Hi I had to take my beautiful cat Nelson to the vet today as he has been losing weight and vomiting and has now gone off his food - and the vet told me he has lymphosarcoma in his digestive system and the prognosis is nil and did I want to put him down immediately or run some tests to confirm the diagnosis. I am so devastated. I couldn't put him down there and then - I said I need a bit more time but he said I haven't got long - maybe one or two days. I can hardly breathe at the moment. This cat and I are inseperable - there is almost a spiritual connection and I cant imagine a minute without him in it. How can I ever put my baby to sleep. I know it is for his sake but I don't think I am strong enough to do it. He is sitting here on my lap while I write this with tears pouring down my face - this is one of the most terrible things I have ever had to do. How will I live with the guilt afterwards. How does anyone know the right time. I have never loved another pet like I have loved this boy. He is the sweetest natured cat you could ever meet. Even my friends who hate cats always end up liking Nelson - he is sort of like a dog in his dovotion. I have had him from 4 weeks when he was dumped in a carboard box and we have hardly ever been apart. I really dont think I can actually do this.

All I can say is that I'm terribly sorry and that you are in my prayers. I know how you feel as I'm scared to death of the same thing with my precious Babe. I know the time is coming and it is just awful.

Thank you for your reply - it helps to know there are others out there who do understand. It is so hard to know where the line is - am I keeping him alive for me or him. How do I actually put down this animal that I cherish. I feel like a complete wreck at the moment. Maybe the vet is wrong and I should have investigations done but is that fair to put him through that.

Hi Kips, I am so sorry you and Nelson are going through this!!!!!

I know what you mean about having a connection and a closeness that you described. A lot of people just wouldn't understand.

Could you maybe have some tests done to confirm? Although, I hate to say, it does sound like sweet Nelson's body is giving out. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS THOUGH, Nelson's spirit will always exist, and when he does get to that realm, he'll know only bliss. And you'll be together again. The hard part of course is for you. Your spirit is still going to be living in your body, and Nelson will be all spirit, so you will feel the separation even though, I believe, he will not.

No one ever knows when is the "right" time to make that decision to have a pet "p*t to sl**p". Someone on this site talks about how if you feel it's time, you love them enough to take on their pain so that they can be without pain---something like that. I've been in situations where I know I waited too long, and in situations where I acted too hastily. But I trust that my babies understand that I did what at the time I thought was right, even if it's the case that now, if i could go back, I'd do things differently.

I'm sending you prayers that you and Nelson will feel when it's time. Please come back here and share how you and he are doing. Remember, nothing will ever break that bond that you 2 share. Death of the body isn't strong enough for that!

God bless you,
Love,
Kathy

Kathy I have just got up from trying to sleep and I just feel so sick with grief and I haven't even lost him yet. There he is, sleeping on my feet, still purring everytime I look at him and I wish it was me not him that was being put down. He is such a huge part of my life. I have been almost obsessed by him since the moment I saw him. I have had and have lots of pets but Nelson has always been my special one. No matter what my heart always lifted when I saw him and I just cannot believe he is going. I am so angry and scared. He is a real talker that will always answer me and he is now too weak to even talk, just purring to acknowledge me. I dont think I have even been mad at him once in nearly 15 years, I just adore him to the bottom of my soul and the world will be so much less with him not in it.

For some reason I just re-read my earlier reply, and one of my comments looked odd to me, so I wanted to clarify it just in case it looked that way to anyone else.

The comment about separation: I meant that I believe Nelson (and all our other precious babies) will be feeling only bliss, not the pain of separation that we have to feel when we lose someone.

Thinking of you.

I know what you mean. The anticipatory/pre-loss grief is the worse. I keep on looking at Babe and just watch her breathing (she has cancer that metastasized to her lungs ). I've had her for 17 years - picked her out as she was being born. When I think ahead to the future - even to Christmas - all I can think is "Babe won't be here." I'm going through what you are, so know you are not alone. I know that nothing can be done to make you feel better. It's just horrible.

Kips, I am so so sorry for you and Nelson and I know how cruel the suddenness of this is. My heart goes out to you and I wish I had the words you need,I don't think there are any, We are supposed to try and do whats right for our babys and we are left to suffer through it mostly alone, whatever you decide will be out of love so it will be right , I hope you come here and find some comfort no one can take the pain away but all here understand. You poor thing my heart is just breaking for you, please know you are both in my thoughts.
Carolyn

I know exactly how you feel. Two years ago, I was left with two beautiful furbabies. My other three wonderful dogs had passed on to Rainbow Bridge. My Border Collie Katie was dying, she had had several strokes, gingivitis and was becoming totally incontinent. My crossbreed, Hesta, was still relaitvely fit for her age, (they were both 17) but she had never ever been alone for a single day. I knew that Katie was suffering and for days I lived with the knowledge that soon I would have to send her to Rainbow Bridge. I also had to make a decision about Hesta. She was not eating and spent all her time washing and cuddling Katie. She knew the end was near and she was becoming quite ill. I eventually made the decision to have both my babies put to sleep. I knew that Hesta would pine without Katie. That was two years ago and I still hate myself for what I did but I know it was the right thing for my girls. They are playing together at Rainbow Bridge and they will be with the rest of the family, Gracie, Harvey and Benson, mother and two sons. I love them dearly, always will and I will never forgive myself but I know I made the right decision. I could not stand by and watch both dogs suffer.
I know you will make the right decision for your beautiful friend and YOU WILL BE REUNITED AT RAINBOW BRIDGE, then you will spend eternity together. He loves you so much. My prayers and love are with you

Thank you all so much. I keep wishing he would just go to sleep and I wont have to make the terrible decision and then the waiting for the vet to arrive and then I feel guilty wishing that. Then I panic that maybe it is something that could be fixed but I so badly dont want to put him through any pain now. I have a friend who adores animals but she feels very strongly that we must never put them down and they must go in their own time so now I am so torn about what to do. I dont want him to suffer for a second but I also dont want to miss a second of his life. How do I deal with the guilt of ending his life when I would die to protect him. I feel like it will be me killing him. I know its insane but he's my baby and I cant even imagine another 40 years on this planet without him. I am so scared I will forget the day to day bits of him that are so etched into the way I live. He always has some of the milk from our breakfast cereal and he meows unrelentingly until we give him the bowl and he comes up and puts his head forward to be kissed on the head. He is such a gentle beautiful boy, so trusting and so affectionate. I love the smell of him, I love the way he always walks with his tail straight up. I love the way he comes to me when I call no matter what he is doing. I love the way he always comes to greet me when he hears my car come home. I just love him so much and I cant let go.

Now I am sitting here doing the maybe I caused the cancer, maybe if I had tests done earlier we could have found it and had him treated, maybe he's been in pain for ages and I haven't realized. What sort of owner am I. I also took in a stray cat and her kitten 15 months ago and she has stalked Nelsie when ever she got the chance and now I feel terrible that he has had to put up with her in his last year. I have been on the internet and one article said that one of the vacinations may cause the cancer and also if he had irritable bowel syndrom it can turn to lymphosarcoma so now I feel like the most disgusting owner in the world. All the beautiful memories are being swamped with guilt and pain. It just hurts so much.

Ohh Kips please don't torture yourself,all the what ifs won't do anything but hurt you more ( and I have alot of them) I read somewhere that theres a vacine for what killed my Kasey and I am riddled with guilt and what if's. You know how much you love Norman and anything you do or did was for that love.
As for the friend well my story is my husband more importantly Kasey's daddy believes the same way and Kasey was his first Kitten and a gift from me.In the span of 9 hours we went from having a beautiful happy loving Baby to being told no hope.I tried despratly to make it his dicission, as I just di not want to be the one, he could not do it! and wanted to bring her home,Kips I looked at him and I looked at my poor sweet Kasey struggling to breath and I made it, it was bar-none the hardest most gutwretching thing I have ever done and now I deal with it(Badly) and live with it. Its a horrrible thing to have to decide and you have to do what you think is right in your heart for Nelson and you. its never a good outcome, I second guess myself daily,was it her pain or mine that made me decide to end it,was it my love for her or my fear of dragging it out and not being able to cope,never a good ending. I'm sorry if this is long I guess I just want you to know you do what you think is best for Nelson and that will be right for him. I am soo sorry your having to go through this.
In my thoughts
Carolyn

Carolyn thank you for taking the time to write. The photo you have on your post is so like my Nelson it is spooky. Yes I am still wrestling with my decision. At this stage he is still walking (albeit slowly) and drinking small quant*ities and he still purrs and looks up at me when I say his name (probably to tell me to stop # his head with my tears) so I cant bring myself to ring the vet yet. He doesn's seem to be in any pain but I know sometimes it can be hard to tell with cats. His eyes are still bright and clear. I guess I will wait until there is a sign and then I will have to make the decision. I cant believe how quickly this has all happened, even on Saturday I didn't realize he was so sick. I cant imagine how I will fill the gap this little guy will leave as I have worried and stressed over him every day of his life. I have hated leaving him for any length of time and never left without making sure I knew where he was and that he had plenty of food, water and a warm bed. It drove my husband mad. He was never allowed to sleep outside so there was many a night I was out with torches trying to find him until all hours. I feel so terrible that only about two months ago we discovered his dew claw had grown into his foot pad. I cried I felt so guilty. Poor little guy. I have fed him steak and the most expensive cat food he likes all his life. What ever Nelson has wanted I have done and yet I still feel guilty that I should have done more, kept him well for longer. One of my kids when they were about three said Mummy loves Nelson the most in the whole house. I quickly informed her that that was not actually true but I have truly adored him so much. There is a weird connection there that I have not had before or since with my other pets (that I love to bits). Do others feel this, almost like its a person. Maybe I am losing my mind. And has anyone "felt" their pets after they are gone. I am finding it hard to breathe when I look at him and know I only have him for hours. This is one of the cruelest things to deal with.

Dear Kips, I know what you are going through I too felt that my relationship with Yukon was unique and went back over time, as if we had always lived side by side through the ages and that relationship was so familiar in my life it was unbearable to imagine being without it. Whenever I woke up in the middle of the night and felt he was lying quietly at my feet all the world was right. I too gave him all I could, although I now go through guilt remembering certain moments where I was too busy to give him all the companionship he wanted. On the other hand I remember doing so much for Yukon, for example, being ridiculized by many because when we last went overseas to see our family we'd paid several thousand dollars more for the trip to be shorter than 7 days, with only 3 days visiting and 2 days getting and returning, but it was worth it for not being separated for any longer than absolutely necessary. I still remember Yukon hugging my thigh when we came back as if to say :now don't you never leave again, please! I have guilt also that I mistook his diabetes symptoms for aging. When his companion Felix died of heart failure, Yukon took a bad turn and his diabetes made him lame and blind at times, he was truly miserable and his eyes looked so sad, he looked as if he was congested but maybe they cry like we do, without the tears...He was no longer a happy cat and I feared for his future, he had lived so happy all his 13 years and suddenly he was ill and grieving his brother, he also needed to have teeth cleaned and some perhaps removed. Though I had waited too long to put Felix to sleep, when I saw how relieved Felix looked as he was leaving us, I saw it had been the best thing I could do for him. But I wish I had not been influenced by this experience and waited to put Yukon to sleep and have it done at home. Even though my intentions in putting him to sleep were all in his interest, I didn't want him knowing sadness or misery in his life, what was the worst was that Yukon realized that he was being put to sleep and I disappointed him to the point that he didn't even want to look at me anymore. I will always feel that he felt I was getting rid of him and this is my worst grief. I felt so, so much guilt from that last hour, it sort of cancelled out any memories of the life we had know together. I would have preferred that he saw how, like others here on this site, I couldn't do it, I think it's perhaps better to wait too long than do it too soon. Felix had gotten to the point where he wasn't eating and hardly drank, he looked like he was exhausted, his expression seemed to say I've had it! It was the right thing to do when we took him to the vets and he sensed what was happening he actually communicated to me that it was all right, he put his little paw on my hand and looked sweetly at me as if he was saying: mom it's okay, I want to go.
So my advice would be that if Nelson is still purring, if his eyes are normal then you have a bit of time left to love each other. Better that they have a bit of physical pain but feel loved all the way through. Felix suffered more than Yukon but he felt loved right up to the end. Poor Yukon didn't suffer as long but he felt that because he was ill I got rid of him. How awful. It really didn't help me grieve. I hardly could sleep for months. About 2 months after Yukon was gone, in the middle of my guilt, I had a dream that Yukon was scratching at the side of my bed and meowing plaintively, I think it meant that he wanted me to just feel love for him, no guilt, that he understood now and that he had forgiven me, that we should just go on loving each other until we could reconnect. I'm doing better with this. I tell you this because it is my story. Kips, I hold you tight and give you a big hug. It is such a hard hard thing, we all tell you our stories here but you are the one who knows Nelson best and whatever your decision it will be yours and Nelsons. Big hugs to you both.

I can just imagine the tears and the heart pounding anxiety over this dillema. I remember what that feels like. Not from my most recent loss. (For death came for Spike) It is over a decade ago when I wresteled with the same decision. I bet your stomach is so upset you can barely eat. The one I chose for is a black and white cat known as Pj. I had him from 5 weeks up until that moment. My choice was to have him put down. Why did I do it. His kidney's failed him and his mind it just wasn't right anymore. He'd try to go forward when there was a wall in front of him, as if it were a hallway before him. Due to this going on for a while, I did have his life ended at the vets. I can't really say what guided me to that choice, only that I knew it wasn't going to be getting any better and that his mind wasn't his anymore. It just wasn't there. He didn't purr. He couldn't control urination. It was all on me to make the choice. I chose to. And that mostly is due to those critical reasons. Brain function and that two major organs were no good to him anymore. It could have been days, it could have been weeks but it would have been soon to that point, where he would have suffered. Obviously after unhasty thought, I chose to have it done.

Pardon this for being an article Kips. I just want to offer as much the similar experience as you are going through, and just as important its contrast.

Of the guilt, should you chose to it will hit you like a hammer. Bringing your little friend to the vet. The moment you sign the waver so the vet may. Those last remaining moments together and when it is happening and long after it is over with. I didn't passout but, I did collapse to the floor on my knees before Pj after. Judging by your passion for this wonderful little friend of yours, you will to. I spent a while in the same room while being consoled by one of the staff. I can see the same for you, should you choose this path for Nelson.

Now you say he purrs still. If there is pain, it so far would not seem it interferes Nelson's pleasure of being with you, based off of what you stated. This, were it me would cause certain reservations against putting him down so soon. Drinking water, meaning to me some will to live for a little longer. And with any luck, he could be at home when the time comes. For some it works out that way. More than I ever thought.

Spike and Pj, two wonderfuly different critters. Pj, I knew what I was doing and what would transpire for him the night of his death. For I was the one to choose. For Spike, it was a little different, he went into the hospital with high hopes within only a few days until he went into cardiac arrest when I was making my way there to bring him home. They tried and tried alot to return him. I love him. When I arrived they asked, do I want them to keep trying. A part of me, wanted "Yes". Here I was faced with the power to put his body through more or the power to let release the pain.

I am in no way, trying to make this about my experiences, just so you understand. It is my hope that it will help center your decision making. Guilt, either way you will experience. Two different experiences though. Pj, a decision was made. I made it. I made it before getting to the vets. Spike, things looked in the green and then the rug was pulled out right from under him. They tried like I said, and I had to choose then too. For Spike, death was coming for him at that point. The guilt I feel over Spike is not that I chose to let him go. It is over, "What else could I have done? What did I do wrong?"

Guilt is inevitible Kips. Either way you will experience it. All but one are telling me it isn't my fault right now about Spike. And as much sense as it may make that it may not be, I am still feeling it. You likely will to, no matter what. It is going to take you a long time too, I can tell. I will say this though, it will ease. It took a very long time over Pj. Months infact. You will get through it. Whichever way it goes. For Pj, I felt the guilt of being the executionor, if you will. The judge over life and death. For Spike, it is more, "What did I do wrong during his life."

Your words here convey your pain well. I can relate so well to you. Be well and choose carefully. Your heart sounds so big for Nelson that I am sure each moment of his life, you will know what to do then and there. I do not think you will make the wrong decisions in the near future or later with Nelson. You present so much love for Nelson, I can tell.

Take care Kips.

Thank you all for your wonderful support during this. I slept on and off last night, checking on Nelsie - terrified he would die, terrified he wouldn't. Bless him he is still here, making his little hello meow when I touch him. I want to be near him and yet I can hardly bear to keep looking at him. I keep taking lungfuls of his fur to try to remember his smell but I know I wont be able to remember it exactly. I am so scared of forgetting parts of him which are now so familiar, so much a part of my life. He has never failed to lift my spirits when ever I saw him. Of everything in my world my love and passion for him is just pure - no arguements, never anger or resentment just the fact that we totally adored each other. I know I will never experience the magic of Nelson ever again and while I feel blessed to have had it it is a terrible thing to let it go

I had a panic attack last night that maybe the vet got it wrong and he has a bowel blockage that would have been fixable and not cancer. I had him immunised three weeks ago and the vet (my normal one was away) said he was doing pretty well and didn't pick up any bowel cancer. How can this happen so fast. My husband says he would be more acutely ill with a blockage not just fading away but I am so distressed. He says I am in denial and I guess I am. Even if it is a bowel blockage could I put this little guy, so thin, through major surgery to correct it and risk losing him that way. I will ring the vet this morning and try to get some reassurance even though they probably will think I am a nutter.

My little guy is so beautiful. My world will be so flat without him.

I have just spoken to the vet and now feel so terrible. Apparently they are 99percent sure it is lymphosarcoma of the bowel and it probably started a few months back. The worst bit is that I had no idea he had cancer and I had him vaccinated 3 weeks ago (I have always been so fanatical about it, trying to stop him from dying from something preventable) and she said it may have made the cancer flare up as from the immune response to the immunisation. I feel sick. I would never have vacinaated him had I known and I am so mad at myself for doing it. There was no need as he virtually never left the house so why did I have to be so stupid. I know the eventual outcome would still have been the same but I would have had more quality time with him. How will I ever live with the guilt of causing this. I try so hard to be a responsible owner and bang I have made it worse.

There is no way you could have known that that shot would do that. Actually it kind of bothers me that your vet told you that. Even she wasn't positive because she said it "may" have caused it to flare up. Regardless, it was not your fault and you must not punish yourself! It is going to be hard enough going through the whole grieving process.

Nobody can tell you what to do except follow your heart, all I know is when the vet told me my Sadie's health would decline rapidly, and that all I could do was prolong it a couple of days I made the decision to let her go. I've never made one as hard, and I would do it again, because when it is a choice between us suffering and them, it really is no choice at all.

Take care
John B

Hi again Kips. I am glad you found rest. Rest is very important during these times. Of the quote, That's just it. "Had I known". I know those same three words well. Alot of us do.

Had I known, whenever said by someone implies they had no prior knowlage until after. So without having the proper knowlage of a situation, you must ask yourself this. How would it have been possible to take a different coarse of action without prior knowlage?

In other words, your judgements can only be based on the knowlage you do have at the moment during any coarse of action. I have had to argue so many times in life, over one thing or another, that 'That I cannot fix something if I do not even know there is something wrong yet.'

I had a friend once say to me, life is a series of experiences and events. It is so true. And that is how knowlage is gained, the only way. So, please do not be mad at yourself. On the other hand, I know it is easier said than done.

I do not know you but, I can tell you are incapable of making the wrong choices for this Nelson. You will and probably have always, made careful choices for your little friend. That is my intuition on that.

Take care. I will be wondering how things are going.

Hey Kips, There are many that you say remind me of my situation, One being that I have had many many little ones and a few with tragic endings, but somehow Kasey and I had that bond that I have never had before and fear I will never again,perhaps it was that i was always with her, an hour here and there but I was a stay at home mom with her, maybe because she was just so in tune with what I needed at the time, we were constant companions,we played ,we walked, and took special car rides to the toy store,(everyone loved her there) her's was so very sudden mere hours from having a treat to leaveing us while daddy held her and I kissed her head, I had her spayed I week before and the vet told us the stress probly brought it out as well, the guilt the horrible guilt of not only bring out lukemia but the guilt of putting that poor baby through the stress of surgery, Our older girl Sydney had not been fixed and I felt guilty and was so relieved that Kasey would not have to go through the trama of heat, she and Syd had there's done the same day, I wont go into the horrible last few hours with her, and I am trying so hard to deal with things,, I just fell so much for you and your Nelson I have been thinking of you both all day,I just wish I could help, just know so many here want to listen and share with you in this awful time.
Carolyn

Oh Dear Kips and Nelson,

I have no perfect words to say to you other than I understand, we have all been there, you are going through the process and its just hell on earth, nothing worse, just love him honey while you have him, try not to cry, you will have plenty of time for crying, love him give him what ever food he wants, take these moments and just hold him tight, try not to feel guilty you had no way of knowing, I also am angered that the vet would say that to you, can't she be a bit more sensitive at this time especially...its what we all do, we try to do our best and I can tell he is one pampered and loved kitty and he will always be with you, no matter what, I know that sounds dumb and cliche, I am not even sure thats how you spell that word, but its true since you are so connected he will always be with you forever honey, my boy is always with me, he went down hill so fast, but really as I look back was going down hill way before that, and I wonder now if I didn't see it for what is was, was blind to his discomfort, I just hope he didn't suffer b/c I waited. You never know, but I do know that Nelson loves you beyond the world, as another poster mentioned, no matter what, try to just love him honey, no more tests and poking, try to just keep him as comfortable as possible, and I know you are doing that, Peace, love and prayers, my heart breaks for you, Love, Tory, Hrudey's Momma

Oh I wanted to mention about strength, honey you will make it and do it all for him, somehow the body acts without complete comprehension, I remember standing in the room after my boy died just holding him and talking and kissing him and crying and not wanting to leave...but I did, eventually... the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I did, and I feel that somehow you will make it and do what you have to for him, I am sure of that... have faith in yourself...wow now I am crying...take care and love to Nelson....

Thank you all of you. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face as I read all your wonderful words. Whilst it takes none of the pain away it just helps to know other people do understand the depth of my despair. Nelsie is going down this afternoon, still purring when he sees me but no food, just a little water. I just took him outside and we lay in the grass together for about an hour and I found that very calming. I talked, he listened. Oh god the hole he is going to leave is so so big. A wonderful friend who is a real animal lover said to me today on the phone that Nelson is the nicest cat she has ever met and it came from her heart. I am starting to feel quite panicy as I know the time is getting closer every minute. I already feel so hollow. I know I will eventually "move on" but I feel as if I will never be truly happy ever again with him gone. Where has the last 14 and 3/4 years with him gone? He has been there with me during some really sad times and at those times he was often my only shining light. I feel like I am being ripped apart. I am so sorry as I know you have all been there too and it just so awful.

Dear Kips,

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I know first hand the grief and confusion. In the end, I berated myself for every walk I postponed, every cross word I said and every time I didn't do my absolute best for him. (Sometimes when I write, I am thinking of one particular pet;this is not to take away from the love I have for All of them , and is not in order of importance).

I said to one of the folks responsible for his adoption once, "I feel so bad, he had such a hard life." at which point she started to laugh and said, he's been with you for over ten years and knows nothing but your loving devotion to him and to the others. I knew she was right.

He was fourteen when we made the painful decision, and we postponed as long as we could. When he looked at me with despair in his eyes, I knew what I had to do.

I may have mentioned it here before, but we gave him a sedative before taking him to the vet, he went to sleep on his bed with all of us around him. My last memory is of him looking up at me and giving a little wag of his tail.

For a moment, he was the skinny little guy who landed on my doorstep shaking and drooling, with a very bad haircut in 1994. It was sort of like what they say it's like when we die, when the memories rush through.

But I loved him Kips, like you love your Nelson and nothing is finer than that. My dog died as an adored and cherished friend.

A friend who is "connected" has said more than once that there is quite a crowd around me, both two legged and four. I do feel him near me still. We are all energy and energy does NOT cease to be, it only changes.

I wish you love and strength and can assure you that there will come a time when you can reflect on his wonderful journey without incredible pain.

Kips, I am so sorry to hear the time has come for your Nelson, and I am thinking of you today..I am sure Nelson would thank you for thinking of his suffering over your own, Its so damn hard to do the right thing! My heart goes out to you.
Carolyn

I have had a really bad night, almost no sleep and all night long thinking I have done something to make this happen or make it worse. Why did I buy him different cat food last week, did I let him get hungry etc etc. It goes on and on in my head. Maybe the cat food was off (we have not had the recalls here in Aust. but it got me thinking) - I should have been cooking for him not feeding him commercial stuff. I feel terrible this morning. Very shaky and dizzy with uncontrollable trembling. I feel so cold and cant get warm, even with heaters on. Its sort of like shock I guess. I am wandering around the house, aimlessly, but unable to stop moving and rocking when I sit. I feel like I am really losing it. Maybe I need some medication to help me get through this or does that just delay all this to later. Look how selfish I have got - this post is nothing but a post about me me me. My Nelsie is still here this morning but weak. Still meows and loud purrs when I go to him but now that is just hurting me so bad. If I am like this now how much worse does it get when I let him go. Thank you all for just being there with me.

Kips, Its ok to let yourself feel, and you can't stop it anyway, Nelson is almost at the end of his suffering, but yours is just begining,Tae the best care of you that you can,never fell bad about what you type, come here and cry and scream and let it out,(my post ramble on and on but I cant help it) it wont take the pain away but it seems to help a it to get it out and to know those who read it understand, and care. I cant think of a thing to say to help you through this nightmare, but I care and will always listen, I wish you strenth for today.
Carolyn

Oh dear Kips, I'm so sorry for where you are. It's an awful place, isn't it? In 2002 I had to put down my lovely Tinsica. I'd had her for 18-1/2 years, we'd been through *everything* together. I dreaded and dreaded and dreaded what I knew I had to do. She was in kidney failure and becoming so weak. She purred though, and I knew she had lived so long because she loved me so much.

Finally I made an appointment for the next day at the vet. Spent the longest night of my life grieving my last moments with her. (Big mistake -- once you decide it's time, do it the same day and get it done, that Last Night is excruciating.) I hardly slept, and woke once to an abrupt change of heart, "one more week!" She immediately climbed down off the bed and peed on the floor. "No Mama, this is miserable, and I need to leave now." On the way to the vet's I was in a suspended state of shock. Fortunately, there's a lot of numbing in that, which helped. I was numb on the way home. Felt nothing. (Helps while driving.)

Once home, the freshet of grief burst through and I howled like a madwoman. As I held her, stroking her impossibly soft fur, it suddenly dawned on me how long it had been since she'd really let me pet her. It must have hurt her or been uncomfortable. It took about 4 hours for me to finally finish burying her.

But here's what I want you to know: even though the grief was so painful, there was relief in there too. Finally the anticipation was over. I had finally gotten past the point I was dreading for so long. The grief was more intense, because it was finally released, but it didn't necessarily hurt any worse. Does that make sense? The volume was turned up, but the tune was the same.

I came to understand I had waited too long with Tin, and the following year with Cheddar we timed it just about right. Waiting a day or two longer doesn't change the outcome. Once you get past it, an extra 24 or 72 hours won't have mattered, only the knowledge that you loved him enough to help him shrug off a tattered, ailing body and set him free into a frisky peaceful new adventure. My very best to you both, Kimberly

I know you are right but getting the time right seems to have become the only thing I can focus on. At the moment he is weak but still eating tiny amounts of fillet steak and drinking and I have him sleeping next to a heater and he seems old and tired but comfortable. He just seems very frail. He is still greeting me and purring but very shaky on his feet. I am terrified he is starving to death. I know the outcome but I just cant look into that face and make those beautful trusting still inquisitive eyes dim. I am pathetic. I think I just need a sign from him and I will make that decision but at the moment it just feels wrong. He still occasionally walks out from my bedroom to see what is going on - he always was a huge stickybeak and had to be in the middle of every occasion. I have cancelled everything so I am home with him and we have had some lovely cuddles. I think if it was me, even though I do believe in euthanasia for people as well, I would still be happy to be going on like he is - warm, loved and being fed all my very ###### foods. I know they hide it well but he does not seem to be in pain yet - that will be the turning point for me because I have never allowed anything to hurt him and he is too beautiful a cat to let suffer. I keep telling him he can go if he wants. With my dog Tilly two years ago I did leave it too long but I was giving her one last chance on a change of medication which did not work - she died in my arms after a very sad three days - me willing her to get better with every breath. A friend of mine has Tilly's brother and he also has a heart murmur and the change of meds have given her an extra wonderful two years so I had to do it but I still feel so sad about her last days. I guess that will give me strength with Nelsie to let go earlier rather than later.

Kips

Kips, given what you're going through you are doing extremely well. Your thinking is very logical, you are the best, I don't think Nelson is suffering too much, probably the one who is suffering the most is you because I know how cruelly difficult all this is for you, but you are an admirable woman and Nelson is very lucky to have you as caretaker. Hugs and much love. Sending you positive waves, take care.

Our Daddy cat had a lymphosarcoma in the small intestines. If you want to help verify it without putting your cat through too much stress, you can have them do an ultrasound. It will give them a good idea if it is cancer or something else. Until then, forcefeed if necessary. Hills Prescription Diet A/D is high in calories and can be bought from the vet.
Whatever happens, my thoughts and prayers are with you both. You will get through this and do whatever is necessary. If there is any help they can give him after the test, I'm sure they will. Otherwise, be strong for Nelson and help him to pass easily.

I am so sorry for you having to go the pain you have had over the last few days. Nelson sounds like such a sweet little guy. Misty and I were also inseparable, and he was very doglike.

I know it's tough for you right now, please keep coming back for support. This was one of my few outlets I had by people with similiar experiences who can understand what the loss of Nelson means to you. I will be thinking of you and sending support your way....

Misty's Mama