I adopted two young cats on Friday, less than two weeks after I lost my beloved Zeke. I thought I was ready for new pets, but now I'm not sure I was. I don't want to even look at the new arrivals. One, a female about 3 years old, is very skittish and has spent most of the past three days hiding under the bed. Feeling as I do, I fear I won't want to spend the time or effort to help her adjust to her new surroundings. The other, a 2-year-old male, is very friendly, but when he climbs into my lap, I just want him to leave. I was hoping having them in the house would help me heal; instead, I want Zeke back more than ever.

What should I do? One of my friends tells me I should hang on to the cats, that I will grow to love them. But what if I don't? Should I make them stay in a home with someone who may only be, at best, mildly interested in them? I adopted them from a rescue group, and I know the group would take them back ...

If you truly feel that you cannot be a good mom to them, then you might consider having them go to another home, but I wouldn't make the decisions too fast. I had a cat that I loved dearly and when he was taken from me after only a year I was devastated. I got Alley a week later and at first I felt weird, like she wasn't the same as him, wasn't as good,,, but I had her for nine wonderful years and we turned out to have a closer, more loving bond than I had with Wiley, or any other animal, ever. They are all special in their own way and they all deserve a loving home. It may be that you are not ready to give that to them, but only you can decide. I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

It's only been a few days since you got them, a relationship will take time. With a new kid the first thing I try to do is find what is wonderful and special about them. Each is a unique being, a special wonderful being, and you can find that. They will not be like Zeke, they will be like themselves. I know you want Zeke back, but that isn't going to happen.

When I lost my very best friend and kitty cat, Butch, 10 years ago I got a new kitten just 4 days after he passed. There were times I hated her for being alive when my Butch couldn't be. Her name is Autumn and I love her so much for her now, but the relationship did take time.

I would hold and love the little boy who needs a lap in honor of Zeke. It helps me to think my lost baby sent me the new kids. My Moustache kitty has been gone three months and at we have a new kitty. We have had Majik two months now and I have felt sad often that he is not Moose. I have felt bad that I don't love him like I loved my Moose. I am slowly finding the wonderful things about him, letting him sleep on my lap. Letting him creep into my heart.

Your new girl is afraid, new house new brother. I would give her some time to hide. The fact is that you and Zeke had a very special, intense realtionship, that maybe only comes along once in a lifetime. The feeling you had for him you will never have again. Even if you get that close to another cat, the feeling will be different. Just try to be delighted and find joy in what you do have.


Well only you can make that decission, but so many cats ONLY have shelter to live in and a great many don't even have that. Wouldn't it be better to have a warm home and enough food, even if you never get more than 'mildly interested'? I think, and this is just me, that you need to give a at least a little more time. A month or two isn't much and the rescue group would still take them back.


I almost forgot, I used my Autumn as a 'kitty Kleenex' I would just hold her and cry about my lost boy. She soaked up a lot of tears, and that helped us bond.

These 2 ladies speak with the voices of experience and gave some excellent ways to view this situation. While I haven't had the same experience, I did end up choosing to help a stray cat who was hanging around a short while after I lost my Nissa-girl. And while he really was a wonderful guy and provided me with a lot of love, so easily and readily, my biggest stumbling block was discovering that I simply wasn't ready to take on the whole health/vet thing yet. (I'm slow to heal that way) He was a great guy, but also was frightened by the indoors, so slunk along the floor in fear whenever I brought him in from the garage. I went the extra distance to try and find him a home, with the help of a no-kill shelter woman who finally agreed to take him in while I advertised. He did eventually find one, not ideal but not bad. And within a few wks. of being housed indoors with the no-kill, he was okay with his newer surroundings. But you know, having taken just partial responsibility for him, I still feel quite badly about not keeping him myself, just because I know he would have had an even better home with me! I know he would have had to suffer alongside me with my grief for Nissa, and not being able to (yet) feel MORE for him than I was capable of, but I'm also pretty darn sure that, given more time, I would have come to love him, too....even IF not as much. In fact, truth be told.....I actually still miss him, too, and am very sorry inside that I hadn't felt up to the task at the time.

Now I've got another likely stray who I'm feeding, so she won't starve. She's not even close to how loving this other guy was, but even her visits bring up the same thing you're feeling - I want my Nissa back more than ever, especially given this cat's totally opposite nature and ways! So I find myself regretful that I don't have the other guy here to give me some much-needed love. And, if I had already taken someone in formally, I don't think I could give them back...especially if at least one of them was willing to sit in my lap while I grieved. Knowing how I now have some regrets for not keeping the other fellow, I'd feel too guilty about making someone go back to that shelter 'life', also keeping in mind how long it usually takes for cats to be adopted out, if ever.

So while all this is just my opinion, I'm thinking along the same lines Moose Mom is.....isn't "mildly interested", but being safe, warm, fed, looked after, not stuck with a bunch of others (maybe even caged) better than the alternative? Perhaps you did get them a bit too soon, but now they've already taught you something about yourself, and you have to allow for the possibility that you might bring on other just-as-difficult feelings in yourself if you give them up. Based on how I'm feeling now, I'd suspect that in time you'd change your mind about them. You didn't say how long it had been since you lost Zeke, but part of your lack of interest might be connected to some general lack of energy from your grief, as well as the grief itself. So I'd definitely give it, and yourself, more time. Things often work out in unanticipated, but good, ways.

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I'll take it to heart.

But I probably should have supplied a few more details about the situation. She's hiding under the bed and won't come out ... which means she's using the floor under my bed as a litter box. I tried moving a box next to the bed so she wouldn't have to come out for long ... Hasn't helped. Today, the male has started going outside the litter box - on the couch, the rug, the bath mat, the sink ...

I can slide food and water under the bed to the female, but when I reach to take the plates and bowls back, she goes ballastic, literally screaming and running around, falling, hitting walls. I'm afraid if she hurts herself, I won't be able to get her to a vet, and I couldn't do follow-up treatment at home.

The male also started hitting the female last night. I put him in a separate room, but then he yowled all night.

I don't know that I have the time, patience, money or even the desire to work out all these problems. I haven't been able to even touch the female, and I'm distancing myself from the male even more now that he's contributing to the problems. I've had cats my entire adult life and have never had two react like this.

Well, yes, that complicates matters. First off, are both of these cats fixed? If not, that could be a large part of the problem. Secondly, have you tried calling back the group you got them from, to see if they have any suggestions? Often they're only too happy to help with adjustments such as this and should have much experience in common problems with adoptions. It's certainly worth a try, talking to them first.

In the meantime, you might try putting on some soothing, relaxing music for each of them, as this can help, too. I know also that flower essences would likely help, but don't know if you have any at hand or if you can get any quickly.

It could even be that, in addition to the emotional trauma of adjusting to a new situation, these two are picking up on your inner angst (mirroring your own state of mind) and that's making matters worse. That's not to lay any blame, but just another thing to consider.

I can certainly see how unworkable this is as it stands right now, and I can understand how this is more than you want to contend with during your grief. I'll see if I can get ahold of my no-kill friend and ask if she has any insight or suggestions that I wouldn't know about, cuz I know she's had a few adjustment challenges herself with some cats. Hopefully, I should hear back from her sometime today. I know I've read about others who went through such early periods with new cats, and it did work out with some effort and time, but only you can tell if this will be too much for you right now. But in the meantime, make sure you take at least half a dozen deep inhalations and exhalations at least a few times/day to calm down some as you're thinking about this. Take some deep breaths NOW!

There's a product called Feliway (also called Comfort Zone) which has a couple different varieties. One you can get at Petsmart and other pet stores, the other, a bit better, but twice the price, you can get through a vet clinic. You can buy a spray or a diffuser that has pheromones in them to help calm cats - help them get used to their new environment. It also helps with kitties using anywhere but the litterbox. I use the diffuser, as my young cat tends to beat up my older cat, but have found that she is calmer when I have the diffuser. I have never tried the spray, but its more of a quick fix than the diffuser, like for travel and things like that. There is also some natural products, that should be available at some vets' or even pet stores that sell natural products for anxiety.
If these two cats didn't spend their time together in the shelter, the one might just be overwhelmed with change. I would try some of these remedies to try to relax her, and keep her seperate from the other kitty temporarily - and introduce them when their comfortable with you and your house first. They will come around. When I got my kitty Nuku, only 2 months after my Homer passed, I felt the same way, and still after a year, I have trouble telling her I love her. I felt like I was 'cheating' or something. But I know that Homer will always be in my heart, and she will never take his place. The heart is a funny thing, just when you think it's full, it seems to grow. Zeke would want you to be happy.

Heres a link for feliway: http://www.vpl.com/product.php?catmain=&ma...24&cat=Behavior

Good advise from Leigh-ann. And I just talked to my shelter friend and she had a number of things you could try.

Firstly, she says most female cats are usually more frightened when in new situations, and are harder than males to acclimatize. As a rule, they're also less affectionate (always exceptions, though, like Nissa), so that makes it even more difficult to get them used to you. They are the huntresses and protectors of their offspring, so are naturally more territorial and aggressive when feeling threatened.

If these cats aren't kittens, it might take a little longer for them to settle down, but she's had much success herself with the process. So firstly, if the female is in YOUR bedroom, or a bedroom that sees the coming and going of people, she suggested you move her to a room, or even a basement, where she won't be disturbed and can have the space to herself for awhile. If you have a spare bathroom that isn't used much, this might also be a good spot, as cleaning up urine would be easier. (you hadn't mentioned whether this room was carpeted or not) And of course, keep the food dishes a fair distance away from the litterbox. But whichever room works to provide some isolation, keep the door to it closed, so that the cat can feel safer. You could also try different foods that the cat seems to really like/prefer, so that your feeding trips to her start seeming like a more positive thing for her to look forward to. Of utmost importance, as Leigh-ann suggested, is to keep these 2 separated from each other for now, as they are obviously not yet getting along and the male is frightening the female even more than she already is. As much as possible, you should try to observe her from a distance and see what you can learn from her behaviour.

You might also ask the rescue group if perhaps she was a feral cat, with no real contact with humans before, as this could make it harder to acclimatize her.

For the male, she suggested giving him the run of the house (if he doesn't already have that), since if he's already been sitting on your lap, and was howling when shut away, he's obviously more of a people-cat and needs the company. It's quite possible his elimination accidents have a lot to do with the upset between him and the female, (as could have the forced isolation that night) so keeping them apart might solve his. The Feliway (or the other one) should also discourage him from what is possibly a territorial battle or emotional upheaval.....one of the commonest reasons for improper elimination in cats. (and for example, when I was housing a stray in our garage, another cat pooped right on the carpet at the side door to the garage, either before or after they'd fought with each other there, though they both knew how to use the litterbox)

Since this woman has had to take in hundreds of cats over the last 20 or so years, she wasn't surprised at all to hear of such behaviour, especially from a female cat, so considers you quite lucky to have had nothing but easier experiences with other cats you've had. (don't shoot the messenger, please! I was surprised, too and now think I also was very fortunate! ) So perhaps these 2 have been sent your way to give you a chance to test yourself with a more challenging relationship? I dunno....just a thought. She also wondered how short a time you've had them (I didn't know exactly) because it can, according to her, take a few weeks or sometimes longer, for older cats to adjust to a new home.

However, if you don't find that any of this works, she suggested giving one, or both of them back to the rescue group ASAP, to minimize the stress to them of being put back in that environment again after being out of it.

Hope some of this helps!

Oh, and I just thought of another thing. You might also try putting her litterbox near a corner of the room, or underneath something high enough for head-room, as cats often prefer some sort of semi-enclosure around their litterbox, but one that gives them room on at least 2 sides to move around as necessary. I think it makes them feel safer when eliminating if it's not right out in the open, so to speak.

I also found this article (as a PDF) that explains quite a bit about introducing new cats into a new home, including a lot of details about 'tricks of the trade'. Although it's geared towards a new cat with an existing household cat, the info also applies quite well to your situation, with 2 new ones who don't know each other. It also echos what my shelter friend said about these behaviours being quite common in the first while, so if you didn't experience them before with other cats, then it seems you did just get lucky.
Cat Introductions

The things Furkidlets’ Mom and her shelter friend said are great. The article she posted is wonderful too. If you haven’t had problems with cat introductions before this, you have been very lucky.

I’ve been thinking about this for two days now. After reading your second post about how bad it is I see that my first post was overly optimistic, but I didn’t understand. Here is the thing, the cats can’t talk and I think someone should be on their side, talk for them, they had no choice. Like Dr. Phil says, sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you make the decision, right .

You made the choice to bring two beautiful lives into your home. It was your choice not theirs. Now it’s time to make the decision, right. It is my opinion, and you may tell me to go straight to hell, that your feelings, your time, your money, your home need to take second place to the lives you have taken responsibility for. Like I said, just my opinion.

I’m not here to make things harder for others, or to tell anyone off. That is not what I’m doing here and I’m sorry if I’m coming off that way. It seems you did get the cats too fast without thinking about it enough. Maybe getting two cats that weren’t friends already wasn’t a good idea. That said they are now your responsibility. It also seems to me that you are now trying to make another decision too fast, taking them back because the first few days were a challenge. Maybe there is a lesson here in how to love all cats. I know, it’s been two days since you posted and you may already have taken them back, I so hope not. I’m also hoping you learned a lesson about talking your time and thinking about things before you do them.

The little girl is terrified and the little boy just wants to be loved. They are special beings who need your love and understanding. There is so much stress in moving them from home to home, how can they cope? How many homes have they already had? Talking them back might only make them sick or worse. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, sorry if I came on to strong but most of all I’m sorry for the two cats who are in a difficult situation not of their making.

As always, Moose Mom has said some wise, wise things here and gotten to the real heart of the matter. I feel like saying we should ALL listen to her, all the time, because she's one of the smartest people I've ever heard! (but no pressure, Lori! )

She also brings up one other point I'd like to respond to and that is this:

I know my shelter friend is very smart about just this kind of issue, and will often take measures ahead of time for any possible adoptions, so that placement will be easier for all concerned. She will deliberately house 2 cats together, watch over time to see if they are acclimatizing to each other.....and then attempt to get them adopted out as a pair. This serves 2 purposes. One, each cat has a pal already to help ease the stress of adoption (IF she can convince the adopter to take both, of course!), and the integration obviously goes smoother for everyone all-round. Also, the cats then have buddies for life and won't be subjected to a life of loneliness if no one's home during work hours. And further, it gets TWO cats adopted out instead of just one......ALWAYS the biggest battle, the sheer numbers of those who need homes!

So I have to wonder about this rescue group, who obviously didn't take this into consideration beforehand. Nor does it seem like they talked to you first about HOW to properly introduce these cats into your home, which is often part of standard practise at many shelters, because they certainly don't want to see them coming back, either! Half the battle at shelters is trying to stack the odds against getting 'returns', and they need worry about this kind of thing for at least the first month after adoption. This group doesn't seem to have prepared anyone properly in that respect.

I, too, hope you have been busy reading all this and that those 2 confused souls are still in your keeping, not just for the sake of their own lives, but for yours as well, because very often people can heal better in grief when they have to focus on someone else's needs as well as their own. I know that's how it was for me when I had Nissa to care for after her brother's passing. It is one great tool for reconstructing the meaning and purpose of our continuing lives after a loss.

Nissa's Mommy

Oh no, no pressure! OMG LOL Now I just have to figure out a way to keep you all baffled with my bull#$%^. Never happen, but thanks for the good words!

Love

I forgot to say yesterday a big THANK YOU to Furkidlets' Mom for everything she did to help this situation. Calling her friend and then posting the information and finding that great site. A lot of time and effort so thank you again, you are such a treasure to have on this site.


Love

Oh my goodness! (blush!...we need a blushing emoticon) I just care about the furbabies, and those who care about them, too, is all. And I know Nissa and Sabin would want me to keep helping their kin, to lend meaning to my life now that they're not here themselves for me to fuss over. But thank you, Lori; nice to know some of my efforts are appreciated. And I would say the same thing back! So there!

And hey, Kelly....let us know how things are going!

I too would like to know how you're doing. Please come back and let us know.