It's been 4 months since my cat, Idaho, went missing/died. He was my baby and best friend for almost 13 years. He was still healthy and frisky-more so than my two younger cats. I know he is dead as he was not a roamer and there have been coyotes in our neighborhood before. I don't think he was run over, as we live on a dead-end street with pretty good neighbors (we actually bought our house as much for the cats as for us because we thought it would be so safe-how wrong I was). I feel completely responsible, as I knew there was a risk, as the same thing happened to our cat Albert, 5 years ago (although, I didn't know about the coyotes then). I don't regret letting Idaho and our other cats out, as it did make them so happy (when I lived in a city apartment years ago, Idaho cried to go out before he even knew what "out" was, so I used to take him out on the patio on a leash-I used to promise him that one day I'd buy him a home with a nice yard that would be all his). We only let them out when we were home and during day light to minimize risk. However, on the day Idaho went missing, I was not as careful. He was crying to go back out at 6pm, normally I wouldn't have let him, but he was so insistent, probably because he was annoyed by disorder cause by a home renovation project or maybe it was just because it was a beautiful day. Because daylight savings time had just started and it would be light much later, I thought it would be OK. I last saw him up at our garden-I was picking herbs for supper and he wanted me to play with him, pick him some catnip-I called to him to follow, but he stayed. If only I had just picked him up and carried him to the house! I called to him after supper to give him some fish, but he didn't come. I wasn't even worried yet as he was a big, tough, stubborn guy, who often pushed the limits of his curfew. Every so often, my husband and I would call and walk around the yard, with each passing hour getting more frantic. I stayed up all night crying and begging God to let Idaho come home, but I knew something horrible had happened. Since that day, there is a hole in my heart that can't be filled. I have supportive friends/family and I have seen a counselor which has really helped, but the fact is my boy is gone and I feel it was my fault and could have been prevented.
I thought I had so much more time with him. Not to take away from the pain and grief of you that have had to endure illness, but the pain of this type of loss is unbearable-I wish I could have loved him through illness/old age and been with him to the end. I feel ashamed that it ended like this, like our relationship was less-than, but I know in my heart it wasn't.
And, although I should be ashamed, I am bitter towards my neighbors who let their cats out all day/night without the caution I attempted to use and nothing has ever happened to them. Why did this happen to my family twice when I love my cats so, so much?
I feel guilty, but I am sometimes resentful (in my heart, not actions) towards my other two cats, because I'm not as close to them. I had Idaho from a kitten since college, before I met my husband, etc., he endured good and bad with me. He was my protector (even trying to chase dogs away from me at times). When I cried, he came to me, whereas my others, run away (which I know is more usual for cats).
We had a once in a life-time connection, our personalities were so in tune-I actually loved him more because he could be stubborn and ornery, then as sweet and playful as a kitten.
All I know, is that I'd give anything to have him back, and I keep going back to the fact that I could have been more careful and prevented this. I'm afraid I'll never have peace in my heart.
Anyone whose been in a similar situation, and found any peace, please help.

Suzz,

I just read your post with a very heavy heart. Idaho sounds like such a fantastic cat.

I feel horrible for you, as I know exactly how you feel. There is nothing worse than having your pet go missing. I just came out of this horrible ordeal a few days ago, after my cat Bennett was gone for almost 2 months. I also prayed that he come back, and thankfully, he did. I was wracked with guilt, despair, anxiety, torment.

I felt guilty that I hadn't put a collar on him, or had him microchipped. The collars were getting lost and well, there was no problem anyway, until......I felt guilty that I waited a few weeks to start really looking (he's an outdoor cat used to roaming.) I was tormented with all the possiblities of where he was, what happened to him, is he alive or dead. I feared that it would take months, years, to deal with this.

I know you are feeling guilty, but like you, we both decided that we would allow our cats to enjoy the outdoors. Even when my cat was missing, I did not regret the choice I made to let him live an outdoor life. There are risks to many things we do. Even an indoor cat can get loose and run off, a pet can eat something poisonous by accident, the cat could be near you and get scared and bolt into the street. In retrospect, I wished I had done this or not done that, though at the time it seemed ok.

I understand your pain and wish the best for you.

Suzz--

I know where you are coming from--2 weeks ago this past Monday--I lost my oldest cat due to a very stupid accident--

It was hard and it still continues to be so-I "what if" everytime I think about it--

I did a couple of things that helped--
First was to find this group the day I was holding her in my arms
I have lit a candle for her on a daily basis
I have this little guardian angel cat pin that I wear in her memory
And I had her creamated and brought her home--

The "What ifs" will take a long time to go away---but I just try to help myself the best I can--if I want to cry I do---and if I want to talk about her I come here--

Mary

Suzzz,

My heart goes out to you in your grief.


Idaho will see to it, one way or another, that you do find peace in your heart again.

I can only imagine the "what-if's" about not letting him back out that day, etc. Believe me, probably each one of us on this board wishes we could turn back the clock and done one thing differently. Sometimes the things were mistakes (which we all make), sometimes just a different way we would have done something... there are many types of regrets, but our intentions are good. And that day, Idaho was enjoying some extra time outside and with his Mom .


You 2 will be reunited, when it's your time. Until then, trust that Idaho is experiencing pure bliss. There's nothing but bliss in that realm. No sense of separation or emotional pain.

If the roles had been reversed and it was you who passed on, you would want Idaho to be as happy as he possibly could be during the rest of his life, and that's exactly what he wants for you, his precious Mom.

Take care of yourself, and I'm glad you found this site!! God bless,
Kathy

-Little girl's mommy.

Dear Suzzz, I can not hope to bring you peace but I can share a few thoughts with you.
I lost my two 13 year old cats last fall, both to illness. The first had heart failure.
The other one diabetes. Felix went outside up to his last days, it was a shock to discover that he was so sick. Where we live are many coyotes, fisher cats, foxes, racoons etc.. Whenever I think of Felix's life, I tell myself that he had the best because he so loved the outdoors. He would be out chasing mice and discovering nature every minute of his waking days and most nights until 4 or 5 in the morning. He got to see the stars come out and all of night's mysteries. He probably got a few close calls but also had the satisfaction of tackling and surviving them. I think that what I can say is that I think that Felix would have chosen us to live with because we let him be so free and that was his best world even though he loved being with us when he came in for a bit of rest and relaxation or when the weather was bad.
My other cat, Yukon, my soul mate and unique cat love of my life was not quite as adventurous. Earlier on he had decided that the home life was pretty good:
continuous food, comfy chairs, quiet music during the day,no danger ahhhh. Sometimes he would decide to go outside but he would always be back earlier than his brother to share my dreams for the rest of the night. By age 7 he was a real homebody and food took care of his boredom. But food became his predator and diabetes preyed upon him, and got him. There is never an ideal way for us to become separated from them. It is that separation that is the biggest pain, not how we lost them, whether we made the right decisions or not, and because they go, one way or another before us and we who stay are the ones who hurt all the way sometimes forever. Part of our pain is thinking of their pain, would it help if you thought like I tried to bring myself to think. that the last moments were probably not very much different than the horrors we sometimes live through in nightmares that sound so real ? I remember when my cats would dream in their sleep and their movements of flight and fear while their nightmare was going on let me know to them this was like it was real....I like to think that for them the last hours may have been hard to distinguish as such horrors are somewhere between reality and nightmares....may they rest in peace. And so should we, if we didn't have all that love to cry over and redistribute! Take care dear Suzzz, know that we share your grief and that Idaho's love is always there for you, like yours is always there for Idaho. We only wanted the best for them but the rain must fall for all who live on this earth, this is inevitable. Courage and let us know how you are doing, we all are in the same boat here.

Suzzz, Reading you post spoke in volumns to me about a few things. The one thing that I absolutly DID NOT see or feel was that you were neglectful. I feel that you were a great, caring parent to Idaho. The lenghts that you went through to insure Idaho's saftey is apparent. The area in which you moved too, a dead end street with no traffic is a safer environment then the city. There are less coyotes then trucks, vans, motorcycles, cars, etc. Not to mention nasty people who get annoyed with others pets. Where you moved to the pros outweigh the cons. You said that when you lived in the city Idaho longed to go outside. So what did you do? You moved and gave him a nice yard, and a peaceful environment. How can that be possibly wrong? It isn't . There is no place in the world that is guarantee to be 100% safe even for humans let alone our pets. Idaho must of been in glory with his his lush suroundings. It was because of you that he had that wonderful life. You feel guilty because you didn't pick up Idaho and bring him into the house. You didn't bring him in because you loved him. You knew that he wanted to stay outside. The day was beautiful and he was enjoying it. He had you wrapped around his furry paw and a couple of meows and you couldn't resist his pleads. It's kind of like a kid begging Mommy please, please, please can I have more candy. You know you shouldn't give in but you do because you know that it gives them joy and happiness. That's what you did for Idaho. You gave joy, and happiness, with 100% love. I hope that you can fight your guilt and try to remember all the great things that you did for Idaho. Take care k9pal

Suzz,

I am so sorry to hear about Idaho. Please don't blame yourself. You could not possibly have seen this coming. It's hard anytime we lose a pet, but when we lose the one we are closest to & have such a bond with like you & Idaho had......that is so much harder. Please don't make this worse on yourself because your 20/20 hindsight is messing with you right now. You couldn't have given Idaho a better home, or more love.

We're here for you, anytime. Please take care.

Thank you, all of you, who replied and have sent me such positive energy. Your words help, as well as just knowing that there are such kind people on this earth that love their pets so much, and that care enough to support others in pain. I will re-read your kind and wise words when the guilt tries to cloud the memories of the wonderful years I had with Idaho. What I wouldn't give for just one more day with him...Idaho was my first cat ever (I was raised in a dog family). The day I got him from the shelter as a kitten, I had no idea of the depth and complexity of the relationship we would develop, and for that I am thankful. I wish peace to all of you and your animal families, past and present.