Today I was cleaning the basement and came across a little tuff of Nikki's fur. I thought all the fur traces were gone. It seemed as if she shed all the time. That little bit of fur really did a number on me. I miss Nikki so much, I still expect her to coming bounding around the corner to greet me, slip sliding on the kitchen floor. It was so funny to watch her try to catch her footing and then look at you as if to say "I meant to do that". It's been four months since I lost her. I just had to write these thoughts down because nobody around me wants to hear it anymore. I still ask myself the same question - why did I not see that she was so ill. Why did the turmor get to be so large that there was no hope. Even the vet did not detect the tumor, but I was so close with her that I should have noticed.
Thank you all for your sympathetic ears and support.

That fur brought you right back to the beginning. You are "revisiting" the guilt monster. Please don't spend to much time on that worthless piece of crap. Remember how much in the beginning the "what ifs" and "I should have" plagued you? Don't return to that spot. We both know how harmful that is emotionally. I am sorry you have nobody to turn to right now when you feel this way. You knew where to come when you came here. There will always be those little reminders. I too am confronted with them unexpectedly at times. I am glad you came back. Come often and write much if you need to. I will look for you.
Take care.

Dear Ramona,

Those little reminders of them, that keep popping up when you least expect them, they bring about a huge wave of emotions & so many memories. Today I was doing my version of spring cleaning & under the bed I found so many little puffs of Peaches' fur....I couldn't bring myself to clean them up or even touch them. They can stay there forever for all I care, I just hope no one but me ever looks under the bed!!!

Seriously, Ramona, please don't blame yourself for anything. I also have tried & convicted myself for not realizing sooner how sick Peaches was. Her chemo had been working for the most part, but after a while she started acting funny after some of the procedures & the meds I was giving her at home. Only I could see this, & while I called the vet numerous times I couldn't really describe her problems, they weren't problems really, just unusual reactions. The doctor wasn't worried but had me bring her in for the next available appointment. That was on a Monday, & nothing alarming was found. Four days later, when we came home to find her lying unresponsive on the floor, we rushed her to the doc's & he determined that the cancer had spread to her kidneys.......& that was it. My 20/20 hindsight is killing me right now, why didn't I see the signs earlier, tell the doctor that what he was doing wasn't working.......not that I knew what would work, but maybe I should have yelled a little bit louder so he might have tried something else.

Ramona, you are absolutely not alone here. Nikki was such a sweet & funny dog, you must miss her so much. She sounds like she may have been the class clown of Puppy Preschool 101!!!

Please take care. You are in my thoughts.

Kim

Nikki's Mom

Isn't it funny how finding something you werent' expecting can just rip your heart out? I'm so sorry it happened to you, it seems it happens to everyone.

I was in the car with my husband on Saturday, coming home from the grocery store. I looked in my coin purse and found my Butch kitty's tag. He has been gone almost 11 years, but I started to cry. I didn't know it was there. It is over 30 years old because my Butch lived to be 22 and this tag is from the first home we lived in together. My husband tried to tell me it was a sign from him, maybe it was, but I still just miss that little bugger so much.

Love

Hey Ramona,
It's okay to be sad. You miss your boy, but it's not okay to blame yourself for what you did or didn't see, it's normal but not helpful. You have to remember that animals are not like us when it comes to pain. It is instinct for them to not show that they are hurting...that would make them vulnerable in the wild. It's just the way they are. So don't blame yourself for not seeing what she didn't want you see.

Take care
John B

ramona,
i agree animals have a way of masking illness to protect themselves in the wild..true in our furbaies too.
i too went there in saying i should have known..my girl poohbear had a tumor that ruptured on her spleen and she could not be saved. i should have known..why didnt i see the signs..i know your pain all to well. it hurts like hell it really does. the last two days i have done nothing but cry missing my girls. what sent me into it was snuggling with a very friendly stray cat that i came across on our little weekend away..i couldnt take her(wish i could have but my heart couldnt at that time i'm not ready i realised) and just sent me into a tail spin of grief all over again. i'm here for you. know that. i wish you peace...
luv
michelle