Sometimes I read that word here....

"closure"

I HATE THAT WORD!!!

Maybe I just misunderstand it.

Why would anyone want to close anything on the past when it comes to the death of one of our furbabies? Even after embracing the elusive goal of acceptance, why would one finalize the issue by "closing it"? I missed the boat on this one. All the pain that we went through, all the soul searching we did, it challenged our very belief system. Belief is the very core of who we all are. It shapes our thoughts, our decision making. When our furbabies die we begin a journey, (unwillingly kicking and screaming all the while), into ourselves which in some cases can lead to unexpected discovery and awakening to who we really are. Closure to me sounds like "forget" and I must admit I feel angry every time I say it. Do we not learn more about life in this brutal encounter with death? I don't get it. What about the knowledge that was forced upon us when it came to facing our worst fear in life? We were forced to endure a fundamental truth of the universe and that knowledge we had to choke down taught us much about life itself. That knowledge that results in the healing we seek prepares us for our next task....

more furbabies...

This is our lot. This is who we are. How fortunate we are to have helped in the circle of life and to think back of all the furbabies we have loved in our lives. Almost everybody here I have had contact with are "multiple furbaby gaurdians", past and present. To close anything on a single shred of this is a violation of our furbabies past and a total disregard for what we may have gained in the process.

Our journey, our pain, our love and devotion to creatures great and small provides us with insight that those out there with the idea that its "just a pet" don't get.

Its "closure" I don't get

Wow xrayspey, Are you a philospher or a writer outside of cyber space? If not you should be. I have to admit sometimes I have to reread your posts to fully understand them. You really get to the core of things and express your feelings in such a heart felt way. You my freind have a gift for words. As for closure, I think all of us here on this site don't know the meaning. Otherwise why would we be here?

When I am upset or sad I like to write a poem. I havent done it in years accept for the poem I wrote to Jessie the other day. Anyway I wrote a poem about what my idea of closure or acceptance is. Im to the point at the end of the poem yet, but in my mind that is where I hope to get.

I thought of you today.
The pain was unbearable
An empty place in my heart.
The tears poured down unabated.

I thought of you today.
A constant ache that doesnt stop.
My heart is broken in peices.
The tears continue to fall.

I thought of you today.
I thought I heard you in the other room.
It still hurts so bads.
And here come more tears.

I thought of you today.
I dream of you often.
I miss you so much.
Let the tears begin.

I thought of you today.
It didnt hurt quite as bad.
Your still in my heart.
Just a single tear.

I thought of you today.
I still think of you everyday.
I love you always.
Wow theres a little smile.

I thought of you today.
And though I still miss you,
I realize Im ok.
And you still live in my heart.

I thought of you today.
Tears were on my cheeks.
Though they werent tears of sorrow.
They were tears of joy, that I had been so blessed.
Blessed to have had the chance to meet you,
love you, and fill your life with joy. As you filled mine.

I thought of you today........

John

Closure, oh no never closure. Acceptance? Maybe, but never closure. Other things we say. "Getting over it". No I don't think so. "Getting through it", I could maybe accept that. I do "get through it" and "accept" it to a point. The point where I don't cry every day anymore. The point where I do go on with my life. Much as I hate hearing "life goes on" it does.

What I think is just that we learn to live with the pain and absence. Let go of the addiction. It's not gone, if we got a fix we would grab it. Like you said why would you want closure on something you loved so much?

I'm looking at 11 years since I lost my Buch and closure is still not something I would even think of. I still miss him so much. I learned to live with the pain, and not to expect to see him all the time but closure? There is none.

Love

In the context of losing our beloved furry ones, in my opinion the word "closure" doesn't apply. I think people use it meaning that after time, they have come to terms with their loss........but you are absolutely right, closure implies finality. And in life and love, there is no finality. It's a catchphrase people use to express acceptance, and maybe when you hear someone say thay have achieved closure that is a good thing for them. Maybe it means they are moving forward. I don't think that moving forward is a bad thing, or takes away any of the love we had (& will always have) for our special friends. We're just moving on, doing what we need to do so that we can continue our own circle of life. Our babies will always be in our hearts. I still think about Nicky, probably once a week, my awesome cat who ran away when I was 12. I think of Brutus, my giant lovebug I lost in my teen years. My sweet Peaches is forever in my heart, my girl. I will love her & miss her forever, no question. Even so, I do feel a little bit better now, which I can't attribute to anything other than the passage of time & kicking myself in the butt to keep my blood flowing. I'm doing what I feel I need to do for me. But "closure"??? No way. Not my definition of it.

I am grateful for your replies. Sometimes, when a specific thought wells up within me with respect to my furbabies, I come here and write. I know I am long winded but when I start tapping these keys, the words just fly out. I never wish to offend anyone here. Just because I don't like the word closure doesn't mean it might not be a good thing for some people as you pointed out Kimm. You are probably right in saying I have mistaken the context of the word. If I have a problem with the word it is my problem, not anyone elses. As you and Lori pointed out however there can never be the "final curtain", you never close the chapter on the furbaby that has touched your life because it shaped you in ways that are forever and CANNOT be changed. Mellisa, your poem is demonstrative of acceptance. Almost immediately from the first words the lump began to form in my throat. But as the poem moves forward the pain eases somewhat. You spoke of the poem that whispers of "closure or acceptance". I see that people maybe using it as a "catchphrase" as you pointed out. I guess it could be said to be in the same boat as Lori's " life goes on". I hate that one too. It has a callous ring to it. To me the poem seems to try and convey the idea not so much of "closing" a part of our life, but an end to the sorrow filled part of our furbabies memories and the beginning of a celebration for the joy they brought to earth during their all to short reign here. The door between those two states of mind does not ever really appear to close. Evidence of this is such; how easy is it to "slip back" in time to the day we lost our furbabies and visit those extreme and brutal beginnings of the grief process once again? Don't want to go there, do we? I thank you for the poem maam. It invokes the kind of thought that is productive to moving forward. It is a goal to work for. K9pal....I understand what you mean. We are all here to find the road to acceptance / closure...call it what you may. We all ultimately seek a reprieve from our torment, our grief at the loss of something that was so very dear to us. What some here don't realize yet, and through no fault of their own, that even though guidance is gained here "regarding" the road to acceptance, the journey must be made entirely alone. For it is a journey within. A journey in which we must battle monsters like denial, guilt and anger. Monsters that if not defeated will take control of us and ruin our very lives! Monsters that have our very own faces attached to each and all of them for it is ourselves that will be our greatest threat from within during this time of deep crisis. The ultimate goal made entirely on our own is the prize "acceptance". Mellisa's poem shouts volumes of that prize.

Lastly k9pal, I am not a philosopher. I am simply, a man. A man that through the school of extreme hard knocks (Lori you know what I mean ) has learned to "express" what I am feeling. I was raised in the old school fashion where men don't do this. It was hurtful. Today we know this was wrong. As for being a writer...if "longwinded" was the dictionary definition for "writer", then maybe I am!

Simply a man, with an active mind, an uncanny vision, a great big heart and the gift of communication. If your furbabies had anything to do with making you the wonderful person you are now, we should all be thankful to your furkids! Your experience and resulting insight are so enlightening, much much appreciated at all times.

Thank you Toonie....and in light of your post I credit my furbabies. They are responsible for the journey I was forced to take. They are responsible for the confrontation with my very worst enemy during my time of grief, myself. They are responsible for putting me on a journey that has shed light on the darkness of doom. In short, even in death they have continued to show me how much they loved me and make me realize every day in their absence how much I love them. I must take my leave of you now...I think I feel a good cry coming on.......

I have trouble with "closure" "acceptance" or any words that I associate, however wrongly, to "forgetting" my girl. I don't ever want to get to the point that it doesn't hurt to think about her, because then it means I have "moved on" and she is no longer a part of my life.

Now that I have adopted Riley I feel like I have two kitties now, instead of just one (Alley).

I find it hard to write much these days because what it all boils down to is one simple statement.

I miss her.

Here is a definition of closure that has to do with what we are talking about:

From the Encarta Dictionary:

closure

5. psychology sense of finality: the sense of finality and coming to terms with an experience, felt or experienced over time.

Closure over the death of our furbabies is not shutting out or forgetting them. How could we ever do that? It's more for us, and I think it is what our furbabies would want for us. How many times have we seen them show concern at our emotions, and sometimes even try to comfort us? They always wanted us to be happy. No, to stay in a perpetual state of mourning forever is not acceptable...nor healthy. Closure is exactly what we need.

It's about coming to the point where we finally concede psychologically and emotionally that (insert furbabies name) will not be with us physically anymore in this life. We don't stop missing them, we don't push them to the back of our minds, we don't move on without a care...we simply surrender them to the hands of someone much more capable of taking care of them...and as much as we miss them tremendously we can be happy that they are at peace and be thankful for all of the joy they have given to us undeserving creatures...me included.

John B. It seems the masses are in somewhat of a slight dissagreement with you. I must admit I agree with them. I am fully versed on the dictionary defintion of closure. I did not start the thread to split hairs on definiton. This is about the associated "feeling" and the "thought" the word invokes. This is what I sought to find out from people in the forum who have "experienced" this word. Closure is apparently what some of us don't need, or even want for that matter.



I believe we will all find the answers we seek, maybe a little less emphasis on what we all "needed" was required there.

I have to agree with John B.

I think the word "closure" is used so often in resolving a negative situation that it has bad connotations. I understand what you all mean about never "getting over it" or having "closure." However, John B. makes an excellent point. To live in perpetual mourning is not healthy. (Sorry, John - if I knew how to use the quote function, I would.)

I still miss my Janey - I always will. She was a huge part of my life. Do I think of her everyday? You bet I do. But I think fondly now. She brings an incredible smile to my face. I often speak to her as I pass her urn. I give her a kiss. I know she's with me. I couldn't see (feel) that before. I was too overcome with the grief of losing her physically in my life. I was overcome with the grief of losing who I was.

Closure isn't about forgetting their lives. It's about putting an end to the intense grief so that we can, once again, celebrate their lives! Janey and I can both "move on" now. I feel like she can truly rest in peace now, and I rest comfortably knowing that. The grief was keeping us apart - we are in tune with each other again. I've missed that feeling. If that's "closure" - I embrace it!

La77 I agree with aspects of your post, however, at no time did I ever mention living in a state of "perpetual mourning". I concur that this is definitely not positive to forward movement through the grief process. If you percieved that from my post I am indeed sorry. I clearly remember speaking periodically of the growth and knowledge throughout the post

for example


That was one of the statements I made regarding positive movement forward. There was more but the point is now moot and I obviously was not clear in my endevour to provoke thought on acceptance, in short, I failed. As far as acceptance goes in my life, you couldn't be further from the truth. If I have caused you to think that I live in a state of perpetual mourning, I am truly sorry you interpreted the post in this fashion. Some people take more time to "give up the past" than others. I am happy you are where you are today in the grief process. Others need more time and that is okay, I don't think anyone in this forum "wants" to live their life feeling that they are mourning all the time. People here will come to terms in their own time and in their own way. They will find what they need. They will not, however, if they are "told" what they need.

The story of my life. I just felt you were giving closure a bad rap and I felt complelled to rush to it defense.

No my friend, I did not want anyone to think I was forsaking the word "closure'. I had hoped that I could spawn more thought on acceptance. It is the truth, the goal that I seek. I had also hoped to get insight on others "percieved" definition of closure. Some people interperet words differently than others and since closure rings close to home here I thought it would merit a look at. As I stated to La77 I failed in my attempt. I led people to believe I was "condemning closure". This was not the case. For this I am deeply sorry, and I apologize to you for leading you to believe I was. I yearn to have others insight on this subject. There are people in this thread that I am deeply indebted to like Lori, Paula and Toonie to name a few. Mellisa's poem was moving in its demonstration of acceptance. They have taught me much through their posts. I am going to make a promise to my self never to use the word "HATE" again. I think it is too strong a word. I had hoped to draw in more input on the subject. I now think the thread should just end, dignified.

I would like to add one last thing about closure. I have experienced a different slant on the issue. The thread below was a gutpunch and it made me realize something else.....

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4024

.....maybe there is a place for closure.

I do not stray much from this part of the forum. Maybe I should do it more. I might just learn something. I (will not say hate) "extremely dislike" the intense empathy I feel when I read some of the heart rendering posts here in the forum. I read this post and was compelled to cry (rather profusely I might add). I can easily put myself into a story and "live it" as if it were my very own. It will invoke all the emotions within that are poured into it by the authour. The part I don't like is the intensity I feel from these at times. I have to be careful what I read, watch on TV. Sometimes this can last for days if the emotion portayed in the event that unfolded was strong enough. It appears to get worse as I get older. Maybe I am just plain crazy.

The post above moved me deeply. Untill today I thought there could be nothing worse than the death of my furbabies. I was wrong. To have a baby escape and be lost....to not know where it is....if it is injured......hungry and cold....is it alive or dead ....it is pain for me as a guardian even greater than that of death itself. Then a thought popped into my head that was cause for a re-arrangment of my belief system...

"I pray this family can CLOSE the door on this issue..."

Resolution about the state of my furbaby would occupy my thoughts 24/7. To not know would turn me into a literal "basket case". It would be impossible for me to move forward, not knowing. If I knew one way or another what happened to the thing I loved most, I could "close" the door on this issue and proceed forward. I could either "rejoice" or "grieve", but I couldn't stay there.

Did someone just slap me in the head?

Maybe some people don't need closure, but I have now begun to think there is a definite place for it. In light of this revelation I need to say this...

John B...I publicly apologize for the trashing I gave "closure".
If I have injured you in anyway you have my deepest heartfelt apologies.
I wish I could give you a hug.

I think we all just have different reactions to different words. What I call acceptance you call closure or another word. They are all just words. If closure makes you feel calm about your loss, use it. I don't like the word, it sounds too final to me, but that is just me. I get that acceptace can sound like, well not enough.

What does it matter what word we use when we all just miss our babies and will always miss them? So many words I don't use and don't like I still get what is being said. If we understand what each other means, the words don't matter.

John

I so agree, that post is making me nuts. Now there is a place you need closure, you NEED to know. You may never.....I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Closure there would be to find out, no matter how bad the news.

Love

HI John and All....
I agree I hate that word closure, maybe I take it in a negative light....acceptance might be better...but you don't ever "get over it" completely. We just adopted a new golden r. puppy, back to puppy hood, Auggie is his name, he's an angel, and I am grateful and thankful to care for him now, since its been so long since we've had a sweetie boy to care for and love..but I realized it doesn't change my missing my boy, I haven't had "closure" yet, I cried the night before I picked up the puppy, I guess its closing a chapter and opening a new one, I don't really want to close, but I know I don't have a choice, its life, and we must keep going...but its funny how since our life is so different than 15 yrs ago when Hrudey boy was a pup, I'm different, and our family is different, we have a 7 yr old daughter who is a big helper and its fun watching her develop a love thing for the baby...her first puppy everyone remembers that in life, so it helps me to know that there is only one first dog in my life, and I will love and appreciate the rest but it can never replace the other because its so different, I am trying to stay on subject and I am not the prolific writer as you are, and a poor speller too...but I understand what you are wrestling with here. Its hard work and something that you have to work on all the time, at least I do...PS you are not long winded..you help me alot...keep up the long windedness...ha! Much Love, Tory, Hrudey's and Frank's Momma and now baby Auggie too!!

I think you just did. Besides, I realize now that you were not trashing closure as much as your idea of closure...which is every bit as valid. In any event It's all good.

John B...thank you my friend...You are truly a gentlemen..

Tory, Hrudey's and Frank's Momma and now baby Auggie WOW...congratulations on the new furbaby!!! Isn't it exhilarating? When we brought Rocket home for Angel to have a "fur-sibling" it was so intense. Don't they grow fast? Rocket was the size of a bar of soap. She is big and plump mow. She is bigger than Angel. You deserve the love of a new furbaby...and that baby desrerves YOU! You mentioned crying the night before you picked up Auggie. I must share a secret...I did the same thing the when I first set eyes upon Angel, my thoughts moved to my forever gone Miss. I don't know why they did, and the tears just came. I have never talked to anyone about it because after I felt like such a sap. But I feel better now knowing I'm not the only one! That word closure is definitely a "perceptual thing". Thank you for posting.

Lori...it doesn't matter what words we use, so long as we understand each other like you said. I believe I lost that in this thread. There was "misunderstanding" and I feel bad about it. Lastly, the post of the lost furbaby is very haunting. I have far more difficulty maintaining my composure in that forum than I do in this one. I think it is the main reason I don't go there that often. I don't know what to say...how to help. I get "caught up" in the thread and then sorrow reigns supreme. I sincerely hope & pray that door will CLOSE for that poor family.

Hi John.

I started reading your post on closure and half way down I saw that you found a post from someone whose cat was missing, and you realized what 'closure' means.

I have some posts on my missing cat, Bennett, gone now seven weeks, and I can tell you that "closure" is indeed a real word, with very real meaning. Death is a part of life, and there is a process of dealing with it, stages. Do you forget your beloved pet or family member after they die? No. Do you feel the same pain 10 years later as you did 10 days later? No. My mother died five years ago. I miss her and dream about her, but I am not grieving her. When you have a pet (or person) that has gone missing, you are stuck mentally and emotionally, and don't know what to feel or think.

I would give anything to have some 'closure' for my cat and be able to move on one way or the other.

John,
I DO agree with you. I don't think that one really has any type of closure when they grieve daily, weekly, monthly and yearly for a departed loved one (human or otherwise). My mother died of cancer three and a half years ago; I still miss her terribly. I lost my cat Precious a little over a year ago; still miss him too. It doesn't matter how long you survive a loss, you don't really or completely get over it. It is a very traumatic event that can change your life (and your perspective on things) overnight. I have read so many books on grief and have attended many seminars on depression and handling death that I feel like I did learn something: people may tell you how to grieve and give you a time frame, but please don't listen to them! Everyone is different, we all handle things differently. If we were all the same we would be clones and that is a truly scary thought!!
Hang in there!
Lisa