I lost my beloved 11 year old American Bulldog, Mo, on January 25, 2007 after a brave battle with Mast Cell Cancer, Cushings Disease caused by an adrenal tumor and a failing heart. I am single, and live with his "sister", who is 9 1/2 and who is scheduled for her second mast cell tumor removal next week. I adore her as much, although she is a much more independent dog and we don't share quite as close of a connection as MoMo and I did. I stayed at home with him full time for the last 6 months - wouldn't go back to work as my job required national travel and I wouldn't leave him in case something happened. I also knew that my presence would help him to live longer. I am so incredibly thankful for that time I had with both of them, and that I had some money put away to do it. I still feel like I cut his life short. I made the decision after finding him unconscious on the floor in a puddle of urine - choking on his breakfast and gasping for air. I held him until he came to and then called the vet. He was scheduled for more procedures to alleviate some of the discomfort of the multiple, ulcerated mast cell tumors the following week, and when I got him to the emergency clinic they told me his heart was stopping and causing him to faint. They wanted to do a cardio workup the next day and find yet another course of treatment. I couldn't put him through anymore, and I wanted him to go with dignity in my arms and not alone, suffering and covered with urine if I wasn't here. I hope I made the right decision, but I keep doubting myself. I feel like I cut his life short.

I was scheduled for surgery a week after I put Mo down, and I think I was in such shock, and then on so many painkillers that the grief didn't hit until Maisie and I got back here on Sunday. I honestly have never experienced pain like this before, and my conflicted emotions about putting him down are making it worse. I had to go back to work, although not traveling nationally, so I am now feeling guilty that I can't be home with Maisie as I was with Mo.

If anyone can reach out who knows what this raw, horrible grief is like after you lose the closest thing to you, I would sincerely appreciate it..

Thank you

I just read your post and cried. I know exactly how you feel. When we were told that Nikki had a spleenic tumor which had ruptured and she was bleeding internally and that she would probably not survive the surgery we had to make a quick decision. The pain of seeing your furry baby so sick when just the day before she was full of life and chasing snowballs is so hard to accept. I cry everyday because I feel like there was something I should have seen before all the bad things started. In my minds eye I still see her lying there gasping for breath. My Nikki was 10 1/2 years old. I had her since she was 9 weeks old. I cannot express how hard it is to come home everyday and not her there to greet me. My husband put away all her things, but everyonce in a while I find her tennis balls hidden somewhere (she must have had atleast 50 of them flying around the house somewhere). We all understand how you feel. Lets just pray that our furry babies are in a better place and running and playing.
Ramona

Hello.I'm here,and I can reach out to you.I'm very glad you found this site because we all know what pain your going thur.I have been helped so much by the wonderful people here and I am sure we can help you as well.The pain you are suffering is natural,you lost someone you loved very much and now that he is gone you miss him.You have gone thur a lot in the past few months and you really need to give yourself a break.Please don't second guess yourself about the decision to put your dog to sleep.He was in so much pain and the truth is he wasn't going to get better so you did what was best for him.You ended his pain and you allowed him to pass with dignity and you got to be right there with him.Be thankful you had that extra time to spend with him and I promise you that in time it will get easier to handle even tho it will never completely go away.I lost my kitty of 16 years who's name was Sox back on Oct. 13th.He had to be put to sleep because he had several medical problems but I still wake up every day missing him but I don't regret doing it for one minute.I did what was best for him and you did what was best for your baby.That's all we can do.......Please try to remember that your dog had a wonderful life filled with love and companionship and he is safe now,waiting at the rainbow bridge until it is your time to pass on.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers tonight and I hope you'll keep posting here.We can help you so please keep in touch.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful words and encouragement. Late nights and early mornings, when Mo and I would sit together on the couch and watch the news - every single day for 10 years - are the hardest and when I feel the most alone. It helps so much to know that all of you have the same capacity to love and that you understand this heartbreak..thank you again..I'll keep posting...

We really do understand the pain you are feeling about your Mo. I had to have my baby girl Alley put to sleep in December. She was only 9 years old and very healthy but had contracted a fatal blood parasite for which there is no cure. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but she would only have suffered more for several days until she died on her own, if I hadn't done that for her. I miss her so much that sometimes I feel like my heart is shattered and it will never heal. maybe it won't. Some days its better, some its not. What you are feeling is normal and natural. You lost a beloved member of your family and there is no worse feeling.
I am sure that dealing with his sister's surgery and similar condition only reminds you of him and keeps it all fresh in your mind. I hope she is going to be ok.

Thinking of you..

Mo & Maisie's Mom

I'm so very sorry you lost your MoMo, He sounds like such a special guy. You were a great Mom it's so wonderful you got to spend so much time with your guy.

Honey you didn't 'cut his life short' you took on his pain so he would have to suffer. It was a beautiful, loving, and very brave thing you did.

When we lose someone close to us, our reality changes, things never 'go back to normal' we just learn to live in the new reality, without them. It seems so unreal, like maybe we never really had them. Like it was a beautiful dream, or that this is a nightmare we can't wake up from.

It's hard to learn to live in the new reality you are in, if you can keep coming here and reaching out, we will be here to reach back. I'd love to see a picture of Mo if you have one.

Thinking of you, Maisie and Mo

Thank God for this site and for all of you. I don't have a picture of Mo scanned into my new computer yet, but I will do that this weekend when I have some free time. I have some beautiful photos of him. It really does feel like a nightmare, but the fact that so many people understand and offer support gives me consolation. I'm truly thankful and I read every post from you all about 5 times.. it helps.

I just read your sad news and bless your heart. You are working through your own grief and have such a heart to be helping others through theirs. You can tell you loved your baby so much. It sounds you like you gave him a good home and life and there was so much love there. God bless you as you continue to work through this, and thank you again for the support you give others.

Boogi3

You didn't cut his life short, you refused to hold him to his pain. Read the poem "My Friend" that I just posted.

You are a good mom, and did a brave, selfless thing. There is nothing harder and my heart aches for you. Please know that he carried your love with him into the Summerland.

I'll be thinking about you and your MoMo.


Dawn

Thanks for the supporting words you gave to me.
All I can say is that I know how you feel. There is a huge gap in my life....it's only been one week for me and I think I am finding it harder now than the day of.
We are all thinking of you.

Thank you all so much for the kind words. It has been 4 weeks today since he died. It's so hard to believe. I miss him so terribly I don't even know how to put it into words.. all I can do is cry...

The grief of losing a beloved friend/furbaby/long-time companion is devastating and stunning. Having gone through this myself with my Daisy, I understand how you feel. I wanted to let you know that you did not cut Momo's life short. You gave him one of the greatest gifts of love we can give our furbabies - you let him leave this earth without pain or fear. You put aside your own grief and desire to keep him here a moment longer and let him go when the time was right.

I don't know if you believe this or not - but I find comfort in knowing that my Daisy, like your Momo, is now safe in God's care, whose love is greater than any we can givel. They are both happy and we will see them again one day.

I also find comfort in realizing that our pets were born and would have died whether or not we had ever known them. But, by knowing them (the cause of our suffering now) we were able to give them wonderful, happy lives. Is the price we pay when they leave too great? Of course not. Who would have missed a minute with their furbaby just so they wouldn't feel grief now?

My thoughts are with you.

Daisy's Mommy

It's been over a year and 2 months since I lost my Magic cat and found this site and sometimes it seems like yesterday. Since then I've lost 3 cats and a cow (that's a very long story) and with each loss there is no easy answer, no easy way to get past the heart-wrenching, nauseating pain, but you find the resources, and you find the people who care and have the words and wisdom to help you through the hardest times. Sometimes you just sit and cry and wonder if you can get through it, if you can live through these losses, knowing more will inevitably come, and I don't believe I can bear it, I will never live through it, I just know it. But, now I've been there, to the very edge and slowly back, and this site and the people here have been instrumental in bringing me back.

Please keep coming back and sharing your feelings - it helps us as much as it might help you. We're a community as strong as the people who hold us up, and you, sadly enough because of the reason, are one of our props. Please let us know how you're doing - take care - Barbara

Thank you. I'm so lucky to have this support from all of you. I will keep posting...it really does help me.