Hello all. I do not know any of you, but I am praying that just writing down in words what is on my mind will eventually let my heart heal.

A few years ago, I took in a foster poodle who was only a few hours old. To make a long story short, she had many genetic problems.

I fed her every 1 1/2 for the first two weeks of her life, wiped her to make her "go" and kept her warm with water bottles and rice in baggies warmed in the microwave. She did not take her first steps until she was 6 weeks old, so you can imagine the genetic abnormalities she had. (She was VERY developementally supressed) I had to tube feed her because she couldn't eat.

I didn't know it at the time, but I fell so in love with this dog words cannot explain, but I'm guessing others on this board can imagine.

She grew, and she blossomed. She learned to walk and eat, and she learned that life was great. She was a very happy dog. She had many surgeries because of her genetic problems, but she came through all of them fine. Her life had a bumpy road because of all of her problems, but she never faltered.

She was neurotic, but we grew to love her neurotic quirks. It was what made her, well, her. Once, while my husband was away, she had a very bad day. Lots of circling, crying, but she had had episodes like this before. I asked the vet to give me something to calm her, so I could travel to take her to my husband. I thought she was pining for him. I gave her the drugs, and hit the road. It was four hours to our destination, but weather turned it into 6 ot 8 hours. By the time I handed her to my husband, she and I were exhausted. But, instead of her normal greeting of my husband, she just cried.
Now, we were hours from home, and hours from our regular vet, and the weather was so bad (and traffic) it would take another 8 hours to reach our vet. We called around for an hour to find an emergency vet. We found one, they did tons of diagnostics, but nothing stood out. The vet prescribed pain meds, which really seemed to help. I had planned on a few hours sleep, then a trip back home to the vet and probably the neurologist.
But it wasn't to be, in just a few hours we were back at the emergency. They determined she had a neurological "event" and the only chance she had at life was to induce a coma to get her out of pain and to give her brain a chance to heal.
I took it all in stride, she had had problems before, and always came out fine. I agreed for them to put her in intensive care. When the vet gave her a sedative she fought it.
And I think that is what haunts me to this day, that she didn't want to go to sleep. BUT I knew it was the only chance we had to save her, and I did want to do it. I just couldn't stand to see her in so much pain. It wasn't humane. I held her, and kissed her, but I didn't say goodbye. That haunts me too. I kind of knew she might die, but I didn't know at that point I would not see her alive again.

About 24 hours later the vet called me (They were a GREAT hospital, I couldn't have stumbled upon a better place!!! I work for a vet, and I was very impressed)
The vet called me and said whatever was affecting her brain was now affecting her brain stem, and her blood gasses were going bad. She had respiratory arrest and they had revived her, but he wanted to know if he should continue to revive her. I was in shock. I asked him to PLEASE just see how she does the next hour (the hospital was an hour away from me) but he said he doubted she could make it another hour. I was CRUSHED. If she had to die I wanted to be with her! Then, he said the technicians were signalling she was arresting again, and I can't believe what I said. I told him to let her go. I can't believe my own words. I just wanted her pain to be over, but I didn't know then that her sudden tragic death would leave me in so much anguish. She was only three years old. This was just supposed to be another bump in the road. This wasn't supposed to be the end.

Why didn't I notice she was getting sick? Why did I think it was just another one of her "episodes." Why didn't I tell her goodbye when the vet took her to put her in intensive care?

I didn't hold her when she died. I didn't go see her dead body or tell her goodbye.

I have no closure, and have nightmares where I'm trying to tell her I'm sorry, or I'm her and I'm telling people not to put me to sleep.
I only have her ashes, which someday will be buried with me.

I feel I have let her down. I feel that if I could do it all over, well, I can't even play what if. I didn't have TIME to think!
I work for a vet, I see death all the time. I am the one who helps others cope, yet I can't get over this.

I'm an animal lover, and have had many deaths before, but I can't seem to come to grips with this one. Possibly because my other pets have been old, their deaths were expected, and I held them or were with them and their passings (even those at home) were peaceful.
Her sickness was painful, and her death was far from peaceful. It was AWFUL. She was screaming in pain until the vet put her in an induced coma.
I can't cry in front of my own husband, I think he will think I'm crazy.
I'm crying now, and I think that is good. I think I just need to vent and someday get some kind of closure. She took ill the day before thanksgiving, and died the day after thanksgiving. That was three months ago, and it seems like I'm just starting to grieve, I can't get beyond this point. I've "plateaued" in my grieving.

Thanks all. Sorry so long of a post, but I HAD to get it out.

Hello, I am really glad you found this forum and decided to tell us your story. Although most of us do not know each other we are all here to help each other like we've know each other and been friends for years.

I think it is amazing that you spent the time with your baby and gave her the love and care she needed to have a chance at a good life. Even if it was cut short she at least had a better life than what she would have had if it wasn't for you. Plus you had the strength to make sure she didn't suffer in the end. Letting her go was very hard but it was one of the most loving things you could do. That "final act of love" is always the hardest.

Remember that you did the best that you could for her and she loves you for the life you provided here and love you gave her.

Sorry for your loss.

You never truly "get over" losing a beloved member of your family. You just get used to your life without them, but the sorrow will always be there, just as your little guy will always be in your heart.

Like you, many of us don't have anyone else to turn to, our spouses, family, or friends just don't understand. That's the one thing I can tell you with surety, is that the people on here do understand, and we do care. We are all grieving the same loss.

Like you, I wasn't able to be with my Alley at the end. I was 1100 miles away at the time, and she was too sick for me to ask her to wait until I could get there. She would have suffered. Not being there for her is something I will never get over, but I don't regret my decision to have her put to sleep when I did. I could never ask my girl to suffer and hurt, even for an extra day, so that I could be there.

You did the right thing with your girl. She was hurting and that is the last thing you wanted. Letting her go is the last loving decision you could make for her, and you did. Even though you couldn't be there when she passed, you were with her in your heart, and she does know that. Guilt and second guessing your decisions is a natural part of grief. I still question what happened nearly every day. YOu did the right thing.

Beaglegirl

We do understand how you feel. I'm so sorry you lost your little one. No you should not 'be over' this. You will in fact never 'be over' this. It will become less painful, but that can be very slow. I think the ones who need us most, who are sick, somehow get in our hearts in a way that is indescribable. We grow to need to care for them as much as they need us.

When we lose someone close to us, our reality changes, things never 'go back to normal' we just learn to live in the new reality, without them. It seems so unreal, like maybe we never really had them. Like it was a beautiful dream, or that this is a nightmare we can't wake up from.

We lost our Moustache kitty four months ago, and our lives are still upset. He was our son, she was your baby. If it was a human baby would you be "over it' in three months? I don't know that three years would be enough. Forget what the world seems to think you should be doing and feel what you feel.

I would love to see her picture and know her name. Again I'm so sorry you lost her. You gave her a great life and lots of love, I hope that can comfort you some.

Thinking of you and your little one.

Beaglegirl,

My husband could not bear to go with my daughters and I when we had to make the decision to put down our Leo, the thought haunts him too.. but what stays with the animals spirit is the memories of the love and care you gave them. It has been exactly one month to the day since we had to do this and I still tear up thinking about him. Dont be afraid to cry in front of your husband, it is not crazy to mourn the loss of your pet. My husband is a auto body, mechanic, muscle car & racing fan guy but even he cried. You have a good heart, that is nothing to be ashamed about.

You have come to the right place, the people here understand and are going through some of the same things we went through. It feels good to get it out and it also is good to post good memories and pictures as well. The pain is still there, but it is less acute. I hope this will also help you to heal as well.

Thank you all so much... It is weird, I CAN cry now.. And when it all happened it felt like I held in all in. It was so shocking losing her, I don't think I got the chance to let it all out.
Here are some pictures of Boo.

She is not snarling, she was born with a cleft palate and SEVERE hare lip.
She also had to have a surgery to remove one of her eyes, so she only had one eye. But she was the most beautiful to me. I hope everyone can look beyond her defects and see how special she was.

It isn't that I miss her more everyday, but I'm certainly not missing her less.
You can't tell from the picture, but she was a whopping 5 pounds LOL


She needed TONS of attention, but what I gave to her seems small at this point compared to what she gave to me. She certainly brought more joy to our lives than burden.

I am reading other posts, and yes, even though you NEVER EVER want anyone to ever suffer pain, I'm quick to realize I'm not alone.

Boo, you were beautiful, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Anyone wastching UGLY BETTY, what a message she gives. To me Betty is the most beautiful one on the show and so were you Boo.
Joanne (raggs MOM)

I am so touched by your devotion.. thanks for sharing her photo. I don't think any of us will see defects, just Boo. You DID NOT let her down. You gave her a chance at life! And you gave her the best 3 years she could have ever had. You are part of such a tiny percentage of our population who would actually devote so much time and energy to helping her survive. Please don't hurt yourself even more by thinking that you failed her - you tried everything to keep her with you, and then when you knew she was suffering, you ended her pain. That is the opposite of failing her. She lived because of you, and I think that is truly amazing.

My thoughts are with you..

You can be proud of the efforts you put into giving Boo a better quality of life than 99% of the people out there would have given her. Because of you Boo had three years of love that she would have never experienced otherwise. Let your thoughts be a celebration of that love.

Boo's Mommy

Oh your Boo was such a little beauty! Thank you for sharing her picture with us, I loved seeing her sweet little face. All of 5 pounds, wow. It would be hard not to love her. Just look at the tiny girl. I think Boo was a great name for her too. You must miss her so much, again I'm just so sorry you lost her.

Love

What a dog! And what a woman you are, for giving her 3 happy doggie years and being unselfish enough to let go when it was time. What Boo knows now, what she takes with her, is the love you shared with her and the good life you gave her.

Welcome to this place...I will be thinking of you and your girl.

Boo is so lovely! Thanks for sharing her photo with us. You did us an honor. Boo and you were both lucky to have loved and cared for eachother. The picture of her is amazing. I felt as if I could reach out and touch the soft fur on her head and cuddle her. Thank you so much for sharing her with us, both her story and her photo. She was truely a remarkable lady.

boo is beautiful!! simply beautiful!! i am so sorry you lost her. she looks so soft and cuddly. she was so lucky to have you in her life and i am sure she loved you and was very happy with you for those three years. your a remarkable loving person who loves her boo. and i am sure she is watching over you and smiling puppy smiles
take care
michelle

Thanks all for the replies. My head is slowly clearing. It is cleansing to finally let the tears flow. I think I was just numb and in shock the past few months since I lost her. I wonder if there is such a thing as "delayed grieving."

I'm sure her afterlife is amazing, I forgot to mention she was blind. She went blind when she was two, another one of her genetic defects. She could never see very well to begin with, so her adjustment period to being totally blind was relatively short.

When we had company over, they were amazed at how well she got around for a blind dog. But, the opthamologist said her retina was totally detached, and laying like a carpet in her globe. Totally not painful, but with her genetic defects the opthamologist suggested no surgery to correct it, and I'm glad I went with his suggestion. She really adjusted to being blind. She played with her toys, found her wee wee pads perfectly, and her food and water bowls with ease.

We never felt sorry for her, we were always just proud of her accomplishments. She was the boss, and our other four dogs always let her be the alpha.

This healing business is SLOW, but today is the first day I feel some progress was made.

I feel your pain and as so many here have told me the pain of losing someone you have loved and cared for never goes away but with time you start to cope a little better each day, for me those days didn't really start until I did what you did. Write about how much you hurt, how much you loved and how much they will be missed. It is healing to be able to express your pain openly as you can here. It is wonderful to have the support of people who have, and are experiencing, the pain of losing a pet who meant the world to us. Know that we care. Martha

Boo's mommy

I'm so happy to hear you are feeling a bit better. There is such a thing as "delayed grieving". Part of it comes from thinking we should't be grieving at all, because others think we shouldn't or whatever. Healing is slow, and you may backslide a bit, but it sounds like you have a bit of hope now.

Oh Boo was a wonder wasn't she? Blind and with all her other problems she did just fine. What a good girl.

Love

I did some writing, on another post, about what I'm feeling. I had a good cry that day! I think I just needed to get out what I was feeling. My other post may seem to ramble, it was just random stuff I wanted to get out.

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=3784

I think it helped the healing begin. It is still REALLY hard, but I feel some change happening. Thank you all, this is helping!