We just got home from the vet, it was Pearl's time to go. She just couldn't breathe any longer, and was suffering so very much. In the room, I held her the whole time; she fought the anesthesia for what felt like hours. You could tell the vet was embarrassed that Pearl wouldn't go to sleep easily. But b/c of her severe breathing problems, she wasn't inhaling enough of the gas at a time, so it took...well...forever.

When she was finally sleeping, I held her and told her she didn't have to fight anymore, that she didn't have to struggle anymore. I stroked her head, I told her it was OK to go. I told her I loved her as she took her final breath.

The whole office was in tears; Pearl had that effect on people. All who were touched by her presence fell instantly in love with her.

We buried her with some of the shavings from her favorite straw ball, under a tree in the front yard. We made a little shrine of rocks on top. Afterwards, Jonah (my boyfriend and the one who surprised me with Pearl when she was just a baby) and I walked the dog, and when we got home a ray of light was shining on Pearl's grave. I can just see it out my window, just below her friend Peach, who left us not long ago.

I don't know what to do with Pearl's cage; I don't dare look at it yet because she is not there.

I can't tell if I'm in shock or at peace, utterly in denial or in a place of gentle acceptance. I know that all the emotions will come back to flood me but for now, I will sing my Pearl a lullaby and remind her again and again how she blessed our lives.

Thank you all for your support. I know I'll continue to need it, as Pearl was the light of our lives.

Katie

oh kate i honey i am so sorry that you lost pearl. you said it beautifully how much she was loved. and she loved you. your right the emotions will probably come flooding back, when you least expect it to. but its ok to have that happen its part of the grieving process. heck i still cry . sob actually.

there is no standing rule on how long to keep things of pearls around. i kept my girls litter box up and where it always was for weeks, just couldnt part with it, and when i did, i threw myself on top of it and sobbed, what a release of emotion it was ,all over a litter box.

i still have the cat house up and probably wont take it down ever. my husband hasnt even tried to either. we just leave it. it is my girls and i have to have it there always.

you take as long as you need to before removing anything. i know sometimes it hurts just as much to have it there..but your heart will let you know when its time.
i'll be keeping you and pearl in my prayers tonight.
luv
michelle

Michelle, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I empathize with your loss and appreciate your advice on keeping things of Pearl's around. I knew from past experience that I couldn't leave everything "as is" -- as she left it -- but I couldn't put it all away, either.

I'd bought a locket (the locket itself is pretty big) for my sister, but it didn't seem quite right for her, so I never gave it to her...but today I took it out and filled it with the following:

a tuft of Pearl's fur
a half-eaten corn kernel, nibbled-on piece of parsley, and a cracked sunflower seed shell
some straw from her favorite snuggly ball

I wrapped them in cellophane and stuck them in the locket. Then I put some extra mementos in the bottom of a vase (just in case), and put her food bowl on the shelf. I cleaned out her cage and put it in the garage.

I'm donating her old food and meds to the vet who's been so kind to her and to us. Right now, I think I'm doing the right thing.

Katie

Katie,

I've been following Pearl's story and I am very sorry for your loss. Staying with Pearl was a brave and kind thing to do. I'm sure that Pearl was comforted by your presence. Now it's your turn to treat yourself well and cherish those wonderful memories of Pearl. Time will heal the sorrow. Take care.

Katie

I'm so sorry you lost your Pearl. She sounds like she was a shining, wonderful soul. You were blessed to know her and she was blessed to have you. I'm sure you are in shock. I wish I could help more but just know I'm thinking of you and Pearl.

Sometimes I think that our little ones have such huge souls that their little bodies can't hold them anymore. They have to expand and fill the universe with their love.

Thinking of you and Pearl

Thank you. This is the worst. I had the closest bond with Pearl, and I can't bear this pain. I'd do anything to hold her again. To kiss her sweet head and her white belly, to see her jump up on the side of the cage when I call her name...that would be heaven.

I read your story...I cried alot. Your story moved me completely. My intense pshycological pain comes with the the ability of my minds eye to live others stories here so vividly in my head its as if I was actually there. I feel your pain so much. I too have a cage in which Miss lived and now it is covered up so when I go to the room to see my Angel baby (our newest albino ferret) I don't have to look at it. Funny though....that doesn't help a whole lot...it has a "presence" that seems to transcend just the mere visual aspect of it being there. It's not just a cage anymore....it's an apparition AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!! I have thought about moving it but the empty space generated in the wake of the cage being moved will have the same effect.....I don't know what to do......



I do not trust any peace right now that I feel. I know that any calm I feel is just a lull in the storm...there is something not right about the small bouts of calm that I feel from time to time.....like being lulled into a false sense of security.....



We share a common thought here but we are not the only ones...I have seen this very theme re-occur in different threads throughout the forum. I spoke of this very thing in a post "Video Killed the Ferrets CoStar" The urge we feel to be with that special little pet is a powerful one indeed!

Please take care of yourself
I understand your feelings
You are not alone
I am glad to have shared your story
God Bless You

Yes, I told my Nissa ALL the time when we'd be kissing, cuddling or anything like that, that THAT was a little slice of Heaven On Earth, just for us....that SHE was MY little Slice of Heaven in this painful world. And as soon as I'd said it, I was already dreading the day I'd have no more of that here, without my own little slice. Now that that time's come to pass, I still don't know how to bear it and come out feeling alive, whenever. What could possibly compare? Our furkids ARE our Heaven!

John, I think I know what you mean about That's a good way to put that feeling. I felt the same way, always on edge even while feeling more calm, always holding my breath about it, beyond the relative peace of a moment. Now, at almost 7 months, my dam has burst and those "lulls" are almost non-existent compared to earlier. And yet, we need them, whenever and however they come....to rest, in between the little leaks in the dam, lest we go mad with the tidal wave of grief being let in all at once.

Thank you all so much for your support. It's been 11 days and I can't bear how much I miss her. The first couple days I held the locket with her fur etc. all the time, and now I can't stand to see or touch it. I can't stand to see her grave, I glance at it and look away and feel angry and alone.

Yesterday I was in a terrible mood and storming around the house; I tried to be productive and so I dumped out my purse to organize it and out came Pearl's last vet bill (well, second-to-last, really; the one I paid when I thought she was still going to live a long life--3 days before she died) and I crumpled to a ball on the floor and wept. Absolutely broke down.

I miss her constantly. I feel like I'm going deeper into grief and that the calm I felt when we buried her was, in fact, false and fleeting.

On the 11th, when I was taking her home from the vet, I was full of hope despite Pearl's grave diagnosis. The vet said Pearl could possibly live "another 6 months to 3 years" depending on her response to the treatment...imagine. 6 months was the low end of her life expectancy. It didn't seem long enough then. But what I would give for 6 more months.

As I left the vet, there were a group of girl scouts selling cookies, and they saw Pearl and all got excited. I let them hold her; I always felt her love should be shared with everyone, that everyone should know her. And now I see all these girl scouts at their cookie stands and I can't even bear it and it's all so stupid and I feel so mad.

I miss her, I want her back, I just want to hold my Pearl, my sweetest, sweetest girl.