The last couple of days have really been awful. I've been crying constantly and feeling that horrible, empty pit of grief that makes you physically sick. The pet memorial park nearby called me on Friday to let me know (very nicely, thank God) that my credit card wasn't working. (The bank had since sent a new one due to a security issue & in the midst of everything, I didn't think to call them). It takes almost 8 weeks to receive their ashes around here. I had to call them back today with the new card number, and although they were extremely compassionate, I could barely hold it together on the phone. I heard her say "Mo" and I just couldn't believe that she was talking about my boy, my best friend and baby for all these years, who was so full of life and light, who kept me sane through some awful experiences, and now he's just ashes? I have never felt pain like this..I can't believe he's gone. I think it's just really hitting me that this is it, and I can't stop weeping. I miss every little thing...I miss him more and more as the days pass..I don't know if I did the right thing anymore..how am I going to get through this?

Gosh, I really feel for you. So sad you had to wait this whole time for the ashes, it's now stiring things up more for you. We felt the same way about Misty's ashes, they actually left a message on the machine that they had dropped Misty off at the vets office.......I just started bawling, thinking I wish it was really Misty. At least we got ours the first week.....what a delay in grief for you.

We felt the same way about opening the ashes too. You may want to wait on that till you are ready. Feel free to write when you get the box, I know how hard that will be for you.

Maisie sure has a great parent in you.....sending hugs your way....Amy

Thank you so much, Amy..you described my feelings exactly: I've been waiting all this time for him to come back to me, but it's not the him I knew. I'm having trouble imagining or accepting him as anything but the character who lit up my whole life for so long. lately I'm just so much more aware of how empty I feel without him here... I really appreciate your support while you're going through your own grieving...

I am so sorry! Waiting that long must have been terrible and now its a new transition all over again. When I close my eyes at night I get the same picture of Rajah in my head just running like the wind. Maybe you could try to picture a happier time with Mo. Sometimes it helps me, sometimes not!

Mo & Maisie's Mom

Oh honey don't question yourself. You did the best you could and no one, not even you can ask more of you than that. Just let the grief come, it is overwelming at times. Take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have too. When you feel sick just let it happen. Don't try to eat but do keep drinking. Making yourself really sick will not help anything. Remember we cannot be sad enough or make ourself's sick enough to bring them back. I know I tried.

For me, getting the ashes back was a good thing. My baby was home, safe with me. My hubby and I went together to get them and I held the box close to my heart all the way home. It was also a time to rage, how could my Moose, so full of life, so bigger than life, who shone all day long, who was so full of love, be in a damn box?

Grief is a roller coaster, a couple of good days and you think you are 'getting over it' but it's not true, you don't 'get over it". You do learn to live in your new reality, learn to live with the pain. I think the 'getting the ashes back thing' focuses you on the fact of your loss. Time to accept what you DO NOT EVER want to accept. Rage if you need to, that helped me some. It's not fair that Mo is gone, it's not. It just sucks and it has to suck till it doesn't.

Love

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Try to breathe through the pain and picture Mo running and tumbling in the wind. I wish I could do something to take your pain away. Just know that Mo isn't hurting, he is having a blast, just like my Jakey is.

It is not fair that our hearts are ripped apart. I am holding onto the hope that the pain will eae someday.

I'll be thinking of you.

M&M's Mom, I'm so sorry you had such a sad day.I can't know the pain of getting a phone call saying your babies ashes are ready for pick up because we chose to bury our baby in our backyard garden.But I understand how one day you feel like things are getting better and then out of nowhere bamm! It hits you like a ton of bricks.We lost our boy Sox back in Oct. and I still visit his grave almost every day.I feel a peace from going to visit his final resting place even tho I know in my heart that he isn't there at all.He's safe and happy waiting at the rainbow bridge for when it is our time to pass on.Your beautiful Mo will be waiting for you as well so try to remember the good times you had with him when your sad.Like Lori said,don't be so hard on yourself.You did the best that you knew how to do and your baby knew that and he loved you for it.He is home now.......so try to take comfort in knowing that.I know it is of little consolation because the bottom line you still miss him.It does suck that he's not here,it sucks that all of our babies aren't here but we must go on without them because we have no other choice.My hear goes out to you tonight and I hope you'll soon find some peace.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Thank you all so much for your support..I guess it just comes in waves..I know it will never completely go away but some days are brutal.

YEah, we did the same with certain events meaning they are coming back. We kept thinking after Christmas, he'd be back or after our New Year's trip to Nashville he'd be back. It's rough to go through these dissappointments.

We were happy to have the ashes, but it took us a week to open it and then a friend had to go buy a box for us. We couldn't do it......

I would suggest waiting to open it until you are ready.....