I haven't been here for about 2 weeks as Nelson picked up quite alot after the vet diagnosed him with lymphosarcoma. They thought he had a couple of days at most but I actually had him for another nearly 3 weeks. He was doing so well and I was handfeeding every two hours or so - all his favourites and he stilled purred whenever he saw me. I spent every minute I could with him and then yesterday morning I just knew - he didnt purr, he wouldnt even eat a prawn and his eyes looked so sad. I had the vet come to the house (that car arriving was the worst noise I have ever heard) and I started to panic but they were wonderful. I was howling and sobbing like a demented woman. I was holding him and I just kept telling him I loved him so it was the last thing he ever heard. I still dont know where I ever got the strength to go through with it except I knew he was starting to suffer and he was too precious to go through that. The vet said he would have started seizing within 24 hours and I think that would have killed me as well. I have had his body all night and today I am doing a 5 hour round trip to have him cremated. I am so so so sad. I know I was lucky to have these last few weeks with him and i know he had a wonderful life but I just miss him so badly I feel I cant breathe. The world looked so dull when I woke (after almost no sleep) and I wonder if I will ever get over losing Nelson. He was my special boy. Every time I saw him I always got a little lift in my spirits. He just lit up my world. I have other pets that I love but he was just so special - its hard to put it into words. I just adored him. I am going to miss him every day for the rest of my life. Rest in peace my most beautiful little man. Kips

Oh Kips I am so sorry! I heard so much of my own story as you were telling yours. I feel your pain and lonliness. I too felt like I literally couldn't breathe. I think it's probably anxiety and some shock that amplifies things so much.

Nelson was your good boy and you loved him unconditionally as he loved you. Thank God you had those extra days to love him and say goodbye. How precious and bittersweet those days must have been.

You definately did the right thing. When he stopped purring and you could see the pain in his eyes, you knew what you had to do. I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

When my Sadie went into kidney failure I saw the same thing in her. She tried to be brave and not make me worry, but when I walked in the house she just layed on her pillow and looked at me with the pained eyes. When I walked into the kitchen expecting to be followed and meowed at for food, she didn't follow. When I carried her to her food dish she couldn't eat...she only tried to drink a little. I knew it wasn't good..even before I learned she was poisoned by the tainted food. I remember saying to her "are we at the end, baby? Is it time to go?". I too wailed and cried as the needle was placed into her. I too told her how good she was and how much I loved her over and over again as she drifted off to sleep.

I didn't mean to go on, Kips, I just wanted you to understand that I know what you are going through. I also want you to know that although you will always miss Nelson, you will get through this. You will be happy again, but it will take time. You may never be the same, but one day this bitter devastating tragedy that seems too much for you will just be a memory. You will be able to talk about Nelson without bursting into tears...maybe even with a smile and laughter at his precious memories. He will always be with you...and you will see him again someday.

In the meantime take care of yourself and write back here as much as you need to.

We love you and care about what you are going through!

Take care
John

I am truly sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers and thoughts. My precious Babe is going down, and I'm dreading that day.

Sheri

Dear Kips,
I am so sorry for your loss, but you did the best thing for Nelson & you had those last three precious weeks together. He will live on in your memories forever.
Judith

Dear Kips what a great companion you were to Nelson What a gift it was to him that you were his mom. How strong you were to endure his pain and accompany him in love and care, how he must have appreciated your love, till his last breath. How he will look forward to being with you again when you have done your own time here, being the brave, wonderful, strong and loyal person that Nelson knows and wants to continue to witness from above where his pride of being your soulmate is another bliss to keep him held in love and happiness until you greet him again, bigger, better and larger than life. It will be hard for you, you will feel great pain, you may have problems with sleep, headaches every thing. I hug you and hope that you will keep being the Kips that we all admire and that Nelson admires the most because he knows how very wonderful his mistress is and will be forever yours. Take care, be very gentle on yourself because this is how you have been with Nelson and this will be Nelson's treat, that you be good to yourself as acomfort to Nelson. With all my admiration, toonie

P.S. John B, you were an angel to Sadie too. Boogie, you are living very intensely at this time, you be good to yourself too, it is so hard, take care, hugs to you too.

Kips, I'm very sorry for your loss of Nelson. I know how hard and traumatizing it was for you to say good bye. I believe it's the love that we have for our precious babies that give us the strenght to make that painful decision. Because of that love, we choose as their guardians not to let them suffer. You did the right thing for Nelson you saved him from the agonizing pain that was soon to come. Like all the others that posted before me, I too understand the immense emptiness and void that you feel in your heart. It's so hard to move ahead in life without our companions by our sides. Sometimes that grief is so overwelming that it consumes your thoughts night and day. With me, only the understanding of my own guilt, (Thanks to others on this site) and time seemed to lesson the pain. I know right now nothing will really take away the hurt that you are feeling. But I truly believe that comming to this site and expressing your feelings and having others support, and understanding helps to ease the pain. It helps to have others grieve with you. I am grieving with and for you Kips. Nelson had a wonderful caring mommy. Take care k9pal

Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and your wonderful replies touch me so deeply. I drove to Perth yesterday to the pet cremation place and they were so kind. I just cried and cried. I wrote him a letter and put it between his paws so I felt like I was leaving him with something. When they took his body I just felt like I cracked in two. I wanted to run after them and get him back so badly. Then as my Mum and I were leaving through my wretchedness I saw a rainbow and I thought I will now always think of my beautiful boy everytime I see a rainbow. When I got back to my Mother's house there was a wrapped parcel for me and I couldn't believe it. My aunty and uncle had spent boxing day with us last year and being a photographer and animal lover they remembered they had taken a photo of Nelson. They had sat up till 3.ooam looking for it and they had it enlarged and framed for me. I cant describe it to you except to say it is the most amazing photo of him I have ever seen. It is like he is there about to jump into my arms. It is so painful to look at as I can see all his beautiful stripes - I feel I can smell him almost when I look at this photo. At the moment it is almost too painful to look at as my longing for him is so overwhelming but I know I will eventually treasure that photo. I am trying to keep busy but I keep breaking down and I am letting myself just howl when I need to. When I was home he was always with me - he was more like a dog than a cat in that way so I feel so empty around me. I actually have always had a terrible gnawing anxiety from the day I got him about when I would lose him - I have never been like this about another pet. I just knew he was such a part of me that his loss would be terrible - and it is. Love to you all and thank you. Kips

Kips, Your aunty and uncle sound like wonderful people. How touching that they stayed up to the wee hours in the morning to find and give you that picture of Nelson. I'm glad that you have them in your corner. Take care k9pal

Dear Kips,
I am reading your story and crying again, wow how it brings back all those feelings, I lost my boy on Christmas morning, and it feels like a lifetime ago in some ways, although I will always miss him and sometimes the pain is very sharp or I cry, but nothing like at first, you are blessed to have such supportive family, the rainbow is a certain sign, Nelson sent that to you, or someone above did, thats wonderful, keep taking good care of yourself, let it all out, crying is the best way, although sometimes it feels like its not enough, but it is good, I am so sorry for your pain, and loss, I am thinking about you and sending lots of love and prayers to you and Nelson, Take Care! Tory, Hrudey's and Frank's Momma

I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to Nelson. You did all you could to make his last days as comfortable and happy as possible. May he rest peacefully at the Bridge.