Thread is by: DEEDEE re: EUTHANASIA
Hi - My name is Denise and I am one of the moderator's here at LS.... I wanted to come by and re-post one of our
older threads regarding euthanasia....... The pain, the guilt, the grief, the tears..........
It certainly is A JOURNEY......
And, it is a wonderful thing to be a part of such a loving pet grief site...."Lightning-Strikes"..... You are all among the
absolute BEST & MOST CARING PET GRIEF SITE IN THE WORLD
I hope that reading this thread will help to bring some peace to a lot of you who are hurting.....
God Bless!!
Peace, Love, Good Health & Happiness, Always!!
Love, Denise & Ben
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*****NOW THE GUILT IS HITTING***** STARTED BY: DEEDEE
I had my old boy cat Oswald euthanized on Sunday. He was 16+ years old and had kidney failure. In addition to the grief, I am also trying to deal with some of the guilt. I know that kidney failure is sometimes treatable, but Oswald also had diabetes and has had poor health off and on for a few years. Although the diabetes wasn't very active when the kidney failure became bad, I decided to have him euthanized instead of treated. The vet said there was no guarantee treatment would work.
Now I am being hit with wave after wave of guilt. I made the decision to euthanize because I didn't want to put him through more tests and treatment - he had spent a lot of time at the vet and absolutely hated it. I am now regretting that I didn't take the chance that treatment would work. Part of me is saying that even if it kept him alive for another two weeks or a month, I should have tried. The other part of me is arguing that I did the right thing - that it wouldn't have prolong his life or quality of life for very long, and that his age was working against him.
I read the article on guilt, and a lot of it makes sense. How did some of you cope with your decision to euthanize when it was such a grey area?
I had my old boy cat Oswald euthanized on Sunday. He was 16+ years old and had kidney failure. In addition to the grief, I am also trying to deal with some of the guilt. I know that kidney failure is sometimes treatable, but Oswald also had diabetes and has had poor health off and on for a few years. Although the diabetes wasn't very active when the kidney failure became bad, I decided to have him euthanized instead of treated. The vet said there was no guarantee treatment would work.
Now I am being hit with wave after wave of guilt. I made the decision to euthanize because I didn't want to put him through more tests and treatment - he had spent a lot of time at the vet and absolutely hated it. I am now regretting that I didn't take the chance that treatment would work. Part of me is saying that even if it kept him alive for another two weeks or a month, I should have tried. The other part of me is arguing that I did the right thing - that it wouldn't have prolong his life or quality of life for very long, and that his age was working against him.
I read the article on guilt, and a lot of it makes sense. How did some of you cope with your decision to euthanize when it was such a grey area?
Full Version: Now The Guilt Is Hitting
I spent over a month giving Jesse sub-cutaneous fluid injections. He was 8. When his lungs began filling up with fluid from the cancer I was told that they could drain it if I waited one day but that there was no guarantee that it would last very long. So I had him put to sleep.
I felt guilt. I still wonder if I could have had one more day or week or month. I also know that he may have ended up dying alone in a closet or under the bed if I was at work or out and he took a turn for the worse.
Instead, he went peacefully, without pain, with me talking to him and looking into his eyes. Do I still feel guilt? Yes. Do I regret my decision? No. Never.
The ones I love will never be asked to suffer needlessly if I can prevent it. I accept the pain and the guilt as the price I have paid for their love. One day I hope someone I love is brave enough to do the same for me.
I felt guilt. I still wonder if I could have had one more day or week or month. I also know that he may have ended up dying alone in a closet or under the bed if I was at work or out and he took a turn for the worse.
Instead, he went peacefully, without pain, with me talking to him and looking into his eyes. Do I still feel guilt? Yes. Do I regret my decision? No. Never.
The ones I love will never be asked to suffer needlessly if I can prevent it. I accept the pain and the guilt as the price I have paid for their love. One day I hope someone I love is brave enough to do the same for me.
Hi Dedee.
My dog died suddenly and unexpectedly there was not even a chance for me to say goodbye. I am completely gutted by a different kind of guilt. I feel that I did not hold her and comfort her as she died. She was being treated at the vet's and everyone thought she'd pull through.
I understand your guilt feelings, but you did the right thing, and your Oswald knew that he as loved. You were a wonderful mom to him.
My dog died suddenly and unexpectedly there was not even a chance for me to say goodbye. I am completely gutted by a different kind of guilt. I feel that I did not hold her and comfort her as she died. She was being treated at the vet's and everyone thought she'd pull through.
I understand your guilt feelings, but you did the right thing, and your Oswald knew that he as loved. You were a wonderful mom to him.
Thank you for your responses. I guess we will never know how much longer we would have prolonged their lives had we treated, or if it would have improved the quality of their lives.
Steph, I am so sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Your dog knows you loved her, though, and that you were trying to save her through the vet.
Steph, I am so sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Your dog knows you loved her, though, and that you were trying to save her through the vet.
DeeDee,
I know how you feel. I had to make a quick decision to euthanize my boy, Indy. He went to the vet for a wellness check up and came out of it with everything is fine except for arthritis in his back. I couldn't believe it because he was 14 years old. 5 days later he came down with diarehha so back to the vet we went. He said to give him medication for the runs and put neosporan around where he was laying in his feces. I cleaned him everytime I saw he was dirty then on Sunday I found a baseball sized of magots on him. The vet never noticed the day before. I rushed him to the emergency vet and he said the kindest thing to do for him is to put him down. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted him to be with me always and now the reality set in that that was not going to happen. I feel guilty everyday for putting him down, for letting him go so long being sick and thinking I just could have kept him one more day the other vet could fix him. He wasn't the same old dog I knew. He didn't feel well at all. He tried to bite everyone that was trying to help him but mom was okay. He was hurting and I couldn't live with myself if I let it continue. Yes, I feel guilty everyday for different things. But I know I did the right thing. You didn't want your furbaby to hurt anymore. You love him with all your heart and now he isn't in pain and is happy and waiting for you to join him. You know helping them is the most loving thing you could do and you helped him feel better. I hope that this helps a little. This is a hard time for you but time will help you see that you should not feel guilty. Every day that goes by helps me feel better. You hurt now but your beloved furbaby is in a better place. You and your furbaby are in my thoughts. (Sorry it is soooo long, my response that is. I am helping myself by writing this!)
ChrissyW
I know how you feel. I had to make a quick decision to euthanize my boy, Indy. He went to the vet for a wellness check up and came out of it with everything is fine except for arthritis in his back. I couldn't believe it because he was 14 years old. 5 days later he came down with diarehha so back to the vet we went. He said to give him medication for the runs and put neosporan around where he was laying in his feces. I cleaned him everytime I saw he was dirty then on Sunday I found a baseball sized of magots on him. The vet never noticed the day before. I rushed him to the emergency vet and he said the kindest thing to do for him is to put him down. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted him to be with me always and now the reality set in that that was not going to happen. I feel guilty everyday for putting him down, for letting him go so long being sick and thinking I just could have kept him one more day the other vet could fix him. He wasn't the same old dog I knew. He didn't feel well at all. He tried to bite everyone that was trying to help him but mom was okay. He was hurting and I couldn't live with myself if I let it continue. Yes, I feel guilty everyday for different things. But I know I did the right thing. You didn't want your furbaby to hurt anymore. You love him with all your heart and now he isn't in pain and is happy and waiting for you to join him. You know helping them is the most loving thing you could do and you helped him feel better. I hope that this helps a little. This is a hard time for you but time will help you see that you should not feel guilty. Every day that goes by helps me feel better. You hurt now but your beloved furbaby is in a better place. You and your furbaby are in my thoughts. (Sorry it is soooo long, my response that is. I am helping myself by writing this!)
ChrissyW
Deedee, please don't keep feeling guilty. You did what you had to do and you were courageous to be able to keep your Oswald from suffering. It is a devastating thing to have a pet euthanized and I think it takes a lot of love to let them go when it is time to do so.
I was just the opposite. I didn't have the strength to let my Bear go peacefully. Instead, I feel that I may have made him suffer. On top of guilt, I also feel selfish for wanting to keep him with me a little longer.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Bear's Mom
I was just the opposite. I didn't have the strength to let my Bear go peacefully. Instead, I feel that I may have made him suffer. On top of guilt, I also feel selfish for wanting to keep him with me a little longer.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Bear's Mom
Deedee,
I'm going through the same feelings and Buster also had kidney problems. We had to put him to sleep on Friday. He had had elevated kidney values but they acutally improved over a few months. But he was wasting away, looked so sad and in pain so we took him back to the vet and x-rays showed one kidney was very enlarged. He absolutely hated going to the vet and it just stressed him out tremendously so I couldn't put him through the things they recommended....He was 15 years old and my first furbaby. My other baby, Max is also going through CRF and on subQ fluids....
Don't feel guilty Deedee. We didn't want our babies to be in pain and put them through more tests and procedures. They will always be in our hearts - and we will always have our memories of them. I know it's hard and just like me I know the emptiness you feel. Don't second guess the decision you made (It's so easy to say that to someone else). I'm trying to believe that he was telling me that it was his time to go the the Rainbow Bridge....
God Bless,
Karen
I'm going through the same feelings and Buster also had kidney problems. We had to put him to sleep on Friday. He had had elevated kidney values but they acutally improved over a few months. But he was wasting away, looked so sad and in pain so we took him back to the vet and x-rays showed one kidney was very enlarged. He absolutely hated going to the vet and it just stressed him out tremendously so I couldn't put him through the things they recommended....He was 15 years old and my first furbaby. My other baby, Max is also going through CRF and on subQ fluids....
Don't feel guilty Deedee. We didn't want our babies to be in pain and put them through more tests and procedures. They will always be in our hearts - and we will always have our memories of them. I know it's hard and just like me I know the emptiness you feel. Don't second guess the decision you made (It's so easy to say that to someone else). I'm trying to believe that he was telling me that it was his time to go the the Rainbow Bridge....
God Bless,
Karen
DeeDee,
I am so sorry. Your story sounds pretty much like mine. I went through a major guilt episode. It was awful, just awful. I am better now, but still dealing with the issue. I am beginning to accept that what was done cannot be changed, and guilt is a killer too, a killer of your life and it robs you of moving forward. So, I read lots of books and articles about it and postings on this site. The Serenity Prayer helped me too. The guilt is normal though. Just about everyone experiences it to some degree. I tried to weigh my guilt against all the good things, and that helped some too.
If you haven't gone back and read old posts from those of us who were just overwhelmed with guilt, take time to do that. You will know that you are not alone. The posts I made about this and received lots of wonderful responses are as follows:
Posted May 10, 2004: Hannah's Euthanasia; May 2: I have no peace in my heart; May 22: Still Feeling Guilty Sad; and last, I made a post under Important Topics on this site on May 18: Dealing With the Guilt.
You are in my thoughts. I know how horrible this feels.
Marcia
I am so sorry. Your story sounds pretty much like mine. I went through a major guilt episode. It was awful, just awful. I am better now, but still dealing with the issue. I am beginning to accept that what was done cannot be changed, and guilt is a killer too, a killer of your life and it robs you of moving forward. So, I read lots of books and articles about it and postings on this site. The Serenity Prayer helped me too. The guilt is normal though. Just about everyone experiences it to some degree. I tried to weigh my guilt against all the good things, and that helped some too.
If you haven't gone back and read old posts from those of us who were just overwhelmed with guilt, take time to do that. You will know that you are not alone. The posts I made about this and received lots of wonderful responses are as follows:
Posted May 10, 2004: Hannah's Euthanasia; May 2: I have no peace in my heart; May 22: Still Feeling Guilty Sad; and last, I made a post under Important Topics on this site on May 18: Dealing With the Guilt.
You are in my thoughts. I know how horrible this feels.
Marcia
Marcia, there is a lot of your story in my story. I thought Oz was 17 - but when I looked at my diary after the "event", he was only 16. I, too, found out later on the internet that some people's cats lived for a few years after they were diagnosed with kidney failure, and that the treatment was similar to what I had been doing for his diabetes. I didn't want to do a search because, like you, I was afraid of what I would find out. I should have asked the vet more questions when he said there was no guarantee that the treatment would work. I should have asked him for what the odds were that Oswald would actually have quality time left.
Like you, I believed that I was making the best decision possible. Now I think I didn't research it enough. I also feel bad that I thought of how long I had been treated Oz for his diabetes and how expensive and time-consuming it was. I had to get a sitter in for him when I went on holidays, or board him at the vet's so he could get his insulin shots. I had to be home twice a day to give him his shots. Cats are the only species who can recover from diabetes, and he recovered twice to the point that it was treated with his diet. He was always getting hauled to the vet for bloodwork and he hated it. I didn't want to go through this with the subQ shots and I didn't want him to go through the distress.
I am trying to concentrate on the fact that he lived for five years after he got diagnosed with the diabetes and that he had a pretty good quality of life. The vet had put him on a different diet for his kidneys, so I was aware that he had that problem. When the failure hit, he went downhill very quickly, and that was when I chose to have him euthanized. But, Marcia, like you, I have been castigating myself that maybe I acted too quickly and that maybe I should have tried the treatment. Who knows how long he would have lived then. I truly believed I was doing the right thing, but now I have doubts. This is so, so hard!
Dee Dee
Like you, I believed that I was making the best decision possible. Now I think I didn't research it enough. I also feel bad that I thought of how long I had been treated Oz for his diabetes and how expensive and time-consuming it was. I had to get a sitter in for him when I went on holidays, or board him at the vet's so he could get his insulin shots. I had to be home twice a day to give him his shots. Cats are the only species who can recover from diabetes, and he recovered twice to the point that it was treated with his diet. He was always getting hauled to the vet for bloodwork and he hated it. I didn't want to go through this with the subQ shots and I didn't want him to go through the distress.
I am trying to concentrate on the fact that he lived for five years after he got diagnosed with the diabetes and that he had a pretty good quality of life. The vet had put him on a different diet for his kidneys, so I was aware that he had that problem. When the failure hit, he went downhill very quickly, and that was when I chose to have him euthanized. But, Marcia, like you, I have been castigating myself that maybe I acted too quickly and that maybe I should have tried the treatment. Who knows how long he would have lived then. I truly believed I was doing the right thing, but now I have doubts. This is so, so hard!
Dee Dee
Hi Everyone:
When I first came on board here at Lightning Strikes, it was in the very early morning hours of 2/8/2004.
Our Beautiful girl, Ernestine, was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, at the age of 19 years, 10 months....
She was my girl.........we grew up together, and she was my best friend.... Always!!
When Ben came along in March, 2001, he became her dad.... And, they bonded quickly..
Ernie had a thyroidectomy at around age 15......and she was on Tapazole after that.
Her heart rate never did get into the normal range, (her HR was always in the high 200's, and at the end, just over 300 beats per minute), despite being treated for hyperthyroidism...
And then, when she was about 18, she developed signs of kidney disease, which was also making her HR go up....
In her last 3 months on this Earth, she lost 25% of her body weight.... from 8.2 to 6.85 to 5.9 pounds....
She was sooooo tiny. So fragile.... My little girl...
And, everyday, at least 5++ times/day, she would VIOLENTLY RETCH, clear stomach acids.
We had that "Pink medicine" to give her, to help coat her stomach....
But, she was suffering...... Her retching looked sooo painful!!!
She couldn't get enough cold water, and I think that her esophagus was burning her sooooo much, that the
water felt good going down..... (she loved drinking out of the bathroom sink, and especially loved ice in her water.
)
I called our vet on 2/7/2004, which was a Saturday, and he was in --- that was unusual, because he had always
taken Saturdays off.
Ben & I kind of took that "as a sign".......
I was a wreck, I didn't want my girl to leave, but, I ALSO DIDN'T WANT HER TO HURT ANY LONGER!!!!
After she was put to sleep, and I saw her tiny, lifeless body there, I couldn't stop crying..... I walked around in a daze for what seemed like, forever.... I kept thinking that I saw her.... I slept with her two favorite toys for a very long time... Her beanie baby, "Lemur", and baby, "Lion"....
I'd come on this site, and just ramble on & on ---- not sure if I was making sense, but, it was hard even typing, because
I just couldn't stop crying.
My heart hurt.......my head hurt.... I just thought my head & chest were going to explode....
Every single person on this wonderful site, understood everything I was going through!!!!!
Then, one lovely person on this site said to me................
"DENISE, YOU DID THE MOST LOVING THING FOR YOUR GIRL, ERNESTINE..........
...........YOU TOOK ON HER PAIN, SO THAT SHE COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN......."
Well, in my state of mind, that is the one and only thing that made sense to me......
And, I thank that wonderful person who said that to me....
Ernie-Bird is happy now........ She is living in a perfect body, and is having no more of that violent retching that
she suffered here on earth with.....
She is healthy!!! And, one day, she & I will be reunited....
As Kathy, (LittleGirl'sMommy) says, "she's in perfect bliss right now".....)
I will always LOVE HER & I WILL ALWAYS MISS HER!!!!!
But, I am at peace with what I had to do that day, in having her put to sleep.
It was the kindest thing that I could do for my girl.....
I had asked God to please take her, in her sleep ---- but, that wasn't to be....
And, the vet said that she was "just starting to starve herself, and that kind of death, is very, very painful"...
Would I do that for Ernestine again.......????? YES, IN A HEARTBEAT.....
And, I hope that if I am suffering when it's my time, that there will be someone kind enough to just let me go......
God Bless All of You!
Love, Denise
p.s. I remember the day that "I bought her" for $10.00, at a pet store.... It was in June, 1984...and I saw this little kitten, sleeping --- sprawled out. I could make out that she was a tortioseshell calico, and she had the biggest double paws..... I had to have her....
For just $10.00, (and that was for her shots), I received a beautiful gift...... She & I went through a lot together...
Always, when I was sad, or just had one of multiple hand operations,.....whatever it was....., My sweet little girl was right there with me...
I will always & forever love her!! She was my best friend, ever!
Ben & I have two furkids that we adopted exactly one month after Ernie went to the Bridge.... Lucy is 6 years old, and Mr. Yoster is 7 years old....
I know that our girl, Ernestine, led us to these 2 babies that desperately needed a home...
God Bless you, Ernie!!!!
When I first came on board here at Lightning Strikes, it was in the very early morning hours of 2/8/2004.
Our Beautiful girl, Ernestine, was put to sleep on 2/7/2004, at the age of 19 years, 10 months....
She was my girl.........we grew up together, and she was my best friend.... Always!!
When Ben came along in March, 2001, he became her dad.... And, they bonded quickly..
Ernie had a thyroidectomy at around age 15......and she was on Tapazole after that.
Her heart rate never did get into the normal range, (her HR was always in the high 200's, and at the end, just over 300 beats per minute), despite being treated for hyperthyroidism...
And then, when she was about 18, she developed signs of kidney disease, which was also making her HR go up....
In her last 3 months on this Earth, she lost 25% of her body weight.... from 8.2 to 6.85 to 5.9 pounds....
She was sooooo tiny. So fragile.... My little girl...
And, everyday, at least 5++ times/day, she would VIOLENTLY RETCH, clear stomach acids.
We had that "Pink medicine" to give her, to help coat her stomach....
But, she was suffering...... Her retching looked sooo painful!!!
She couldn't get enough cold water, and I think that her esophagus was burning her sooooo much, that the
water felt good going down..... (she loved drinking out of the bathroom sink, and especially loved ice in her water.
)I called our vet on 2/7/2004, which was a Saturday, and he was in --- that was unusual, because he had always
taken Saturdays off.
Ben & I kind of took that "as a sign".......
I was a wreck, I didn't want my girl to leave, but, I ALSO DIDN'T WANT HER TO HURT ANY LONGER!!!!
After she was put to sleep, and I saw her tiny, lifeless body there, I couldn't stop crying..... I walked around in a daze for what seemed like, forever.... I kept thinking that I saw her.... I slept with her two favorite toys for a very long time... Her beanie baby, "Lemur", and baby, "Lion"....
I'd come on this site, and just ramble on & on ---- not sure if I was making sense, but, it was hard even typing, because
I just couldn't stop crying.
My heart hurt.......my head hurt.... I just thought my head & chest were going to explode....
Every single person on this wonderful site, understood everything I was going through!!!!!
Then, one lovely person on this site said to me................
"DENISE, YOU DID THE MOST LOVING THING FOR YOUR GIRL, ERNESTINE..........
...........YOU TOOK ON HER PAIN, SO THAT SHE COULD FINALLY BE WITHOUT PAIN......."
Well, in my state of mind, that is the one and only thing that made sense to me......
And, I thank that wonderful person who said that to me....
Ernie-Bird is happy now........ She is living in a perfect body, and is having no more of that violent retching that
she suffered here on earth with.....
She is healthy!!! And, one day, she & I will be reunited....
As Kathy, (LittleGirl'sMommy) says, "she's in perfect bliss right now".....)
I will always LOVE HER & I WILL ALWAYS MISS HER!!!!!
But, I am at peace with what I had to do that day, in having her put to sleep.
It was the kindest thing that I could do for my girl.....
I had asked God to please take her, in her sleep ---- but, that wasn't to be....
And, the vet said that she was "just starting to starve herself, and that kind of death, is very, very painful"...
Would I do that for Ernestine again.......????? YES, IN A HEARTBEAT.....
And, I hope that if I am suffering when it's my time, that there will be someone kind enough to just let me go......
God Bless All of You!
Love, Denise
p.s. I remember the day that "I bought her" for $10.00, at a pet store.... It was in June, 1984...and I saw this little kitten, sleeping --- sprawled out. I could make out that she was a tortioseshell calico, and she had the biggest double paws..... I had to have her....
For just $10.00, (and that was for her shots), I received a beautiful gift...... She & I went through a lot together...
Always, when I was sad, or just had one of multiple hand operations,.....whatever it was....., My sweet little girl was right there with me...
I will always & forever love her!! She was my best friend, ever!
Ben & I have two furkids that we adopted exactly one month after Ernie went to the Bridge.... Lucy is 6 years old, and Mr. Yoster is 7 years old....
I know that our girl, Ernestine, led us to these 2 babies that desperately needed a home...
God Bless you, Ernie!!!!
Deedee,
I am so sorry for your loss. We had our 10 year old Tabby, Christpher, put to sleep yesterday (June 23rd). He had FIP, for which there is currently no cure. He had been hospitalized three times and kept crashing every couple of weeks at home and was never truly himself after being hospitalized. We had the option to see a specialist or have him hospitalized again. A specialist most likely wasn't going to help and would only want to do more tests, which he hated. Hospitalizing him was only going to prolong the inevitable, and we felt that was not what he would want. It was the hardest decision we have ever made, and even though we know in our hearts that we made the right choice, I am still wracked with guilt at what I could have done differently. I also regret that I was not strong enough to watch him go to sleep. Unfortunately, he is such a fighter that it was decided to put him in an anesthesia box instead of attempting an IV, so he would not struggle. This meant he would peacefully go to sleep without fighting, but I was unable to hold him at the very last moments. So, I decided to say my goodbyes before and let the vet take him...even though he would not have seen me, I wish I had been there for him to hear me. But, I know he loved me and knew that I loved him and that is the most important thing. I keep telling myself that he knew that I loved him and that is the what matters in the end. I hope things get better for you...please remember that your Oswald knows you loved him and did what you thought to be best.
Christopher's Mom...aka: Lisa
I am so sorry for your loss. We had our 10 year old Tabby, Christpher, put to sleep yesterday (June 23rd). He had FIP, for which there is currently no cure. He had been hospitalized three times and kept crashing every couple of weeks at home and was never truly himself after being hospitalized. We had the option to see a specialist or have him hospitalized again. A specialist most likely wasn't going to help and would only want to do more tests, which he hated. Hospitalizing him was only going to prolong the inevitable, and we felt that was not what he would want. It was the hardest decision we have ever made, and even though we know in our hearts that we made the right choice, I am still wracked with guilt at what I could have done differently. I also regret that I was not strong enough to watch him go to sleep. Unfortunately, he is such a fighter that it was decided to put him in an anesthesia box instead of attempting an IV, so he would not struggle. This meant he would peacefully go to sleep without fighting, but I was unable to hold him at the very last moments. So, I decided to say my goodbyes before and let the vet take him...even though he would not have seen me, I wish I had been there for him to hear me. But, I know he loved me and knew that I loved him and that is the most important thing. I keep telling myself that he knew that I loved him and that is the what matters in the end. I hope things get better for you...please remember that your Oswald knows you loved him and did what you thought to be best.
Christopher's Mom...aka: Lisa
Thank you, Lisa and Denise. I still feel grief and a bit of guilt, but I am starting to realize that if I had treated Oswald, it would have been keeping him alive for myself, not for him. It is always a hard decision to make.
I wasn't in the room when I had my other kitty (20 years old) put down three years ago. They tranquilized her before they gave her the final injection. I stayed with her until the sedative started to work. I did stay for Oswald. The way they leave us is less important than the way they were with us. They know they are loved, and that is what it is all about. I wish them all peace and freedom from the shackles of pain.
It is unfortunate that the greasy feelings of guilt seem to accompany grief. The grief is pure because we loved; the guilt is there because we are human.
I wasn't in the room when I had my other kitty (20 years old) put down three years ago. They tranquilized her before they gave her the final injection. I stayed with her until the sedative started to work. I did stay for Oswald. The way they leave us is less important than the way they were with us. They know they are loved, and that is what it is all about. I wish them all peace and freedom from the shackles of pain.
It is unfortunate that the greasy feelings of guilt seem to accompany grief. The grief is pure because we loved; the guilt is there because we are human.
DeeDee,
Yes, our stories are very, very similar, and it is so hard. You did so much for your little Oswald with his diabetes, and he had been through a lot, for sure. I can certainly understand your decision not to have to make him go through anymore treatments. I try to remember all the good times Hannah had and all the good things I did do for her too. But it still hurts. I believe that one day we will be able to forgive ourselves. One thing I really think too is that everything is different in retrospect. As someone here said and I think I elaborated on: "It couldn't have been me all by myself who made that decision. It couldn't have been me who made that appointment. It couldn't have been me, all by myself, who took her to the vet to have her put to sleep . . ." I know I prayed about it, I worried myself sick for months (and worried for years) about what would happen when I had to let little Hannah go. I didn't think I would survive losing her either, but here I am. God had to have had a hand in helping me. But now I wonder, how did I do it? Was I right or wrong? Too soon, too late? Why didn't I do more? But again, that is in retrospect, and we cannot change what is done. I know each and every one of us here did what we thought was best for our little ones AT THE TIME. We certainly didn't do it for ourselves.
When I was trying to decide, I kept thinking about the following poem, which is just about the saddest thing I've ever read:
May I Go Now?
May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain-filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I’ve lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn’t want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.
I want to go.
I really do.
It’s difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day,
To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you’re sad and so afraid,
because I see your tears.
I’ll not be far,
I promise that, and hope you’ll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.
Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too.
That’s why it’s hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you’ll let me go today. -
Susan A. Jackson
Now, I have found another poem from a book written by Betty J. Carmack, entitled Grieving the Death of a Pet. This poem brings me some comfort now, and I hope it will help you too.
Please Don't Feel Guilty
Please don't feel guilty. You don't need to. I don't want you to be rough on yourself. I heard you speak last night. I heard you say how guilty you are for what you think you didn't do right. You did more than I ever would have expected anyone to do. You loved me through it all. I never doubted your love for me. Whatever decisions you made, I know were made with my best interest in mind. Please don't feel guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you speak of your guilt. You don't need to feel guilty. Please don't.Betty J. Carmack
Bless you DeeDee. I thank you for sharing your story and for your response to me.
Marcia
Yes, our stories are very, very similar, and it is so hard. You did so much for your little Oswald with his diabetes, and he had been through a lot, for sure. I can certainly understand your decision not to have to make him go through anymore treatments. I try to remember all the good times Hannah had and all the good things I did do for her too. But it still hurts. I believe that one day we will be able to forgive ourselves. One thing I really think too is that everything is different in retrospect. As someone here said and I think I elaborated on: "It couldn't have been me all by myself who made that decision. It couldn't have been me who made that appointment. It couldn't have been me, all by myself, who took her to the vet to have her put to sleep . . ." I know I prayed about it, I worried myself sick for months (and worried for years) about what would happen when I had to let little Hannah go. I didn't think I would survive losing her either, but here I am. God had to have had a hand in helping me. But now I wonder, how did I do it? Was I right or wrong? Too soon, too late? Why didn't I do more? But again, that is in retrospect, and we cannot change what is done. I know each and every one of us here did what we thought was best for our little ones AT THE TIME. We certainly didn't do it for ourselves.
When I was trying to decide, I kept thinking about the following poem, which is just about the saddest thing I've ever read:
May I Go Now?
May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain-filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I’ve lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn’t want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.
I want to go.
I really do.
It’s difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day,
To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you’re sad and so afraid,
because I see your tears.
I’ll not be far,
I promise that, and hope you’ll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.
Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too.
That’s why it’s hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you’ll let me go today. -
Susan A. Jackson
Now, I have found another poem from a book written by Betty J. Carmack, entitled Grieving the Death of a Pet. This poem brings me some comfort now, and I hope it will help you too.
Please Don't Feel Guilty
Please don't feel guilty. You don't need to. I don't want you to be rough on yourself. I heard you speak last night. I heard you say how guilty you are for what you think you didn't do right. You did more than I ever would have expected anyone to do. You loved me through it all. I never doubted your love for me. Whatever decisions you made, I know were made with my best interest in mind. Please don't feel guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you speak of your guilt. You don't need to feel guilty. Please don't.Betty J. Carmack
Bless you DeeDee. I thank you for sharing your story and for your response to me.
Marcia
Marcia, I didn't think I had any more tears left in me, but the poem you posted proved that wrong. It was so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
Bear's Mom
Bear's Mom
Dee Dee,
I am so sorry for the loss of your pet. I'm so glad you found your way here. it's like a little healing garden for all of us to share the wonderful memories of our furbabies.
I know much about guilt; I'm Irish and Catholic.
I had to make that descision for my 16 year old cat Solas. He was the most beautiful royal black prince of New York that you ever saw. He became ill with FIP and went downhill so fast that 3 weeks later he had started starving himself. He couldn't use his back paws and drag himself around the house. I told him that I didn't think that I would be able to have him put to sleep, but that I would do it, if that's what he wanted. Then something amazing happened; He turned up and looked at me with those big (cloudy) eyes, and he kissed me. Planted one right on my mouth, and he hasn't done that for ages, so that was my sign. I think getting a clear shot from him saved me some guilt. I say SOME, because we all feel it for so many different reasons.
The guilt is not productive. Put energy into a memory book, full of funny stories of your darling. Create a comfort nest of things, stuffed animals, pictures, a nice pot pouri, ANYTHING that makes you feel better. And be gentle, it gets better a little at a time. One day I'm moving forward, one day I'm moving back. . . It's a little like the cosmic version of the Bunny Hop.
Hello to everyone else! I'm sorry I can't respond, but I'm fading fast. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I have a medical test tomorrow.
Love to all especially my poor boy Solas
Ariel
I am so sorry for the loss of your pet. I'm so glad you found your way here. it's like a little healing garden for all of us to share the wonderful memories of our furbabies.
I know much about guilt; I'm Irish and Catholic.
I had to make that descision for my 16 year old cat Solas. He was the most beautiful royal black prince of New York that you ever saw. He became ill with FIP and went downhill so fast that 3 weeks later he had started starving himself. He couldn't use his back paws and drag himself around the house. I told him that I didn't think that I would be able to have him put to sleep, but that I would do it, if that's what he wanted. Then something amazing happened; He turned up and looked at me with those big (cloudy) eyes, and he kissed me. Planted one right on my mouth, and he hasn't done that for ages, so that was my sign. I think getting a clear shot from him saved me some guilt. I say SOME, because we all feel it for so many different reasons.
The guilt is not productive. Put energy into a memory book, full of funny stories of your darling. Create a comfort nest of things, stuffed animals, pictures, a nice pot pouri, ANYTHING that makes you feel better. And be gentle, it gets better a little at a time. One day I'm moving forward, one day I'm moving back. . . It's a little like the cosmic version of the Bunny Hop.
Hello to everyone else! I'm sorry I can't respond, but I'm fading fast. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I have a medical test tomorrow.
Love to all especially my poor boy Solas
Ariel
Hello deedee
You know you are absolutely correct--to have hung on would have been for you--not for your dear animal.
I made the mistake of hanging on and I hope my beautiful boy
<--------(-that's him there) had enough drugs in him to make it so he did not have to suffer. I worry about it though, I will always worry that I increased his suffering. Had I been more grown up about it I would have seen that I was just prolonging things. it was such a confusing time for me.
I am just so sorry that your physical time with your wonderful friend is over. But I am also so glad that you had this wonderful friend to begin with! Same for me...how much my buddy gave to me!! Nothing can take it away. Not death. Nope. not even that. My Ginger is with me everyday. And I can tell from how you write about your Oswald--it is the same for you..his impact on your life is huge. Nothing can take that away.
You know you are absolutely correct--to have hung on would have been for you--not for your dear animal.
I made the mistake of hanging on and I hope my beautiful boy
<--------(-that's him there) had enough drugs in him to make it so he did not have to suffer. I worry about it though, I will always worry that I increased his suffering. Had I been more grown up about it I would have seen that I was just prolonging things. it was such a confusing time for me.
I am just so sorry that your physical time with your wonderful friend is over. But I am also so glad that you had this wonderful friend to begin with! Same for me...how much my buddy gave to me!! Nothing can take it away. Not death. Nope. not even that. My Ginger is with me everyday. And I can tell from how you write about your Oswald--it is the same for you..his impact on your life is huge. Nothing can take that away.
Thank you all for your replies. Ariel, you are in my prayers. I hope that everything is okay for you with the medical tests. I got a real chuckle about your guilt remark. I am also touched by the love shown here - for each other and for our beloved fur-buddies. A lot of people don't "get it". I was fortunate enough to have a boss who told me to take the day after off. He said that it was as much of a bereavement for me as it would be if a family member died. He pointed out that some long-lost uncle's death would have had less of an impact, but that HR doesn't recognize pet bereavement. I am very fortunate to work for a person who shows so much compassion!
The guilt has started to lift a bit. Although there might be more that we can do for our pets when they get old, frail and ill, I believe we make decisions based on love. I will never know whether having Oswald treated would have prolonged his life with quality, not quantity, but I do know that he had four extra years of good quality life with the insulin shots and high fibre diet. I am so happy to have had those extra years with him.
I don't know who wrote this poem, but someone sent it to me when I watched Carmen, my 20 year old beauty, go towards the Rainbow Bridge - she and Oswald are there now, licking each other's head.
For a Child Who Has Lost Her Cat
They go
you know:
no matter the dish of tinned tuna
the nest you build in your own quilts
the felt mouse
and the ball with pink and yellow stripes.
They disappear:
into the paths of cars
into talons and beaks
into the arms of strangers
and the ravages of private disease.
And from their leavings we learn
of leaving:
how everything that pads into our lives
soft-footed sleek
pads out again into the night
leaving traces.
May our traces be happy ones.
The guilt has started to lift a bit. Although there might be more that we can do for our pets when they get old, frail and ill, I believe we make decisions based on love. I will never know whether having Oswald treated would have prolonged his life with quality, not quantity, but I do know that he had four extra years of good quality life with the insulin shots and high fibre diet. I am so happy to have had those extra years with him.
I don't know who wrote this poem, but someone sent it to me when I watched Carmen, my 20 year old beauty, go towards the Rainbow Bridge - she and Oswald are there now, licking each other's head.
For a Child Who Has Lost Her Cat
They go
you know:
no matter the dish of tinned tuna
the nest you build in your own quilts
the felt mouse
and the ball with pink and yellow stripes.
They disappear:
into the paths of cars
into talons and beaks
into the arms of strangers
and the ravages of private disease.
And from their leavings we learn
of leaving:
how everything that pads into our lives
soft-footed sleek
pads out again into the night
leaving traces.
May our traces be happy ones.
great poem deedee.
The little poem -- so beautiful, so true, so sad. Thanks for sharing that with us.
Marcia
Marcia
I am really sorry to hear about the grief you are going through. Having the ability to choose when to let go of a beloved pet is one of the hardest decisions to make. Sometimes the situation and condition of your pet can make this choice even more difficult.
I had to have my cat Sebastian put to sleep after almost eighteen years of companionship. He was the closest thing I have had to a child. Many of the things you mentioned in your story sounded so familiar. Saby was first diagnosed with a Thyroid problem about four years ago. He had the surgery and wound up on Thyroid medication about a year later. Then the vet warned me that he was showing signs of kidney problems. About eight months ago he started losing weight very rapidly. The vet felt he might have a tumor or irritable bowel disease. We tried several drugs to stabilize his digestive system but he kept losing weight. About three months ago an unltrasound showed that he probably had some kind of cancer affecting his kidneys, Between his last two vet visits he had lost a half a pound, which is a lot for a kitty under six pounds to lose in one month. The doctor wanted to know if I wanted to start giving him fluids at home. She felt he had about a month to live. At first I was just going to take him home, but I asked the doctor if this would be an appropriate time to let him go and she said yes. He died in my arms.
I have questioned that decision ever since. As time goes by, it does get a little easier. I too have been avoiding some of the web sites describing all of the things tha could have been done out of guilt that I didn't do enough.
I am sorry if this post is too long. I just wanted to share my story and let you know that you are not alone.
Josh
In fond memory of Sebastian
I had to have my cat Sebastian put to sleep after almost eighteen years of companionship. He was the closest thing I have had to a child. Many of the things you mentioned in your story sounded so familiar. Saby was first diagnosed with a Thyroid problem about four years ago. He had the surgery and wound up on Thyroid medication about a year later. Then the vet warned me that he was showing signs of kidney problems. About eight months ago he started losing weight very rapidly. The vet felt he might have a tumor or irritable bowel disease. We tried several drugs to stabilize his digestive system but he kept losing weight. About three months ago an unltrasound showed that he probably had some kind of cancer affecting his kidneys, Between his last two vet visits he had lost a half a pound, which is a lot for a kitty under six pounds to lose in one month. The doctor wanted to know if I wanted to start giving him fluids at home. She felt he had about a month to live. At first I was just going to take him home, but I asked the doctor if this would be an appropriate time to let him go and she said yes. He died in my arms.
I have questioned that decision ever since. As time goes by, it does get a little easier. I too have been avoiding some of the web sites describing all of the things tha could have been done out of guilt that I didn't do enough.
I am sorry if this post is too long. I just wanted to share my story and let you know that you are not alone.
Josh
In fond memory of Sebastian
Josh--what a wonderful post and webpage for your saby! He sounds alot like my kitty Ruggles.
I loved the poem on your webpage too. Really lovely!
You did the right thing--of course you did--and you did not shrink from your responsibility!
I read somewhere that when you choose to love a pet you agree to sign up for
what we perceive as the "downside" as much as for the upside. You were signed up
for the whole of it--the good and the bad. You did a wonderful job.
I loved the poem on your webpage too. Really lovely!
You did the right thing--of course you did--and you did not shrink from your responsibility!
I read somewhere that when you choose to love a pet you agree to sign up for
what we perceive as the "downside" as much as for the upside. You were signed up
for the whole of it--the good and the bad. You did a wonderful job.
What a lovely website and poem, Josh. Sebastian was such a handsome fellow, and the two of you had 18 blessed years together!
Thank you for your post, too, and for sharing your story. There is a lot of pain from making the final decision. I am telling myself that perhaps I could have made better decisions about Oswald's care if I could predict the outcome of the disease, but that I could not have loved him more!
Dee Dee
Thank you for your post, too, and for sharing your story. There is a lot of pain from making the final decision. I am telling myself that perhaps I could have made better decisions about Oswald's care if I could predict the outcome of the disease, but that I could not have loved him more!
Dee Dee
Dear Josh:
Thanks for sharing your story about your very special Saby, and also your wonderful website showing us your very
handsome man.
My two furkids Lucy and Mr. Yoster were wondering, "who is that meowing, mom???"
Sebastian's story sounds a bit like my girl, Ernestine's......
Hyperthyroid, then thyroidectomy, then the Tapazole.....
She was about 15 when she had the surgery.
Then when she was 18 & 1/2, she developed kidney problems......
From 12/2003 to 2/7/2004, her weight went from 8.2 pounds to 5.9 pounds.....
I had brought her to the vet's where they did some sub-Q fluid treatments, but
she hated the vet's, and her heart rate (because of her thyroid/kidney disease), was always
just about 300 bpm.
And, our vet said that she was just at the stage where she was starving herself, and
that was a very painful way to die.
And, she was finding it difficult to go to the bathroom, for 24 hours...
She was put to sleep on 2/7/2004 with Ben & myself with our girl.....
She was OUR BABY GIRL!!!
Now, we celebrate her life!!! Our lives are much more full, because she was a part of it -----
She is still a part of our lives.....
For, she lives in our hearts & souls....
She was with me when I was 23......now I'm 43!!
I take comfort knowing that we will all be reunited when the time comes....
And, we believe that she was with us when we went to a shelter on 3/6/2004 to adopt Lucy & Mr. Yoster...
(6 & 7 years old, respectively...)
Lucy is a tortie calico, and so was our Ernie....
Mr. Yoster is part British Blue....
When you have sooooo much love in your heart, it has to be shared....
That's how we felt..
And, we are happy that they are part of our family now!!!
Thank you again Josh, for sharing your story.....
Sebastian, he'll always be with you...
God Bless!
Peace & Love,
Denise
Thanks for sharing your story about your very special Saby, and also your wonderful website showing us your very
handsome man.
My two furkids Lucy and Mr. Yoster were wondering, "who is that meowing, mom???"
Sebastian's story sounds a bit like my girl, Ernestine's......
Hyperthyroid, then thyroidectomy, then the Tapazole.....
She was about 15 when she had the surgery.
Then when she was 18 & 1/2, she developed kidney problems......
From 12/2003 to 2/7/2004, her weight went from 8.2 pounds to 5.9 pounds.....
I had brought her to the vet's where they did some sub-Q fluid treatments, but
she hated the vet's, and her heart rate (because of her thyroid/kidney disease), was always
just about 300 bpm.
And, our vet said that she was just at the stage where she was starving herself, and
that was a very painful way to die.
And, she was finding it difficult to go to the bathroom, for 24 hours...
She was put to sleep on 2/7/2004 with Ben & myself with our girl.....
She was OUR BABY GIRL!!!
Now, we celebrate her life!!! Our lives are much more full, because she was a part of it -----
She is still a part of our lives.....
For, she lives in our hearts & souls....
She was with me when I was 23......now I'm 43!!
I take comfort knowing that we will all be reunited when the time comes....
And, we believe that she was with us when we went to a shelter on 3/6/2004 to adopt Lucy & Mr. Yoster...
(6 & 7 years old, respectively...)
Lucy is a tortie calico, and so was our Ernie....
Mr. Yoster is part British Blue....
When you have sooooo much love in your heart, it has to be shared....
That's how we felt..
And, we are happy that they are part of our family now!!!
Thank you again Josh, for sharing your story.....
Sebastian, he'll always be with you...
God Bless!
Peace & Love,
Denise
Josh,
Saby was a beautiful little furbaby! I wish I had a clip of my Buster so I could hear his little
meow again....I know that that is something you will always treasure. Buster was 15 when
I had to put him to sleep on 6/18/04. He too had been treated for thyroid about a year
ago (radioactive iodine treatment) and then devloped problems with his kidneys. I just couldn't put him through the
agony of vet visits (that he hated) and watching him waste away. I feel your pain and understand
all that you are going through. I wish you beautiful loved-filled memories of your little Saby....
God Bless,
Karen
Saby was a beautiful little furbaby! I wish I had a clip of my Buster so I could hear his little
meow again....I know that that is something you will always treasure. Buster was 15 when
I had to put him to sleep on 6/18/04. He too had been treated for thyroid about a year
ago (radioactive iodine treatment) and then devloped problems with his kidneys. I just couldn't put him through the
agony of vet visits (that he hated) and watching him waste away. I feel your pain and understand
all that you are going through. I wish you beautiful loved-filled memories of your little Saby....
God Bless,
Karen
Hi Everyone:
I wanted to 'bump' up this thread, by DEEDEE, RE: euthanization. I do hope that it is of some help to those that
are suffering.
Love, Denise (one of the moderator's)
I wanted to 'bump' up this thread, by DEEDEE, RE: euthanization. I do hope that it is of some help to those that
are suffering.
Love, Denise (one of the moderator's)
I have to admit, it was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. I was totally alone (as my husband couldn't go with me and it was out of the way for me to go get him and we were short on time). My Frankie was only 3 1/2 and while he'd been having some "issues", death was certainly not something myself or the vet had prepared for.
Even though I know now (because of testing done on him afterwards) that it was the right choice, there is still such a huge part of me that feels so guilty. I even went as far as telling my mother to let someone else be in charge of her medically if and when the time came. Because if it was that hard to let go of my pet, how much more difficult would it be to make the decision to DNR my own mother? This entire ordeal has been a learning experience and it's been a difficult journey. I'm not even 2 weeks post loss and still feeling guilt on some level. I feel guilty for not realizing he was as sick as he was. I feel guilty because one of his last days at home, I snipped at him because he'd tinkled a small puddle on the carpet. I realized later he'd had a seizure and didn't pee in the floor on purpose. Of course, I only scolded him lightly, he was entirely too loveable to spank or rub his nose in it. I don't do that with my animals.
I'd never thought about euthansia until 9/7/05. Well I had but not thinking I'd ever have to seriously make that call. In my mind I've always thought my pets would just "go" as every single pet I had as a child did. They all just "died" of old age. But to have such a young pet get so sick so quickly and not having much time to process my decision made it much more difficult to handle.
It really helped that the vet school people were so kind and were there for me. It was quite amazing to watch them with him in those final hours.
I hope the pain of that day somehow leaves my mind in the years to come but I really think it's just one of those life altering experiences that you never really get over.
Even though I know now (because of testing done on him afterwards) that it was the right choice, there is still such a huge part of me that feels so guilty. I even went as far as telling my mother to let someone else be in charge of her medically if and when the time came. Because if it was that hard to let go of my pet, how much more difficult would it be to make the decision to DNR my own mother? This entire ordeal has been a learning experience and it's been a difficult journey. I'm not even 2 weeks post loss and still feeling guilt on some level. I feel guilty for not realizing he was as sick as he was. I feel guilty because one of his last days at home, I snipped at him because he'd tinkled a small puddle on the carpet. I realized later he'd had a seizure and didn't pee in the floor on purpose. Of course, I only scolded him lightly, he was entirely too loveable to spank or rub his nose in it. I don't do that with my animals.
I'd never thought about euthansia until 9/7/05. Well I had but not thinking I'd ever have to seriously make that call. In my mind I've always thought my pets would just "go" as every single pet I had as a child did. They all just "died" of old age. But to have such a young pet get so sick so quickly and not having much time to process my decision made it much more difficult to handle.
It really helped that the vet school people were so kind and were there for me. It was quite amazing to watch them with him in those final hours.
I hope the pain of that day somehow leaves my mind in the years to come but I really think it's just one of those life altering experiences that you never really get over.
I think that a lot has to do with the cir%%stances behind the euthanasia. I've only had to euthanize one animal so far and that was Daddycat. We literally did everything we could do to help him before making this decision. Even though we did not feel any guilt over it, this was still the toughest thing I've ever had to do. It was our love for him that helped us through that ordeal. I felt it was our obligation to not let him go through more pain. The end was full of love and caring and I think he went to Rainbow Bridge with a complete sense of peace.
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