Max, a beautiful green-eyed tortoise-shell colored, short hair cat, stole my heart 20 yrs ago and has been the love of my life, my little Mackie, my pal, and my sweetest grr-friend for most of my life.
Last Thursday she became ill. We have no vet where I live and I've managed to (successfully) care for and nurse her when required. But by Friday, it became apparent that she was too ill for my skills and too ill to travel. Saturday afternoon she slipped into a semi-comatose state. For almost 36hr, I held her and loved her. And, I told her it was alright to die. She (finally) did... in my arms at 2:54am on Monday.
I want to think that she didn't suffer, but I don't know for sure. By Saturday night Mackie was in a very bad way and I actually WANTED her to die. In my first aid kit I have the drugs I could have used to put her down.... but I couldn't do it. Now, the guilt, the pain I'm feeling is immense. I seem only able to focus on the last 24hr of her life. Did she suffer? Did my inactions cause her unnecessary pain?? Should I have taken heroic measures to save her? I can't get beyond and keep asking myself "What if..." and "Why didn't I...".
Needless to say, I'm an absolute mess. I fear for the life of my computer (!) from all the tears shed even while typing this missive! Your PMs welcome...
Full Version: Max-the-cat
Dear Max's Mom,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. The first days afterwards can be so filled with coulda, woulda, and shoulda's. And then to have been the one not only making treatment decisions but administering the treatments on top of... I applaud your courage!
Mackie had a long life at 20, which is basically me saying a bunch of horse hockey because 50 wouldn't have been long enough, right? That very end part is the worst and I know I get stuck there too. Banging my head against a wall, beating myself up about what I should have done differently, torturing myself with every last detail, I put myself in a living hell. It's almost easier than facing the fact that someone I love so much is just... gone. And it hurts!
It won't be this way forever. Trust me, I've been down this road before. It's part of the process. Personally, I want to be at the part where it's mostly sweet memories and happy thoughts. But I can't seem to find the fast forward button! So grab a box of kleenex, get a plastic cover for your keyboard, and hang on cuz it's going to be a bumpy ride. But we're all here for you!
Peace&Love
V
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. The first days afterwards can be so filled with coulda, woulda, and shoulda's. And then to have been the one not only making treatment decisions but administering the treatments on top of... I applaud your courage!
Mackie had a long life at 20, which is basically me saying a bunch of horse hockey because 50 wouldn't have been long enough, right? That very end part is the worst and I know I get stuck there too. Banging my head against a wall, beating myself up about what I should have done differently, torturing myself with every last detail, I put myself in a living hell. It's almost easier than facing the fact that someone I love so much is just... gone. And it hurts!
It won't be this way forever. Trust me, I've been down this road before. It's part of the process. Personally, I want to be at the part where it's mostly sweet memories and happy thoughts. But I can't seem to find the fast forward button! So grab a box of kleenex, get a plastic cover for your keyboard, and hang on cuz it's going to be a bumpy ride. But we're all here for you!
Peace&Love
V
I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. 20 years is a along time to have such a special friend/child. We lost our beloved Misty 3 weeks before Christmas. We also, especially my husband, beat himself up, like you, should have done this, did we do the right thing, etc. My DH had trouble with the fact we had to put him down. He had terminal cancer, but somehow I think we all beat ourselves up wishing things could have been different.
Look at it this way, we felt guilty Misty spent his last day at the vets office until we came that evening. That is something we both cried about for the first month.
Because of your love and care, Max got to die at home with you. No doctors or scary vets office to have as a last memory, just YOU, the person who cared about him the most. That, my fiend, should give you great comfort.
I know it doesn't help the end result of him not being there, but know that you did the best you could. There is no right or wrong way in pet loss. You obviously cared a lot about Max and I know he knew that. He sure was lucky to have someone as loving as you.
And he probably would not have wanted to be at some vets office being poked and proded, just with his Mommy.
I hope this helps you, again, I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Please keep us posted how you are doing. The first three weeks are still a haze to me....
Hugs, Misty's Mama
Look at it this way, we felt guilty Misty spent his last day at the vets office until we came that evening. That is something we both cried about for the first month.
Because of your love and care, Max got to die at home with you. No doctors or scary vets office to have as a last memory, just YOU, the person who cared about him the most. That, my fiend, should give you great comfort.
I know it doesn't help the end result of him not being there, but know that you did the best you could. There is no right or wrong way in pet loss. You obviously cared a lot about Max and I know he knew that. He sure was lucky to have someone as loving as you.
And he probably would not have wanted to be at some vets office being poked and proded, just with his Mommy.
I hope this helps you, again, I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Please keep us posted how you are doing. The first three weeks are still a haze to me....
Hugs, Misty's Mama
Maxs' mom
I'm so sorry you lost your girl. You were so lucky to have her for 20 years, but I know it doesn't feel like enough time, not when you loved her so much.
I think we always think of the things we COULD have done, but she was right where she wanted to be, in your arms. Not scared in a cold vet clinic. I don't know which one is best, each situation is different. I hate that we took our boy kitty, Moustache to the emergency vet clinic, they couldn't save him, he would have been happier at home with us. We all do our very best in the situation and question ourselves after. Whatever decision you made you would be questioning it now. Try to know she just loved you and felt your love. It was enough.
When you feel like it I would love to see a picture of your girl, maybe hear some stories of her life?
Thinking of you and Max.
I'm so sorry you lost your girl. You were so lucky to have her for 20 years, but I know it doesn't feel like enough time, not when you loved her so much.
I think we always think of the things we COULD have done, but she was right where she wanted to be, in your arms. Not scared in a cold vet clinic. I don't know which one is best, each situation is different. I hate that we took our boy kitty, Moustache to the emergency vet clinic, they couldn't save him, he would have been happier at home with us. We all do our very best in the situation and question ourselves after. Whatever decision you made you would be questioning it now. Try to know she just loved you and felt your love. It was enough.
When you feel like it I would love to see a picture of your girl, maybe hear some stories of her life?
Thinking of you and Max.
Max's mom, your beautiful account of Max's last days tells us that there is never any death of our loved ones that we can accept as having 'gone well', or 'as we would have wanted'. It is a terrible process to go through, no matter what the cir%%stances but to me, this passing of Max in your arms, in peace, aware of your love and devotion, oh, how I wish it could have been that way for me and mine! There is no way to romanticize the parting of a soulmate but you have come very close to it. You were blessed that you had Max for so long, and blessed to have that way of parting, so gentle full of love. But I know that no matter, you suffer like the rest of us, and I sympathize so very much. We are all with you here on LS it's a good place to be when nowhere else feels right. Take care of yourself Max's Mom, like you took such good care of Max.
Hi Max's Mom,
I know what you are going through. My Calico cat Sadie was 15 but she had to be put to sleep Feb 1st because she developed kidney failure from eating the tainted food. I tell you that to say that it does get better despite the cir%%stances. Loss is loss and we all have to endure it in our own ways.
It will be very hard the first few days. Devastation, sorrow, guilt, second guessing and tears and more tears. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on anybody...well hardly anybody
. Just know that what you did for Max you did in love and with the best intentions. You are in my prayers during this dark time.
Peace to you
John
I know what you are going through. My Calico cat Sadie was 15 but she had to be put to sleep Feb 1st because she developed kidney failure from eating the tainted food. I tell you that to say that it does get better despite the cir%%stances. Loss is loss and we all have to endure it in our own ways.
It will be very hard the first few days. Devastation, sorrow, guilt, second guessing and tears and more tears. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on anybody...well hardly anybody
. Just know that what you did for Max you did in love and with the best intentions. You are in my prayers during this dark time.Peace to you
John
Max's Mom,
I am very sorry for your tremendous loss. Nothing I can say will lessen your feelings of "What If?". Those questions are ALWAYS there. No matter what. I do agree with some of the other posters regarding Max's passing away-FAR better that it be at home with you, naturally. When my boy Chaos passed, he was euthanized because there was no recovery for him after his embolism (a blood clot clogging a major artery). As I held him at home, waiting for my sister to go to the vet with me, I kept telling him it was OK to go, that I wouldn't be mad. I was praying that he would in fact, pass away with me holding him, telling him that I loved him. But the only way for me to help him was have the vet end his agony. I wish that I hadn't had to, and certainly wish that he could have died at home, with me and Katie (my green-eyed beautiful Tortoiseshell 13 year old girl that I treasure, now especially).
I believe that we as the animal's companion, can sense the end just as they can. We know when the time has really come to part, temporarily, in the physical realm. You did just as you should have. No more, no less. In time, you'll look back on it as a beautiful transition for your companion. For now, just hold on to the love you shared (and still do share), and wait for the grief to move past this part, as the guilt seems to be almost mandatory for this process (it's the worst part to me). Keep coming back to this site, and read the other stories, keep us updated on how you're doing, and most of all, feel connected to us, know we understand how you're feeling. You're not alone.
Much Love,
Jenn (Chaos' Mom)
I am very sorry for your tremendous loss. Nothing I can say will lessen your feelings of "What If?". Those questions are ALWAYS there. No matter what. I do agree with some of the other posters regarding Max's passing away-FAR better that it be at home with you, naturally. When my boy Chaos passed, he was euthanized because there was no recovery for him after his embolism (a blood clot clogging a major artery). As I held him at home, waiting for my sister to go to the vet with me, I kept telling him it was OK to go, that I wouldn't be mad. I was praying that he would in fact, pass away with me holding him, telling him that I loved him. But the only way for me to help him was have the vet end his agony. I wish that I hadn't had to, and certainly wish that he could have died at home, with me and Katie (my green-eyed beautiful Tortoiseshell 13 year old girl that I treasure, now especially).
I believe that we as the animal's companion, can sense the end just as they can. We know when the time has really come to part, temporarily, in the physical realm. You did just as you should have. No more, no less. In time, you'll look back on it as a beautiful transition for your companion. For now, just hold on to the love you shared (and still do share), and wait for the grief to move past this part, as the guilt seems to be almost mandatory for this process (it's the worst part to me). Keep coming back to this site, and read the other stories, keep us updated on how you're doing, and most of all, feel connected to us, know we understand how you're feeling. You're not alone.
Much Love,
Jenn (Chaos' Mom)
Wise and comforting words from Jenn here above & from another of Jenn's posts : :
AMEN!
QUOTE
Love is why we're all here, period.
AMEN!
Please don't do this to yourself. You are suffering from profuse guilt. You must smash the persistant notion there was more you could have done. I have been dealing with guilt for almost 3 weeks now after my 8 year old ferret Abigail died. It has made me really sick and I am just now heading into the actuall grieving part of the cycle. Don't let it do to you what it did to me. I lost 30 lbs...I abused meds for sleep. I stopped eating..and I began to persecute myself on a daily basis. I am very serious when I refer to guilt as an ALL CONSUMING MONSTER. Your baby wouldn't want you to be that unhappy. Please move on in the cycle & grieve your little one. Feel what you must but pass on the guilt!
Thanks to all of you for your words of support. There is some comfort in the realization that this is an experience we all have shared. It has now been almost a month. I've added an avatar of my Mackie; a picture taken last Christmas. I buried her in the back yard under a very large redbud tree. I have been working, almost daily, on 'Max's Garden' under and surrounding the tree. It will be a beautiful place where I can sit and visit her. Working on the garden has been therapeutic. I still experience the occasional crying jag and continue to question my decision concerning her end of life. But, I also try to focus on the 20 incredible years Mackie & I shared, together, and feel so fortunate to have been a part of her life...
... and with her when she died.
... and with her when she died.
What a wonderful life your Max had, long and filled with love. It is easy to focus on the end, rather than on the entire life. It is natural to feel guilt, even when there is nothing to be guilty about. I think that in a way, it is easier to feel guilty than to feel the terrible pain of losing our dear friends. In a way, the guilt masks the deeper, unbearable loss.
I suppose that we can never know for sure what the right decision is - all we can do is make the best decision, guided by our love. It's easy to second guess any decision, but in your case I don't believe that Max suffered at all. From what you said, she left this earth the best way possible, in your arms, feeling your love.
One last thought that always helps me with my terrible grief at losing my dog, Daisy - if you had not known Max, she, like Daisy, would have still lived and died. The only difference is that you would not be suffering now, and Max almost certainly would not have had such a long and wonderful life. Isn't wonderful that you got to share her time on earth with her, even if the pain is unbearable now?
Daisy's Mommy
I suppose that we can never know for sure what the right decision is - all we can do is make the best decision, guided by our love. It's easy to second guess any decision, but in your case I don't believe that Max suffered at all. From what you said, she left this earth the best way possible, in your arms, feeling your love.
One last thought that always helps me with my terrible grief at losing my dog, Daisy - if you had not known Max, she, like Daisy, would have still lived and died. The only difference is that you would not be suffering now, and Max almost certainly would not have had such a long and wonderful life. Isn't wonderful that you got to share her time on earth with her, even if the pain is unbearable now?
Daisy's Mommy
Maxs' mom
Oh your Max was so beautiful! She looks a lot like my Autumn, except Autumn has gold eyes. It's a real privilege to know a great Tortie. They have great unique personality. Thank you for posting her picture for us.
We too are making a garden for our boy. We have a garden sign for "Moose's Garden".
Love
Oh your Max was so beautiful! She looks a lot like my Autumn, except Autumn has gold eyes. It's a real privilege to know a great Tortie. They have great unique personality. Thank you for posting her picture for us.
We too are making a garden for our boy. We have a garden sign for "Moose's Garden".
Love
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