There is no rush to get anything done now. No rush to get chores done in between getting Nissa her meals, supplements or meds. No rush to even think about spring work, any work, or getting 'her' outdoor furniture cleaned off and out, for her comfort and convenience. No rush to get as much as possible accomplished before she wanted to go out, come in, go out, come in, with me in tow. No rush to get dinner started, or cleaned up, to leave enough time for Reiki treatments, grooming, accupressure, playtime, laptime, refreshing her water, litterbox-scooping and dust-bustering. No rush to whiz carpet pieces outside to protect her tiny paws from getting chilled as the air warmed up some, but not a lot yet, then put them away to keep them dry. No rush to warm up her heated pillows many times in a day before she settles down for a nap on the couch. No rush to join her in getting 'caught' by a soothing sunbeam before I missed out on the chance. No rush to make time for an afternoon snooze under our "Nissa blanket" together.

No need to constantly pick bits and debris out of the carpet so she wouldn't eat goodness-knows-what. No need to clean anything constantly and with the utmost of care, in concern for her and her failing kidney state. No need to clean up vomit from carpets, bare floor, patio or deck. No need to chase birdies out of HER 'watering hole' outside, keep it scrubbed and clean and topped-up. No need for ANY of her countless 'watering holes'. No need to vigilantly chase other cats out of HER yard, or clean up their spray, if unfixed and trying to mark HER territory. No need to make homemade food, herbal concoctions, try new supplements, make constant notes for her vet care, arrange and juggle ongoing monthly appointments, make up new flower essence combos, read up on new treatments and possibles. No need to visit her with kisses and pats while getting these things done. No need to brush her teeth at night, comfort her afterwards, have a late-night play session, try to convince Daddy to 'pester' her before bedtime, as she requested. No need to run like the wind if I heard any commotion inside or out. No need to ask and find out what SHE needed when she would yell at me. No need to raise my arm to make a 'cave' in bed, let her settle in, sniff her skin but not bury my nose too close to her nape, where by TCM theory, 'wind' can enter to cause her any respiratory problems. No need to grasp her bottom foot, 'just so', or not move my chest too far from her hunkered-in back. No need to get up early enough to get enough meals in in a day so she wouldn't lose any weight. No need at all anymore, for any of this. She has no more need of these things.

No need. No rush....except for mine ~ only two. Need, for my girl, for us, as mother and daughter. Rush, to be with her again ASAP, if only the fates will allow. Only that.

I could have written this post myself.....no rush for me to check on him every few hours to make sure froggy was in his bed, no need to pick the exact flavor of cat food he wanted, no need to watch him through the kitchen window in the garage to see if he was waiting for Daddy for his lunch, to need to set up his treat mat for him, vac%% the carpets, carpet steam where he missed the box due to failing kidneys too.......no need to watch him outside at 2am to make sure he didn't get lost.......and yes, chase other cats away......and tummy time, clean blankie as I pulled it from the dryer....


So ditto. And people wonder why there is an emptiness........

I can't say too much other than it's the same for me.......people act like I was insane to do it all, and reading your post makes me realize I'm not. Many of us have done it........all out of love for someone that loved us back..........

Pretty bad when I would give anything to be cleaning up Alley's hairballs again....


Your post said it all FK's mom. Its far to empty and lonely not to be needed like we were by them. And even more than what they needed from us, is what we need from them. To touch that soft fur. To hear that sweet meow and rumbing purr. To feel that little warm body curled trustingly against us.

Its all just.. empty now.

Well, I don't think I could ever say it ALL, as there was ever so much more than this small 'list'. I've even found that going into certain stores leaves me just staring blankly about me, feeling that there MUST be more that I need to shop for....because there used to be, always on the hunt for one supplement/aid or another for my girl. When I realize once again, with a shock, just how much of my time was (well) spent on Nissa's needs, my knees get weak and I can't even think anymore, so I just stand there, frozen in the past and the pain.

But what you said, Paula, , really speaks volumes, over and above all these little details. That, too, used to make my knees go weak, just realizing how very much in awe and how grateful I was that my little girl trusted me THAT MUCH, to want to hunker in to me as close as she could possibly get, especially considering how much it can take to EARN the trust of cats, in particular. It made me question, almost daily, if I truly deserved such huge trust, and how I could do even more for her so that I'd feel as deserving as she thought I was. Now, when I contrast other people's cats (locally), and their relationship to each other, to mine with Nissa, and Sabin, I see even more clearly that I'd already done enough, simply by loving her as much as I did/do. But it breaks my heart to not have her HERE to focus that love on anymore.

I sat today outside for about 5 minutes, watching Maggie the neighbour cat poke around close to where Nissa always did, and watching the birds from where Nissa never did. I was a little bit grateful for her company out there (beats being all alone), but it hurt so much, too and I was almost resentful of her presence where only my girl's was for so many years. She's not my girl and never will be. Yup.....it's going to be one nightmare of a spring and summer....

Reading this has made me cry. It is just how I feel everyday. My heart goes out to all of you.
Ruth xx

I agree too. There is just an empty void that cant be filled.
When I lost both my kitties last year I couldn't post much had no energy for anything, but this site pulled me through I read everything just couldn't respond.
My heart goes out to you all, you are the only ones that truly understand.

Cleo 1

I know how much you love her and how horrific the pain is from her absence. I feel it, too. I am blessed with Maisie & some amazing friends and family, yet how I wish I could be where he is. You'd think I'd be happy that spring is coming, but it depresses me. Just a new season without him. I sleep with the sweater I wore on the day he died every night because it was the last thing I have that he touched. I won't wash it or wear it ever again. I travel for work and I pack it for every trip. I'd give anything to come home to pee on the floor again, or a chewed up shoe, or to be woken up in the middle of the night for a trip outside. I would feel honored to be able to take care of him again for even an hour. I am so sorry that the pain and emptiness are so intense and I am thinking of you...

but you see, that is the beauty of it all...she has no more need for all of those things because she is vibrant and healthy once again ! Yeah, it really stinks that we can't be enjoying their newfound youth with them (yet ), but I would make the sacrifice a hundred times again if it meant that my girl could be in such a wonderous state, Lord knows she deserves it, and I know you would, too.

Hmm....I just wish we had the choice of whether or not we could go with them...that would really be Heaven to me .
Love,
Kim

"I just wish we had the choice of whether or not we could go with them...that would really be Heaven to me"It seems so long, so hard to be without them. This poem comforts me hope it does the same to others too:

Farewell, Master, yet not farewell
Where I go, ye, too, shall dwell..
I am gone, before your face.
A moment in time, a little space.
hen ye come where I have stepped Ye will wonder why ye wept."


After Death by Edwin Arnold

No need to clean up endless vomit. Day after day, and dang it all, sad as it is, I want to do that again. Pretty bad that I MISS vomit... After ten years of it, I guess it was just part of life. Wash the cute little face and clean vomit...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad Nissa's mommy. I wish I could make it better for you. I'm thinking of you.

Love

I want to add a small "slant" to this... It seems as if the rushing has actually 'increased' for myself. Even though the joys of looking after Chase & Abigail will now forever dwell in the house of the past...a new neurosis is beginning to complicate my life. I am always "rushing" to my Angel. I wake up in the middle of the night and will go in and check on her...I will touch the blanket...hold my breath...listen & feel for hers. I am living in fear. If she moans, breathes, or even looks the wrong way, I am right there. The trips into her room in the night to check on her are frequent. Sometime I will pick her up and just cry on her. Poor little tyke just hates it. She just wants to get down and do what little ferrets do best...make a mess...hide all your socks....explore. It's still a sign that grief has a terrible hold in me. Twice now I have visited that room in the past only to find sick & dying ferrets. It's almost as if I expect I will walk in the room and catch that apparition I so often speak of (The Spectre of Doom) in the act trying to take my Angel. If that ever happened he would come to know what unspeakable evil & pain really is if I ever got a hold of him. I guess some don't feel a need to rush...I wish I didn't...I am doing it more...something is wrong with me

John

I know just what you mean. The only reason I am not doing those same things is because I have no furbaby in my life at the moment. I plan to get a cat when I move around July and I am sure I will be rushing him to the vet with every little sneeze. How can you not be paranoid after all you have been through? I hope that in time, your feelings of doom will ease some so that you can enjoy your Angel without always being in fear of losing her.

Thinking of you.

Paula

No, John....nothing wrong with you at all. This is a normal reaction to loss and it happens to most people, no matter the type of loss. I've checked my H's breathing at times as he sleeps, fearing the worst. I did it, too, with my darling Nis', after Sabin passed.....and then even MORE so after we found out only 2 wks. later that Nissa had the beginnings of kidney disease AND little appet*ite from her huge grief over her brother's passing! I went on in this vein for over a year before I dared start breathing normally again, only because Nissa was still alive and fairly well by then. But it never really subsided substantially until we'd passed her 16th birthday (3 yrs. later!) - for some reason, I'd thought that she'd never 'last' longer than that....so each day after that birthday, I just started counting my blessings and began to really LIVE again with her, refusing to dwell on those fears anymore. And of course, I was then blessed with over another 3 years with my sweet girl after that.

Telling you it's normal won't make it magically disappear, but it can help you just to know you're not going crazy or being more 'nuts' than anybody else. Your nerves are stretched to the limit right now, so you're being extra-cautious and vigilant, on behalf of both Angel and your own sanity....but you ARE normal!