I'm completely depressed right now.
I'm also extremely angry.
I just got into a huge fight with my mother about our dog, Blue.
He passed away last December.
We got him when I was 4 years old.
I'm 18 now and I miss him more than words can describe.
My mother thinks that I should join a support group and keeping a blog and writing on forums has always been alot easier, that is why I joined this site.
My mother refuses to talk about our deceased dog.
She refuses to talk about getting a new dog.
I've become completely obsessed with getting a new dog.
I know the names of all the dogs at local shelters.
I frequent online pet searches like petfinder and kijiji.
I'm driving myself insane and I feel like no one understands me and I have no idea how to stop obsessing.
In no way do I want to replace Blue. I loved him and will always love him.
But I have never been without a pet in my life.
When our first dog, Chester, died, we got Blue 6 hours after.
I've had other pets along the way as well.
I need a pet but I also want to repect the wishes of my mother because I don't want to upset her.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm making myself sick.
I'm withdrawn from...everything.
For a while I used drugs to numb myself.
It's been a few months since I've done drugs or drank any alcohol.
But I crave that numb feeling.
I just don't want to feel anymore because it hurts too bad.
All I do is cry.
I feel like a part of my soul has died.

Dear Tee,

I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved Blue. I was so moved by your post. I'm sure partly because I saw myself in what you said. Like you, when I was young I adored our family dogs and felt that I really couldn't live without them. The good news is that twenty five years later, I am happy to report that I don't have to.

I know it's hard for you right now but there are things that you can do to feel better. First, you know already of the amount of time, patience and love you need to keep an animal friend happy and safe and know first hand the love you get in return. Writing and jounaling is an excellent outlet.

Have you considered volunteering at one of the shelters? You may just be able to convince your Mom through your dedication to them - working selflessly to make their lives a little easier that another dog is a good idea.

It's nice to hear that you want to protect your mom too and understandable that you two might be having disagreementrs right now. It's a hard time for your family. Don't push her too hard, maybe ask her instead when she thinks she might be willing to discuss it with you and wait patiently for that time.

I'll be thinking of you and your pretty boy Blue. It will be okay. I promise. There will come a time when you can look back on all the wonderful time you had together without so much pain.

Take Care of yourself, Sharon

Tee, I'm so sorry for your loss of Blue. I understand your anger towards your mother for not talking to you about Blue. Not that I'm defending her but maybe it hurts her to much to talk about Blue. I'm sure that she's hurting also. People grieve in different ways maybe her way of grieving differs from yours. Maybe she's not ready emotionaly for a new dog. I know how hard it is to deal with so... much pain, guilt, anger, and depression. But hang in there. I know it may not seem it now but in time things will get a little easier. I'm happy to hear that you are no longer doing any drugs or alcohol. Thou both may take away the pain for a little while it makes the pain 10 times worse in the long run. Both do more harm than good and it messes with your head, it makes it hard to think rationally. It makes healing even harder . So stay strong and stay away from that junk. Also please don't withdraw from your friends and social activities, it helps to keep your mind busy. Besides when you start to make yourself invisable you start feeling as if you are.That is know good and you sound to nice of a caring person to be alone. So if your mom won't let you have a dog at this point and time try to accept that fact and concentrate your energy onto something that will bring you joy. Get out there , socialize and mingle with your peers it may help you a little with dealing with your grief. I wish you the very best. K9pal

Hi Tee,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It really is a devastating thing to lose a beloved friend and family member like that. I remember wishing I was dead in the beginning. It sucks big time!

I'm sure your mother will let you get a new dog in time but right now she doesn't want to entertain the idea for one reason or another. Hang in there for now...it won't do either one of you any good right now to fight about it. Give her time. Maybe it would be good for you go through the grieving process before you consider getting a new dog anyway. Maybe in that way you would make a better decision about it. Maybe it would be good to ask yourself why you are obcessed with getting another pet so soon after losing your baby. I certainly don't know the answers, but I believe you will find them if you quiet yourself enough to listen.

As for the drug and alcohol thing, I think you know that is not a healthy option if you want to get through this without causing further damage to your already fragile phyche. There are better ways. Just being honest with your feelings and pouring them out here, to us who understand, helps a lot. Whatever it takes make sure it is a positive and healthy approach.




Take care
John B

Hi Tee.

We all understand how you feel. The love of a pet can be extremely strong. It is normal for you to feel this way, as the grieving process can be frustrated by those around you who underestimate the loss of pet.

Someone suggested volunteering at a shelter. What a great idea. This way you could be in the presence of animals and receive some of the warmth and affection, if you are not disturbed by seeing the dogs in cages.

Tee, you said you are 18. Are you living at home or planning on moving out or going to college? I was just wondering logisically, if/when you get another dog.

I don't know what to say, Blue has been part of your entire life, and there is an emptiness there that is unbearable. You know, of course, that drugs/alcohol should only be used sparingly. It will take time for the pain to ease, and if you could try to maybe focus on a new hobby or goal, it might help to ease the obsession.

As I asked, what are your plans now that you are 18?

Tee,
I'm so very sorry for your loss right now, and the issues with your mom. I've learned through time that after an excessive and heartbreaking loss, family problems seem magnified out of all proportion. That's not to diminish them, they exist all right, but they seem all the more bitter because of the loss.

If it doesn't hurt to be around other animals, and you can handle it without wanting to bring home all the animals there, it's a great idea. At first, it seems that your mind just can't get off that treadmill of pain and guilt, pain and guilt. And when family problems are added in, pain and guilt and anger are added in. If being around animals hurts too much, there are lots of other volunteer opportunities out there, and can take you slowly off that treadmill. Plus, it takes you out of the environment with your mom, and allows her to think and grieve in her way, and maybe realize that she needs a bit of company too. Certainly there are no promises, but I know this, dwelling on the pain and sadness really only adds to the burden. It can either help you grow, or it can channel your energies into doing something to help others. It's a myth, I believe, that dogs can be aloof from people and their problems, because they inspire us to do such good things in heir names. So, do what you feel Blue would want you to do.

Please let us know what happens - we care, so you take care - Barb

Tee

I am so sorry for your loss---I hope you will think about volunteering since you are not able to get another dog--

We are a multi-cat household and have to feel the loss many times---I find that having my other cats has helped--and perhaps you taking care of other animals may help you---

And keep coming back here--I found that just putting my feelings down has been a big help.

Mary

Dear All,
I apologize, I kept meaning to come on and reply to each one of you individually, but I've been really sick the past few days and haven't had the energy to come online. I'm really tired right now and am going to go lay down but I will be online tomorrow to reply to everyone. I do appreciate all your replies and it really helps knowing that other people understand what I am going through. I'm really exhausted though, so I'm off to bed. I will write tomorrow.
Bye for now.
-Tee

Tee,
Don't know if you are still here. I sincerely hope have dealt healthily with your loss. But rest assured if you need support, others are here. Just thinking of you tonight...