Having changed our e-mail address, I have been unable to reply or post any messages for a few days & it made me realise how important this site is to me. There is no one else in my life who understands how I feel about Furry, who knows that the pain is never-ending, who has been there & shares these feelings. I am so glad to be able to talk again. At almost 7 months without her I thought I would be feeling better, but I'm not - every day sees me waking & thinking of her, missing her all day, sheding tears, & wishing I could be with her.
I've been listening to Bruce Springsteen - The Rising, & Eva Cassidy - Songbird. Such sadness.
Judith

Judith

I can understand how you feel. I can't go long without posting here either. I feel like this is the only place that I can come and talk about Alley and it truly is the only place. My family members who knew and lived with her even, have already forgotten her it seems. They never have anything to say even if I bring her name up. Alley was MY baby though, and so obviously her mama's girl. She wasn't affectionate with anyone else really so they didn't know her true self like I did.

Your Furry was so lovely. I do know how much you miss her. Seven months is a long time to be without your soul mate. The thought that I will see Alley again someday is the only thing that keeps me going.

I would love to hear more about your gorgeous Furry when you feel like talking aboutr her.

Judith,
Furry was so beautiful lovely markings. I love to look at our pets pictures.
Its been over a year since I lost my friend Byron and it still hurts so much.
I was just listening to the radio and Mariah Carey was singing "One sweet day" and I ended up in tears. Take care.

Cleo 1

Gosh, I could have written your post myself. It's only been over two months for me. I have my good days and bad. I found no one understands or cares too. The week it happened everyone pretty much ignored it or changed the subject.

DH and I spent Christmas bawling our eyes out at our old apartment complex where Misty or "the boy"as we called him used to play, yet anyone I tried to reach out to just changed the subject like I was insane.

I found this board myself a few weeks ago, and found so much support. Reading others stories help me too to see I am not alone.

I am so sorry about Furry........I have the same problem with music, as I start bawling at his favorite songs.......

I am so sorry. It has been four months for me and the pain is still as fresh sometimes as the day it happened. I don't talk about it much except with my partner...most people feel like I should be over it. I've gotta believe that they are happy and we will see them again, although that seems like an eternity away. Dawn

Dear Alleys Mama, Cleo, Radgirl & Dawn,
Thank you so much for your replies - as soon as I got up I was able to read them & know that I'm not alone. Even if I'm crying my husband completely ignores it, I think that it was only Furry who made my life liveable these last 11 years.
I have adopted another cat since she died, because I couldn't bear to come home to the emptiness. Bella is probably about 13, & now if she seems a bit under the weather I get really worried about her. Do cats that age sleep all the time? I knew when I adopted her that I would be opening up my heart to more grief, but told myself it would never be as terrrible as losing Furry so young. Now I'm sure it will be. I just feel so on the verge of tears all the time.
Judith

Judith

I lost my best friend and kitty cat, Butch, 10 years ago. The first year was very hard for me and at the first year anniversary I almost joined him. Ten years later that anniversary can be so very hard. You are not alone. I still cry for him and wish he were here, he's been gone so long.

Now my Moustache kitty is gone 4 months, it's really hard to lose them young too. I think no matter how old they are it hurts. You love them so much.

Bella is probably okay. My 10 year old, Autumn, sleeps a lot too. She gets up and keeps us company a few times a day, but she sleeps a bunch of it. I know she is well and healthy, the older they get, the more they seem to sleep. That's saying something 'cause cats sleep a lot anyway. Our new kitten, Majik, has put some new life in her, he does bug her.

Love

Feel no sorrow, feel no pain,
feel no hurt, there's nothing gained
only love would then remain,
she would say.....

Judith,

In a few days it will be the dreaded 1/2 year mark for me since Nissa's transition (when I say "a half a year!?!?!" in my head, I absolutely can't believe it's been so long already! ), and in many ways I'm feeling even worse now, rather than better. Each day is getting more and more depressing with the beginnings of REALLY realizing that she's just not going to magically 'show up' again one morning starting to sink in.....the mornings darn near kill me, as does bedtime when I have to fight back the tears and heart-wrenching pain if I hope to get any sleep at all.

The distractions I use throughout the days and evenings only help a little bit, and never take away the constant pain and knowledge of WHY I'm trying to distract myself in the first place. I feel like every day another little piece of me is getting buried, and as if those pieces will never return, either....just like my girl.

Lately, I've been trying to research possible vacation places for this summer, my first w/o Nissa as well as my first w/o either her or Sabin (oh! I just PANIC when I even start to think about it!!!), knowing I'll need a BIGGER distraction then, for at least one lousy week. But after reading tons of reviews for places, many of them troubling in one way or another, I don't even know if I've got the energy for a trip anywhere...so much planning, thinking, details, worries, etc. Even the thought of having to go thru the ridiculously long hassle of getting a passport now (something we Canadians have never before needed to cross over or into the States....sorry to those who are American, but you wouldn't believe what we're having to go thru to get these all of a sudden, and I'm right pissed about it) is wearing me right down. Every little thing feels like SUCH a chore!

This new-found freedom is too alien and lonely, and is just making me feel like I've lost my moorings. I hate it and don't know why in the world I ever thought it would be a HELP for the aftermath of my girl's passing!! Freedom to do as one pleases doesn't feel like freedom at all, when your heart's been ripped apart. So just know that you're not alone in feeling so terrible, even after several months. I'm right there with you.

As for cats sleeping more as they age....well, I know people say that they do, yet Nissa was still acting like about an 8-year-old (compared to other cats we knew) at that age...at least until her brother left us. And when she recuperated from her own grief, even with her kidney problems, she was still VERY active in between short snoozes. (neither of our kids ever slept a whole lot - they had too much to accomplish every day!) What I really believe is that it has more to do with their state of health than anything else, and with how much interaction and playtime they're offered by us throughout the day. Nissa didn't start sleeping a LOT until her 18th year, when health issues started catching up with her and increasing overall. She still played, though. But at 18, they're also around their 90's, in human terms, though I've even heard of cats in their 20's who were very active until just before they passed! (remarkable!) So I still think it's a health thing, mainly. Seeing as you don't know the whole background of Bella, perhaps a homeopathic vet's assistance (with const*itutional remedies) might help either allay your fears or assist in adding more perkiness in Bella. Nissa didn't start getting REALLY good homeopathic care UNTIL she was 13, yet it still worked wonders for her.

So if you're worried about Bella's lack of energy, you could consider acting on those worries, to make yourself feel better about her well-being, and that in turn might help you feel a bit better overall. But also keep in mind that worrying about others' health is a natural reaction after a big loss....another thing homeopathics can help with for yourself. Often those closest to their furkids need treatment at the same time, and since you're still grieving over Furry (great pics lately, btw!), you deserve some care for yourself, too!

tikkanen,
I so wish I could do what your poem says, but I can't.

Dear Furkidlet's mum,
Your pain is still so great - you loved Nissa & Sabin more than life itself. I know how you feel about holidays - what's the point? When Furry was alive we had holidays for six of her 11 years with us. Now I wish I hadn't wasted those 24 weeks I could have been with her. Once she was ill we never left her for a night. I just have to try & remind myself that she could so easily have died before she did - before she came to us she could have got out onto the very busy main road we live on & got run over as her brother did. Or if I hadn't been at home on the day she first collapsed she woud certainly have died. But nothing matters as much as the fact that she isn't here now & I would do anything if I could have her back again.
Bella was happy today, she plays for a few minutes then crashes out. I think it's just my nerves, as you said. She now comes down to greet me when I come back from work, bur I will always miss the sight of Furry, who sat on the windowseat, & when I drove up she would stretch out a paw, call hello, then wait for me at the door.
Judith

Judith,

Yah...I know.

I had to, in some small but increasing ways, get used to 'giving up' Nissa over the last 2 or 3 years....when my anticipatory grief first started rearing its ugly head. When Sabin was here, HE'd be the one, never fail, to be poking his head around the wall beside our stairs when we'd get home from wherever, ready to yell at us, "You're BACK!!YEAH!!!...now LET ME OUT AND LET'S PLAY!!" (both our kids were REALLY loud and vocal!) Although Nissa was actually the more vocal one overall, Sabin made it his mission to speak for the both of them when it came to many things they enjoyed...and he used to be the louder one, too. Then, when he was gone, Nissa took over this 'job', and would most often, though not always, be the one poking her head around the corner, or at least waiting on the stairs....always SOOO happy we'd come back home. She also got even LOUDER....something we hadn't thought was possible! Quite a few times she sounded JUST like Sabin....and then I knew he was right there with us, still joining in his homelife. Then gradually, Nissa greeted us less and less when we'd been out, but still get up all perky when I roused her. Later still, she didn't necessarily get up right away. And soon, it seemed, I wasn't going out myself anymore if I could at all help it. The last few months of her life here, I don't think I left the house w/o her in tow (for increasing vet trips) for more than a few minutes for more than 1/2 dozen times....and I preferred it that way. I wanted to be as available to her as possible.

But now....there's no one to let me know they're still around, or to emulate them. I know I should get out of this house more often (and I'm supposed to be doing that....therapist's 'orders'!), but I just don't have the energy to go to all that effort yet. It's just taking me a long time to not only readjust my ENTIRE LIFESTYLE (as if that wasn't enough all by itself!), but I'm still dog-tired from all those years of caregiving and add to that the natural energy loss from grieving, and you have one "sad sack" of a mom here! So I just count my blessings that at least I'm not just laying in bed every day, doing absolutely nothing. But I also hate this inertia, so I'm trying to find some kind of balance while being severely UNbalanced. I want to get fit and healthier again...but am stuck in low energy and sorrow, so it's hard to get going on that, too.

I'm rather relieved that both of my kids are together again, and don't have to worry about their own issues in the same ways, or fight ailing bodies anymore....and I'd even hate to have them come back into the physical for those same reasons....but neither do I feel I can keep living w/o profound sadness accompanying me, and without them here to keep me on track. So I just feel like I'm caught between one personal Hell and another.

When they're such a huge part of our lives, and fill roles no one else ever could or would, when they have to leave, it leaves us so utterly empty and longing for the past, it's not funny. Thank God we can talk about this stuff here, cuz no one 'out there' wants to even hear about our loneliness, especially if we don't wish to go out and 'party' as if nothing of any import had happened. If we're not 100% our old selves, no one wants us around....even 60% won't do. And we'll never BE our old selves, anyway...not after loss. It's virtually impossible.