Hi to everyone. I hurt and feel great pain. The pain I can tell many here feel. Wednesday a grey/balck stripe cat by the name Spike died, the cat that I took in 5 years ago. A cat who was very social by nature. A cat that came out from under the bed in his new home, when he came home with me for the first time, in only a matter of four hours and he purred. We bonded hard and fast.

Guilt. Remorse. Pain. Lonliness. Stupid. These things I feel because where I live a flea problem developed but, I never knew how fast a flea problem can go from bad to much worse. I feel responsible for his death because, he seemed just fine and within a matter of days, something went wrong with Spike. According to the hospital report, he became enemic. It also stated that his body seemed to be regenerating the red cells to catch up with the white cells and he was ready to come home. On the way there, one cell phone call changed everything. Mr. Spike went into cardiac arrest. This hospital was trying so hard to get him back and before that, to make him better. I got there and nothing was getting better. So, it kills me everytime of thinking it the last moment together, I told them to let him go. I'd rather not risk a return to life with brain-damage. I would want someone to do the same for me.

I read about fleas and that they can cause enemia, this also confirmed by the hospital. They also said he may have had cancer. Those at the hospital said it isn't my fault but, I feel so much that it is. That I should have forsaw something not good. I don't see how fleas can cause cardiac arrest and I don't think the hosptial staff even implied they were that cause in particular but, I still feel like this whole thing is my fault. Life is important and I feel like I killed him as a result of all these things.

It hurts so so much. And if it is my fault unlike what others believe, how do I cope with that. He may be gone but, I have not let go. I don't even know when letting go will happen. Even though they said he was stable and ready to come home, I feel like the worst caretaker in the world because I feel I should have had the forsight to see this coming and I hate myself for not fixing this.

Sleeping is hard. It isn't that I don't sleep it is that I just don't know when I feel ready to sleep.

He lived for five years and I feel alot more was deserved and that I should have been able to provide a longer life for him and I didn't.

Enough about my pain though. About who Spike was. A loving, friendly to people feline. Greeted me at the door almost every time I returned from going out. Licked me to show effection without being instigated to do so. He'd follow me into the bathroom when I would bathe in the tub and patiently wait. When real young he would even watch me shave me. Sometimes he'd pop his head over the edge of the tub, and if my hand was within range, he'd start drying it with his tongue. Silly, maybe strange but, how nice it was to be cared about. What an honor it is to have had such a small creature look out for me in his own little way, and here I sit feeling I did not all I could to care for him and if I could have, I should have. He was always a healthy cat, no colds or anything. My want is to not be at any fault. What the reality of it is, I don'tk know or don't won't see it.

What a horrible person I must be. I feel like I've gotten what I deserve. Even if I don't, it is my feelings saying I do. And I can't say it enough, it hurts so so much.

Thank you.
Thank you for everyone giving their time to read this.

Oakshil I am very sorry for your loss, you are in for a rough ride but we are all here with you, this site is a harbour for us who have lost our beloved pets. We all go through guilt, like it's been said before here, hindsight is 20/20...We have loved as well as we could. If this wasn't good enough at times, then we will have learned and our knowledge will make us better for the future. But even without the guilt, there is this great pain which has to be assimilated, however long it will take. While we do this, this site is a great place to come to. You shouldn't feel guiltly. You were good to Spike, the hospital knows you were. You did what you could with what you knew. You have enough with the pain of losing your beloved Spike, don't let guilt attack you too.
The pain of losing them is very hard, take care.

Oakshil,
I understand and empathize with your guilt, it's completely normal and it's part of this grief roller-coaster which you're going on now, but we are here for you cause we've all been on it at least once and for some of us multiple times. The pain is always so much worse than you ever expect and you think for awhile that there's just no way you can live the rest of your life without the little beloved soul who was so close to your heart. I've had times where the grief was so great, there were just no words, just a deep agony, and no cure, I could only give in to it. And that would be months later, when I'd congratulated myself on "getting through it."

I don't know much about the flea/anemia issue. I do know that if fleas are present on an animal for a long time, anemia can set in, or on a small animal for a short time, it can be fatal more quickly. It may be that there was a genetic issue with Spike's immune system or his blood, or there may have been a preexisting condition which you didn't know about. Fleas are nasty little things and they do reproduce rapidly if you don't jump on top of the problem the second you know they're present. Don't feel stupid - a few years ago I ignored 2 on one of my cats and ended up with a 3-month long infestation, and that was after I started with the flea control products. I still jump at every little speck I see on my white bedspread. But it's also been my experience that animals I take in, which I don't know the background of, have a higher mortality rate, even if they've had good vet care with me and stayed indoors. My Magic, who was the catalyst for my joining this group of wonderful souls, was a neighborhood stray, had the finest vet care, food, everything, yet died quite unexpectedly at about 5 years of age, and I'll never know why. You just don't know the background, and when that's the case, it may well have been some sort of immune response or cancer type thing - there's so much we don't know about human diseases, let alone cat diseases. I do know that Spike's passing is not, repeat not, a reflection of your care of him. It sounds like your actions were completely appropriate, and whatever happened afterward took even the hospital staff by surprise.

Someone else said something like this on the board somewhere and I'm not sure who it was, but it made a great impact on me and I hope I do her/him no disservice if I misquote, because I don't mean to - Spike would have lived regardless if you had taken the time and trouble to take him in to love and live with, but he wouldn't have had the quality of life and love that he did have, thanks to you. You made the difference in his life, you gave him the love he needed, and regardless of how long or short his life was, that's the important thing.

I'm so very sorry for your loss of Mr. Spike. He sounds like a very unique and funny cat, with a wonderful personality, and you two got on very well. It's natural to blame yourself for his passing, but I don't believe you're to blame and if he were here, I think he loves you enough that he wouldn't want that either. I'm a firm believer (although I know not all folks are) that we eventually reunite with our beloved furry ones. Whether you accept that or not, what you've described is a cat owner who loves a cat dearly, in life and in death. Not a horrible person at all. You're one of the ones who saved a cat - there's no blame in there. You did your best, there's no reason for guilt over how Spike left.

Please come back and let us know how you're doing. This will be a long journey for you, but we're always here. Take care - Barb

I simply must intervene. I wanted to put quotes around the places where you made reference through phrase about your guilt, however, it is so tightly woven within the fabric of your post, I cannot!

I will not speak of examples where I too felt stupid for not seeing somethng for what it was when it came to my furbabies...what I am going to talk about is what others here have zeroed in on already. Being your own judge and executioner allows one the privilege of rendering the harshest punishment on ones self. There should be some kind of law against it. I often refer to guilt in the forum here as a "monster" and of the most hideous kind. No matter what it tells you, YOU have to fight it! You are in a state of mind now with your grief that allows the passage of guilt with ease into your thoughts. It is dominating your life at this moment. I can tell. Your post is drowning in it.

Please listen to the people that came to you here. You MUST smash the notion guilt has put into your head that you could have changed this outcome. I feel close to crying at times while writing this post because you have reminded me much of myself when Chase died. You are second guessing the quality of care you gave your furbaby, your sleep habits have been interupted.....OH MY GOD you must stop before you become ill. If you become sick. guilt most assuradly WILL gain the upper hand and WILL dominate your life. This I know from experience. Please, I implore you, don't do this...Mr Spike came to you for a reason but we can talk of that later. Right now we need to talk about you.

Remorse. Pain. Lonliness..these things you speak of...these are the things you must meet head on, for this is the pain we all embrace here when darkness befalls our furbabies. This is the face of grief. You have no time for guilt because it will keep you from grief. You need to face this pain of grief in order to begin the healing.

Lastly....

This has to end. It should be completely obvious to you from my post and others that you cannot allow yourself to entertain guilt. Please begin to grieve the loss of your loved one.

I will certainly be watching for you, you remind me of me!
Take care my freind and be kinder to yourself than you have been.
Come often and write much.
Tell us about how Mr Spike lived...write about your baby.
Come here and pour out your heart and we will cry with you for we have been where you are and know your pain.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Oakshil. You lost such a big part of yourself. You will cope and come to terms with the loss of your baby. It will be hard because everywhere you look will remind you of Spike. I still cry when I think of how I am without my Sadie in an apartment that seems like life has been literally drained from it...in a way I think it has.

But, Oakshil, do not stay in that guilt trap. It seems we all fell into it and needed some help getting out. You loved Spike and would have done anything for him. You cannot blame yourself for things that happened that were out of your control.

Once again I'm so sorry for the pain and loss you are going through right now.

Take care
John B

Oakshil, I am sorry for your loss. I am suffering a recent loss myself (a week ago) and going through the same kind of emotions you are. I do feel a tremendous sense of guilt for things I did do and did NOT do. The kind folks on this site are helping me to take away that guilt. Come here and read and write. It will help relieve some of that stomach wrenching pain. It sounds like you gave Mr. Spike a wonderful life and he loves you for that!
Laney

Oakshil, please try not to blame yourself. It doesn't help anything. I know exactly how you feel. I have felt responsible for Mama's death. What if I had given her heart medication? Maybe she would have lived a much longer life. Well, she's gone and the what if's won't bring her back. The what if's won't bring Mr. Spike either. You gave him a great, loving home and for whatever reason, it was his time. I know how much it hurts. I am feeling it too. We must learn to say goodbye and not blame ourselves.

Never too soon to thank others for kindness and compassion. And I thank all those who have given the time they can, so I thank you folks. It is appreciated and I am thankful very much. My heart warms from these kind responses.

I know it isn't over. It won't be over for a while, how could it be.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time so far and those who may yet.

Oakshil, Hi I'm sorry for your loss. As you stated in your post you can see others feel the same way as you do. Your absolutely correct. It's sad to say but it's true most of us here feel responsible and guilty for our furryfriends departure. Thou I still carry guilt , it's not as intense as it once was. I credit that to this site and the advice that others have offered me. As I can see others have already offered you that same support so listen to their words. Their adviced has helped me and I'm hoping it will help you. Take care and keep posting

Dear Oakshil,

I'm so, so sorry. I know you are hurting so much now. Please don't blame yourself about Spike. You did everything you could for him. I also tried blaming myself for Peaches getting cancer, & for not catching it sooner. But I have finally realized that there's nothing I did that caused it, and even if I had caught it immediately, the outcome would have been the same. Vets don't treat cancer in animals as aggressively as they do in humans. Peaches was with me as long as her little body would allow her to stay, until her quality of life dictated it was time for her to go. I couldn't allow her to suffer. You did the same for Spike. It was time to let go, and you did what you had to out of love for him.

You are at the right place, here. There are many others who feel your pain, please know you are not alone. I am wishing you the best.

Oakshil,
I ditto all here have said! All I can say (as one who is trying to fight it as well) is that grief is so horrible and seems never ending but when the guilt is added on top its so overwhelming that it takes away from everything, it holds back the real grieving ,its takes away the wonderful memories because everytime you have a thought of the baby the guilt comes right after and ruins even the best memory. You have to fight it, I find coming here and writing to my Kasey helps and reading the other stories at least I do not feel so alone and I feel free to get it out. I hope you do the same people here care so much. I am so sorry you lost your baby and will be thinking of you.
Carolyn

I feel grateful for the kindness here and I feel an update one week later is deserved.

It is a week later and it does hurt. I caught up on alot of sleep last night. Sooo much at once without waking up every few hours (Which would be normal) And it hasn't been so much that I wasn't getting sleep. It's been that I have only gotten a few hours there, few hours there through the day. Only one of these days have I gone a 24 hour cycle without. (Not normal, don't worry)

Part of my update is also fairly jaded. I am going to be moving this month. It is not under my own decission. It is the landlady's. Well technicly the board of health. A visit is to occour within the month and the place probably won't pass inspection. However bad that part may seem, I see it as timely for a number of reasons but, the most important one being that it will be a new start. One large stage in the healing. It hurts to live here where he did. I still am looking down to make sure he's not cutting in front of me where ever I step. Still making sure the door is closed instantly I open it. Making sure there isn't nothing falling on the floor to hurt him. (He'd eat anything, inclusing plastic wrapping if given the opportunity. You'd think he'd have grown out of that long long ago) I look forward to leaving this apartment. When my gal told me we were being booted out of here this month after speaking with the landlady, I felt a great sense of relief because, since last Thursday this is exactly what I wanted to do. Not sure where we are going to go but, I don't care. I just want out of this place. Jaded but, true.

I make sure that I am eating properly. I am one of those who when upset, has a hard time keeping up on keeping the belly full. I've even forced myself. I want to survive.

It feels funny to say, but I think that feeling of guilt is evaporating. I'm still depressed over it. I wish he were here. I've gone through this sort of thing before so, I should be alright in the long term. I am sad but, I do want to survive and that is just what I intend to do.

One thing I thought of doing and I don't understand why it would make me feel better. I'm not commiting to the idea but, I was thinking of getting a tattoo of Spike on my right arm at my shoulder. My only reluctancy to commit to this idea is two things.

One, I never got a tattoo before so I don't know what my pain tolerance level is for it. Then again I've thought to myself, that amount of suffering probably pales in comparison to what Spike went through. Two, I wonder at the cost of so much detail. I don't know why I think this would heal me but, there is a certain feeling of right to this. Does anyone understand this?

Thank you to all again. If none of you hear from me for a few weeks following this one, I will be hanging in there. When you do not hear from me for an extended amount of time it means I am dealing with finding a place. But I will be sure to let everyone know, I am back come that time.

I'm encouraged that you're sounding so cautiously optimistic and looking forward to the future and what it holds for you. That's a good sign, and I'm happy to see it in you. Everyone's different; for me, I always felt I wanted to stay where my little ones passed, but that's just me - part of what makes us such incredible and individual humans who can comfort each other is that we're all so different in how we see things. I say, whatever works, that's best for you. You know you.

Come back again and let us know how you're doing. We like to keep up and for me personally, because I'm suffering kind of a loss in that one of my cats got out of the house and I'm searching for her, I can never hear too many encouraging things. Let us know what you decide about the tattoo - I'm afraid I'm not the right one to ask. You and your girlfriend take care - Barb

Spike's ashes have returned from the cremation place. They are with my mother in this little wooden box. She wants them. I'm not so much for gravestones and keeping ashes. Normaly she isn't either, neither of us understand this exeption.

If it makes her feel better, so be it. For me, having such things around gets me dwelling on the death and I am already doing that enough without it being added to. Infact I was downright uncomfortable near it. It was hard to even look at.

I don't know really what to say at the moment on that or even again of what I've gone through since Spike died.

I've gone days without crying but, I know it does not mean I've healed comepletely. It could very well take a long time. I am scared. This sort of thing can just sneak up on someone at any given moment. All it has to take is a pleasent memory or seeing one of his toys.

I've gathered his toys, the ones I've found so far. His teddy bear that he'd carry around is somewhere around this place. I should find it as I am packing. When I have all of them together, I am bringing them to the laundrymat to wash them. I don't know what to do with them but, I know those toys I plan to always keep together.

I hope to find his bear. It was my first gift to him, the offering of my friendship his first night with me. To let him know, don't be scared I want to take care of you. I had him out from under the bed and purring within four hours. The next day, I still remember making it a point to go out for a little bit, so he could explore on his own without me then, a stranger lurking about. I wish I could relive that weekend, just once more. The bear he seemed to carry the most.

Tonight, after a few postings I found his mouse. It came with him, from where he was living. He didn't carry this one around too much. Seemed to grow out of it but, it is different from the other toys. For it is the only one that came from where he was being fostered. I feel it should be the bear I'd cherish more but, right now I feel I cherish his mouse more.

I wish just for the sake of healing, I was not a skeptic of those claiming to be mediums to (animal) spirits. Even just for the sake of healing, I wish I could suspend my skeptism. I'd just want to be able to say to him, how much I love him and how much it hurts to see that he did not get to liveout a natural lifespan. How much he guided me through the last five years. How much I miss the sound of his breathe at night when everything is quiet. How much I wamly I laughed inside when he was being silly. How I miss giving him hugs. How much I miss his squeeky meow. How much I miss that paw tapping me and those teeth nipping. How more important he is to me than any and all the material goods I own. Its like, I want to know should there be a spirit, is it angry and resentful towards me.

At night my hearing is still active, listening for him stepping on things that make noise, like lose pieces of paper or magazines. Active listening for that loud tongue of his while he cleaned. Sometimes I'd hear him sigh when falling asleep and it was just so comforting to know he was somewhere in the room.

Not having a cat at anytime to live with is hard enough. There is just something about them that makes life easier to contend with. Not having Spike around right now is just so hard. Outside of this even, life is hard. (For various reasons) Things can get better with all of them but, if I ever needed a little fury friend to bond with or one already bonded to me, it sure is now.

I miss him so much.

Thank you everyone.