Good evening. My wife was given this website for me to go to, by my precious bunny's vet. I am here because last Sunday night I lost him to cancer, a cancer called, Hemangiosarcoma. It is a horrible cancer and it proved it to me last Sunday night.

My little bunny, Benjamin, was adopted by me from the animal shelter when he was only 7 weeks old. For the next 6+years, he was by my side practically every day. He went on camping trips, concert trips, store strips, everywhere. He had run of most of the house, loved to be in the bed with my wife and me. His favorite place was sitting on my chest, his face pressed against mine, where he would give me bunny kisses for what seemed a half an hour at a time. My precious bunny was extremely closely bonded with me. He was not my pet, he was truly, in every sense of the word, a family member. He never felt what it was like being shut outside in a cage, lonely, or ever felt any pain or torture in his home. He knew only love and kindness, and returned it in abundance. He had the best of food, the best of comfort and the best of treatment and he responded to it.

I have lived in NY for 8 years, been with my wife for 8 years and Bun had been with me for over 6. We were a family. I could go on and on about what an amazing companion, this precious family member meant to me, but over the last 6 days I am literally typed out, cried out and worn out. The pain and the grief has been unbearable. I have been inconsolable. After the tragedy of last Sunday night, the next morning I wrote what had happened and posted it on another site. My Bun had been diagnosed with cancer in December and in the coming weeks, I had put his little body through 3 operations trying to save his life. My Bun's amazing and extremely caring vet tried everything she could, even gently nudging me to not do the final operation, after which Bun died only 2 weeks later.

This is what happened last Sunday night, and you will see why I am struggling so much....

February 26, 2007

It is now Monday morning. My wife took Benjamin to the vet for cremation. I simply could not make it. I am devastated. I am fortunate that she is doing this for me.

I knew things were changing after Bun’s last surgery two weeks ago. He was a little more tired, he stopped eating his pellets, though he still ate his fresh greens, hay and treats. But on Saturday he would not play. Cindy said he tried to play a little when she got on the floor with him, but he simply didn’t have the energy. After a while she brought him back to his house.

The last 2 weeks Bun would mostly be content to lie in the bed with us, covered in blankets and sleep. But mostly he wanted to lie on my chest, his favorite place, and give me bunny kisses. Now, though, his little kisses only lasted a couple of minutes. I could tell my bunny was growing tired. Saturday night Bun ate his greens slowly. He would not eat his nighttime treats. Well, his crunchy treat he wouldn’t eat. I brought him back to bed and stayed up with him until 4 in the morning, I was tired and I felt Bun had to get some sleep so I put him home and I went to bed.

Yesterday morning, Sunday morning, we woke up to see that Bun had made it through the night. But it looked like he had not eaten his hay. We wanted to go to breakfast. I needed a stress release from this so at 10:00 we got ready to go. At noontime I give Bun some healthy treats that he loves. But yesterday I gave him some just before we left. I usually wait until we get home but something in me told me to give them to him now. I also gave him some fresh hay. He ate his treats and tried to nibble on some hay. We left to go to breakfast. I felt that Bun would be ok until I got home. I wish I would have stayed home. I am beating myself up over this.

After breakfast we ran a few errands which took us about 60 miles from home. One of the errands was that we bought a little bed for bunny to lay on while he was in bed with us. He really didn’t need it, he just loved being in our bed but I just wanted to buy him something. We got back into town about 4:30pm and stopped for a quick cup of coffee. We got home about 4:50 and this is when all hell broke loose.

For the last couple of weeks, when we would come home, Cindy would usually go upstairs first. She did not know this, but I would wait until I heard her say something to Bun and our guinea pig. I waited until I heard her say, “Hello Babies!” and I knew everything was fine. As long as I didn’t hear her yell for me and say that Bun was gone, everything was ok.

So I heard her say hello to the boys, I sighed a sigh of relief and went upstairs. This was probably 4:55, just 5 minutes, if that after coming into the house. Bun was looking up at me with his sweet little face and for a moment I thought everything was fine. I picked him up for a usual big hug and kiss before I would feed him his greens dinner with banana treat. But when I picked him up, I heard gurgling in his breathing and I knew there was trouble. The gurgling sound was getting louder, fast. Cindy heard it, too. She went downstairs and I put Bun back to his house and I grabbed the phonebook to find somewhere to take him before this got worse. As it was going to turn out, I had no time.

Behind me I could hear thrashing in Bun’s house and I ran and picked him up, laid him in my arms and his head rolled back and he was gasping for air. I went to put him on the bed, on his stomach to try to help his breathing and this is where things went nuts. All chaos broke loose. He was flopping and rolling on the bed because he could not breath. My bunny was dying. I grabbed him and running down the stairs I YELLED for Cindy to come help me. I was hysterical, yelling to her that MY LITTLE BABY IS DYING! I was falling to pieces so fast that everything seemed to go blank.

Blood was pouring from his mouth all over my arm and clothes and urine was all over me as I ran downstairs with Bun in my arms. I laid him on the couch and he tried to get up but kept rolling and falling. My precious little baby was dying so fast that I had no time to think or react. I grabbed the phonebook but could not see or comprehend the names and numbers. I knew I had no time left. Cindy said that there was still blood spilling from my baby’s mouth as he was gasping for air. I managed to dial a vet’s answering service and she said the vet would call me right back.

I was completely falling to pieces. I picked up my baby and came in here with him as the phone rang. The vet called back in seconds. I had lost control and was crying like I have never in my life. The vet asked Cindy to ask me if Bun was gone. I said that he was dead and my heart broke to pieces. I could not breath. I held my baby and cried. All I could do was cry to Cindy that my sweet little baby is gone!

After a few minutes I carried my baby upstairs and laid him on his new little bed, on the floor and I layed there with him, telling him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I was, and am, totally heartbroken. I covered him to keep him warm and I kissed him goodbye. Cindy finally got our vet on the phone and thanked her for all she did for us and for Bunbun. She said everyone hoped against hope that a miracle would happen. She said to keep his body cool until he could be brought in for cremation. So all this time, me being like a doting father, always keeping my bunny warm and comfy, I felt reduced to putting him out on our enclosed porch, where it was below freezing, so his body would stay cold. That killed me inside. I placed him in a roomy box, on his new little bed, covered him with a warm towel and wrapped him in a blanket. It was the best I could do.

All of this, from the moment I went upstairs and Cindy had said hi to our boys, to the time that my precious baby died, was LESS than FIVE minutes. That is how fast all of this transpired. Everything was total chaos. It’s like I had no time to hold him, be with him or anything. But he did die in my arms. Just not as peaceful as it should have been. I was simply crying too much. Did my little boy wait all day long for me to come home so he could finally pass away? Did he look up at me with his precious face for help, help that I could not give him? It kills me inside that I did not stay home.

Today everything that I felt selfish about is gone. I can’t feed him, give him his treats, play with him, lay in bed with him, get bunny kisses and give him hugs and kisses back. Everything that was required of me to care for him is gone. I am broken beyond words. My heart feels dead.


A beautiful cherry wooden urn is being shipped to me today. Benjamin’s ashes will be ready for us to pick up this Wednesday. I am getting a little brass plate engraved and a small picture framed. I took a lot of pictures of Bun the last few weeks and there are some really sweet and cute ones of him from a few days ago. He wanted to live so much, I could see it in his sweet face. But his little body couldn’t take everything that he was put through any longer. But it hurts so much. I hurt so much today. He is gone. He was my beautiful, sweet little boy. He was not my pet, he was my family.

I will miss him more than words can say.

I love you, Benjamin, with everything in me, I love you.


In Loving Memory
Benjamin Bunny
2000-2007


And that is it. What is left of my beautiful friend is now with me at home, in a beautiful urn, graced by a sweet picture of him taken not long before his death.

The hardest part for me to deal with is the constant visuals of what I saw last Sunday. His suffering those last few minutes haunt me. I felt powerless to save my baby. I am suffering through this today. I miss him incredibly. My heart feels numb from the painful beating it has taken.

It it truly amazing how these beautiful living beings can attach themselves to our hearts and make it so unbearable when we have to let them go.

Tomorrow at 5:00pm will be one week. The thought of this makes me so sad. I wish he was alive. It feels like he didn't get to live half his life. Cancer robs us of loved ones. It is garbage. It serves no good. It took from me my sweet, precious little boy, Benjamin.

My name is Ray, my handle here speaks for itself. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

Ray,

I am so sorry for your loss of Benjamin. We have a house bunny and recently lost our bunny Sir Francis who was with us for 9 years so I know how special bunny furkids can be to us. Having just lost a special cat to cancer I can also agree that cancer is a cruel demon.

You've made the hardest first step to healing in telling Benjamin's tragic story. Your vet sounds very compassionate. I think that they are probably as distraught as we are when they have reached their medical limit in helping one of our furkids. Knowing that there was nothing that could be done that would help Benjamin had to have been both terrifying and heartbreaking. You did all you could. As much as we would love to we can't protect our little furkids from the ravages of time and illness forever. Their lives are so much shorter than ours that it is certain we will experience sorrow. With time, may only the happy memories remain for you.

Ray,

I am in tears after reading your post. I don't even know what to say. You witnessed such a horrible thing and I can only imagine what you must feel. I am so sorry about your Benjamin. We never want to see our babies suffer, and I'm so upset that you did. We are all here for you as you deal with this gut wrenching pain. I am so, so sorry that you, your wife and Benjamin experienced such a nightmare. You are in my thoughts...

My heart goes out to you and your wife. What a lucky rabbit to have known your love, please know that he has taken that love with him where he waits for you. He doesn't hurt anymore. I know that your pain is unbearable, but Benjamin feels nothing but endless love now. Here is something I wrote when I lost a fur friend:

My Friend
I've known you forever
Now and again cloaking yourself in fur and feather

You have held the heart of me deep in your eyes
The heart of secret places
The place where comfort unfolds
The place where joy tumbles down to hold the broken pieces of me

Oh, how I do not want to let you go
My soul screams in the harsh places that you are so eager to soothe
Even through your pain, you hold me in our private dance
Lifting me on your bright, strong spirit
I can't dance without you
I also can't hold you to your pain

In the moment that you go
I see an exquisite glimpse, in your eyes that I know so well
The endless sunlit dance of the Summerland
Running and flying and tumbling
Herding the wind
Stalking the moonlight
Catching the scent of rain and fresh grass and sun warmed stone
The place where comfort unfolds

Run, my friend
And hold me in your spirit
So that I can come to you
In the places my dreams go, and when I am done with this dance
And herd the wind
And stalk the moonlight
And be with you, now and again
In the exquisite dance of the Summerland

Dawn Lawson

Benjamin's Daddy

Benjamin sounds like such a great kid, I can tell how much you loved him. I'm so sorry you lost him, so sorry it was so horrible for you. We love them so much, it's so hard to lose them, they leave such a huge whole in our lives and hearts.

We understand that Benjamin Bunny was your family, your bunny son, and it just hurts so much. When we lose someone close to us, our reality changes, things never 'go back to normal' we just learn to live in the new reality, without them. It seems so unreal, like maybe we never really had them. Like it was a beautiful dream, or that this is a nightmare we can't wake up from.

Four months ago we lost our kitty son, Moustache. He was fine that day, then just started to scream. We grabbed him and rushed to an emergency vet clinic close to us but he died, still screaming, in my arms in the car. The helpless feeling when you know your baby is dying and you can do NOTHING I know too well. It just sucks.

Thinking of you, your family and Benjamin

Ray,
It is with deep sadness and thru the tears after reading you post that I say I'm so sorry about your Beloved Benjamin. They become a part of our families, part of the very fabric of our lives. When they go it feels that a piece of our hearts has been torn away. Keep coming to this forum, it helps. It has been invaluable to me. You, your family, and especially Benjamin are in my thoughts and prayers this evening.
Steve

Ray,

I read your post earlier today but couldn't respond at that time, because it brought such tears to my eyes that I just couldn't continue.

I know how much it hurts to lose your best friend. Benjamin was your child, your soulmate and there is just no way to ever completely heal from a loss like that. Things will never be the same, but eventually they will get to the point that you can think back and look at his pictures with a smile for the joyous times shared. I lost my babygirl Alley almost three months ago, and I'm still trying to reach that place of peace.

I'm so sorry you had to witness your boy's discomfort like that, but I truly believe that Benjamin chose his time to go. He did wait for you to come home because he wanted nothing more than to spend his last moments on earth, in his daddy's arms, surrounded by your love. He is at peace now, no pain or sickness. Just endless days of joy and happiness. The only thing missing in his life now, is you, his daddy. Someday you will be together again, and although it seems like forever in your eyes, it will be but moments for him.

We would love to see a picture of him, when you feel up to posting one.

Thank all of you for such beautiful words. You moved me and Cindy with your kindness. I cannot tell you how much it means.

Today is Sunday, 7 days after probably the most terrible day in my life. Today has not been easy. We both have cried today. I put a red rose and a candle beside Bun's remains and waited until 5:00 passed before putting the candle out. Don't know why I did this, but I wanted to.

I was going to post 7 recent pictures here, but I guess you can only post one? I'll probably add some to photobucket later.

In the meantime, I went to the section,
"Please Post Your Furbaby's Name Here Post #3" and posted a cute picture of Bun just a few days before he died.

Take a peek at my sweet baby that I so dearly miss today.

And again, thank all of you for such beautiful words.

Ray,

I saw your Benjamin's picture in the other thread and just wanted to tell you how beautiful he is. He looks so soft and cozy, I can just imagine curling up next to him in bed.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It will soon be three months since Alley passed, and each of the previous two months on the "anniversary" I light a candle for her and keep it burning all evening. I think your rose and candle for Benjamin were a lovely sentiment.

I know that there are no words to take away your pain. Just know that we are here for you, and we truly do understand.

It's been 9 days now and the pain is still very much at the surface. I miss my little guy.

My wife told me the other day, after reading the my story and your posts here, that she hadn't had any time to grieve. I was reeling so much from the blow and Cindy couldn't let her emotions out at work. She's had it as hard as me, but in a different way.

This past Sunday, 7 days since Bun's death, we went to an early morning breakfast and we both cried while talking about our baby. At the restaurant table. A little embarrassing.

I don't have it in me to change anything in the house. Bun's rooms that are "bunny proofed" and still that way. His litter boxes are still where they have always been. His play boxes around the house, his own little house, everything is still where they belong. I just can't bear to take anything down or put anything away. Heck, even his litter box in his house has been cleaned and readied. There's still fresh hay in Bun's rack and treats in his dish. His remains are warm in his house.

Why am I doing this? Perhaps only time will let me know when I can start letting all of this go. I don't want to ramble too much but I thought I'd share this today.

Here's links to a few pictures of my little boy days before he left me if anyone is interested. In a couple of them you can see hair missing from his left side where he underwent so many operations. He was such a fighter with such a strong will to live.


My little guy catching some sleep:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b399/rjj...jj/02030007.jpg

My sick baby looks like he is praying to live:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b399/rjj...jj/02030005.jpg

Bunbun wasn't feeling very good these days:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b399/rjj...jj/02070006.jpg

Benjamin resting on the bed, just a few days before I lost him:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b399/rjj...jj/02180003.jpg

My beautiful baby, hours before he died. He was so sick:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b399/rjj...jj/02240001.jpg

Rest In Peace, Benjamin. I love you:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b399/rjj...jj/03040011.jpg



Have a pleasant day, everyone
Ray

Ray,

Benjamin was (is) such a sweetheart, who'd gone through so much but was (and is) loved every second of the way by you and your wife. You are honouring his life here, by sharing his story and your pics of him as well as your feelings about his loss. Wonderful pics, of a wonderful guy.

Crying in public may feel a little "embarrassing", but it's honest, and real. I did much the same after most of my own losses, and if I now saw anyone else doing the same, I know I'd be feeling compassion for them and suspecting that they had good REASON for their tears. So if anything, I'd say you're helping to create a world where grief can be accepted for what it is and what it does to us. You could feel rather proud, instead of embarrassed. Hold your head up high, for in being real, you're doing further honour to the life of your fur-boy and your relationship with him. And hey, let's face it.....most of us women LOVE to see men who are more in touch with their softer side!

It's 6 months for me since Nissa left, and though I've moved a few items around a bit, I've only put away one major thing of hers that was always out. I've also still got her litter in her box (washed the box, and put the litter back in) and have allowed our neighbour's cat to use it when she visits here. I suspect that, for me, it will be over a year before I'll be able to even start putting things away more permanently. It's bad enough trying to live w/o my girl here, never mind w/o any of her (and her brother's) personal things around. This house wouldn't even look or feel like OUR house w/o them....and everything feels alien enough as it is! Were they not still where they'd always been, I'd feel like a 'guest' in my own house. So they're staying put....until if and when I'm really ready to move them. I WANT the memories of Nissa's daily life around me, to help me feel as close to her as I can and because I don't even feel like myself now, w/o actively being Nissa's Mommy. To put everything away would also bring home the fact that my life with both of my kids really was over and done with on this plane, and frankly, I'm STILL not ready to think about that head-on, because it just hurts too deeply for me to handle all at once yet.

You may have thought you were "rambling", but your sharing has helped me today to share some of my own pain.....so thank you. You and your wife are in my thoughts and Benjamin has made his mark now here, too, as well as in his parents' hearts.

Ray,

I lost my beautiful Mack to hemangiosarcoma, Sept 2, exactly one week after we got a confirmed diagnosis. I'm always so sorry to hear that this terrible cancer has taken someone elses' beautiful baby from them. You have my most profound sympathy!

Macks Mom,
Dayna

Thanks, furkidlets mom for understanding where I'm coming from, as far as not being able to put away Benjamin's things. I guess I 'need' his things around me. I'd much rather have him in the flesh though.

Dayna, my heart goes out to you as I know full well what this trash disease is capable of now.

This filthy disease, hemangiosarcoma is nicknamed, "the silent killer" mainly because your loved companion can be with you one second, and literally gone the next. It loves going after the heart. It is a vascular disease that attacks any organ pumping blood. From there it haphazardly builds sloppy blood vessels into the attacked organ then the vessels burst, filling with blood the organ that it attached itself to.

Unfortunately for my precious Bun, it attacked his lungs. Who knows where else it was attacking, also. After my Bun's second operation, his vet told me that it appeared that the cancer is building vessels throughout his chest cavity. It had his lungs, no doubt had his heart, too. We knew we were doomed.

Anyway, it attacked Bun's lungs and that horrible day last week when he died what had happened when I heard the gurgling noise in his breathing is that the cancer's blood vessels had burst and filled his little lungs up with so much blood that the blood poured out of his mouth all over me as he died. He literally drowned in blood. To witness this is beyond words. I had PROMISED that I would never allow my baby to suffer and yet, he did, for the last 5 minutes of his life. This is truly haunting me.

One other thing, this particular cancer is generally associated with dogs. I asked Bun's vet why then, did my baby get so stinking unlucky to get that cancer? All she could really tell me is that unfortunately it was genetic. I hate this garbage disease.

I am sorry for your loss, Dayna. I wish both of our babies were still alive. I am selfish, I don't want this pain and I want to take care of my bunny.

You're not selfish by any stretch. Just an amazing Dad who loved his boy up until the last minute he possibly could.

Benjamin's Daddy


I think we all feel like this, maybe it's selfish, but part of it's love. Sometimes it's okay to BE selfish.

I've looked at Benjamin's pictures, he was so handsome! What a beautiful boy. You must miss him so much, again I'm so sorry you lost him.

Love

Your pictures of Benjamin are just beautiful. You will always miss him and always feel the pain of his loss, but someday you will be able to look at them and remember the happy times, instead of his last moments.

You have every right to feel selfish, and angry. It is SO damn unfair that the ones we love are taken from us. When things settle down enough so that you are more calm, keep your mind and your heart open. Alley came to me in a dream and it was really here, in my dream, not just a dream about her. Others on here have had wonderful experiences as well and I hope you can have the same with your Benjamin.

Don't get in any hurry to put his things away. Keep them where they are as long as they are a comfort to you. What helped me is having as many of Alley's pictures framed that I could and put them all over the apartment, so that wherever I go, she is there.

Benjamin will always be with you.

Benjamin's Daddy ~~

I read though your post with tears. The love you felt for your dear Benjamin comes though and touches all of us who read it. Thank you so much for sharing Benjamin with us, his adorable photos. What a sweetheart! I can understand your loss only too well. Sometimes, the pain is so overwhelming, I just hold out my arms like I'm holding my Caesar, trying to imagine him being there and holding him, and only too quickly, I realize I'm holding empty air. Our hearts are capable of so much love, and when they break, this pain can be nearly unbearable. Take each day at a time. I wish I knew the right words to help you and all the others, who are feeling as I am. Take care. Benjamin will always be with you.

Ray
I'm trying to write this through tears, please forgive the spelling.....
I am so sorry about your baby, I know what it is like to have the thoughts of those final moments. My Gizzy went so suddenly, his brain tumor was giving him the most awfull seizures, his poor body was finding it hard to cope, and I was totaly helpless for him. Its 16 days since he passed away, and its not getting any easier
My heart goes out to you.
Ruth xx