Sorry, guys, I'm new at this. I accidentally posted my message under someone else's topic. I lost my girl, Janey, and feel more like I lost myself.

link to that message

I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand, I think a piece of us all goes when our beloved pet/friend/child goes. I am hear to listen, I don't know what more to say other than that I am sorry and my thoughts are with you.

I am sorry for your loss. I know it is a very difficult time now but perhaps if you were to talk about it here it would help.

Hi....I am so sorry for your loss, you came to the right place to get lots of support, I don't know where i would be without the help from these great people...I understand the emptiness, which is so alien when our lives are so consumed with our buddies, especially when they are older, not well, always a concern, then its just over...its really hard to deal with, keep talking about this, and reaching out, its a tough road but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, some people's roads are longer than others and some never completely ever are reached, I feel like that sometimes, I am not the same person now, but I think that's life, so many major losses do that too me, death of any loved one shakes you to the core, makes you ask those questions, what is this all about, who am I now? I wish I had the answers, but just know I am thinking about you and Janey... Peace and Love, Tory, Hrudey and Frank's Momma.

I'm so sorry about Janey. We all feel that way. It is truly a pain like no other and the only thing that has helped me is the help I have received from ths site. Grief can be hideous and it is a process with many strange phases, but I have seen everyone else here experience the same thing. Please know that you are not alone and we are always here to listen and support you...

I'm so sorry you lost your Janey. When we lose someone close to us, our reality changes, things never 'go back to normal' we just learn to live in the new reality, without them. It seems so unreal. I think you feel like you lost yourself because a large part of you was defined by your relationship with her.

As you learn to live in your new reality, you will find new ways to define yourself. I'm not saying it's easy or fast, just that at some point it will happen.

There is a post on the board somewhere about secondary losses. It defines things like this, so no you are not alone.

When you feel like it I'd love to hear more about Janey and maybe see a picture.

Edit: Here is the post I was talking about. http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=3616

Thinking of you and your Janey

We are changed forever. The world as we knew it has now ended. The reality that we lived in is no more and will never be again. If this sounds brutal or harsh it is not meant to. It is simply the truth...ugly as it is.

I lost two of my babies with a short three months of each other. The world I loved so much with them in it is now gone. Even writing it makes me feel like crying. But that is the truth I spoke of.

Now we must learn to live in the "new world". It is a world you probably despise right now and with good reason. The new world is empty and filled with want. I know I've sure hated and cursed it at times.

Enter the grief process..despicable as it is but entirely necessary for our survival in the world now dominated by the ever pesent realization that life "simply goes on" without that which we absolutely adored so very much!

It's only been a short couple of months for you. Give yourself some time Be kind to yourself. If you are anything like me (and from your post it sounds like you are) you are still in the horrible grip of sadness, loneliness, and despair, some of griefs many faces.

Don't let the skin deep out there tell you it's been long enough and it's time to get over it. Skin deeps are the people that "don't get it" when it comes to animals. They are selfish and shallow and have about as much personality as those pet rocks that came out in the eighties. You will heal in your own time. This place is filled to the cyber-roof with countless stories of woe. People like us who lost their furry loved ones and are really struggling to cope with that loss.

Come often and write much. Tells us about Janey. What kind of animal was she? What cuteness did she employ to have her way. Can you post a picture? Stuff like this kills us to do sometimes but that hurt has GOT TO COME OUT. It isn't healthy if it doesn't.

We are here if you need us.

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I'm having time participating in this. In a way, I feel like if I start to talk about Janey, I won't want to stop. And so many other people are in pain with the loss of their own, why should I whine about myself? I know that I want to talk about her - that seems to be one of the most difficult things for me. People in my "real life" never mention her. I think they think it will make me feel bad. That and the fact that they probably assume I'm over her. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Please know that I am reading your stories and my heart goes out to all of you.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby Janey. I feel your pain as does every one of us here. It is one of the hardest things to happen to a person, to lose one that they have literally loved unconditionally. It really is a different kind of loss then when a person dies. For me it was much deeper and the grief lasted...is lasting...much longer. I think the reason is that animals are much more real and much less selfish than our human friends. We don't have the fights and the conflicts with our furry babies. We don't hold grugdes with them or them with us. I know it shouldn't be that way but that is the way it is.

The point I'm trying to make is that the absence of all that drama that we have with our human counterparts make the loss of our innocent and unconditionally loving fur babies all the more devastating. I'm not sure that made sense but I know what I meant.


Please don't stop sharing or ever think you are whining. I like to hear the stories. It helps me to know I am not alone.

Finally, it will be a really hard couple of weeks. At times I didn't know if I would make it or wanted to, but there are some things that helped me. Sharing with all of the good people here and getting comforted by them is very helpful. Comforting others who have gone through what you have is also very helpful. Being honest and positive with your emotions is good....so let it out. Blaming yourself or feeling guilty is normal but not too good to do for long. You'll find that people will lovingly steer you away from those kind of thoughts...even though we have all done it.

Take care, La77. PM me any time you need to share, vent or whatever, ok?

John B

I too am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Janey. When I first joined this site, I felt the way you do, wondering how others could offer me support when they are in such pain themselves. But listening to each other & comforting each other is what people do here. At this site, you'll find many different kinds of people, who lost their pets at different times & in different ways. But what we all have in common is an enormous love for these babies, we're all in some stage of the grieving process, and we all have the desire to help others feel better when they are hurting. It's not an imposition, trust me. I know it has helped ease my own sorrow when I sent along a thought to someone that seemed to make them feel better. It's mutually therapeutic.

I know that some people won't understand the pain you're going through right now simply because they have never experienced the joy of having a pet & can't understand how much it hurts when we lose them. I don't think that's their fault, since they can't fully understand something they've never gone through. I know some of these people myself & while I have to deal with them, they are the last people I would choose to discuss my sorrows with. I feel sorry for them in a way, because they don't know how much joy they're missing out on!!!

We'd love to keep hearing from you. I'm glad you're here.

Take care,

Kim

...It is NOT whining, and if somebody is telling you that is what you are doing I would like to meet them, and give them something to "whine" about.

We are stronger together. We learn different methods of coping and moving through the grief process to achieve that elusive goal of acceptance. Things that we may have learned about dealing with grief are oddly enough forgotten during its actual intrusion into our lives. We can "relearn" here if we have to ( I have to!). Most important, I think, is the fact that we are in the company of people who feel the love and devotion to our furry loved ones. the people who feel like you and I do.

Take care

I realized this morning that it's 2 months today since my girl died. In those two months, I've seriously let my job go, I've let my house go, and I've let my relationship go. I feel like I want to change EVERYTHING. I've been looking for a new job (and have not been sucessful,) I hate being in my house (which I used to love, but now it looks like crap because I don't do much here,) and I'm angry at my husband for just not getting it. He was attached to her to, but I adopted her at 6 months, and had her for 15 years. I've only even known him for ten. I used to "joke" that my dog was my longest, successful relationship. She was the most important relationship in my life. Is that sad? Anyway, I'm furiously angry, but I don't know at what or who. I understand that she had to go - in her case, it was legitimately time. I'm grieving for the relationship, I guess. No one to love, no one to love me.

I too wanted to offer my condolences. I have to say that I agree with what everyone has posted here. Please, keep coming back here and tell us about your girl. Tell us whatever you feel like, take a break if you need to, then come back again. We are here in support of you whenever you feel the need to share how you're feeling.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

Hi Again Janey's Mom,
I just had to comment since I feel the same way about my boy, our relationship was so close, and I always thought he loved me more than anyone including my daughter and husband, he was so devoted, and now what....I myself can't feel anger at them, only sadness for my loss, I realize this was the main animal/pet love relationship that i will have because he was all mine, no one else's, for 14 1/2 yrs even though I was involved with my husband my boy was mine and everyone knew it, and I was proud of that too...we will have more dogs and love them too, but no one could ever fill that same spot for me, I think its a timing in your life thing, the next dog might be my daughter's main love, which I would never deny for her...I feel so lost without my boy and will miss him forever..... Tory, Hrudey's Momma

I do think we have crossed a realm when we love an animal in the way we have.
It is as special and unique as if it would have been with a most extraordinary person in our lives. We were blessed with extra intelligent extra intuitive special animals and were able to communicate and relate with them on a level that surpasses most human to human relationships. Your Janey felt exactly the same about you: she was blessed with someone who could understand her like no one else could, who could love her like no one else did. When this exchange that we have known for so many years dies it changes us forever; when we lose the physical body of our loved one, we are so lost, we are almost mad with grief. We don't really wan't any one else's love or sympathy while we are hurting, we can only isolate ourselves from the rest of the world, we just want our departed pet back,this makes us feel angry and blue. Our world is no longer a pleasant one and we don't feel like trying to make it so again. We just don't care.

I have tried to pick myself up when at one point I was going very low;I didn't care and like you I let every thing go. I kept thinking about how much more I would like to join my cat than stay on this earth. I have a good family but didn't feel like sticking around, it seemed that everyone was okay except me, everyone could go one and handle their lives all right but my life was over, and I wanted it to be. But whenever I thought about my cat, I would remember how he lived in an admirable way, how he was always a very smart, kind, loving, always cool and dignified. right through the end. And I decided I would TRY (written in big letters because I am SOOOOO inefficent in all ways) TRY! to live as honorably as my cat had. I owed him this, because if I let myself become sick and die, he would not be proud of my story, my family would always remember how losing that cat killed me!!!This couldn't do, I could not let him end up with a burden like that. Slowly, I have gone back to cleaning house,doing my chores, I know one day I'll go back to making all kinds of interesting meals tp bring a bit of joie de vivre in the family like before; for now, it's the regular fare, dutifully served but no complaints, so this leaves me time to retreat and mope on my own. If I succeed in keeping the rest of the family happy,
good. My turn, Yukon and Felix often made all of us happy. I look at my face in the mirror, I am sure I have changed over the last 6+months. There isn't that stupid unknowing smile on it anymore. There is sadness to my eyes, I don't think it will ever go away. It suits me. It is a major part of my life story, the story of that cat and myself and that I accept all as is with the hope of all that will be, maybe. I will always carry my memories with me, eventually not like a burden but like a treasure. I will wait and hope that the song that I heard while driving yesterday was really sent by Yukon and his brother Felix, to let me know they are still right by me. Courage my dear, your pain is still very raw. Be kind to yourself but think that you still need to do something for Janey, make Janey proud of you like you are proud of her. It's hard, so so hard but Janey will see you through this. Here is the song that made yesterday easier:

Lyrics Here, There and Everywhere -Beatles



To lead a better life,
I need my love to be here.

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there.

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
SOMEONE IS SPEAKING BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HE'S THERE
I want her everywhere
and if she's beside me I know I need never care.
But to love her is to need her

Everywhere, knowing that love is to share
EACH ONE BELIEVING THAT LOVE NEVER DIES
watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there.

I want her everywhere
and if she's beside me I know I need never care.
But to love her is to need her.

Everywhere, knowing that love is to share
each one believing that love never dies
watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there.

I WILL BE THERE, AND EVERYWHERE
HERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE

Thanks to everyone - Tears stream down my face when I read your replies. Seeing her name on the page, knowing that someone else is typing it and thinking of her, somehow has a dramatic effect on me. She was mine for so long, and now that she's gone I'm sharing her with other people.

Tory - you expressed exactly what I feel. Janey was MINE. She loved my husband, and he loved her, but she was MINE. She knew that I was her mother, never replaceable by anyone. I read a book last week that said that dogs always remember the person that loved them FIRST. I want another dog, but I have alot of trouble accepting that this dog will have to be ours. We'll have to decide on it together. It will love both of us equally. At this point, that's not acceptable to me. Maybe when the pain isn't so great, I'll be better with that idea.

Toonie - you mean I will clean again at some point? cook? do laundry? Everything is out of necessity right now. Thanks for making me feel normal under the cri%%stances.

Thank you to John B. for making me realize that I'm an idiot. Well, maybe not an idiot, but that I was SO covering up my emotions. I'm so much more emotional about her now, but on some level, I feel better.

I wish I could post a picture for you all to see, but I'm not sure how at this point. My Janey was beautiful. A black lab mix with an expressive face and a glowing coat. I am so proud of her.