell you won't make your hurt go away, I just hope what we all say here will keep you from hurting alone, that makes all the difference.

I wish you peace in your time of pain. Just know that your dear Chelsy knew and still does know that you love him.

Be Well,

mark

I too am sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose our furry ones. They do not have long in this world. I still after one year have a lot of what if and such.
God Bless and Peace.
Theresa

Hi

Eight days ago I too had to make that hideous decision and put my beautiful boy Nelson to sleep. He too had cancer and I had three weeks of knowing he was going. I prayed he would just go one night but then I would panic he would be in pain and I would be asleep and not be there to comfort him. In the end I just knew that final day that he had had enough and god only knows how but I made that decision to put him down and end the pain for him. I said it was about him not me because I would have kept him alive forever if I could have. I have tortured myself going over his final moments like a stupid record in my head. I miss him so much - I truly can not believe that he is not next to me this moment. I have even blamed myself for his cancer, did I make it progress faster, could I have done more - it goes on and on but I too have to let that go and stop hurting myself - it wont bring him back and the only thing that matters is that we adored them while we had them and we will miss them forever. Your Chelsy was lucky to have you and you gave her a beautiful life.

I have contacted an animal rescue organisation in my area and I am going to make a donation in Nelson's honour so his death will not be totally in vain. They have responded with a beautiful thank you so I feel some tiny good has come from all this pain. He was such a beautiful natured cat that this seems fitting somehow.

I cried when I read your post as I know exactly what you are going through. Keep writing here as it has helped me get through this last week.

Kips

I'm so sorry about your poor baby. My baby has cancer right now, so I know how you feel. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all for your kind words and for letting me know that others too have had to travel this rutted and painful road.

It's just still so very hard.

I want to tell the other "cancer sufferers" that I feel a special kinship for your pain.

I've read several books on grief & pet loss, and it seems to be "accepted" that sudden death deals a greater blow than a lingering illness that gives the pet guardian time to accustom themselves.

I'm not at all sure that this is the case. It is so awful to see your beautiful fur-child waste away in front of your eyes. To see them in daily growing from discomfort to pain to misery and yet still see them trying to love you.

No one in cases of sudden death ever has that last fatal decision to make for their furry loves. They never have to deal with what could very well be a hugely traumatic last visit to the vet.

I'm not saying that their love is less in any way, or their loss is less than complete, it's just that they truly don't have to undergo the awful, wrenching pain and trauma of being the executioner of their own true love. They don't have to see that grim possibility turn into an inescapable doom. I'll never really get over that. Even though I know it was the kindest thing I could do.

During the long months of Chelsy's illness, I had to drive by the vet's every weekday. twice a day, comming and going... Each time I felt anxiety, desperation and comming grief stab my gut like a knife, leaving me breathless with pain as I drove by.

I'm reminded of a line from one of Edna St. Vincent Millay's poems...

"It's not love's going that darkens my days--
but that it went in little ways."

Whytebird,
Your last post was very well said and I can totally relate to you. It's the awful pre-loss/anticipatory grief. It REALLY SUCKS!!!!