Recently, images of the cir%%stances surrounding MoMo's death keep coming into my head like flashbacks. It starts my brain down the horrible road of second guessing - what if I had done X...what if I hadn't done Y. I feel an immense amount of guilt for putting him down within hours of the last fainting episode, after only 3 that I witnessed, and I feel like I reacted out of weakness. I get angry at myself for it. Forgive me for the long post but you are all so helpful and wise and I need to get this out because I am alone here.

Mid morning on the day he died I was right inside the doorway of my bedroom which has a direct view to the living room couch where MoMo was napping. I heard the most awful, longest gasp like nothing I had ever heard, and when I ran to the couch and saw his face it was like his eyes didn't see me. I remember shaking him gently and saying "are you dying on me? is it time, buddy?" My heart was just pounding. He didn't look like he was in his body, but his eyes were open. He didn't look like Mo.

He came to, and I sat with him and watched him and I somehow thought I had overreacted, or maybe he was in the middle of a bad dream or something - maybe it was denial, I don't know now. I waited for a little while and gave them their breakfast, which had cooked broccoli and cauliflower in it. I heard the same awful gasp a few minutes later and went running into the kitchen, where he was laying on his side, with his eyes and mouth open, not breathing, the floor covered with urine. So I reached in, pulled the food from his mouth (I thought he was choking and still don't know...he always inhaled his food and I keep beating myself up for not cutting up the veggies into smaller pieces - what if it that caused the second one? But Maisie ate the same food just fine..and then his, too). Anyway, I pulled the food out, tried to do the heimlich, and then just lifted him into my lap and rocked him, just covered with urine and slime. It was really, truly awful, and I remember thinking at the time that he had given me too much to suffer like this - that he deserved so much more dignity. He eventually came to in my arms - I didn't think he would - it was the second time that morning that I thought he was dying in my arms. I realized then that a month before, the same thing happened in the yard and he collapsed..but he was vomiting and it appeared at the time to have been a fainting spell caused by trying to throw up one of the many shoes/belts/washcolths he ingested during his life. The one in December was the first one I had seen and at the time, the same thing happened - holding him in my arms, terrified, then bringing him to the vet, where she detected an irregular heartbeat for the first time, but it was intermittent, so we didn't put him on any heart medication. So at that point, not quite a month later I decided that it was time. I interpreted what was happening at the time as clear signs that it was time to let him go.

I had been telling him since the diagnosis of the adrenal tumor in September that he didn't need to stay for me and he could go when he was ready. And I would tell him that it would be great if he could go in his sleep peacefully next to me, but that if he couldn't, I just needed him to give me a sign so that I knew it was time. That's what made me decide that day. I saw these episodes as a sign. I called my vet, who is a good friend - he was her favorite, and he loved her dearly. He got so excited to go to the vet, which we did pretty frequently. Anyway, her mother had just died and she was literally talking me through a decision from the cemetery 6 hours away. She then talked to the vet at the emergency clinic and again with me while I was there. I asked her what she would do if he were hers, because I know she knew how deep my love was and is for him, so I trusted her. She told me that if he came home, he would never get healthier. That there were so many things wrong and we didn't really even know the extent of it, and she knew I didn't want to put him thru more. He had been so patient and such a good boy through every Xray and ultrasound and ekg and needle aspiration and surgery. So intellectually, while I know that there was a lot of thought and compassion put into this decision, emotionally it feels too fast. I hate that I had to do that. It was only a total of maybe 2 or 3 hours at the most from the time I found him and the time he died. I had time to lay with him here, I had more time to lay with him at the clinic, and I told him I loved him over and over again, and the story of his life, and I held him the whole time. But I have awful anxiety and guilt about how it fast it happened and I don't know how to deal with this....

I know exactly how you feel, I beat myself up everyday with the same feelings. My Gizzy's illness seemed so sudden. One day he was running around playing and healthy ( apart from a dialated pupil) the next the seizures started. Mild at first, and I guess I just thought they would stop... within a few hours, they got worse, he collapsed on the floor and wet himself, while crying out in what seemed to me to be in pain. The last few days with him, he was heavily sedated with phenobarbitone, no more seizures, but a rapid decline, and the day he died I held him all the time, wishing if it was the last day that he would go peacefully in his sleep in my arms. That wasnt the case, instead the vet put him to sleep. He put up a fight in the vets office when they were trying to put the needle in, was he saying "NO, NOT YET"? Did I not give him the chance to recover? Did I make the right decision? I really dont know, but what I do know is I couldnt stand to see his body twisting and contorting with those wicked seizures, it has to be the hardest thing I have EVER had to watch.
Mo&Maisie'sMom please try to reasure yourself, what you did you did out of pure love, the purest there is. Thats how I get through these early days, its almost a week for me, I will be a total mess in a couple of days time, I know that.
I did something constructive today, the first daffodill had fully opened in the garden, so I picked it and pressed it, ready to be added to Gizzys memory box in a couple of weeks time. It seems cruel to me that my Gizzys life has ended, while spring is coming here in the UK and all the new is blooming, but also to me its a little sign that says all is ok. Look for the signs, they are there, in so many different forms. When the tears come, try to smile through them, our babies would hate to see us so sad. Above all try hard not to feel guilty, loving so strongly cannot be tarnished with guilt.
Thinking of you
Ruth xx

Thank you so much, Ruth....especially for reaching out to help me when you are suffering through your own pain. Gizzy has a wonderful mom...

Mo & Maisie's Mom

Honey I think trauma is the name of the game here. Traumatized just isn't a big enough word for it, but I don't think there is one what would work.

You did what you had to do, you did your best. No one, not even you can ask for more. I know how easy it is to get caught up in all of this. When you start to 'relive' the day, and I know you do it over and over, just let it start and then gently try to get yourself to say, I did the right thing, the best thing for Mo. Then try to think of better things, better days with your boy. I know MoMo wouldn't want you to do this to yourself, he loved you.

I have a truly horrible memory of my boys last hour. He died screaming in my arms on the way to the vet. One day we had him and the next day he was gone, one hour and my life changed forever. Like you I kept thinking of it, but time has given me space from it, it will happen for you too.

Ruth

I just want to say again how sorry I am about your Gizzy. It's so hard and such a shock. It takes more than a week to just get out of the shock. My heart bleeds for you.

Love

I know exactly how you feel. My decision was also made very quickly and it left me with some very anxious feelings afterwards about whether it was really time...but I now know that it was....and neither of us would have have ever let our babies go if our heart didn't know that to be fact! I always knew that I couldn't ever be one of those people who could make 'the appoiontment'....I would never keep it. I always told myself that I would have to trust myself. I would have to trust the moment that my mind told my heart that enough was enough and act on it right then....that is the only way I knew I would be able to follow through with it. The moment I knew it was my girls time, it was like my body went into auto-pilot. I just went through the motions, and after it was all over, I was left to deal with the aftermath of such a devestating decision. It has been over 2 1/2 years now and I still find myself reliving her last moments. I always have the same 'panic-attack' feeling when I think about the very moment of the injection and her life slipping away.....at my 'request'....it is very hard to live with even now, but I know I did what was best for her. After all this time, my guilt is finally starting to subside. My days have now become more bearable without her here. I never thought I could ever live without her. I actually contemplated suicide when she first left me. I survived though, and the memories I have of her can now be cherished with a smile and happy tears....happy tears that I was so blessed to have known her love. Sure, I have moments that I will still cry tears of sadness and desperation that I won't see her again for a very long time...that is still very hard to come to terms with, but my point is that the guilt will become more bearable as the fresh pain of the grief begins to dull and your more rational side begins to take over and lets you see that you did what you had to do. Hang in there. Trust 'the moment' and the decision that you made....it was the right one...

Mo and Maisie's Mom,

Don't try and second guess yourself, you have enough pain to deal with. These thoughts will come but try to put them out of your head for a while because in time you will indeed see that what you did you did out of compassion and love.

Life is so bloody cruel, no one should have to bear witness to the horrific attacks of seizures, convulsions or loss of conciousness.

Your grief is still raw, you will question yourself with the 'what ifs' and you will come out the otherside knowing you did all that was humanly possible for your precious MoMo. There are some diseases that you just can't fight. We all have to let them go, let them suffer no more. It's the hardest thing we will ever have to do because we love them so, but we do it because we love them.

Be kind to yourself and only let yourself think of the good memories, of the love and life you shared, MoMo would not want you to suffer too.

My thoughts are with you.

E.M

oh i sympathize with you i truly do. i feel like you, traumatized by it all. one minute my girls were here with me happy and the next they were gone. i too had to make that choice with both.. and i always second guess myself who was i to play god?.
with poohbear it was so fast and so sudden due to a what they think was a tumor that ruptured, that i was hysterical and felt hast that i had to make a choice so quick. funny though she is the one that vists most often.(i always felt she would be mad at me for making that choice).
and yet there was kitten, who's health went out of control and no matter how hard i tried ,how hard the vets tried we couldnt help her..i felt it was time and i felt i was making the right choice to end her horrible suffering. kitten had been with me for 18 years she was my first dtr. my first baby . she had been me with me thru all my firsts... and i had no regret or even trauma about the choice i made for her.
but poohbear..i relive that choice day in and day out. somedays are better than others. some not.
but you are not alone, i think we all have some kind of trauma in our lives with our animals and i think thats what brings us close here on the board. we have a special closeness that if even for a minute we feel despair someone is here to comfort us becasue they have been thru it and always have kind words and a shoulder to lean on. for you my sweet friend you will make it thru this. your babies loved you and i know they are with you even if you cant see them. they are curled up in your heart and safe and close to you..as mine are with me. i am thinking of you.
take care and allow yourself time...

michelle

These posts made me think back of the night we had to put Jemima down. There was a moment when I was the only one in the room with her at the vet's with her. I wanted to take her in my arms and jump out the window and run away with her so I could make her better. I didn't want to have to face the reality that she wasn't going to get better. After she was pts, I was numb to all feeling. She fell ill two days beforehand (collapsed lung, fluid around the heart).

I think we are traumatized by the loss of our pets so much as we have lost a very valuable family member. What they give to us - the unconditional love - you don't find it too many places.

Sorry to ramble on.

You cherished your boy and did what was best for him...he didn't deserve to hurt anyomore.

When your mind takes you there gently lead yourself away, as he would want you to. You don't deserve to put yourself through that. You did what you did out of love, he knows that and is waiting for you...

I have been traumatized by the whole "putting to sleep" thing. I can't stand it. It feels like murder to me--the whole driving your pet to its death in the car and carrying it from the car into the vet office and putting it on the table....I know I had to do it, but everything inside me was screaming out "NOOOOOO." All my beloved dog's life I had protected him from accidents and mean dogs and all that. Carrying him into the vets office was against all that normal protection and it really traumatized me forever. I will never go through that again.

As always, thank you all so much for responding. I don't feel so crazy anymore. I think in the early morning hours that I used to spend with him my mind races & is cruel to me and I had to get it out. I will follow your advice and try to give myself a break. You each touched on different feelings of mine in your posts... when I read them I recognize my own thoughts and feelings...it's amazing to me how much support I have received here. I don't feel so alone anymore and reading your replies calms me down...thank you so much. We wouldn't be here if we all hadn't experienced trauma.

M&M's Mom, I,too,have thought so much about my boy Sox's last moments here on earth.When he first passed away I thought about it all the time and it consumed my dreams and I couldn't sleep because of it.My husband and I both felt guilty that we hadn't given him enough of a chance to recover but after it's all over and you've had some time to think about it you realize that you did the best you knew how with the information you had.Our vet told us he would have done the exact same thing if it had been his cat so we trusted him.We also felt in our hearts that we were doing the right thing.I couldn't stand seeing him in pain any longer.He had kidney failure and the last few hours of his life he did not act like himself,he was a total stranger to me.It scared me and I knew on the way to the vets office that it was going to be bad and that he wasn't going to be coming home.For weeks after he passed away I felt guilty but now that it's been 4 months I've had time to reflect on all that happened and I know without a doubt that we did the right thing for our boy.Sometimes when you love an animal you have to endure pain so that they don't have to,it's part of the agreement we make with them when we take them into our hearts.So,please M&M's Mom,never feel gulity about the decision you made because it was made with unconditional love and you did what was best for him inspite of the pain you knew it would cause yourself.Take care and you are in my thoughts tonight.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

i just finished reading your post and my heart breaks for you. I keep second quessing my self. The what ifs, should haves, could haves, you name it I cannot turn off the guilt. You know in your heart that you did the right thing, your poor little furbaby was not in good shape. But no matter what the cir%%stances it still hurts no matter what. I miss Nikki everyday and hope I did right by her. i know she loved me as your baby knew you loved him. I tried to post a picture of Nikki. i hope it worked. God Bless you and thank you for all your kind words!

Mo and Maisie's Mom,

I think anyone who has ever had to make the decision has felt like you do ... I know that after I let my Snoops go it was a long time before I could "forgive" myself and realize that I did what was best for him.

Letting your furry guys go is really at its core the last true act of love we can give our little guys. You did not make the decision to let your guy go ... that decision was made long before you called vet ... the only decision you made was how peaceful the going was to be. By letting him go when you did you spared him from the trauma that was to come and you made sure his going was calm and peaceful and he was with the one who loved him the most in this world. You also made sure he wouldn't be alone. These are really the only decisions for which you are responsible ... his leaving was already going to happen. You did everything you could for him and when there was nothing else you could do you did the only thing you could ... you let him go without pain.

I wish I had words to take the second guessing away and to remove the guilt and regrets but I think they are just part of the process of letting go. Know that you are among friends here.

Sending you cyber hugs,
Beth

Thanks again for your kind words...they mean so much coming from such loving people. I think I've come to accept it, but the pain is still horrible. Sometimes I feel like I should have brought him home, but I know that I would have just waited until the next time he lost consciousness. It took an awful event for me to let him go. No good time for it, is there? I still talk to him every day. Thanks again..my thoughts are with all of you who have supported me through your own losses..

We know exactly how you feel.IT sounds like you had an awesome vet who obviously really cared about her patients. And it also sounds to me that you provided the BEST care for him that you possibly ever could have. Your decision was the right decision for him.

We too beat ourselves up for weeks about ending Misty's life. Like you thinking maybe he was dreaming, I did a few things to deny that it was the end. I actually went and ran some errands that morning before our vet opened at 8:30. I bawled for a week over that. But it was my way of escaping the situation, it was too painful to admit that that was going to be his last day. I think everyone here knows what i am talking about.

It sounds like you are going through the same thing, beating yourself up over the last day. If you would have done this or that, etc. Believe me, he KNOWS how much you loved him, it is so apparrent in the care and love you provided him.

You did the best you could and Mo knew it. I am so sorry you have had to go through this, and please keep us posted about Maisie.....I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

Hugs, Misty's Mama

I know how you are feeling. I think the biggest part of my problem is me second guessing what I did.

I have to believe I acted out of love.....just like you did. You did it for his best interest and because you didn't want him to suffer. Don't kick yourself for it.
Easier said than done I know. But that is why we are here

Best Wishes
Mac

You gave your furbaby the greatest gift possible, and one of the hardest gifts to give, you let him leave this earth without pain or fear. Sometimes a person or animal's life is simply over and there is nothing we can do about it, other than to say good-bye with love and compassion.


I think that one of the things that makes it so hard is that our furbabies believe that we can always take care of them and help them, but at the end we are as helpless as they are. All we can do is let them go or prolong their suffering.

You chose to help your furbaby when he needed it most - you were a true friend!

To me, this is completely different than people who euthanize their pets because of behavioral problemS, such as an elderly dog who is incontinent or snippy, or a younger, healthy dog who is becoming aggressive and really needs professional training. I don't understand how someone can kill a beloved friend because their behavior has become difficult, particularly so when they don't try alternatives such as training or placing the pet in a home without other dogs or children.

Helping a dear friend, who is terminally ill and in pain, is one thing. I believe in using the same standards that we would use for ourselves. When a human would say "it is time to die," the same probably holds true for our pets.

Best wishes,

Daisy's Mommy

Thank you so much for your help. Today is very hard. My grandfather died this afternoon at the age of 95, and I think saying goodbye to him brought me back to the day MoMo died. How is it that even when we've known it was coming for months and "preparing" ourselves for the loss of our babies it is still such a shock? I went through so much with my boy, and he with me, that I feel like a part of myself died with him. I miss the silly talk - I talked to him all day, every day when I was here, because we were never apart. Every so often I get this horrible stab in my stomach, because I'm his mother and he's not with me, and I need to make sure he's safe. And I don't know where he is. I still talk to him but I don't know if he can hear me. I feel guilty if I'm happy, because I think I'm forgetting him. I try so hard to be thankful for every minute I had with him, and that I was so blessed, that he died in my arms and not alone, and that he really was my soulmate... he got so much cuter and sweeter as he got older. I got so sad today when I heard birds chirping and saw snow melting..it signifies the start of a new season, and one without him in it.

Mo & Maisie's Mom

Oh honey I'm so sorry about your Grandfather. He had a good long life. Isn't it odd how even though someone is old or really sick and you know they are going, it's a shock when they do? My Mother passed in 2005, she was both very sick and 85, we had been expecting her passing for a while. It was still a shock. It does bring back all the losses we have had in our lives.

Coming so soon on your loss of Mo it is really messing you up. Loss piles on loss and sometimes you just can't see your way out. I know your Mo loved you and would want you to be happy. He would hate that you feel like you have to be sad for him.

Thinking of you and your Grandfather

My condolences on your loss. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, especially so soon after losing your Mo.

I am here if you need to talk. Thinking of you..