I have returned from my trip and wanted to share these pictures with you of my girl's resting place.

It was very difficult to be there and I'll talk more about that later when I get time, but wanted to post these while I had a minute.

What a beautiful site, and the grave so graceful and sweet, like your Alley?

Wow, Alley's place is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your pictures. I hope that you're doing OK. Come back and let us know... I'm thinking of you and Alley today.

-Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

We miss them so darned much don't we. Hope your Alley sends you soothing thoughts to ease you through this. Hang on, be good to yourself, your very special love with Alley will last forever, now think of making things as comfortable as possible for yourself, don't forget, you are the other wonderful half of the Alley Mama whole, treat yourself well, you are mourning and deserve tenderness.

Alley's place is so, so beautiful. What a perfect place to lay her down to rest. I wish I could say something, anything.....

Please know that I am thinking of you. You are in my heart......

I thought I would feel closer to her there, and that I would feel her with me, but I didn't. Its been five months now, and she's just... gone.


I would give anything for some little sign from her.

I know how you feel, I am feeling so down myself today. Somedays, I know he's around, other days, like today I feel totally disconnected, and it's hard when I start losing hope. I so much need to have him know how much I loved him, how much I still love him, how I would have done things differently now that I know so much..bet you it's the same for you and Alley. Gonna go work my butt off outside today, it's the only way I can get my mind off this loss. take care Alley's mama.

Paula...you have been very kind to me here. I am sorry I have not been around for a while. I have found this place hard to come to now that Abigail has died. Something is still wrong, Something not done...not reconciled..I don't know what it is. All I know is that tears come every time I come here now and that never happened when Chase died...anyway...enough bubbling......

The place truly is beautiful & peaceful like others have said. Doesn't that make you want to cry? I want to touch on something you said...actually I zeroed right in on it because it tugged at me....



That is how I feel about Abigail. I thought I would find some sort of peace having her ashes close to me...but I don't. She is just gone. Is it because we still have not accepted that fact? If not when does it come? Why doesn't it come?

I really sorry if I have upset you in any way Paula. Its just in some strange way I think you are feeling the same way I am now...AND NOT LIKING IT ONE DAM BIT!!!

I hope your journey to acceptance will be complete some day. My is still ahead too.
Take care my freind ...I will surely be thinking if you

Alleys Mama

What a beautiful resting place for your baby. I'm so sorry it was so hard for you. I'm glad you finally got to see it.

It's funny but sometimes you have to "let them go" before you feel close again. Maybe it's an acceptance thing. I'm hoping you get some sign from her soon.

Love

John

That is exactly how I'm feeling. Like she's just gone. In the beginning, I felt like she was still with me. I could talk to her, would have a dream now and then. But now, there's just nothing. I feel like she has abandoned me.

That's part of the reason I have found it so hard to respond to others posts and grief on here. How can I tell them it will get better? How can I tell them that their beloved will always be with them, when I can't feel like its true for me?

My mom's cat was there, my son's cat was there, and the 5 kittens that she had were there. They were all beautiful but I had a really hard time even wanting to pet them or to play with the kittens. They were all beautiful, and I do have some pictures I will post soon, but it wasn't the same. They weren't as loving and didn't "talk" to me like Alley always did. They liked being petted but just didn't seem to have any personality. Alley was like a little person, and these were.. just cats.

I really thought being there with her would help me, and maybe it will eventually, but for now, I just feel worse than ever and I really don't know where to go from here. There will never be another like her. She was so special and I just miss her so damn much.

That is a lovely place for her to rest. I'm sorry you didn't "feel" her there.

I seldom "feel" my baby anymore and didn't "feel" her that often even right after she died and that made me really sad. For the first few months after she died I slept on the couch, not in bed, because once in a while I would feel here there and I never did feel her in bed. Which I thought was strange because she used to love to sleep in bed with us.

Anyway, it's hard when we don't get that feeling of them being here with us, that "sign" that they are still here. I try to hold on to the belief that she's someplace beautiful now.

Magdalene

Dear Alley's Momma,
I am so sorry for your sadness, her spot is beautiful, it is really lovely...I had to respond to you and John, I feel very similiar, I think when its the special buddy/relationship lost that you know will never be replaced how do you deal with that? I wish I knew.... we are adopting a new puppy in three weeks, and I have such mixed feelings, excited and happy one minute, and crying and sad the next...Hrudey will always be my special guy, I know that the new one will be loved and fun and great but not my boy and I can't quite get over that...I miss him like crazy, he was like no other, maybe neurotic and clingy and a little of a barker, and spoiled, needed to be by my side all the time. AND I also don't feel him around either, I don't think I ever did really even in the beginning, its terrible... I understand your feelings, I wish I knew or had the answer to this emptiness and sadness.. I guess just know that we understand, I came here today, (at work too) which I don't usually do, because I needed to connect with you all, anyway I am glad you are out there, as well as John, I hope you and John find the peace you are seeking, Bye for now, You are in my thoughts today... Tory, Hrudey's Momma

Thanks for sharing the pictures. I feel the same way as you. Misty was so special, talked to me every day, loved me and was the type of cat that had a human relationship with us. Other cats seem to be just cats to me. I really feel for you--what a beautiful grave area. I would imagine your loss is greater in some ways because she was so young, I think losing them prematurely has to be harder!! I am so sorry and don't know what else to say.

Hang in there, we are all in this together. I've had my days recently too, but sometimes I just don't want to feel the pain anymore. IT still seems like he's coming back any day.......

Hugs, Amy

I guess the trip just put me back several steps in my grief process. I've gone back to being so angry with god or fate or whoever took her from me. Its just not fair. She was so sweet and so beautiful and she deserved to live another 10 years. There will never be another like her. ever.


I have posted pictures of my family's cats and the baby kittens in the cybershoulder forum if anyone wants to see them.

Hi Paula. Contact with you in the forum has caused a lot of reflection lately.



My mother told me when I was a little boy that "if I don't expect things I will be happy in life" Why did it take so long to realize what she was trying to say? Now that I know what she meant, I wish I could tell her I knew what she was trying to convey (BIG SIGH not for this forum). I seemed to have gotten "want" & "expect" confused along the way though.

When I "expect" something and don't get it I feel angry and sad. I feel "let down" because my expectations were not met. I have found a sure fire way to set myself up for an emotional fall through expectations, and I only have myself to blame for it. It was my own doing...and I think it is also my undoing.

I "want" my babies back, and in a terribly perverse kind of way I actually "expect" them back because it seems that "expect" and "want" are now closely intertwined in my life due to some kind of psychological displacement.

I "expect" if I had them back I would relieve myself of this pain and all the feelings of unjust because they are gone. In my mind if I learned to live with the emptiness & pain of them not being here, of never being able to touch or hold them, that would be accepting it.

That is not accepting it!

If I could just make myself see that they had to move on and truly believe that was best for all concerned, I would then be "accepting it". Accepting to live with the pain of them gone is "not accepting it".

I talked of making myself "believe" that their passing was "best for all". I think I need to go to the beginning of the thought process and target my belief system in order to move forward and achieve "acceptance". We think & act on what we "believe" in. If I truly believed that all this was for the greater good I think it would go a long way in making life free of the endless woe of late. That would be "accepting it".

Its a lot to swallow though. I don't quite know how to make myself believe.....

I have to go.....I feel a sudden urge to chase my tail around again for a while.

Be well Paula.......

I know what you mean...



But I don't believe that. Right now, I guess I don't really believe in anything. I just know that my girl isn't with me. and it sucks. It truly truly does.