I started this topic on the Missing and Lost thread, but now that I have come to believe my precious Twitchit is dead, I am moving my story over here. When I still had hope, I couldn't bear to read the stories with sad endings -- I needed to see the "he came home!" ones.

I found this website a year ago after losing my precious baby Mink kitty to a car.
(A soul-rending loss I'm still not over.)
Three months ago my dad died, and I inherited his wonderful cat Twitchit (see avatar photo). We've adored each other for all of his six years, and I was sooo looking forward to having him in my home. The transition from his house (across the street) to mine was going slowly but smoothly. He's been able to roam at will with his cat-door, and my plan was to get him used to a new cat door at my house, then work toward locking him in at night. (I have three other kitties, one of whom has outdoor privileges when I'm home, and the two youngest -- adopted after Mink's death -- have never been outside.) Twitchit likes all three of my kids, and they like him back.

I let him back out Saturday evening, 6/30, and haven't seen him since. Very odd. Neutered, he didn't tend to roam, and has never stayed away more than a couple nights. Now that six days have gone by, I've been losing hope rapidly.

At first, I heard Dad in my head saying, "it's okay, he's fine."
Then it changed to, "he's fine, he's with me."
I didn't want to believe it as a truth, but it rang deeply in me.

Following a link I found here, I ended up hiring an Animal Communicator psychic. I'm not religious, and I've been trained as an empiricist, but I also know there's far more to the mystic side of things if we just still ourselves and listen. Experiences since Mink's death, and around my father's death have opened me up to trusting my intuitive, instinctual side, and recognizing souls have paths far beyond this physical pit-stop we call a lifespan.

Anyway, the Animal Communicator had quite tried to discourage me from purchasing her service after looking at the sketched map I sent her. There are so many woods, she was concerned that if the message was "I see trees and brush" it would be next to useless. But I hired her anyway.

If you wish to see specifically what she told me, go to the Missing & Lost section, and find my post there today, under the "72 hours gone, starting to freak out" posting. But the upshot is that he was killed by a predator animal. I've been knowing this in my heart of hearts, and now there's nothing else rational left to cling to. I desperately hope I'm wrong, and Hilary said she hopes she's wrong, but Twitch would be home by now if we were. Miracles can happen, and I will gladly celebrate if he returns.

So here I am mourning my third major death in a year. Right now, as I write this, I am numb. Then the grief rears up and slams me again. I've been in various stages of grief for the last 12 months and 25 days, first over Mink, then Dad, now Twitch. I am a strong woman, and make appointments with my therapist when I need to (I suspect I'll be calling her shortly), but how many deaths is a person supposed to be hit with in a year? I said goodbye to elderly kitties in 2002 and 2003, and adopted two beautiful healthy baby boys. When Mink was killed he was only 3 years old.

Right now I'm starting to fear that this run of deaths is never going to end. I'm generally an optimist, but Willow still goes outside (I go back and forth on this, but revoking his outdoor privileges after four years seems cruel, yet maybe I need to do this), and my nephew is being deployed to Iraq soon. I'm starting to feel jinxed?
Kimberly

Dear M&W's Mom,

I will continue to think of you and wish you good things. Despite the pain you have had to endure, you sound incredibly grounded.

I know what you mean about the predator thing. Don't know where you live but am confident you know what lurks there.

I live in the city on the East Coast. We worry about cars and unsupervised animals and ruthless people. My sister is in the hills in Northern California and I can't tell you how many calls I've fielded in the early hours and the crack of dawn on the West Coast that started with "oh, my god, I heard a coyote/wildcat/ whatever up on the hill and I can't find Jet/Buttercup/Henry. A few times, my heart stopped, and I knew/thought one of them was definitely a goner. It was a very creepy feeling - visceral and leaden.

Thankfully, I was wrong. I know, love and visit them all frequently and they are like my own. I think I connected to the fear alone.

Sometimes the most painful parts of our lives is when we learn the most. Take care and know you have done your part.

Sharon

*is there a good Reiki practioner near you? It's as good as therapy, I swear.

I live in rural Western Washington. I've seen coyotes about 5 miles away, but haven't heard anyone speak of one any closer. However, we have raccoons, and apparently they get extra vicious and predatory this time of year when they have their kits. I wish I wish I wish I'd kept him in my house just a little bit longer that evening. Maybe he'd have made a different path when he walked out my door.

I just don't want to do this. I'm so ... 'disappointed' is the word that comes to mind, but it's such a puny, miniscule word to describe how DISAPPOINTED (said with echoes and drumrolls in a booming deep voice) I am that I don't get to have Twitchit become a member of my family, or have him as my buddy as I remodel his house and move in over there. Dreams lost. I inherited my father's waterfront property on a beautiful lake, and I kept telling everyone it was hard to know which was the better part of my inheritance: this stunning waterfront, or his wonderful Twitchit.

Please, can I have my miracle? Can he please come home?
Kimberly

Kimberly,

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for this incredible loss. Twitchit's picture is mesmerizing, he's so handsome!! I can only imagine what he's like on the inside..

Have you checked with neighbors who might have sheds or garages he could have gotten into? I've had cats in the past who have been locked in someone's shed (one for a few weeks) and got out and came home when the person went back into the building.

Not to get your hopes up but just a practical thought in case there are neighbors you can ask or sheds you can check.

If Twitchit has passed on, he is indeed with your Dad , loved and in bliss. And you'll eventually be reunited. In the meantime, sweet Twitchit wants you to be ok in this life and have as much joy as you can. If the roles had been reversed, you'd want the same for him.

Sending heartfelt prayers to you and to Twitchit.
Love,
Kathy

Yes, thank you for the tip. I've asked all neighbors within his usual roaming grounds if they'd humor me and let me check garages, sheds, pumphouses, etc. I think I've hit them all, but I should go back and think if there's any I missed. There are SO many outbuildings here! I have 4 on my property alone, the neighbors up the hill have 3, there are 5 at Twitch's house.

...I can't believe this is happening...
...Again...
...So soon...

Kimberly

Kimberly,

I have not given up hope for Twitchet. I read your post about the animal communicator on the Lost/Missing forum and it gave me a chill. As you know, I do not believe someone can know where a cat is by mental telepathy.

If I understood the story, I am not sure if it is likely that a predatory animal would have been hiding under the building, and even if so, you checked and saw nothing there/heard nothing.

I also researched racoons, and they are not predators of cats. If you think there is a mother raccoon with young, I am SURE Twitchet would stay away. Remember, like my cat, Bennett (a male tiger cat), Twitchet is outdoor savvy.

Cats are so much more detached than we are, that they have no problem being away from us for days or weeks. They also can live outdoors, especially in the summer, with no discomfort.

Kimberly, I pray and hope that you feel the joy of Twitchet coming back. You have been through so much.

Dear Kimberly, I too think that there is hope and I agree with Paris about animal communicators. In the Cyberroom E.M. started a thread t*itled Stange Question, it's about one animal communicator, it was there that I said:''I have been tempted to use communicators but I cant get over this stubborn thought that if any one can access my cat's spirit, it would be me not someone who has never even met my cat.." which doesn't mean that I am right but I think that I may have a point there.....Just so you know, I was just reading in another site where someone paid a tribute to their mama cat who quietly passed away in her sleep, in their garden under a bush at the ripe old age of 18. They mentioned that she had once been gone from their house for 2 or 3 months a long time ago. So, AGAIN, I thought of you and Paris, and the hope you can hold. My prayers go to both of you. Take care, be easy on yourselves. Hugs to you all.

Kimberly,
I also veer betwen the hope and the panic and grief of a missing loved pet. Shadow's ben gone now for almost a month, and nothing seems right. Oh, the regular routine goes on, but no Shadow. I also worry about predators, but the few glimpses I think I've seen of Shadow she flies so fast I can't even be sure it's her. Otherwise, I have no inkling, no one has seen anything, and I just don't want to give up hope but I'm getting to where I just don't know what to do. If I just knew!

I understand - you aren't alone. A slip of the door, a second's mistake, and our whole lives are turned upside down. I just wish I knew what happened, better yet, what will happen. I've heard just the opposite of paris, that coons will go after cats and attack them for their litters, so now I'm really confused. I have seen one coon out there with a leg chewed off and it's muzzle partly gone, so I know they're vicious when they want to be, and I pray that Shadow had no pat of that fight, but she was feral when we got her and I have faith in her instincts.

You're in my thoughts, Kimberly,you and Twitch, and your family. I pray that there is a good outcome for all of you, and if it's not the one you want, it is one which you can learn from and eventualy accept and pass on what you've learned. Please take care - Barb

Mink, willow & twitchit's mom, 5 cats mom, the following is not to argue but to give a bit of reassurance to both of you :
coons and skunks would eat baby kittens because these are helpless and the mother is wise enough to stay back rather than try to protect her litter; usually racoons are unwilling to tackle grown cats.


Fishers are more dangerous to cats than racoons; we have both racoons and fishers here and I have barn cats but haven't lost any to either. If you wonder if you have any fishers close by their description is pretty good on this site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fisher_(animal)

From what I researched, raccoons would not go after a grown cat. I read the following:

The racoon is not a specialised feeder, it eats a variety of animal and plant matter including crayfish, frogs, fish, small birds, small mammals, eggs, snakes, insects, grains, nuts and fruit.

One thing that concerns me is that once again, Willow has lost a buddy. Willow was Mink's brother. When Mink died, both Will and I grieved deeply. I adopted two kittens in Mink's absence, and in retrospect, likely adopted too soon. One of the new kittens dotes on Will, to the point of not giving him a moment's peace. Willow slowly allowed the kitten to cuddle with him, and would groom the kitten.

But now Will's going through a phase of growling, hissing, and once even urinated in frustration (he was cornered by the kitten at the time). It's been percolating all spring.

The respite for Will is when he gets to go outside, and get away from Rohan's smothering attention. Willow and Mink were best buddies outdoors, and I know he missed having somebody to pal around with outside. This winter and spring, he clearly enjoyed it when Twitch came over. Tail high, nose to nose, meandering around the garden. Now Will has lost his outdoor buddy again.

It's quite likely some of Will's upset is prompted by my emotional turmoil. But it's more than that. Even just now, he was growling, and I picked him up and he continued to growl. He's a very scaredy cat, and anything novel alarms him. It's almost like he's autistic: if he comes in the room and I've dropped a pair jeans on the floor, he notices the change and approaches it as if it's a snake ready to bite him.

With yet another companion loss, I'm really starting to worry about him. I've always had magic in soothing my cats, but he's starting to become more and more weird and freaked out and grumpy and inconsolable. Since he was getting along with the kitten better a few months back, I don't know if some of it is related to Rohan getting bigger, or me losing my dad ----so what's Twitchit's death going to do to him???
Kimberconcerned

Hi Kimberly.

I know you're going through a lot, but please don't feel guilty or bad for Willow. I agree that Willow is probably grouchy due to the kitten annoying him, and/or as you say, Willow senses your anxiety. I don't think cats get attached like that to a neighboring cat , or would be upset if that cat has been absent for a week. Cats are independent by nature, which is why they often take off and stroll back in as if nothing has happened.

Our cats sense our tension and are disturbed by it. They also grieve their lost buddies, as much as we do. Probably the kitten is being put in its place and that's okay. But they are also really good at hiding their illnesses:my cat suddenly became bad tempered and urinated outside the litter box all this was due to a probable urinary infection and other symptoms of undiagnosed diabetes, so make sure he is physically healthy, the sooner we see to diabetes or other health problems the better it can be treated. Hugs.

This morning I woke to the sound of tumbling, scrambling -- and saw all three chasing each other. Every time Will caught Roh, he took him to the ground, so I guess he does want to be dominant over Rohan. That's good to see him standing up for himself.

Will is due for his shots. Normally, I give them myself, but I think I'll take him to the vet for a checkup instead. He could have some parasitic thing going, or ear mites or some such -- those would sure make me grouchy.

Has anyone tried the product Feliway spray? It's supposed to calm stressed cats by mimicking friendly facial pheromones. Curious if anybody's had good results.
Kimberly

I have used cat appeasing pheromone in the past with fair success, my late mothers 23 year old was understandably depressed, and frightened when she died, and I feared he would follow her to the bridge very quickly. The c.a.p. helped me to keep him calm, for the length of time it took to reassure him that he was still loved and his routine would not be disturbed. Give it a try.

I feel SO alone. This is different, this is deep, this is bad.

When my dad died 3 months ago, I was handling it pretty well. I knew how ready he was, and I was with him when he died, so I knew he was calm, comfortable, and even a bit excited his ticket was finally getting punched. I inherited his home and his cat. Having Twitch was such a joy for me, and I was SO looking forward to having him in my home, with more opportunities to snuggle and get to know him better.

As I've been preparing to remodel Dad's house, Twitchit was my buddy. Hanging out with me when I tended the garden beds, sitting with me as I sat quietly and absorbed the enormity of the waterfront gift I'd been given. Twitchit and I had been a team in taking care of Dad, and now with Dad gone, Twitch and I were helping each other get past the loss. We were tight.

And now he's gone too. Suddenly, I am feeling more deeply alone than I can ever remember. I've lost such an important link with my father. I am without mooring. Not only am I dealing with Twitch's death, but now there's a whole other layer of being alone in this world without my last parent. After a year of grieving my Mink-kitty's death so deeply, I was relieved to be moving through Dad's death more easily. Now it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

I still have three kitties, but to be honest, I don't have that deep sympatico connection with them that I had with either Mink or Twitchit. Looks like I have some work to do in moving forward and inviting deeper friendships into my life...

"We change not because we see the light, but because we feel the heat."
Kimberly

Hi Your post has really touched me You are grieving not only the loss of a beautiful cat that you were so close to but he was also your chance to still be doing something for your dad. I have friends who had a similiar situation with the death of a beloved son and having his dog. They kept that dog alive with sheer will power till he was about 17 and the grief of losing their son hit them terribly all over again when he finally died. They felt that living connection and responsibility was gone. I hope you will feel that connection to them both from being in that wonderful waterfront house - you obviously have some beautiful memories of them both there. Whilst the memories now are probably too sharp to enjoy eventually you will. Take care. Kips

Wow, hadn't thought of it that way, but you hit the nail on the head. As one friend said when Dad died, "not only have you lost your father, but you've lost your job." Heading across the street to refill his bowl was the same pattern of walking across to tend my dad. This morning, I kept hearing myself apologizing to Dad for not doing better to protect Twitch. You're right, it's not only the connection to Dad, but still doing something *for* him. I had hoped to do this for years, and it ended up only being 96 days.

*sigh*
Kimberly =^..^=

It's now been 16 days. I was thrilled to hear 5catsmom's good news, and I've taken everybody's suggestions. Today, I posted flyers at the grocery store in town, and the convenience store on the way into town. I took flyers to all the local vets, and posted an ad in the local (weekly) paper. After that, it's all up to the gods and Twitchit.

Rather than doing it out of hope, I did it out of need for closure.
Six months from now I don't want to be lying in bed wondering if I left something undone, something that would have brought him home if I'd just....

If he were able to come home, he would have by now. I know I've done my best to find him, and need to just release it the best I can.

On the whole, I'm doing pretty well. It's just another fold in the cloak of grief I've been wearing for the last year. I'd been starting to shrug it off after Dad's death, so I know it's not permanently attached, but dang I'm tired of it. It's a most unstylish shade of gray and it weighs a lot.

On the plus side, I've decided to enclose the lake property with cat fencing before I move over there. That way, Willow, Rohan, and Luna can grow old with me, free of run-ins with predators and cars. I had been on the fence about it (pun joyfully included), but now am committed to creating a home that lets my kids go outside and play safely.
Kimberly

Dear Kimberly, you have the right att*itude and I know that life will be good to you, all will be beautiful because you are. Accept and love life, life will treat you well. Know that you are forever surrounded with the love of your precious people and pets, that is always with you. Hugs.

Hi Kimberly.

I'm going through the same thing as you now. I've been running around posting ads, putting up flyers, etc. for the fear that "if only I'd checked this out". I don't want that nagging feeling either six months from now.

This whole process is difficult because it drags out so long. When do you stop reading the lost/founds? When do you stop looking out the window? Even people whose pets have died go through denial stages, but when your pet is missing the denial stage goes on and on.

Paris.

OH WOW! I JUST HAD A VISIT FROM TWITCH! First one, I've been waiting! I just heard his familiar "thump" as he jumped down off the counter where I fed him. It sounded just like him, and Willow looked up; he heard it too. Then I thought it might be Luna, but I got up and looked and all three cats were lying down quietly. HA! Brings a smile to my face to know he's around.
Kimberly

Oh Kimberly, how encouraging!

Hi Kimberly,
Let us know what happens with this. I know with Shadow I often thought I heard things and was heartbroken all over again when I realized it wasn't what I wanted it to be, but maybe you're more attuned to what you're hearing. I do so hope so. Sometimes, reading this thread, I veer between absolute thankfulness, and guilt, but most often the deep, deep appreciation you all always gave me.

I know that sick feeling when you don't know what's happened. Life turns upside down. I would say this, you did wonderful things for your dad, and somewhere, I know it sounds trite, what comes around goes around.

Paris, I went through the exact dilemma you have when I first lost Shadow. How far do I go, when do I stop questioning my self, what would have happened if I'd gone down that street instead of this one? There were so many nights I actually stayed up all night just tormenting myself, and feeling that it was absolutely deserved. In the end, I was looking in the wrong direction, anyway. If you have a shelter nearby, be diligent about going there, they get to know you and who you're looking for.

I pray that both of you find your beloved ones, and that there are happy endings for you. If I had to compare the pain of losing my dear little Magic and my buddy Groucho to death, or my Shadow to the unknown, the unknown is far worse, because the imagination is so much more fertile and painful and hard to accept. The recovery, I can't even talk about without crying, so I won't, but I so want the same for you, and for all the lost ones out there. Be strong, and take care - Barb

GUILT??? Oh no, no, don't, please don't go there!

Celebrate, dance, hug your baby, pat her on the head, smile, laugh, sing in relief, know gleeful joy, but please don't feel you owe anybody any guilt!!

Would you think I should feel guilt if Twitchit came home? Heck no! So let that one go, cast it to the wind!

All I ask in return is that you love your baby doubly so.
Kimberly

Barb,

Your words of compassion are so important. You know what Kim & I are going through. I don't want to compare to other's pain, but I feel this not knowing is worse than having a pet die. I am in a constant state of suspension, not knowing how to feel . At least if my cat had died (God forbid) I would know how to feel and start to allow my mind to slowly forget. And yes, all sorts of thoughts run through your head.

Different people offer different scenarios, many not very nice. When I called a rescue/shelter operation and told him Bennett was gone over a month, he immediately said "he got killed by a fisher cat". It's funny how some people have this "it's only a cat" mentality.

This is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. I'll tell you one thing, I absoultely pity those parents who have had a missing child and never found them.

Paris,
I remember when this first started, that was an uppermost thought in my mind - that I didn't know how parents whose kids didn't come home made it. As I trudged along handing out leaflets, I thought of all those people at the same time, all over the country, doing the same thing, but with pictures of beautiful children and young men and women on them. I totally understand that, and agree completely. I didn't want to voice it, cause I didn't want to get into that debate so much, but I remember telling my best friend, and she knew that feeling too. That's something I don't know if I could survive.

And Kimberley,
I know guilt is an odd thing to feel right now, but there is a sort of "survivor's guilt" I guess that goes along with this. It's all so jumbled up. I believe it was a true miracle that we got Shadow back at all, and every day I look at her and stroke her (no hugs, she's still too skinny)I do have all those wonderful feelings. But I know you all are in pain, and I so wish I could help. If my only hope to tell you is that yes, there are times when you give up and then a miracle happens, I'm glad for that. I wish you all peace, I wish your babies back, I wish for your miracles too, and I pray every night for them, and for that hole in your life to be refilled.
And P.S. Yes, I do love Shadow doubly so - her "boy" went to college this week, and I'm her new best bud.

Let me know if I can help, and take care - Barb

Bless you both, and take care - Barb

Barb, I didn't mean to imply that guilt was a 'bad' or unusual response -- survivor's guilt is a very understandable feeling -- I was just trying to give you permission to release it!

kim and barb,

see my post on lost/missing forum.

Oh, Kim, I understand that! You and Paris and everyone else have been so darn nice and sweet and supportive when I've needed a release so badly - I just want you to have that same walking on clouds feeling I've had now. And, well, guilt, I come from a family where we kids were sort of weaned on it, it's a lifelong habit. But thank you for your generosity of spirit in making me feel better when you still have so many questions. You have a true, giving heart with no boundaries and I admire that immensely! I think of you and Twitch often and if you don't mind, you both are in my prayers every day. Take care - Barb

Mink & Willows Mom

Shadow and Bennett have made it home. Such great news. I just want you to know we haven't forgot Twitchit or stoped sending him great energy. I think there is great hope he will make it back too. I know you've let go, and how hard it is to hope, but my wish is that his story is as happy as the others.

Love

For those of you following my saga about Twitchit, I've been posting on Lost Pets under "72 hours" and "Bennett is back!" It's now 23 days. After talking with the animal communicator, I was all prepared to accept his death and move forward. But now with both Shadow's and Bennett's return after 40 and ~56 days, hope has bloomed, and every moment I expect to see him on the porch. I'm hoping he's just on a Walkabout, sorting out the loss of his papa, and joining my family with three other kitties. He's deeply bonded with me, and likes my kitties, but it's still a big change for him to contemplate in his sixth year. It's this state of limbo -- very hard to endure. ~Kim

Kimberly, I too have great hope that Twitchit will return. I like how you think that he may be sorting out the loss of his papa, how very cat-like you are yourself. I too wonder if he isn't checking to make sure his papa isn't anywhere around and checking out the world at the same time then he will come back home when he has made sure that all was done for papa. Believe in miracles, believe in angels that will bring him back home, put a symbolic candle in the window. Be good to yourself and to your kitties, continue creating all this beauty and good life with the house and yard,
you are an admirable lady and life will bring you many happy returns, I am sure of this. Hugs.

M and W'sMom,

I'm waiting for your miracle too.

(Given what he went through, a sensible guy just might go on a Walkabout!)

We're holding you in the light over here.

Sharon

Day 27. I've found my way back to that place of dull resignation. Mostly, anyway. I miss him so, he was such a fabulous cat. You can see from his picture how beautiful he was, and he had a bold ...PRESENT... personality to match. If I could do it over again, I'd spend more time with him after Papa died. I didn't hang out with him at his house after the first month because I wanted him to regard my home as the place where he got cuddles and love, so that he'd start seeking it out more often. I could see he was a bit lonely -- I have some guilt over that now. If I'd had ANY idea he was going to be gone a mere 96 days after Dad died, I'd have handled it differently. I thought we had more time to work it out. *sigh*

Dear (((((((Kim)))))))

I just want you to know that I am praying that your handsome guy Twitchet comes home to you very soon....

Peace & Love to you and yours,

Denise

For those of you who have been following the saga of my missing Twitchit, I have the sad ending to the resolution I was seeking, which I've posted under the Lost and Missing thread, "Going to Hire a K9 Search Team." You've all been so supportive, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ~Kimberly

and one more...
he was such a beautiful boy, a photographer's dream...

I do wish I'd known him. I have 2 Norwegian Forest Cats, along with the rescues, which are supposedly related to the Maine Coon - there's a hearty debate whether the one breed is descended from the other or not - and there's a distinct resemblance, but both breeds are absolutely gorgeous and so photogenic. Your Twitch is a ham, though, my 2 would never pose the way he does. He has such an eye for the camera. He's away up there with your Dad, posing away and listening to the clicks of the camera till he gets bored and wanders off to check out the birds. Bless him, the scamp. You take care, Kimberly - Barb