I have been gone a while. I am not well emotionally. Abigails death has hit me really hard and it's taken a long time to write this. I am discouraged somewhat upon return by a thread I have read here in the forum. I will just say that nobody should judge anybody on decisions they have made under emotional stress. The mind doesn't function the same as when rational thought prevails. I have learned this from combat experience. I don't need anyone to tell me what I did wrong. I am the deliverer of my own guilt and the justice I render on my self is far worse than any other human could inflict or administer. Things I did those days in the army will haunt me all the days of my life. I will burn in hell and I know it. I am ready for it....but I will never see my furbabies again....and that is what is bothering me. It seems odd I come to this place of healing and see unrest. I remember vizsla-angel when she came to the forum. Chase had died and I was seeing some recovery when I left the first time. Again, this time when I bowed out for extreme emotional difficulties she was just coming back to the forum once again. It was an odd co-incidence indeed. Please...I implore you all. don't judge people...only God can do that. I will speak no more of this...

Abigails ashes are in the studio....I don't go in there much but when I do I pick up my friend of 8 years in my arms and cradle it like I used to when I would hold her. This is extremely difficult to write...... I am at odds with maintaining my composure. It has been impossible to take myself back to the happy memories of her. I am there now with Chase but seem to be stuck in Abigails intense grief. I have somehow formed a persistent vision when it comes to "association" from which springs the constant image that now the urn & Abigail are inseparable...in order to be with her I must embrace the little urn as well. I have been steadfast in my belief that there is no place in heaven for me....and my mind will not change, but this time Abigails death seem to drive the point in that I will never see my furbaby again....because ALL animals go to heaven....and I so much want to be with them again...her & Chase........

John, I am sorry to read how you are feeling, but I wonder if you are not being too hard on yourself. Somehow I don't think bad people can be so tormented by guilt
as you are:rather, if you ever noticed, most of the time, convicted criminals don't seem all that bothered about what they have done.

You are guilt tripping about things that you may have done in the army. It would help if you tried to get help from the army-surely they must be familiar with what is bothering you . Also, do you think you might find catharsis in going public with your story, and at the same time you would save you army colleges from further mistakes? I think this is how I would try and realign that guilt.

We all make mistakes, we can inflict physical, psychological or verbal dammage to others. When we see the harm that we have caused, it is up to us to find a way to right those wrongs. We start with sincere regrets then go on to correct the harm we have done. We ask for forgiveness for ourselves likewise, we readily forgive others.

Please don't continue feeling as you are feeling right now, it will destroy you before you have a chance to do better. Please go and get outside help. Once you feel a bit better you will be able to start finding creative ways to repair the harm you may have done.

Only you can do this for yourself. Realize that what you have said applies to yourself too:
God was good to you in giving you these furbabies to love: would he not want your furbabies to be reunited with you as well? Be good John, starting with being good to yourself. Take care.

John,

I'm very short on time, but wanted to tell you to please don't be so hard on yourself. Chase and Abigail loved you with every fiber of their being and they wouldn't have done so if you weren't worthy. Neither would you have loved them so much, and be grieving their loss so much now. I won't be around this weekend, am going out of town, but I'll be thinking of you.

Paula

john,
my heart is breaking for you. you are so worthy of heaven!! you are going there i know it. and chase and abigail will be there waiting for you with open paws.

greif is awful, and can come and go like fire. wednesday i had to go back to the vet with my tee bone, as she had been limping.. poor girl..she has lyme disease and this she got while being on frontline 12 months out of the year. nothing is a 100% i've learned. she has artthritis in her knee cap and an ear infection and a uti. along with abnormal lab work on her liver..possibly caused by her uti..all in all when i brought her in to be evaluated(this all happened in a matter of 24 hrs) at the same vet as my girls were put down at... we encounterd the same room that i was in with kitten when she went to sleep.... i fell completely apart. here i was thinking i was getting better and i'm not. grief is evil. it sneaks up on you when you think your doing better. and all i thought of was everyone here and that i knew i wasnt alone in how i felt. this happens to all of us. at sometime or another.

tee is going to be 12 next month and is the bestest doggie in the world(at least i think so) and i dont know if i could survive if i were to lose her too.. i understand how you feel because right now i am in that place and its very dark. i will be thinking of you , and if there is anything i can do please let me know.
take care
luv
michelle

Dear John,
My heart goes out to you, and I can hardly believe your feelings about heaven and being with your two buddies. I know you will, your writing and support are very special, you are kind hearted and so supportive of others, especially to those on this site that you have helped. I know you have done so much good here. Try not to be so hard on yourself...I agree with what was said above by others, and probably more eloquently than I, but my heart just broke when I read your message, I agree that I felt very discouraged also about recent events, and I am glad you shared your feelings. Try to stay strong, you have been through immense trauma in such a short amount of time, you are needed here...Peace and Love, Tory, Hrudey's Momma

Dear John,

I am so sorry for your despair. I too believe that you are judging yourself too harshly. I think that a great part of a person's goodness comes from their ability to feel compassion for others, whether they are people or animals.......I have read many of your posts since I have been a member here. You have given comfort & support to so many of us. Please consider Toonie's suggestion to get counseling. None of us is perfect, we all have our own demons to battle. I truly believe that there is plenty of room in heaven for a man like you, a man who is so generous with his love for his furbabies & so willingly offers support to others who are hurting.

Please think about what we are saying. I care & am wishing you peace.

Dear John,

You were so kind to me after the loss of Gretchen and Bob that I felt compelled to write.

I think when we grieve, we not only grieve our current loss but also things that are unsettled from our past. I cannot imagine the difficulty and pain of being in the armed forces and doing things that you morally do not agree with. But you must forgive yourself. If you can't do that then, as a pp suggested, please seek out counseling to help you forgive yourself. As many others have said you are far too kind-hearted a person to be so hard on yourself. Abigail and Grace knew your heart.

As for the post you referred to, unlike our sweet animal companions, we are all too human. When we are hurt, we lash out. When we are wounded, we judge. When it involves the welfare of an animal, we all want to have the answers. Please try to put that post aside and focus on all the compassionate, loving, supportive posts that are on this site each day....like yours.

Take care of yourself, John. I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I wish peace for you. Don't hesitate to seek outside help if you need to, Abigail and Grace would want you to be happy.

Thinking about you,
Lauren

I think maybe I am being a little to merose in the first post. A lot has happened with Angel too that I haven't got out yet. Thank you all for posting. I am going to start a new thread about Angel.

John

I have been wondering what happened to you. I'm so sorry to hear you aren't doing well. I was afraid it was something like this. I think too many losses too soon are building up. The problem with Angel isn't helping. Anyone would be morose.

I think anyone who loves his kids as much as you do, and has such compassion toward others as I have seen you have, is a GOOD person. I am sure you will see all your babies at the bridge. Just remember that what you believe you create.

I understand about the urn. I hope things work out well with Angel.

Love

Moose Mom you are a very wise mama. Thanks for being there for all of us and may life reward you generously!

P.S. Sending positive waves to John and Angel!

toonie



Well thank you very much, I wish the same for you.

I think it's important that we look at what we are creating in our lives often, and if we don't like it, we have the opportunity to change it. I think sometimes we get so into what we KNOW we never think of another way to think of it, another way to do it.

Love

John,

I too was in the army. I don't have as many regrets as you do, but I do know that I developed PTSD (alot of soldiers do), and there is help out there for you. You are not going to be denied the joy of seeing your babies again because of what you did during your service. I promise you that. Hang in there, you seem like you have a wonderful heart, and there is healing for you if you'll allow yourself to seek it, and take it.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

John,

I am a little late reading this...my apologies. I've read your post as well as your replies to others in pain, and I can tell you that there had better be a place in heaven reserved for you, because such a loving soul belongs with his furkids. You've been so empathic with others, and so compassionate, that I hope you can find some comfort and peace. I know the pain of losing them is nothing less than hideous - and I am sending you warm thoughts, hoping that your pain will subside even a little....I believe that you will be reunited someday...

Jen