It does no good to go back to Abigails day of reckoning, but today a post from a new member named "zookeeper" took me back there. I thought about how the vet came in when we gave our tearful good-byes to our 8 year old baby. Abigail kissed our faces and through loud sobs as the vet came in she took Abigail fron my grasp. I will spare the details but ferrets cannot be euthanized the same as cats, their tiny little viens cannot be accessed the same way. Suffice to say that I could not go in with her and the last living memory I have of her was the vet taking mt baby into another room. A few minutes later she came back and said that Abigail was now out of her pain. I hope she wasn't frightened.

I cried very hard after thinking this. I wish I knew more about that procedure but I didn't ask that day at the vets. I did not wish my wife to hear it and I knew she would not want to know. We were both crying uncontrollably at the time. It is a return to the beginning of the process. Today I am very melancholy. I know I won't stay here and I know that Abigail is unafraid now but that doesn't change the way I feel today. It reafirms my views on closure.....there is none...not for furbabies that die anyway. There is only acceptance....and even that is not final...for a single thought can return us to the "beginning" that brought us here in the first place. Although having learned to "accept" the fact our babies our gone, there is every possibility and through no fault of our own that some reminder...no matter how small.....will catapult us back to the dark gloom we felt as we relive that decision we made to release what we loved the most into the Creators arms.

John, I to just came from the zookeepers post and like you I went back to that dreadful day. I'm so sorry you didn't get to go in the room with your Abigail and the guilt you feel because of it. Thou, I was there during max last moments. I wasn't there with him during his x-rays and when they took him I could tell how scared he was. I know that he was probably even more terrified during the x-rays. I still cry over the memory of them taking him away so I know how you feel. All we can do is take comfort in the fact that we released them from their pain. You stated that you wish you knew more about the procedure well I don't know for sure but maybe they euthanized Abby the same way they do cats when they have collasped veins. There is a post that talks about it .If you want to know let me know and I'll tell you. Remember what you wrote to me about guilt. Stop going there. You loved them and did everything and anything you could possibly do for them.

John,
I don't know anything about the euthanasia procedure for ferrets, so I can't give you any words of comfort about that subject. I'm not sure it would help if I did, anyway, if it's a procedure that has to be conducted away from the owner's arms. I do know, however, that you have been there to give me and others words of comfort when we needed them, many times when we (or at least I) needed them very much. I know that doesn't help with your melancholy about sweet Abigail, who is now out of pain, and in a place where I strongly believe you will see her again - hopefully a long time from now. And I also believe that the vet would do her best to minimize Abigail's fear - I think the majority of vets go into the profession for altruistic reasons. And I feel, as you do, that she is safe and warm and content in the Creator's arms, although the sadness does naturally come back in spite of that at times. I believe He understands that, and that's why He gives us each other, to comfort and lift each other up. You have done that for me, and continue to do so as I search for my Shadow. I want you to know that, since I'm also sure you have done that for others. I don't know if that helps in any way, but I needed to tell you that, and thank you. I pray that God's healing ways continue to help you and your family through this roller-coaster time. Take care - Barb

Barb, these are beautiful words, John I hope that those thoughts will comfort you.
I always tended to be skeptical but my gut feeling tells me there is life after life, and that if there is, our pets are there, not too worried about our misery here on earth because they know once we are all together again, we will see that we were so silly
to be so unhappy. But being only human, we go through all the feelings. Take care all of you, ALL of you here.

Thank you all so much for your kind words of comfort. The grief I feel for Abigails death perplexes me at times. If I think back to Chase I can "ponder" that furbaby with a minimum amount of discomfort. I can remember her fondly and think of the funny moments she brought into our lives. But if I ponder Abigail for too long I will begin the uncrontrollable crying and sobbing that is reminiscent of the sadness I experienced at the vet. I do not understand quite why yet. As I search for that truth I come up with one idea that could be the key.....Abigail had to be eauthanized and that is the first time I have "a hand" in the death of one of my furbabies. I realize that Abigails quality of life had become unbearable for her. She looked so tired "in the end". If you could see the videos of her and I you would see how tired she looked in her eyes then. I knew the end was coming. Every time I held and cuddled with Abigail in those videos my wife could see the sadness in my eyes. I knew the twilight of her years had arrived and it was killing me. Shortly after those videos were taken...she perished. God I loved that little tyke soooo much . Writing this has been difficult, I have wept much. I have accepted she is gone but something still gnaws at my soul. Its like that little splinter you get in your hand...you can feel it there...but you can't see it so you can't get it out.....and it hurts the whole time it stays in there.....and because it hurts it is always on your mind

oh John, I'm so sad for you, I think I know what you're going through. Yes, its so hard to have a hand in their demise, even if it's for their best, it doesn't help us feel like we are still giving love but rather that we are ending that love...at the same time, it's a reminder that there is no such thing as an ideal death..any death, not matter how peaceful is a horrid death because by it, our earthly friend has moved on and we are left crushed, with feelings that have nowhere to go anymore. Bless you dear heart, hope little wonderful moments will appear here and there, to soothe the heart that has yet to heal. Take care, be good to yourself, you deserve it.

Dear John,

No matter how sure we are that the time is right, and we know that they are hurting & it's time to let them go......it is still so painful for us. I know that I wish Peaches would have just spoken the words to me, but she couldn't, so I had no choice but to decide for her. You did the same for Abigail. You had a hand in providing her the peace she deserves. As a loving dad, you couldn't have done anything else.

Kim

I just wanted to say that I feel better today. I have had talks with my wife about this too. She is as compassionate a person towards furbabies as I. She cannot come here. She falls to pieces every time she does. Since I don't believe she can be the only one I am sure there are others that are overwhelmed by this place. Having said that there is ongoing dialogue now in our house as to why I feel so intensely about Abigails death. Sometimes I even minimize my own feelings and say to myself I should just move on. But I never foster those thoughts for too long because they are not true to my feelings.

Our belief system works something like this....

.....feelings come from thoughts...thoughts come from beliefs. Something I believe about Abigails death is different from Chases death, that is why the feelings are intensely different. But what that is seems to elude me still for the moment. I the meantime I will continue to search myself for answers.

John


Searching ourselves for answers is always a good idea, in my mind anyway.

I think part of what you are feeling is guilt. With Chase she was just dead, nothing you could do. Some guilt but not the "I said put her down" guilt you feel with Abigail. I was the one who said "yes, take Moose off of life support". Not quite the same but I struggle with it sometimes. There was no hope, nothing that could be done for Moose but I, me, myself was the one who said it. Hubby is having that part a little eaiser I think.

I'm really glad you are feeling some better today.

Love

Thank you so much Lori and it appears that guilt may be searching for a way to dominate my life once again as it did when Abigail perished. It seems to be the only answer so now I must return to my belief system and air out all the thoughts no matter how small that I put my loving friend of 8 years to death. It's a journey I don't like to take. I feel frightened when I "go there", none the less, this I must do

Take care my friend

John

It's a journey none of us care to take. Just know you are not alone, I'm thinking of you. Know also you loved Abigail the best you knew how, always, even at the end. She knows and loves and thanks you for it. She knows you took on her pain so she could go and be at peace.

I was thinking I was past the worst part, but today I saw a teddybear in the store. I so much wish I could give my boy another teddybear. Never again. I'm ashamed to say I cried right there in the store.

Love

OH LORI!!!! I feel so bad for you. I know it is terrible to be taken back like that and through no fault of your own, it just happens. Reading that made me wish I could have been there to give you a shoulder, some much needed support right then. This is the trouble I have been having with Abigail as well. I will see something or do something that will cause an emotiuonal upheavel resulting in tears and sorrow. Something like that happened just today.

We rented just recently a storage facility so we could free up some room in the house. One thing that we took today to the facilty, because it is no longer required is Abigails cage. When we came back I isolated myself downstairs and cried a river. It seemed like another loss...even though the object was inanimate.

And you feel ashamed for crying over something that took you back to the finality of your furbaby?

Let us be saps together today okay Lori...

I hope you feel better now. You are a wonderful person. I am glad to have you as a friend in the forum.

I think you are a wonderful person too, I'm very glad to have you as a friend here.

I understand about the cage. One thing we had to do was throw away a square of wrapping paper. Moose loved wrapping paper so much, we left a square on the floor. He had torn it and puked on it, it was time for a new bit but we just hadn't done it yet. I can remember the pain of throwing that silly bit of paper away. It's like a nail in your heart. So final, like Abigails cage. Something so important to them that is simply no longer needed.

I think I'm having trouble right now because yesterday was 8 months he's been gone and next wednesday my mother will have been gone 2 years. Too many memories. So much loss. I guess it's one of the hard parts of getting older.

I keep thinking I'm accepting it but then....

Okay, I agree to be saps together. Doesn't look like we have much choice but a "sap buddy" is nice. :-) I'll take a cyber shoulder.

I kinda like finding men who are saps and cry rivers, my hubby is one too.

Love

Hi John and Lori,
I totally understand how some simple experience can bring you right back to those feelings, what I have done lately since adopting our new baby, is accidently call him Hrudey Boy, or Rude...I didn't even realize it a few times, my husband had to tell me, that brought so much pain to my heart...and I try not to compare but I tend to make my old boy the perfect one, thinking things like, he would never have done that or this etc and yet, our new boy is just an innocent thing, and I am sure that my memory only allows me to remember the good times...not the crazy bad puppy days...anyway listen, neither of you are saps, I think you're pretty cool, keep on crying a river, I wish my husband would do that sometimes...I am so thankful for this place...I I am glad you are both feeling better... Bye for now, Tory, Hrudey's Momma

I have done this too, so has my wife. Often we call Rocket "Chase". Sometimes we call Angel, "Abigail". With us it isn't a question of comparing, but both ferrets bear personality similarities to the names they get mixed up with. When my wife and I first let the mixed up names slip out we both felt bad. Of late I have started to welcome it. More often now it will begin a dialogue on our now departed furbabies. We reminisce more about the fond times we had together with them and the funny moments. The tears will still come though, even through rememberence your mind swims out of the past and in to the realization that the babies are gone, and it seems to really hurt, all over again. It's good to remember the things about your babies. It exults them, gives then a sense of eternity. They are all perfect, perfect in every way the Creator intended them to be.

Life can never be the same for us when a furbaby has touched our life and left us. Our reality, has changed for the duration of our own lives. I don't believe it is "comparing" you are doing when you look at Auggie and think of Hrudey Boy. "Compare" to me is a disguise used by the monster guilt to make you "justify" Auggie's exixstance in your life. Be careful of that word. Do not give it any time. You have every right to "ALLOW" yourself memories of Hrudey Boy brought on by Auggie. How many times in life does the situation come up where "somebody reminds you" of "someone else". Its a natural thing for memories to spawn within in us when confronted with a situation like this. Do not allow that monster to slip between the new furbaby and the departed one. You know deep inside that you are fully aware of the fact the each of these creatures is unto its own and with a new furbaby comes a "learning curve". You will "learn" to love the new furbaby in its own way and just because it will be different from Hrudey Boy does not minimize it.

If you speak "Hrudey Boy" when you talk to Auggie don't feel bad about it. There is nothing to feel bad about. Think of it as an audio response to a memory that spawns Hrudey Boy. Enjoy your memory or cry (thats what I seem to do) if you need to but don't CORRECT yourself. My little brother died when he was 11 years old. My mom was never the same. Sometimes she used to call me by his name. I never gave it a second thought. Something I did reminded her of him. It was the highest of compliments.

Please be kind to yourself. Don't let yourself feel guilty when thoughts of Auggie and Hrudey Boy. This is normal. Remember, it's not easy being one of the Gaurdiens of the Creators great creatures, but it sure is a wonderful experience.

John, I too cannot part with Maxes possessions. To me those items are not inanimate objects because through them his spirit still remains, they were a part of him. One of his toys a stuffed animal monkey w/tiger strips was one of his favorites.Well I don't really considerate it one of his toys more like his little friend because all he ever did with it was snuggle and groom it. The fur on the monkey is discolored, matted and hard. I can tell how his tongue stroked and groomed it by the way the fur lays. He loved that little monkey and so do I because those brush strokes were made by his tongue and it's all I have left of him. The cage you put away was a part of Abigail and you have every right to be upset about it. All these items left that were our furbabies give us pain because it only reminds us of what we loss. Sorry I can't write anymore I'm getting to sad, I just wanted to let you know that I do not think it's silly to cry over the cage because it's Abigail that your crying for. Take care John

Tory, Hrudey's Momma

It so hard not to call them the new kid by the passed kids name. I do it all the time with my new kitten. I don't think it helped naming them so close. Moose and now Majik. It's funny sometimes it's comforting and sometimes it just hurts.

My husband has the tendancy to think that Moose was wonderful (he was). Majik is SO full of kitten things, and so wild somedays. I just try to gently remind him of some of the things that Moose did. As wonderful as he was he had his messy times too. We work hard every day to find the wonderful things about Majik too, in fact sometimes we tell each other how great it is he's doing whatever is driving us nuts at the time. Each baby is special and it's the things they do that make them special. All the "puppy" memories will be treasured soon.

Love