It has been two months today since I lost my Alley. Two months! How can it be two months, when it feels like just yesterday I heard those words "nothing we can do" and made that awful decision to let her go. It seems like just yesterday they placed her little body in the cold frozen ground. It seems like just yesterday that the light went out of my life. How can this be two months already?

I have a couple more pictures to share. The first one is the only picture I have of Alley as a kitten. It was so hard to get a picture of her because she just wanted to climb on me! Oh how that changed, lol. Alley was Never a lap cat. Affection was on her terms, her way. What a little cutie she was!



The next picture... the little sailor dress. Oh how she hated the dresses! She just looked too cute in them though, I couldn't resist. My mom had to hold her still for this picture because she kept trying to "back out" of the dress somehow. I love how the picture shows her furry little feet. She had long tufts of hair growing on the bottom between her toes and I always teased her about being sasquatch or something, but I have learned it is common in long haired cats.




I would give anything to have her back, to hold her, for even just one more minute. One more hour, one more day. A lifetime with her might be enough. All the pain of losing her, all the tears these past two months, all the misery and loneliness... I would do it all again, to have one moment to feel her again and hold her close.

Mama loves you Alley. Wait for me.....



I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Author Unknown

AlleysMama,

I'm with you today, as well.... *hugs*.... What we are both feeling at this time, this "anniversary", is so very painful. Know that you are not alone... Our babies are with us, and we are not feeling this alone....

Thank you for posting this poem. It always brings a bit of peace, if any amount of words can ever do that. And I like the pictures! What an adorable kitten she is! Take care and we will remember Alley and Caesar, two cuties who will be with us eveywhere... every-when.

Amarna

Alleys Mama

Oh honey I'm so sorry for you today. Theses damn anniversaries are so hard. To hold them again just for a while.... kiss that little head, tease them again.

Alley was such a cutie pie kitten! OMG, what a little face. That picture of her in a dress! Girl she does NOT look happy, but just too cute, LOL. I love it. She looks like she is plotting a kill on the person who did such a thing to her. She did have great furry feet. My Moose had the long tufts of fur between his toes. His were black and white, I called him the 'snow cat', told him the long fur was for walking on snow. He did love to walk and sit in the snow, as long as it wasn't TOO deep. Oh how I miss him, I just can't stop crying today, not sure why.

I'm thinking of you and your Alley today

Thank you both for being here. I can't seem to stop crying today either, but unfortunately I have to be here at work. I'm going to try to leave early, but I don't know if I can. So much to do. Don't they understand that I don't care?? I just want to go home and curl up with Alley's pictures and her little piece of fur and just cry.

I miss her so much.

I think I will always feel this sad.

Just wanted to add another picture. This is one my son took of her a few months ago with his webcam so its not good quality. She was so beautiful. I love her white whisker and wish I had it for a keepsake

Hey there, Alley's mama ~~ Just thinking of you and "us". All of us, at this day of days, time of times. Guess we're pretty much doing the same thing, today. Snuggling up with what we have left of our dear "hearts". I just had to talk to someone....

That white whisker is so *cute*!! I know how you feel about wishing you had kept it! What a unique trademark! And those eyes!! Are they for real? !! : ) Alley is amazing. I want one!! : ) (Too bad I'm allergic to cats.) Thanks for sharing that picture, as it made me smile. People have told us how much Caesar looked like a cat, from the back, with his ears and fur and all. He sort of did, really.

I wish we could have 'em back.... I want him back so darn bad it hurts...

Well, hang in there, today.... I'm dreading 4:30 to 4:45, this afternoon.... I wish I could not only forget the date and the day, but also the time. The angle of the sun has changed since then, though, and for this small astronomical happening, I am glad.... You take care, Alley's mommy.... *hugs for you, and some for Alley, too*... Amazing eyes...

I love you Caesar-pup!! Mommy loves you.

Amarna

Dearest Paula,

Oh, I know this day is probably sucking royally for you and I'm so sorry it's another hard one, worse than the others.

The poem was lovely and the pics even better! The one of her as a kitten...well, you can just SEE she's impatiently waiting for you to get finished with that darn contraption and get back where you belonged... with her! You're mom was a brave woman for daring to hold Alley in that dressy pose! Alley looks like she'd like to put her clawsies to good use! I actually really like that last pic your son took cuz you can see Alley's sweet face so much better! I also like how your son's fingers are just squooshing down into her wonderful fur.

I don't blame you for wishing you had her one 'magic' whisker, but then removing it might have felt sort of wrong, too. I know when I took a tiny clipping of Sabin's white tail tip fur, I apologized to him first, and then tried not to remove too much because then I'd see it, before his burial, and it was such a teensie 'fluff' to begin with, that even this little amount took quite a chunk out of it. But it is nice to have in my locket now, alongside his black fur. I'd never mentioned, but when Nissa got older, she had one whisker that was white just for the first 1/2" or so, never more.....strange that it never got longer than that. But their little quirky markings become sooooo special to us, no matter what they were. It's all wrapped up in the love.

Anyway, I hope that work went by fast enough, even if that was just from 'zoning out' in sad reverie. Perhaps being busy today will end up helping some, unless you're like me and just store it up for the next day. Those tears get shed, one way or another, though. Another day, hour, minute with them....no, nothing will really ever do except for an eternity. I think that's what we're ALL waiting to get with our babies....and it's what we all deserve!

Paula,I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you today.I remember when you found this site,I had just lost my boy Sox just a few months before you lost your Alley.I know your hurting today and I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better.I hope that by knowing you are not alone in your grief that it helps just a little bit.My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight and I hope you'll soon find peace.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

FK's mom

Thank you so much for your words. Yesterday WAS a rough day, but I got through it. Funny you should refer to it as her "magic" whisker because thats how I always thought of it. I used to tease her all the time that I was going to pull it out and "take away all her powers" lol. She didn't like that idea at all! I did actually think of "saving" it, at the time, but then I thought that she might need it wherever she is. You can even see it in her kitten picture if you look hard enough.

She didn't like the dresses and she hated being picked up, but she was never one to claw or bite. She would endure almost anything with just a hateful look that promised revenge to come She would accidentally claw once in a while if you happened to be holding her and she tried to get down but other than that, she was an angel and kept her little claws to herself. The only problem with pictures is that she was so black, that often her features didn't stand out in them, but rather turned out to be a black area with bright yellow eyes. I have so many pictures of her, I have found almost 2 dozen total, but they aren't nearly enough

Renee

Thank you so much for thinking of me and Alley. Just knowing that you all are there and sharing the grief, helps tremendously. I miss her so much and I still feel so angry about it, that it had to happen at all, that I couldn't be there with her to the end. I'm not sure those feelings will ever go away.

How is little Smoky doing? I am waiting anxiously for pictures!

Thank you all so much for being here with me. It means more than you will ever know.

Paula

I can see that white whisker easily in her kitten pic as well! It's good that you feel okay with leaving it with her....whatever works, eh? (quite the cute "tease", that was )

I sure know what you mean about the challenge of getting decent pics of a black cat! That's the main reason I don't have as many of Sabin. We used to tell him that he had a face that simply 'disappeared' whenever he closed his eyes! "Where'd ya GO, Bud?!?!" I always had to set the camera to compensate and make the pic darker, so he'd actually look like his real colour, but then the fine details also disappeared....sigh. Unlike Nissa, who was a perfect shade of grey for the camera's metering system, so taking pics of her was so easy! Had I only known that in future there'd be home computer software that could allow us to edit those pics to look normal, I would have merrily clicked away!....sigh...too late now.

I'm glad you've found more pics though. Any idea when your family will be taking more of her special spot for you?

We all get through these rough anniversaries and can then feel a bit of relief that we managed to do so, as if we've gotten one more 'under the belt'. But it's also hard at the same time to realize that it's one more milestone that puts us farther away from the time our beloveds were last here and that can often feel sickening in the pits of our stomachs. ...just another thing that JUST....ISN'T.....RIGHT!

Even if your anger never goes away completely, I think it will soften and lessen over time. The anger I felt over the lack of guidance I got from our one vet (only one at the time) with Sabin's passing gradually toned down and while I'm still carrying a bit of it today, it certainly doesn't overpower me, nor do I choose to dwell on it. It's more like a "live and learn" feeling now. But it can come back up if I recall it and 'stoke' it. The anger I had towards myself though has diminished even more than the other, as I practised self-forgiveness a little bit at a time. So I have hope for you, even if you can't yet imagine it happening for yourself. Try not to dwell too much in it, but just allow it to be as much a part of your grief experience as any other feeling, noting it but watching it ebb and flow, appear and disappear, as you move along over the next months. It doesn't have to become permanent, even if you choose to use it to self-punish, as many of us do.

And I hope the wknd. will bring you a bit of a respite from the waves of sorrow from yesterday.

Alley's Mama - I am so sorry for your grief. I know how horrible it is. You nailed it - every time one of my babies dies, another light goes out in my life.

I know I'll never have a full heart again because it's been shattered 6 times now (Pepper died this morning).

But, I can see God's love for Pepper and for us throughout Pepper's life and now, his death and I praise and THANK God so much for that. Remember, I'm the one who was so angry at God 2 weeks ago, it bordered on hatred.

I know, Paula, without a doubt, that Alley IS in heaven.

I held Pepper's body this morning after he had died and it was completely different. No one can tell me that that difference is only because his heart ceased to beat. These beautiful babies, these ANGELS FROM GOD have souls. It is so obvious - SOMETHING departs their bodies at the time of death and lives on. No doubt at all in my mind.

I hope that that is somewhat of a comfort to you.

Love,
Jan

Alleys Mama

Oh ANOTHER great picture of her, she was just too gorgeous. I love that white whisker! Majik has one white wisker on each side of his little face, it's so cute.

I hope things are a little better today, at least you don't have to be a work, crying. I'm thinking of you honey.

Love

jan

I'm so sorry about Pepper. How amazing you are, that you can be here to offer comfort to me when you are hurting so much with your own loss. I wasn't able to be with Alley when she passed, but I like what you said about their souls departing when they pass and knowing that they are somewhere, waiting for us. If I thought that I would never see her again, someway, somewhere, I don't think I could stand it.

FK's mom

I'm not sure when I will get pictures of Alley's grave. I know the weather has been horrid there and it will be a while before things are settled enough for them to do anything with it. Her stone still needs to be painted with her name and it hasn't been dry and warm enough yet to do that. I also want to pick out some nice flowers to send and have them put those on her grave but I just haven't found the right ones yet. I've looked at a lot, but none of them seem good enough for my girl.

Lori

How cute that majik has white whiskers too! I know I'm biased but I always though that Alley was the most beautiful cat in the world and Majik looks so much like her. I envy you in him. I went to petsmart today to pet the kitties in the cages. My heart breaks for them all and I truly wish I could bring one home. I have five more months until I can move though so for now all I can do is go pet them once in a while.

I did have a dream about Alley last night, but it was brief and I only remember seeing her standing in the doorway, looking back at me over her shoulder just like in this picture. I called her name and she meowed at me then walked into the other room but when I went in there she was gone, and I woke up

She was a very pretty girl, her fur looks so silky soft, and that photo of her as a kitten is so adorable. Leo did not get to wear a dress but he happily (well, obliged for our amusement) donned a small pair of teddy bear glasses that made him look like a cat harry potter for a few pictures The dream you had is something I am waiting for, after someone I love dies sooner or later I will meet them in my dreams, sometimes it is frustrating because it takes up to a few years. Even if it is just a glance or very brief moment it is to me a sign that they are checking up on their people to tell them their spirit lives on.

macgrl

I would love to see the picture of Leo in his glasses! That sounds so adorable. A few weeks ago I had a much nicer dream about Alley and in that one it truly felt like she was there, not dreaming about her, but dreaming, with her coming into the dream to reassure me. It was so wonderful and I've been waiting for another dream like that since then.

Alleys Mama

Oh I love how she is looking over her sholder at you in this one. She was so beautiful. I was wondering if you have thought of volunteering at a shelter until you can move and get your own cat? It would give you a way to be around kitties until then. I know you work and it would be hard but maybe you could just talk to some people? I'd call the ones you found on petfinder.com. The kitties in shelters need to be petted and loved too. Five more months, dang.

It's nice to dream of them, even short ones. I think she was just checking up on mama.

Love