I am starting to wonder what acceptance is. I began to think about it alot after a thread that Paula (AlleysMama) posted of late. I thought I knew but it is only the dictionary definiton of the word that I appear to know at the moment. What is it really supposed to feel like? I forget. Why suddenly in the day do I become totally preoccupied with Abigail & then torture myself by watching the last two videos I have of us together? Maybe I am still grieving but is "torturing ones self" with rolling images of us together really helping? I feel compelled to watch them yet another side of me does not want to because that side knows the pain I will suffer for doing it. Paula said in her post she felt nothing now from Alley...like she was abandoned. That remark struck me so hard I thought it would knock me off my chair. ABANDONEMENT. That is one thing I feel for sure right now.....and that is a double edged sword. My baby was sick and had to leave. Logic should dictate that feelings of abandonment should not even come into the picture, its just WRONG!. But they do...and I can't help what I feel. That generates guilt too. Putting something like that on poor Abigail. There is definitely a struggle in progress within me. Like I said to Paula in her post, "something is wrong, something not done...not reconciled..I don't know what it is." Something terrible happened the other day. My wife reached into the cage to pick up Angel and her body appeared lifeless when she pulled her out. She didn't move and her head hung down like a little rag doll. Marilyn started to cry and go into denial right away. All of a sudden the little tyke sighed and just "woke up". Apparently she is an extreme "deep sleeper", rather catatonic I might add. I was terrified at the thought of having to bury another one. You can't imagine my elation when she simply woke up. I had a dream that night that I buried Chase alive. Chase was just asleep and I buried her. That dream haunted me for days. Maybe both of them, Abigail & Chase, dying so close to each other has had more of an effect on me than I originally percieved. I do not blame my God. All things must come to an end. I know that. It is probably the one and only fundamental truth in our universe. This "malfunction" that I am experiencing has to do with me...not my God so I must somehow find a way to "fix it". But how do you fix something if your not sure what's broke?

Wow, your post leaves alot to think about. I too worried, at times, that I buried Chaos alive. I was there when he was put to sleep, and I carried his body (wrapped up) for a few hours after that in the car, so I KNOW he was gone. But the mind does tend to play tricks on itself, especially in cir%%stances such as these.

As for the struggle that you spoke of, I am going through one myself. All of us here have gone through a deep trauma, deeper than, maybe, the average person (we've suffered enough that we are seeking relief by coming here to talk about our losses. Most that lose animal companions perhaps do not feel the loss so deeply as we do.) It changes us in many ways, forevermore. I am struggling to "adapt" to my new world. Right now, I see tragedy around every corner, always preparing myself for the next hard blow, just like you. I'm also having trouble accepting that my boy is gone. I know that with trauma that runs very deep, it can also cause or trigger PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Often, deaths of those close to us can cause this to develop, and that may (I stress "may") be what you're dealing with. You've certainly experienced a deep enough trauma, that's for certain. There are treatments out there that can help significantly. Some times, the symptoms lessen on their own, with time, too. No matter if it's PTSD, grief, anxiety, or whatever else, talking about the pain and loss is the main thing. Writing and posting about how you're feeling is very therapeutic, and can help pull you through this, so that's wonderful that you come here to share and show support for others.

I can completely emphathize with you John, on many levels. You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

John

I'm thinking that acceptance is a lot broader when it comes to grief. Closure and resolution are part of it. Being honest, at least with yourself, that what has happened has happened and can't be changed in any way...and being at peace with that truth is acceptance. Yes it's hard, and maybe it happens slower than we'd like, but eventually we all need to accept that a chapter of our lives has closed...if only a physical part.

Who knows. All I know is it hurts like hell.

Hi John, I am glad you started this topic, as I was on the same page but not wanting to go off on my own feelings so much when I should supporting others. I am really battling with this issue, I try to just accept that I will always feel this emptiness...even thinking about another family pet friend, has brought up more sadness, I have been crying on and off today...I think everyone feels differently about their pet friends, I know for my boy, he was my first, only me dog...no one elses, he and I were so attached, and he was so dependent upon me, him being gone is just wrong in a way, I can't even put my finger on it, and he was so sick in the end, and actually was slowing down for several years...anyway I am not making much sense, just know that I understand how you're feeling anyay...take care, Tory, Hrudey's Momma...

Acceptance is not waking up during the night screaming and crying.

John

I think maybe you have done the same thing I did, regarding acceptance. I THOUGHT I was started to accept things, starting to move past them, starting to get "better" but I realize now that I really wasn't. I think maybe I was going through the motions, fooling myself into believing that I was moving through the "steps" and starting to get past this and accept things. But I don't think it was real, because all the grief and anger and hurt are still there and haven't changed, except to maybe get worse. I think you may have done the same thing when you lost Chase, and that losing Abigail so soon after has just brought it all to the surface for you.

I DO feel abandoned. I want to think that Alley is with me, and to be able to feel her there, but I just don't. I feel like she has left me for good and I can't even have a sense of her presence to comfort me.

What is acceptance.... I wish I knew.

John

I've thought about it a lot, why is it so hard to accept and what is acceptance? Here is what seems to work for me. We can become addicted to any emotion, just like we would be addicted to a drug. The way we become attached to our babies, the way we love them, is an addiction. What we are going through is a serious form of addiction withdrawal. If there was any way for us to still get our 'fix' we would. There is not, so we "withdraw" every day. Until.

Perhaps that is why we feel so abandoned. Why we can't feel them near us. We need our fix and they just can't give it to us anymore.

Just like with any other form of addiction, some days you do well, and some days you need your fix so much. I guess that is why some mystics advise us not to become "attached". I always think about this when I lose one. But the downside to that is that I would miss all the love and joy they bring. I accept that I will hurt, I will feel abandoned, that I will be angry at them for leaving, that I won't understand. It's the reconciliation of all that, that will finally give us peace. It's a long time coming....

Glad to see you back, I hope that means you are doing a bit better. I've been thinking of you.

Love

That is a suberb parallel Lori! I have had the unfortunate past when I was young and foolish of going down that road. But what I learned from that through recovery education I wrote about in a post from Paula called "ALLEY". It's uncanny that you would write this post just when I was writing that one. I think I can use some of that old school knowledge to help myself here. It won't be easy and a couple of falls will surely prevail but I think I know what I need to do now.......

Thank You Lori..
You have been a good friend to me here....

John

You are very welcome for anything I might have said that helped. You have been a good friend to me here also.

I read your post under Alley, it is uncanny that we were writing it at the same time. I agree it's our belief system that needs to change for true acceptance. Perhaps it doesn't have to be that it is best for all concerned. That's a great one, indeed I think were we do end up, just long in coming sometimes. Maybe it's the "best" thing, it hammers the heart. Perhaps it's enough if we stop resisting the fact of them being gone and simply accept that it was what had to happen, that everything changes, everything passes.

It helps me to believe they chose their own time. I'm using what I learned from my recovery education (young and foolish past also) to move through, it seems to be helping. It does give me a path to follow, even with the falls and backsliding.

Love

What is acceptance?

I wish I knew.

I came here today because I feel overwhelmed with the death of my Buddy. It will be 9 months in 2 weeks. I am no more accepting now than I was then. I feel abandoned, I am scared that I abandoned him. Maybe I could have done more, or done something differently. Maybe the cancer treatments brought on the kidney failure. I am full of maybe's and what if's that put acceptance out of my reach.

This may sound pessimistic, but I often wonder if people like us ever get over our loss and accept that our beloved pet is gone for good. I cry all the time because I can't accept it.

I realized more about it in the past two and a half weeks. I have not really given thought to how much untill this post was replied to. Here is what I have found.

You are not pessimistic. You are correct. We NEVER get over it. We heal through the process of releasing our pain in the form of grief. You have one half of the equation correct. My babies whom I loved with all my heart and soul are gone forever. I MUST ACCEPT that fact and I feel sad sense of loss as I write that but that is normal because it brings me back to the days when I lost them. I am revisiting the "sorrow" part of the grief process. The loss WILL always be there. What does not happen now is a torrent or flood of tears and a "timeout" to recompose myself. I am remembering more happy moments of my beloved pets as time goes forward and me with it.

You are stuck or possibly revisiting a part of the grief process too. It is the most self destructive part of the whole entire mess. GUILT! You must find a way to leave this vile creature in the past so you can regain your sanity and move forward. Guilt will bind you to the past and leave you always feeling empty and wanting. You have already stated that you cry all the time because you can't accept it. I have been there. When guilt barged into my life both times after I lost two furbabies within 3 monthes of each other all I did was cry. Now that I have left the monster behind I was able to begin healing through actual grief. You must leave that baggage behind. It will ruin you. I am sorry for your loss. I wish for you to move forward. You need to do this for your own health. I have read your story. We try to do the best for our furbabies. WE LOVE THEM! You cannot second guess a decision you made through love. That is the biggest thing I have learned about acceptance.

Acceptance to me is ridding my mind of denial. I deny how sick my beloved Max was. I deny that his quality of life became obsolete. I deny that I did the right thing by putting him down. When I think of him, I see him vibrant with life. I cannot except what he became during his last month. Without that acceptance is were my guilt comes from. I guess I'm backwords because I think my problem is that I remember him as being healthy and not ill. So I'm going to be hypicritical here and tell you to accept the fact that your freinds where ill and that now all their suffering is gone. Do not deny the fact that they became something other than the great companions that you remember. Sorry , like I said I'm being hypicritical because I ,myself cannot follow my own advice. On another note, I'm so sorry for your loses. I know how much you loved your furbabies.

You are on the right track! You know that denial has no place in the world of acceptance. They are opposite. Like fire and water they cannot be in the same place at the same time. No co-exisitance is possible. If one of those elements is stronger than the other, it will be the surviver. The other will perish.

To rid your mind of denial is the first step to the elusive goal of acceptance. You do not have to remember your baby being sick. If I do that (like I find myself doing at this moment talking of this) it makes me cry. This does us no good. Yes we will step back in time and go to that moment when we released the thing we loved the most into the care of the Creator, but we cannot stay there, for there is only pain and anguish.

The problem, in my humble opinion, is not that you are remembering Max as a healthy lab when he exists in your minds eye, but that you wish with all your heart that he was actually still here. Your not being hypocritical, you're grieving for him! Give your self a break! Be kind to yourself. You have suffered what I have referred to in the past as "psychological ampution". You have had a piece of yourself ripped from your life and you need to be good to yourself for the next while. You don't have to be sorry for ANYTHING. You come here and let it all out. That is what we are all here for.

There is going to be confusion in your mind during the horrible transition to acceptance. The transition from denial to acceptance IS great pain. There is no kind way to say that, but, you already know that. Some never find acceptance, sadly, others take longer but remember one thing;
THERE IS NO TIMELINE!
Do not let anyone rush you into "getting over it ". This serves only to minimize your feelings and cheat you out of the thing you need to do the most right now, grieve the loss of your loving freind,

I will watch out for you...
Please ponder what I have said..
Search and be honest with yourself...
The only way to heal is to let that pain out...
Acceptance IS truth
May you find it