Can somebody please... tell me why most of us here in some point in time blame ourselves for our beloved pets deaths? Where does all the guilt come from? I realize that it's part of the grieving process but why? In my experience, first I blamed myself for Maxes passing, for having him euthinized. Now I'm at peace with that decision because he was in so much pain. Then I blamed myself for keeping him alive and living with all that pain. I believed that I was crule and selfish. Then I went on to blame myself for his sickness. Why did he get cancer? What did I do to contribute to it? Why didn't I know he had it? I still have somewhat issues and guilt about those. Then I find out that there were other options available for Maxes cancer. So I took that guilt and turned it into anger against the vets. To my astonishment I realized just how much that guilt dominated my life. Summertime the time for weddings , showers, ect. Did I go? No I didn't. I told myself that I was grieving , that I didn't want to put on a fake smile. I pushed away my friends and family. Well, not my family they were very patient and persistant. They wouldn't let me build that wall. The ironic thing is I didn't even realize that I was doing it! The post about my friend. I think that maybe it was my fault. It's hard to explain but I think that at the time I believed or I wanted to believe that she wasn't supportive. I look back and she did call me to go places, hang out, to talk, etc. I'm the one who pushed her away. I'm the one who pushed everyone away without knowing I was doing so. I felt so guilty about Max that I wouldn't allow any happiness into my life. I wanted to be miserable, I was punishing myself because I felt like I was a horrible person for letting him get sick, for letting him die. I hated myself for not protecting him . When I did have a happy moment I would wipe the smile off my face and think to myself how could you be happy Max is dead and it's my fault. Talk about guilt! What a destroyer. I guess subconsciously I knew that I couldn't cope alone and that is why I turned to this site. Understanding others sorrow helps you to understand your own. When others see the direction in which you are going they point it out to you and pull you back in. SUPPORT, making new friends who know and feel your grief and guilt and won't allow you to go down that road alone. Thank you, The guilt hasn't stopped completly but at least I'm aware of it's power and I didn't come to that conclusion alone . Your friend k9pal

I totally understand. At least you had people that cared. I bet they totally understand why you retreated for a while. It's totally normal. It's been over 7 months for me, and I am still having one of those days where I just don't feel like talking to anybody. On my end it's that no one cared when it happened, so it made my loss much much worse.

Hang in there and thanks for sharing. I am so sorry you lost MAx---please keep posting.

Hugs, Misty's Mama

It is always easy to second guess what could have been or should have been done. The bottom line is that most of us do the best that we can for our furkids and we shouldn't let feelings of guilt be a part of our lives when we know we have done everything we knew to do. The only ones who really should feel guilt are those who know better and don't do what they can for their furkids. The good parents do the best that they can with the current knowledge they have. With experience we learn more about how to cope with illness and injury and we do even better the next time.

Dear k9pal,
Your message echoed so strongly how I'm feeling just now. I laid awake last night just going over & over how I should have done more/less, reacted differently, spent more time with my dearest Furry. Eventually I stilled the demons by concentrating on the fact that if she hadn't chosen to come & live with us we would never have had those 11 years of love together. She would probably have been killed on the road, like her brother was, as he didn't chose to move in with us.
I think there will always be guilt sometimes, but as Ken says, it is the good parents who suffer the most.
Take care, Judith

Wow what an impressive post, with every body so eloquent, I can totally relate to all that was said here and K9pal's &%^ysis of guilt is just SO exact! We do go over and over and over all the whats and ifs and hows and whys, as if it has to leave a mark on our psyche, I am sure that if there was such a thing as reincarnation where I would live a repeat of my current life and be faced with the same dilemma I would automatically .know[B] better, because of this 'mark' forever in my psyche. Perhaps there is in guilt a side that is a sort of continuing attachment to our pets, in an obscure way. Maybe the going over and over is a way to make sure no such mistakes will ever be repeated, with any one we love. Guilt has pointed out my own failures to me. Nevertheless, the guilt has changed me in many ways, one thing for sure, now, whenever others disappoint me, I remind myself that I disappointed one of the, if not the most, important beings in my life and I can more easily accept any disappointments from outside, the hurt that others may bring to me doesn't matter as much, I even welcome it, because it sort of compensates for my own mistakes and this is a sort of wisdom, obtained the hard way.That is not the case for everybody here. I see those who waited too long as better caretakers, personally I have a lot of difficulty in recognizing their guilt, how can you feel guilty for not having been able to end the life of your beloved? I agree that our feeling guilty is proportional to our love for our furkids as Ken Albin has stated I think there are some people who are cruel or indifferent to their pets, whose pets live miserably and they do not feel any guilt at all and never will. Those of us here have guilt because we are our own judges, much harder on ourselves than outsiders would be.

I agree also. You have NO reason to feel guilt. Your cat was suffering and you did the humane thing. There is no point wondering if you decided a day too early or a day too late.

I did read somewhere that sometimes people hold onto the pain and don't allow themselves to feel happy because they feel that they would be betraying their pet and closing the door on the old life. There is a post about "closure" where they discuss if the word means to close the door or to come to terms.

The grief process over a pet can be like for a human, though as radgirl says, most people don't recognize the former kind and you find yourself isolate. There are some pet grief hotlines, mostly veterniary students, to whom you can speak to. If you're interested the link is

http://www.pet-loss.net/links.html#hotlines

k9pal, in the days after Murphy's passing I felt the EXACT same feelings you are describing. First I was wracked with guilt for making the decision to put Murphy to sleep. Then, I had guilt thinking maybe I waited TOO long and kept him alive for my own selfishness! Guilt is awful and I believe causes us needless suffering on top of what we are already going through.

Please don't feel guilty. You did what you thought was best for dear Max! He's looking down from Heaven wishing you would smile

Laney

I found this many years ago and always include it when I send symphathy cards--
I do not know why the same wouldn't apply to our beloved furry kids when they leave us----


When somebody dies, a cloud turns into
an angel, and flies up to tell God to put
another flower on a pillow.
A bird gives the message back to
the world, and sings a silent prayer
that makes the rain cry.
People disappear, but they never
really go away.
The spirits up there put the sun to
bed, wake up grass, and spin the
earth in dizzy circles.
Sometimes you can see them dancing
in a cloud during the day-time,
when they're supposed to be sleeping.
They paint the rainbows and also the
sunsets and make waves splash and
tug at the tide.
They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes.
And when they sing windsongs, they
whisper to us,
“Don't miss me too much.
The view is nice and I'm doing just fine.”

This might be way out on a limb here, but maybe when we feel guilty (when we shouldn't) that's a way of pretending we had any control over the situation in the first place, when we didn't. As human beings, we want to feel in control, we want to feel secure, and maybe by thinking 'if i had done this' or 'if i hadn't done that', things would have turned out the way we want them to. In other words, maybe needless guilt is only a way of berating ourselves for not having the control we so very much wanted but could not possibly have.

Maybe letting go of guilt is just another way of letting go of a control that doesn't exist anyway.

-- Michelle K.

Michelle K, what you have just said makes a lot of sense, thanks for the insight!

Dear k9pal,

That was incredibly astute and wonderfully put. I know how much you loved your baby. We need to save our guilt for the things we truly need to feel guilty about though. After reading your post, something ugly came up for me.

At many times in my life, I have dwelt in the what if, if I had only and the why didn't I know. Like you, I heal from that specific experience and then find a new angle to take on the guilt.

I've had animal friends all my life. Starting with my gorgeous Irish Setters as a child. What I know is that I have loved and treated each of them with dignity, respect and a ton of love. But at times, I have put my needs before theirs, and I wonder about that.

I'm not talking about neglect or cruelty but perhaps, at times, turning a blind eye.

So I'm going to confess something that has plagued me for years. I had a little black cat Toby, who was an escape artist. (I did write about his end in another post, this incident doesn't really have anything to do with his ultimate passing. It happened years before.) We had sliding doors to a fenced patio, where I would let the dogs out late at night or in inclement weather. Despite my efforts, he slipped past me on more than one occasion. It really was very frustrating.

One night after he had escaped yet again, I saw him at the door. I didn't let him in. I was angry with him and angrier with myself.

I was listening to the radio, curled up on the couch with a good book and a glass of wine. A song came on, I have no idea of the artist or the t*itle - but it was about a little black cat left alone in a winter storm. A kitten (a mouse?) sees him and curls up against him for warmth. I remember some anthromorphization but the jist of it was that the little cat told the kitten/mouse stories, calmed his fears and promised to take care of him and that he would be alright.

In the morning, the little one was fine but the cat had passed in the night. This dopey little song hit me like no other. It was almost as if the message was only for me. I thought I would die. I can't remember ever being intentionally remiss with my babies. I ran to the sliders. He wasn't there. He wasn't on the patio but when I looked from the kitchen window, there he was, curled up against himself for warmth as snow began to fall. Delicate white snowflakes stood out against his beautiful black fur.

Of course, I went outside and scooped him up and tucked him into the blanket with me. I felt so terrible. Some might find it benign, others positively horrific. Both feelings I understand because I share them about my behavior that night.

I don't know if I feel better having told that story. But what I do know is how much it helps to really look at our own behavior honestly, insightfully and learn from what has happened.

k9pal, you have shown nothing but kindness and sensitivity here, to us, virtual strangers. I can only imagine the depth of your devotion to your Max. And you have shown me how to own what I can and let go of the rest.

Thank You!
Sharon

Radgirl, I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I hope that you are hanging in there also. I hope that some of the new friends that you have through your daughter also have some furryfriends so you can have someone to confide in. Ken, I agree with your entire post. I don't know why but your post reminded me of the serenity poem. God grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, The courage to change the the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Judith, I think that you were Furry's guardian Angel. Not only did you save her but you also gave her a wonderful life. Toonie, You got that right our babies passing sure did leave a mark on our phyche. It sure does mess with your head. I'm glad that your experience has made you stronger. Isn't there a saying, somtimes you have to be broken down, to be built up. I just wish that we were all broken down in another way. I would so rather not of learned that leason. Paris, I do feel like I betrayed Max, I let him down, and that I didn't protect him. But what can I do what is done is done. I know deep down I did everything I could for him , but I still feel guilty. I'm aware of it's effect so I think that's a start. Laney, I know isn't it just so crazy the way we just keep blaming ourselves. Your absolutly right, it sure is needless suffering. Mistletoe, The view is nice and I'm doing just fine. I like that line the most. Thanks for sharing. Michelle K, I so wish that I did have the control, then he would still be here, and I would be happy. I guess guilt and and control does go hand in hand. Sharon, I think we all look back at those blind eye moments. Just another way to make ourselves feel guilty. We could do a million wonderful things for our babies and what do we do , we beat oursleves up over the few times that we were less than perfect. I know there were times when I would yell at Max to go upstairs to go to bed because he would sit at the bottom of the steps and whine, because he wouldn't go up to bed without me. If he wanted to go up and he wouldn't until I went with him. So I would yell and point go up to bed Max, he would go up for about 2 min. then come back down and sit in front of me with his head down and stare at me with those sad eyes.Then I would feel bad and I would pet him and tell him what a little bogger he was and he would get happy and go lie on his couch and wait patently. I know I was mean, but now it's a fond memory because it reminds me just how wonderful he was. Thanks for your kind words to me and thanks to everyone for your support. Take care K9pal