I couldn't even write about this yesterday, on Nissa's 7th month anniversary, I was so shaky about it. I ended up having to bring her body out of the freezer, to have a 'visit' with me, I missed the feel and look of her so. My H came home just as I was bringing her upstairs and also got all misty-eyed as he stroked her "still so soft" fur. I just HAD to see my girl, it was killing me so much not to.

Hard as yesterday was, though, it ended up filled with blessings, too. I got a call from a dear, past friend, who helped me immensely as we talked of almost nothing BUT our passed kidlets and all things animal. This call had been strangely delayed until yesterday and it struck me that morning that this was WHY it had been delayed....it was an orchestrated gift from Nissa, so that I wouldn't have to be all alone on her anniversary! That was gift #1.

Gift #2 came from Maggie, the neighbourhood cat who's been visiting me for months now. Normally hissy/spitty out of the blue, she joined me upstairs as I was putting the bed back together and for the first time ever, jumped up on the bed to actually lie down. That was remarkable enough, but she then allowed me to lay down beside her, only about a foot away and when I did, she actually relaxed even more! So we had a 15 minute rest together. It was so unlike her that I now believe Nissa worked with what (little) she could, and 'make' Maggie give me something I really needed.

Gift #3 was what Maggie did after she got up and went outside to our yard. W/i a couple of minutes, she'd suddenly caught a birdie (yes, I know, not a 'pleasant' subject to many, but...), which felt so NORMAL and reminded me so much of my girl, the Mighty Huntress that she was, even if she didn't like birdies but rodents. But rodents aren't really out and about here yet, so again, working with what she had.....

Gift #4 came at the end of the dinner we'd gone out for (no one in the mood to cook today). There were only 2 songs I'd even been able to hear clearly in this restaurant. The first, one called "A New Day" by Colin James....the meaning to me, mainly in the ti*tle (and I love this song), and the second, even more meaningful - "I've Got You Under My Skin"....part of which I used to sing to both Nissa and Sabin on occasion. Since both of them have sent me messages before through song, I just knew that these two were just that....their closeness to me.

I took such great comfort in these 'coincidences' that aren't merely that....too many new and unusual things all in one day, to be nothing but coincidence. Orchestrated timing, hearts opening, working through another feline, personal songs.....no, I'm convinced this was my girl, my darling Nis', taking good care of her Mommy, just as she always did. I lit the usual candles for her in the evening, plus an extra, floating candle in honour of both her anniversary and Moose's (Lori) and told her how grateful I was for her wonderful gifts and for sticking close to me throughout the whole day. I still miss my Nis' like all get-out, but she did her very best to get me through this painful day, and my heart opens in wonder and so much big, pink, fuzzy love for my Gal-Pal, the light of my life, everything she was, still is and ever will be....my Nissakins.

I love you and miss you, Sweetie-Pie, more than ever!! My little Hun-Bun, the most lovingest girl in the whole Universe!!

And one more....

Very cute pictures!! Thanks for sharing, glad you made it through the day yesterday......

FK's mom

I just love the kissy pictures you have of you and Nissa. Alley would have thought I would crazy if I had tried to get kisses from her!

I know how hard yesterday was for you, and for Lori, with these sorrowful anniversaries. I did light a candle last night for you both. I just have to say that I think Nissa truly did do her best to comfort you yesterday. You and I both know how the "caring friends" have been few and far between and for you to get a call from someone yesterday, someone who was caring and let you talk about how you felt, well, I think Nissa definitely had her little grey paw in that.

Same with that rascal Maggie, deciding to do things she doesn't normally do, but things that Nissa DID do, I would bet anything she had some encouragement from your girl to act that way.

I know these things are not the dream visits, or the actual visions or communications that you are wanting, but it does show that your girl is still there, and does worry about you and feel the need to comfort you. I had mentioned in another post that maybe the reason Alley had been keeping herself scarce is because all her time and energy is taken up by planning and arranging for my new kitty in the somewhat near future. Maybe Nissa has been busy with this sort of planning as well, and is sending you the only subtle signs she is able to pass on right now.

She is with you, even if it doesn't always seem to be so.

I am so glad that Nissa arrainged little surprises for you. I know how achingly hard this is, and I am so sorry you are going through it. I wish I could comfort you. I'll be thinking of you.

Nissa's Mommy

I know how hard the day was for you, for us too. I was thinking of you and when we lit Moose's candle we lit one for Nissa too.

I do think she sent you lots of signs yesterday, I think she is worried about her mama too. I'm glad Maggie helped out.

The pictures are just great, she was such a beauty!

Love

She was a beautiful cat, I love the kissy photo too.
Hope today is a better day for you.

Cleo 1

i am so sorry that this time has been so hard for you. i know how it feels to miss your furbaby so much. i miss my girls alot. i have good days and bad days and just blah days in between.
i must compliment you on your photos. they are so beautiful and heart moving. those are pictures to cherish forever..i am so glad you shared them with us. the kissy photo is my favorite..my kitten used to kiss me to.. what i wouldnt do to have that cold wet nose and soft furry face on mine again. i also must say that i always find comfort in your writing. i wish that i could write my feelings out like you do so elegantly..it really is a treasure to read your posts. i find comfort in them.
my thoughts are with you always..
sweet nissa sweet sabin, watch over your mommy and your daddy. they love you with all their hearts.xoxo

take care michelle

Thank you all so much for all the compassionate words. It was a most pleasant change from crying my eyes out all day, as other anniversaries have been....this time, just a few sinking pit in the stomach bouts here and there, along with tears, but NOT all day.

Paula,
If Nissa's busy planning, it must be a really GRAND and complicated plan, as I've asked her many times to hold off until I'm emotionally ready, have an even better local vet AND have finished renovating our house (haven't even started yet)!! Unless she's just not listening to her Mom! You're right, they're not the really tangible visits I've been yearning for, but at least there was more than just one, and they all just struck me as meaningful, right away...and I've learned to take that as a measure of their validity before, so....And thank you for lighting a candle for her. That's very special, to think of her (and I) this way.

Dawn,
Yes, "achingly" hard is a great description of how it feels. You have just comforted me, just by caring.

Lori,
I was thinking of you, too, and said out loud that our floating candle was for both Nissa AND Moose, as I lit it. Thank you so much for including my girl in your own lighting, and for saying what a beauty she was....that never fails to please her Mommy, even if it would fall on deaf ears for her, the least vain gal in the world!

Cleo 1,
Thanks, too, for mentioning Nissa's beauty (see above!). And yes, today was a bit better - we went out and bought new bikes for each of us, so that took my mind off things for awhile.

Michelle,
So you know, obviously, how excruciating it is to go w/o those treasured kisses. I used to tell Nissa how much I adored her fuzzy LIPS! (even tho it's not their lips, exactly, that are fuzzy) She was such a wonder with her talented tongue, most of the time making sure she didn't 'sandpaper' my lips with the back of her tongue, but just using the frontal part where it's so soft and delicate.....mmmmmmm......I've never sighed more deeply in my life, that when my gal would kiss me so tenderly....but then she'd interrupt my SIGH with....EVEN MORE KISSES! It's very gratifying to know that my sharing helps you. Thanks for letting me know! But I think we all help each other, in our own ways, too. I loved your little prayer for us!

And mostly, I'm so gratified that you all loved this particular kissy picture...it's one of my favorites, too, making me sigh AND shed some tears every time I see it, so I'm glad it touched your hearts, too. The kissy pics just encapsulate so well what mine and Nissa's relationship was all about....love, mutual adoration, tenderness, mutual caring and concern, the mother-daughter bond, and our shared sensuous natures. (that's "sensuOUS", not "sensual"!) I always told her she was the BEST daughter a mother could ever hope for, and the only gal for ME.

It's crazy, though. You know, even after 7 long months, I STILL think If I do SOMETHING (??), couldn't I just bring her back?

I do the same thing. Like maybe if I chant and turn around three times, I can enter an alternate universe with a Jake in it.

I wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. We have spoke much & shared a great deal of pain between us. I will be thinking of you. You shall be in my heart & prayers.

In those photos Nissa looks so serene, what a lucky girl to have been surrounded by so much love.

Aaawwwwww.....thanks, you guys. If you want to see a REAL serene look, take a gander at THIS one! Most nights, before &/or after brushing Nissa's teeth, she'd get extra Daddy-scritches for her cooperation. This one usually cracks people up because I tell them it looks JUST like they've both just had some really good se*x!

Looks like they could both use a cigarette ;-)

Thanks for sharing the picture...priceless. I love to see all of the little quirks that come through on our furbabies pictures. Here is Jakey the first time we tried to make him wear a collar

What beautiful photos! I can see how much you love each other. I'm so sorry that you've suffered so for 7 months now...I can only imagine how hard it must be after such a long time without her. What a daughter and what a mom... there is nothing quite like that bond. It's still there, though. I don't believe that anything - not even death - can break a bond that strong.

I'm thinking of you..

Oh my gosh, FK's mom, how on earth could you face that? There is just something about the thought of seeing my lifeless girl that brings me to tears. I actually forgot to ask how you deal with knowing her body is so close...yet she is not there ...heartbreaking. Putting her back must have been so terrible....What a wonderful friend she must be ! I bet she is the most wonderful person in the whole world to understand your pain !This sounds like a romance novel, girl ! HEY! GET A ROOM !!! Those pics of Nissa....just beautiful. She is the most heavenly looking kitty I have ever seen. I can only imagine through your decriptions of how soft her fur really is...it looks almost irradescent in your pics...like she 'glitters'...you can tell she was really something special...Oh how I know how much you miss her. I hope your weekend brought you some smiles, I'm thinking of you always .
Kim

Dawn,

Was Jakey a little drama-queen?!?! Oh, my goodness! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, he looks so totally agonized over this forced fashion-wear stunt! Didn't his mommy and daddy know that to cover up even one little bit of his neck would detract from his natural beauty???? Great pic!! Talk about capturing a priceless moment! Maybe Jake could have used a cigarette after this fiasco, too!

M&M's Mom,

Thanks so much. I DO love sharing Nissa's photos with those who can appreciate them as everyone here does. And to hear her called "daughter" by someone other than myself always warms the coc*kles of my heart. Yes, if anything could break such a bond, then there really wouldn't be any point to life, would there?



Kim,

I somehow got over the 'horror' of seeing Sabin's body non-animated after I'd visited with him many, many times before we buried him. After awhile, although it was still upsetting knowing that he wasn't inhabiting his body anymore, it also became concurrently 'soothing' to be ABLE to still touch him and see him and have more of an 'object' for my love to focus on and talk to, rather than 'thin air'. What was harder for me was finally giving UP his body. I found that worse than having had it, so I could sort of gradually 'wean' myself off of that physicality, rather than suddenly having absolutely NOTHING.

So for Nissa, I was already prepared for and much more familiar with this personal process, and I still find it comforting that even though her spirit doesn't reside there, I still have the option of touching her and seeing her when I need to. No, of course it's not the same as when they're alive here, but it's still her precious body, the one I know and love so well and so it also feels like a very sacred visit. After having done this before, I became more aware of why some people actually have their beloved animals preserved by taxidermy. That much is not for me, but mainly because I wouldn't want anyone else handling their body in such a fashion. Naturally, I cry, too, but in a way it helps me to 'let go' a bit more, because it's similar to seeing them frail and ailing and so there's a deeper connection made as to why you had to allow them to leave. So that's also why putting her back is always harder than visiting with her....if I could survive right in that freezer with her, that's where you'd find me most of the time!

Yes, this friend is pretty darn special!

Yah, I know it sounds almost naughty, but what can I say? Nissa's love could make my toes curl, just like Doris Day's did when Rock Hudson would kiss her in those comical, old movies! I mean, how could you NOT just melt over such displays of tenderness?!? The odd person who was lucky enough to witness these acts of adoration between us would just stop and stare, breathless, as they'd never seen anything LIKE it, then just start giggling and oooing and awwing....just like how special I felt, as the recipient of her sweet kisses! I even used to think, AND tell her, "Ya know, gal.....even human mothers and daughters don't get to share as many kisses as WE do, nor for as many years as we have......you and I, Sweetie, are SOOOO lucky we have each other, cuz we both LOVE our kisses sooo much!" sigh......how I'm to live w/o this, I just don't know.

Some of that iridescence, in some pics anyway, is a result of my photo editing, as I wanted to really capture the mood of how she made me feel inside....though her fur really could look quite 'highlighted' and soft-focus all by itself, too. So I just end up looking less 'harsh', while my gal's natural beauty is simply a bit enhanced! But of course Nissa is heavenly-looking.....that's where she CAME from in the first place! Heavenly bod', and her Heaven-sent, Heaven scent! Missing her here is the hardest thing I've ever had to suffer through. How could anyone else EVER even begin to compare?

Nissa's Mom

Oh too funny, what a great photo. They both look so 'satisfied' and relaxed. LOL Just too cute and sweet.

Jake's Mommy

Oh too funny. How dare you try to put something on me? He was such a funny boy. Great picture.

Love

FK and Moose Mom...thanks for making me laugh...I desperately needed it!

I am in LOVE with this kitty! What a sweet face!

Im sorry if Im being nosy, but did you really keep her in the freezer? Im just curious. Wasnt sure if you meant literally or figureatively. (Gosh im dumb!)

How lovely to get a message from your angel!

Best of luck to you!

-Keely

Keely,

Aawwww....I'm so glad you're "in love" with my little girl! As I used to say to her, "What's NOT to love?!"

No, you're not being nosy. It's a legitimate question. Yes, I'm actually keeping her in our freezer....on a towel, covered, in a heavy box, wrapped in a heavy plastic bag. I learned about this from my ###### animal communicator after our Sabin passed and I couldn't make up my mind in the state I was in, about which method to go for - burial (and if so, where, how, etc.) or cremation. She told me this is what she'd done with her dog, then buried him later on when the ground thawed, I believe. It was a perfect solution, to me. No being rushed into a decision I wasn't capable of making at the time, as I'd thought I'd have many more years before I'd have to even think about those specifics. It's really no different than what's done with any body - just kept cool enough. With this method, if you prefer burial, there's no need to panic if you can't work the ground in the winter. And for me, at least, it allows me these visits.

Here's another one of my Little Nis'. (and btw, everyone, both hers and Sabin's names are pronounced with SHORT vowels, so Nis' rhymes with "kiss", and Sabin is like "grabbin'")

Nissa looks like she had the same silky silver fur as Homer did. She's beautiful.

Glad to see your feeling better.

Yes, there is nothing strange about the freezing method at all! Every Vet, crematory, etc. does the exact same thing until they are ready to follow through with whatever method is prefered by owners. The ones that owners left for the Vet to take care of after euthanasia, were frozen until the weekly pick up (they go to the land -fill ! No furbaby deserves that, yet 90% of vets do this...don't want to pay for mass cremation ). The crematory usually has a 'waiting list' so can't get to peoples babies the same day, so they are also frozen. Everyone is different, but I personally had panic attacks thinking about my baby being frozen in a cold, dark, freezer...and being a vet tech and having 'connections' with the crematory, they were so kind as to take care of Sasha that same day...we had her back home with us at about 10:00 p.m.. Yes, they actually went back up there after the cooling period (which takes hours) so they could prepare her ashes and let us take her home! GOD BLESS them for being so, so kind to me...it really meant alot...I couldn't bare the thought of even one night without her!

Thanks, Leighann. It's nice to know Nissa and Homer had this in common, too, bless their sheeny, little bodies! Yup, feeling a little less shaky for NOW....but we all know how fast that can change, too, so wait 'til tomorrow!

Kim, this is one of the other 'benefits' of this method, especially if one is going the burial route...they never have to leave your sight until then. Since eventually we'll be doing cremations, too, we've asked around at the various crematoriums for animals here, and there were at least two who would not only allow US to place the first one in ourselves (so I know there's no hanky-panky!), but we can get them back the same day, too. I just hope that never changes, as I'd be just like you (or anyone else), terrified of leaving them somewhere where I'm NOT! And at least with our OWN freezer, I know exactly where and how her body is. It's funny...a good thing, though - when I talk to Nissa when I bring her body out, it feels like her spirit is with me, but NOT in her body, so it's as if we're BOTH looking down at her body and knowing how I feel about it, and her, but it's two 'separate' things....more like I'm paying such great tribute to her former vehicle to still love it so, and we both understand the same thing, at the same time. I just know she wouldn't mind at all this need I have, as it's like another rite of honour of her.

I know about the whole landfill thing, and have for many years. It's disgusting. I hope everyone realizes that when this kind of thing was done to humans, it was called the Holocaust. It says life is cheap, especially the lives of animals. If I were a vet, I'd NEVER agree to this, even if it made my practice unprofitable!

Hey F.K,

Just a quickie,

What a cutie, (your husband, that is! ) only kidding

People must be blind if they can't see the beauty of Nissa and, Sabin of course!

Back later

E.M

WOW! You learn something new everyday! Well Im glad that you get to visit your little furbaby Shes precious!
Unfortuately, Im afraid 2 of my precious doggies ended up in a landfil My Dad took them in ( I couldnt go) and he just let "the vet take care of it". I think it was too much for him, both dogs were his favorites. I only hope he never figures out where they ended up. Makes me so sad! The kitties got to come home to the garden at least.

Debbie,

Well, Nissa, Sabin and my H always did know how to pretty-up a room! (not that my H would agree - he thought it was the 3 of us, not him )

Keely,

I'm so sorry you're one of the unfortunate victims of such realities....the ones they never tell you about unless you know to ask. This is unfortunately what happens (to anybody) when we blindly trust those in a position of trust and power to do what's right. All you need tell yourself now is that at least you know different, which you (or your dad) couldn't have before. Knowledge is power. If enough people knew, we could probably effect change with this, but too many people just don't know. And of course, there are also too many who just don't care, so they don't help matters, either!

Yes, I AM glad that your felines are safely ensconced in your garden. But no matter where a body is, it's where their spirits are that REALLY counts, and those are safe and with peace and love.