I can't bear how much I miss her.

How is it that it keeps hurting more and more as time goes on? I can't bear to look at pictures of her, to pass by her little grave every day when I leave the house or come home. At this moment I regret burying her there, I wish I'd had her cremated and scattered her ashes somewhere, I thought having her near would comfort me but I can't stand it. I hope this feeling changes, that I can begin to have some sense of peace around this. But the pain keeps getting worse. Any little reminder hurts...I got my credit card bill today and just seeing the charge from the vet's office felt like a kick in the gut.

I love and trust our vet. But now I'm wishing I had taken her to get a second opinion. What if someone else could have found something our vet didn't and saved her? I feel sick with guilt because I know that, near the end, part of me just wanted it all to end. But what if I was just being a coward? What if I just wanted some sort of closure? What if I was so upset that I wasn't thinking straight? What if she could still be here?

It disturbs me how profoundly her death is affecting me. I've never been so torn apart over the loss of a pet...and I have lost many dearly-loved pets. But I feel like Pearl was my soul mate and maybe I could have saved her. I can't believe I once got to hold her and I never will again. I feel like I haven't even started the grieving process because I can't even think about her.

I could go on and on and on, this is just turning into one long vent. But I know this is the only place where anyone understands me and I need a safe place to express how I'm feeling.

Thank you so much.

[I feel sick with guilt because I know that, near the end, part of me just wanted it all to end. But what if I was just being a coward? What if I just wanted some sort of closure? What if I was so upset that I wasn't thinking straight? What if she could still be here?
QUOTE][/QUOTE]


This is exactly how I was and am still feeling too, after having seen my cat go lame I could just not bear to think that one day, sooner or later, he would again become as sick or sicker than what I had seen and I just could not stand this. Were we cowards? perhaps we were short on courage, then again, how do we know that we weren't being led by some other force to take that decision, because it was for the best possible one. After the fact, we know very well the outcome of our plan A and may wish we had opted for plan B. But what assurances do we have that B would not have turned out to be even more traumatic for our pet and for ourselves than plan A? For all we know, we would again be turning in circles of despair, wishing we had done otherwise. So upset that we weren't thinking straight? Upset is a mild word, traumatized is much closer to it. I remember being in a car accident and having a great big open wound and not even realizing it. Shock does that. How can we not go into shock after we realize that our most precious baby's time is almost over?And it happend so fast for you and me. We will never know what we should have decided. I just want you to know that it may have been the right decision after all. Perhaps like me, if you had that impossible second chance you would now try another way. I know I would, if I could. But what's done is done, all we can do is hope it was for the best after all and learn from the experience. My broken heart has taught me that I have to become more trusting, more gentle , to try and accept that there will be times where you just can't shield the ones you love from the pain and misery that life entails, just as nothing can stop our own pain and misery. This is very hard, and only time will make things better, it takes a lot of time when the loss is so great. Take care my dear bunnicula and may you find peace in knowing that at the time, what you did was done with the best intentions in the world. Try to find peace in remembering the beautiful stuff, know that it gets easier with time.

Pearl's Mommy

You seem to be in the stage of grief where guilt is almost overwhelming you. Try not to think of the 'what if's'. You did what you did and it's over. Try to find a way to forgive yourself. You loved Pearl and I know you did your very best for her. Don't now try to second guess what you decided then, you took on her pain so she didn't have to hurt anymore.

When I start to guilt myself I try to gently think of the good times, the happy times I had with my boy. I do the same when things come up that hurt. Try to think of the love you had together. It's sad that you don't have her little body anymore, but you have her love, forever.

Love

I agree with Moose's Mom, it's easy to fall into the "What If's?". It seems to be the biggest obstacle in getting some closure, some acceptance of what has happened. I also had to euthanize my boy, and I was told that his chances were 5-10%. After he passed, I would "play" with those odds all day in my head, weighing it, wondering- it's a fight sometimes not to do so, believe me. His odds were HORRIBLE. And still I went through the "What If's?". It seems all of us here have, so I hope that that comforts you, knowing that it's common for you to feel this way after the tragedy you've just gone through. As I said in another thread, I do believe we "know" when the final time has come for parting ways, just as our companion will usually know. And as toonie said, I do believe that in times like that, when we go on automatic, we are guided by a force that tells us what is right; "it" tells us what we need to do for our beloveds, to help them transition. In that last moment, I KNEW what had to be done, and so did you sweetie. Your act was one of love, have no doubts.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know your pain, as do most of us here. Know that you're not alone.

Much Love,

Jenn/Chaos' Mom

Hello....I feel your pain. A short month ago I lost my dearest friend. She was a darling little 8 year ferret named Abigail. She got sick suddenly one day and we took her to the vet and came home empty handed. I cried for days. Sometimes I still do. Today I watched two little films of her & I together, the last two before she died. I knew she was in the September of her years but nothing prepared me for her suddenly dying. I sobbed uncontrollably as I watched us interact on the little movie clip and all the while touching the part of the screen were she was, wanting to touch her so much. I miss her dreadfully. I lost my little four year ferret Chase three months prior to this when she mysteriously died in her sleep. Her grave is in the backyard and folks here who know me, know I have a real hard time with it being there. Don't waste time of those "guilt trip what ifs". They will keep you stuck in the past and you won't be able to move forward in the grief cycle. I know that for sure...I already went through it! You can't start grieving for your Baby untill you grip the grim truth. Please I implore you...don't stay in this state of guilt that you are in now. It is a MONSTER that feeds on that "what if" part of your psyche. Please fight it. I have read every post you have written and I believe you are stuck, and this DAM MONSTER GUILT has a hold of you. I went thru this with Abigail. I've only realized in the past couple of days that it had a hold on me. People here who cared about me were direct enough to tell me and now the real tears for my Abigail are starting to come. Let go of the monster and begin to grieve your loved little one. My Abigail was everything to me as yours was to you. I implore you..beat yourself no-more.

Are you still angry...please let that go too. It will only make you sicker & sicker. I know that monster all too well....

I remember your story of your guinea pig Peach back in December...and now Pearl three months later. Your story bears uncanny similarity to mine. You moved me to tears.

Tonite when I lay my head down and cry for my little Abigail I will think of yours too.

Take care my friend.
Come often & write much.
I will be thinking of you Katie. You are in my prayers

Oh Bunnicula,
Just like you & John, I've also been cursed with losing two so close together. We buried Copper & Penny in a corner of our back yard between two trees. Since our yard is so deep, I don't have to go back there. But in the mean time, my husband and sons have started planting flowers and doing other things to make it nice. So when I went back there today, it wasn't just a dead looking area of dirt and rocks. My point is, maybe a little bit of "life" there might help. Not fix you completely, just help a little.

I think I've played the "what-if" game until my ears bled. You know what? It makes me hurt worse. "My first mistake was not feeding Copper a diet higher in anti-oxidants so he wouldn't have gotten cancer in the first place..." Shall I go on? Ever notice how when people have a sore on their tongue they always push it on their teeth to make sure it's still there if it stops hurting? (I know, sounds weird, stay with me.) It's almost like we have an expectation of pain and if that pain lets up, we make sure it's still there. And what better than a jagged tooth to make sure of it. So what I'm trying to say is, it's ok to just accept what happened for what it was. But it's going to be hard with all these "jagged tooth" type memories getting in the way. Maybe I'm too tired for philosophy. I hope that made sense.

Whether that made sense or not, I can tell you this. I think you did a loving thing by trusting your vet rather than running all over town getting second opinions at the expense of extending Pearl's suffering. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I hope you stop beating yourself up about it.

Peace&Love
V