I was just on the post written by meowltd about a remark made to her by a friend. Reading that post was like throwing wood on a already burning fire. Let me start by summarizing a story. A friend of mine lost her husband tragically due to an accident a year ago. I was there for her constantly and continuously through out. Most of the closest people to her work during the day except me. I was her constant companion, her sympathetic shoulder to cry on. I know being alone is know good when you lose someone close. That is when your mind and heart turn on you and you sink deeper end deeper into depression. She was so depressed and she didn't want to be alone, nor did I want her to be so we spent alot of time together. I didn't mind I know I helped her through one of the toughest times in her life. But know I'm resentful. I lost my furbaby and where is she? Where is the support? Ya, she called me once or twice while he was sick. She called me on the worst day of my life. The same day that I had to bring my baby to the vet, his last day. Before I found someone to help me. I told her how I couldn't get into contact with my sister, how she was suppose to help me bring my dog to the vet. I can't get Max to the vet by myself he's to heavy, He won't go outside and I can't carry him by myself I told her. She said she would help but bla..,bla.., bla..! Thank God my sister called me back. My friend called me after Max was gone to say she was sorry and I know that she was sincere but I don't think she sympathizes with me. Like my grief is minimum compared to hers. I'm depressed, I feel empty, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of me, I'm going through the worse grief of my life. Occurances of every day activities remind me of my baby and make me miss him more and more. Why is his death and the emotions I feel any different from lossing a human. Why because he was a animal ? Love is love, and I loved him. He's gone and I'm grieving and nobody is there for me. That's the difference when you lose a human you have so much support, when you lose a furbaby you don't. I know I shouldn't compare the death of her husband with my furbaby. I'm just trying to sort through my feelings. I just wish that she would of been there for me like I was for her. Sorry I'm rambling on I'm having one of those bad weeks and I wouldn't dare confront my friend about how I feel. Because I know that she is still grieving and if she helped me with my grief it would only remind her of her own. So sorry, you guys and gals are stuck with me . So thanks for the shoulder.

I understand how you feel. Along with the resentment I am hearing "abandonment" in there as well. You cannot make a duck go "oink"...that is to say you cannot "expect" a person to do something if they are just not capable of doing it. This is something else that is adding to your sorrow. Your "expectations" have also been trampled on. I would not be too hard on your friend who is not there for you, but, at the same time do not let your gaurd down and begin a lengthy dialogue with this person and bare your feelings to her (remember the duck that goes "oink"). You will leave yourself open and vunerable. People will minimize your grief as you have found out. They think that their grief is greater than yours, because they think that their loss is greater than yours. Your feelings will be easily hurt and I feel angry even thinking about someone doing that to one of us.

Come here, write much. We are here for you. We understand your pain. I will look for you. I will be thinking about you. Be good to yourself.

Your friend is just one of those people who can't understand. She deserves pity since she will never know the pure love that comes from a furbaby.

As to the loss of a person or animal - losing a loved one is painful, whatever their species. No one should think themselves qualified to judge how much grief another person is feeling.

My thoughts are with you,


Daisy's Mommy

You're so right, love is love, no matter whether your loved one is human or a beloved pet, it hurts both ways, so much. I also felt that when I lost my Peaches the only real support I had was from my immediate family, a few close friends (only the ones who experienced this too) and my friends here. That's one reason it's harder to get over the loss of a pet, some people don't understand.......& I think also because our pets love us so much unconditionally, no matter what stupid things we do. No matter how bad our day was, we come home & they look at us with those loving eyes & say "I'm so glad you're home Mommy, I missed you", & things are better in our world.

This isn't animal related, but 8 years ago I lost my beloved 88 year-old aunt who never had children of her own but loved me like a daughter & I loved her like a mother. I was executor of her estate. When she died suddenly, I had to fly out to where she lived & go through her things, settle her affairs, call her friends from out of state to tell them, etc. I was beyond heartbroken losing her but I did what I had to do for her. When I returned home, you know what some people said to me? "Well, at least it wasn't your parents". Don't get me wrong, some people understood completely, but what I'm trying to say is there are people out there who care about you & whatever is going on in your life & will support you no matter what your problem is-----when you find these people, cherish them, they are precious. But maybe some people are just emotionally hollow, if it's not a spouse or a close family member, they don't get it. It's even worse with pets because people who have never experienced this love don't take your loss seriously. I think that's why I take so much comfort coming to this site. We're all in the same boat, & just want to help others (as well as ourselves) by talking about it with people who will listen & not judge.

I'm sorry if this rant is as long as I feel like it is, but I wanted you to know that I totally understand how you're feeling. I have been having a really bad week dealing with my loss of Peaches, and I needed to talk. Thanks. I wish you peace, as well as all the good people out here.

Xrayspex, I think your'e on to something. My expectations for my freind are too high. I feel bad for judging her because I know she was upset and hurt for me when I told her about Max. I could hear it in her voice, she was trying not to cry. I beleive that she just didn't have the strength to cope with my pain. I think our freindship took a course of it's own, as me being the emotional supporter. She couldn't adjust to the switch in roles. I do kind of still feel hurt thou because it was like a shrug of the shoulders and a oh well I have my own problems. That's where my feeling of you only lost a dog from.

Daisy's Mommy, Thank you for your support. Yesterday I was in a foul mood, I didn't mean for people to believe that my friend is not a kind person. I feel that she is still mourning and cannot cope with my problems. I know it's one sided that is why it angers me. As for people judging our grief for our furbabies , I agree. Some people act as if you have the plague or that your adnormal because we love our furry friends. Like you said it is their lost.

Kimm, I'm sorry for your loss of Peaches and your Aunt. I'm also sorry about the inconsiderate comment made to you about your Aunt. Why don't people realize that it doesn't matter what relative, relationship, religion, culture, gender, or animal it is we love. That the love is equal regardless. You and your Aunt were blessed to have that special bond of a mother - daughter relationship. I'm sure she knew how much you loved her and that is all that matters.

You aren't wrong to compare at all!!! I felt exactly the same way about all my friends and relatives who I got the same reaction from when Misty died. Sounds like you got a little more from your friend than I did, most of my friends didn't even acknowledge it at all, not one I'm sorry or anything. They acted like it was trivial conversation. My best friend in the world was not even worth acknowledging.

I've moved past it with people, because otherwise I would have no one left.As my grief has gotten better, that pain has faded, although I will never count on people again.

I am sorry for your loss, and the kack of support you received from a friend you were there for in her time of loss.

we're here for you, so pelase keep writing in.

Hugs, Misty's Mama

Radgirl, Thanks for the reply and I'm sorry you had to suffer through Misty's passing alone. That must of been really hard on you. I noticed that at work the people who came to me to express their sympathy all had furry friends. Some even shared with me stories of their own furbaby losses. I believe the people that do not have furryfreinds lack the ability to understand the deep connection that we share with our furbabies so they are unable to sympathize with us. They don't know how to comfort or show us compassion because they just don't get it. Once again I'm so sorry for your lost and I hope you found the support that you needed on this site because we all know and care about the pain you feel.

Very true! It seems that those who have never had a close relationship with a pet don't understand, but the loss is the same as another human. IT some ways, the loss is more so, as they were a member of your immediate household.

Some of my friends ahve pets but don't see them the way I did Misty. Some leave them for weeks in a cage while they go on vacation, etc.

I am glad that you had some friends at work that understood your pain. At least your friend did say she was sorry, although after the friendship you offered her in her time of need was far greater. But some people are very selfish and only think of their own situation.

I did have one friend who really understood and was there for my husband and myself. I also found a great deal of comfort here.

I hope you are doing okay and pelase keep posting!

Hugs. Misty's Mama

I have lost grandparents and friends in the past. Each death is different and the grief is different each time. I do know that I have suffered a longer grief and depression since losing Alley than I ever have before.

It is hard when we have lost our furbabies and some friends don't seem to get it. Grief is grief when it is for a loss of one we loved so dearly. Most of us here have a deeper love for our furbabies than the humans in our life. When My Raggs died almost a year now only my friends that have beloved animals responded the others if they said anything was a weak I'm sorry. I guess if you have never know the deep love of an animal then you cannot understand. It does hurt when you give so much and at your time of need you get so little. I can only say that a person that has not experienced the love of a beloved pet has missed out on alot in life. As said before come to this site where all of us will forever grieve those precious pets in our lives. I know I always will . The near passing of a year seems like a moment and then it also seems like and eternity. You want those fesh memories to stay because when they do somehow our babies are still with us.

Joanne (Raggs Mom)

Worth repeating:

Alley, I feel exactly the same way. I think we suffer so much because our babies were so much a part of our world,and now it's just empty without them.

Joanne, I love your pic of Raggy. Looks like she's tilting her head in a question. What are you doing Mommy? So cute.

Thank's everyone for your support and advice regarding this topic. I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't harbor any resentment towards people who were not suportive to me during my time of grief. How can they support me when they don't understand it.Thinking about this subject reminded me of my lack of understanding during my childhood days. Their was a lady who was known as cat lady when I was younger. She had alot of cats and we all thought that she was crazy. Everytime we walked bye her house she would be outside in her yard talking to them. She would say things like I told you guys to be more careful one of these days your going to hurt yourselves as they tangled their ropes together that she attached to the closeline. She would be out there scolding them if they socialized with the wildcats that lived in the alley by her house. When we would say hi to her she would tell us about her cats what this and that one did. She would warn us about the wildcats and to chase them away from her yard if we saw them. Once out of her sight we would laugh and joke about her.. But at the same time I felt sorry for her I thought wow she must be so lonely. I didn't understand that special bond with furbabies. I now know that she wasn't crazy and that she had all the love in the world .She wasn't lonely at all because she had her furbabies. The irony is that some people must look at me now and think wow she's nuts because of the way that I go on and on about my furbaby. How I talked and treated him as if he were human. But you know what I could care less because I 'm the one who had the privledge and honor of recieving his love and I wouldn't trade that for the world.So to all the misunderstanding people I forgive you because I once was naive to. To all you furbaby mommy's and daddy's I apoligize for the ignorance of my youth.

k9pal,
Thanks for the compliment on Raggs. He use to do that when I talked to him. July5th will be a year since I saw that little head lilt to the side. You all know how I feel because you would not be here if you didn't. Petting an animal can make you feel so at peace. And no human could possibly love you like they do. I think that is one thing that makes us love them so. They need us and don't ask anything of us but love (and a treat). It is a wonderful feeling when you are coming home from work or whatever and you get that thrill in your heart that your furbaby will be so happy to see you and the most famous person on earth could come in with you and you would be the only one they were happy to see. They are your kids forever the ones who never grow up and leave home except through death. Well memories are all that is left now but I would rather have had those near 16 years than never to have know him at all. That is the price we pay for love isn't it

Joanne(raggs Mom)

My mother's death was incredibly painful. She was a constant in my life. She loved me unconditionally. She made me laugh, she made me cry and I miss her as much today, almost fifteen years later, as much as I did the day she left this world. (But she didn't dig in the trash or drink out of the toilet)!

Milo's death was incredibly painful. HE was a constant in my life. He loved me unconditionally. He made me laugh, he made me cry and I miss him as much today, a year and a half later, as much as I did the day he left this world. He did dig in the trash and was known to sneak into the bathroom for a cold one.

You are not remiss in thinking that after your support and friendship during your friends most difficult hour, you could perhaps expect the same in return. Don't be too hard on her, though, she might just not get it, you know? But please, don't think it's okay that she wasn't there for you.

Love is love and the searing pain of the death of one we love is the same, only different. It's like asking which friend/family members death was hardest for you.

On a lighter note, or maybe not, I answered my door one afternoon about a year after my dearest friends husband died and a week or two after her beloved dog Max had died. She was sobbing uncontrolably and clutching a beautiful wooden box.

I asked, "What is that"? She said it's Max! Look, I got him a nicer box than Walt! Through our tears, ( and some uncontrolled giggling), we agreed that that is exactly how Walt would have wanted it.

I hope you ahve since found more empathy from your friends. Certainly, you're in the right place here.

Sharon

Sharon that was a really great post. Thank you. Kips

My father, who I loved more than anything, died from lung cancer 11 years ago. My dog, my best friend, I had to put to sleep in Dec. '06. There is no comparison. I mourned, and still mourn, the loss of my father. My dog I still mourn and many people can't understand. But when you loose a human it's just so much different. I can relate to you because I treat my pets as if they are human. But someone losing a human being, it just can't compare. If I had a choice to bring one back, as much as I miss my buddy, I would choose my dad. I can't relate to the husband/wife partnership, but I'm sure it sucks. If I were your friend perhaps I would feel the same way. I lost my husband. You lost a pet. She will feel sympathetic but not in the way if you lost a human. Like I said, if I were your friend, I would support you in the way as if you did loose a human, but you can't expect that from someone who has lost a spouse. I have great friends that have givin me support because they feel the same about animals as I do, but you just don't get that from anyone.

When I lost my Kasey I sent out an e-mail with the poem I had written for her. I sent it to some family and to a few friends, had to e-mail as i was i not coherant enough use the phone,I had 1 ONE reply from a distant cousin (we are closer now) and nothing from anyone else, Including my best friend of about 12 years, I did not care, I know most are skindeeps but my best friend? so I wrote her and said I assume you did not get my e-mail because I am so hurt with no reply, she wrote back that very day, I am sorry I know you loved you CAT but you seem upset now so i will call you later when you have calmed down, needless to say I wrote and poured my heart out and said I was sorry if i seemed angry to her i was'nt i was hurt yada yada yada...our friendship will never be the same,out of the few people I do know around here and some family she was the one I thought would listen and hold me up,, nope I have not had a call an e-mail nothing, God forbid anyone would send a note or a hug..
In 1990 I lost the best friend I have ever had to a drunk driver I was out of it for awhile I could not even work and they put me on zanax to help,and lets just say people were trying to help they did let me know they were sorry and tried to comfort me. I loved Greg like I have never loved anyone besides my son, he was way to young 22 and was a good man, and I never thought I would laugh again he was sooo funny!The first time I laughed? was at one of my cats.
I will say this here (as I know I could never say it anywhere else) My Kasey and the love we had was just as important I am as raw over her as I was my best friend I think he might understand but for sure noone else I know would, Love is Love is Love and if not for the love and attention another CAT (my Sunny) had showed me after Greg was killed I dont know if I would be here mourning Kasey.
They are animals to those who can't open themsevles up to the pure love that they give, and I feel for them I really do, I have had such comfort from many animals and hope I have given back some at least, though I know never enough.
I can't even imagine losing a spouse,and don't want to try. But my friendship ended this time because when I needed that friend she was not there, My Husband is wonderfull and was just devastated over Kasey so sometimes I don't want to upset him, a friend would have been so nice.. I will close I am sorry I ramble but theres othing wrong with loving your Baby and to not grieve well I think that would be the starge thing..
Wishing you the best
Carolyn

Sharon, I like your version of love is love better than mine. You put it into the words that I could not. I like your sense of humor and your outlook about things You know how to make a point in a light hearted way. I'm glad your friend had you at her time of grief. I'm sure that you gave her such comfort and support. Thank you for the smile. Missin' My Evander, I understand completly on what your saying about the comparison between the lost of a pet and a human. I know what a mess I am from losing my dog. I can't ever even imagine losing my husband. I was just so hurt that I had no support when I lost my furbaby. I just wanted to express that I loved my dog and to be put off like it was nothing, like he was nothing because he was "just a dog" really got me mad. Because he was important to me. I think that people should be more considerate of pet owners feeling when we lose our pets because we suffer from grief also. I'm sorry for your losses. Take care. KaseysMom, I'm so sorry nobody really responded to your poem. You must of been hurt by that. Like alot of people have wrote on this post and what I finally came to understand; Is that some people cannot sympathize with us and our loses because they don't know that deep connection that we share with our furbabies.If they don't understand it then how can they sympathize? But, at the same time if they can't sympathize they could at least acknowledge our grief. I'm sorry for both of your losses. Take care

Hi k9pal,

Even though your pain and disappointment was clear in your original post what was also clear, and what I think a number of others acknowledged, was your feeling that you needed your friend during an incredibly (understatement) difficult time and she seemed unable to offer you much of anything.

Despite her pain, a little more empathy was in order.

I don't think you were looking for quantification but rather qualification, and that's how I interpreted your question. (I hope I used those terms correctly).

The level of understanding from friends and family that I have enjoyed for most of my adult life in regards to the love I have for my pets is, perhaps, remarkable. That's probably why I cherish them all the more.

As a teacher, I am able to share my devotion to animals by leading by example. Aware of the wonderful things an animal companion brings to one's life, I can also speak to the level of commitment, responsibility and work it takes to make their lives healthy, safe and happy.

You did that too. Thanks for taking care of that little one of yours. You made the world a little brighter by having done so.

Sharon

First, I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss, and the lack of deep concern that your friend/s had about your grief. Hearing or reading that type of thing always makes me sad. I also wanted to let you know that I have lost three friends to guns (one self-inflicted, two were murdered), uncles and aunts to heart disease, grandparents to diabetes and/or heart disease, etc. I grieved for them all, however it was the passing of Chaos, my precious little guy that caused the worst grief I have ever known. So it doesn't matter the species (as someone so aptly pointed out earlier in this thread). It's the love shared and the connection that matters, and little else.

Edit: I have been thinking about your thread since reading it and commenting (above), as I have had moments like yours in my life and I know how lonely and abandoned you must really feel. I was in utter emotional pain a few times in my life, and no one was there (talk about feeling alone in this great, big world!). After being forced to deal with some issues on my own, I pulled away from my family and "friends". I was forced to re-examine those I spent time with, and I let my family know that I was disappointed in their lack of support. Years went by, things got better, and my family grew emotionally (as did I). I still have some friends that, while sympathetic to my recent loss of Chaos, still weren't able to really understand why I sobbed violently for three days after he died-but nonetheless they were there, and hugged and comforted me. Now my FAMILY, well they really stepped up to the plate this time. They knew how much I loved Chaos, and that he was absolutely part of my immediate family. My mother and sister cried with me (my sister cried several times). This is the point of my rather long post (please forgive any rambling). They cried with me. As their tears flowed, they literally took some of the pain from my heart. It made my grief so much easier to bear because they shouldered some of it. And I knew others understood my torment-which is absolutely essential. That validation is so necessary for the grieving process to progress more quickly. I do think sometimes though, it is simply a matter of learning this and applying it, as most don't realize how much healing happens when loved ones share the hurt.

Lastly, you may not have gotten those tears from your friend, but you sure did here on this forum. I hope that it has helped to ease your heart from some of the terrible burden that you are carrying.

Sharon, I want to thank you for clarifying my meaning and I want to especially thank you for being one of my continuous support towers on this site. Your support really has helped me. Chaos,my little talisman. I'm so sorry for all the losses that you have been through over the years. I'm terribly sorry for your loss of Chaos but it seems to me that he once again did something for you even in his passing. Chaos passing has brought your family closer together. They knew how much Chaos meant to you and they cried with and for you. That is in my mind, is the ultimate sign of the love that they have for you. As you said "when loved ones share the hurt" I love the way that you put that because it does help to have people close to you to acknowlege and feel your pain. Thank you for sharing your feelings about when you had some issues of emotional pain and that you pulled away from people. I thank you because I think that I did the same thing until recently. Not only had I done it with my family even thou they did give me support. I think that maybe the reason why my friend wasn't as supportive is because I wouldn't allow her to be. I pulled away and she sensed that distance that I had put in between us so she pulled away too. I think secretly that I didn't want support from all the people closest to me because I was blaming and punishing myself for Maxes cancer and death. I believed that everything that had happened to Max was my fault so I took any happiness away that I could of had because I didn't want to feel better. I wanted to suffer. ( who's rambling now? LOL) WOW! Guilt is soo powerful. I just did a post on mad about vets and John B pointed out to me that I had come to far not to go down that road again . I found out other info about the cancer Max had and I started to blame myself again. His words hit me and I realized that he was right. I don't want to go there again because it is a living hell. So I am going to fight the temptation. Your post conformed to me just how much the guilt took over ( by pulling away) and how much it actually took over my life. I think I will start a post about it and try to understand why we do it. Thank you k9pal

Dear k9pal,

God, that was a pretty incredible post. I am so happy for you - look how Max still helps you on your journey!

It's really hard to get to where you are, and you did it pretty quickly. (And that my dear, does NOT reflect in any way on your dedication to your beloved Max)! It only relates to your ability to heal. Your insight is so interesting - I think I'm going to look at some things in my life through that prism.

You did everything you could for Max. That's all of it. If you had known more you would have done more. I'm so glad you know that now. Listen, should I fancy myself the most astute of animal caretakers? Hmmm... I could tell you many stories but I'll only tell you one.

Milo, surely I've mentioned Milo, was a sneaky character. He'd eat anything. You know, razor blades, lipstick, cat poo. He was a mess and quite stealthy. I was usually pretty good at doggie proofing but things got by me and he was RELENTLESS.

He was having tummy trouble. Went to the vet, probably gastrointestinal they said , give him this. Okay, two days later, no better, I take him to Penn. They do xrays and find a "mass". He was ten, I thought the worst. but they called me in the early a.m. and said, "it's not a mass, it's a foreign body, shall we remove it"?

Just two days and many $$$$ later, I picked up my beloved pup. The guilt was overwhelming. He did it on my watch, at a time I could ill afford the cost of a chi-chi vet hospital. But he was worth it.

Was it my fault? Probably. Was it malicious negligence? Never. Was it benign neglect? Not even.

It happened, my baby suffered because I was unaware that he needed more supervision (or a muzzle).

It's not my being remiss as his mom that he would remember. He would remember the joy each time I greeted him all those years (14 ), he'd remember dog songs and a happy family and him, right there, in the middle of it all.

Like you did for your Max , you were his life, his mom, his fellow traveler. I think he'd be happy about that. We did our best. And we're better for it, aren't we?

Take Care Friend.