Hi everyone. We all have our hurts, our regrets and our unanswered questions which lead us to doubt. I am no different, but I need a little help here. Yesterday I took Tan, my huge big bear of a german shepherd to the vets. Tan was 12 yrs old and had been with me since he was a pup. He had been getting tired for a while now and had problems with walking but only the other day I came home to find him not at the front door waiting for me but sat up in the middle of the living room. He couldnt move to get to me. Eventually with a lot of coaxing he kinda hobbled around for a little while but was obviously uncomfortable and his little relaxing groans as he tried to lay down had turned to moans of discomfort. His head hung low and his eyes were sad and unfocused. He no longer showed any of that sparkle he had tried for so long to keep for me. He just looked tired, like he'd just had enough now. I stayed up with him all night, trying to help to make him comfortable, hoping he would perk up. He didnt seem to be able to get comfortable the next day either and didnt eat at all. So I took him to the vets. When I took his lead out he kinda brightened up a little and I prayed it would stay that way. I helped him into the car and we set off. At the vets he sat waiting to go in, but when it was our turn to be seen he couldnt get up again and I could see it in the vets face that they knew he wasnt getting any better. After they looked him over they told me they had also found a large lump in his tummy...this combined with his loss of mobility and his general demanour told them that putting him to sleep was the best thing they could do for him. I was in shock! I thought because he had perked up a little that they would just give him some pills and we'd be on our way again. They said it wouldnt improve his quality of life. Before I go any further you need to know I lost Midge a staffordshire terrier two years before in pretty much the same way and I stayed with her as she drifted away, crying my heart out. I loved her as my own child. The same way I loved Tan.

This time I couldnt do it, I couldnt stay with Tan as he drifted away. He wasnt alone I would never do that. He was with my partner who loved him as I did. But I couldnt be there this time, I remember the upset I tried to hide from Midge last time and I didnt want that to spook Tan and to be honest I just couldnt face seeing him go. So as my partner lay with him as he drifted away I took our 10 month old child outside where I cried my heart out all over again and called to Midge to be waiting for him when he arrived with her.

I know I should have been there now, I know it's what is done. But the hurt was too much for me and I feel I have let my Tan down. Why was I there for Midge and not for him? Did he know that? I dont know what I am asking of you...I really dont. I just know that if time could be turned back I would stay with him. It was all so quick and unexpected I just didnt have time to adjust, to face it.

Does my baby boy know? Have I let him down after all these years? The guilt is killing me. I KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM, HE KNEW THAT TOO...but at the last did I break my boys heart?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say except to tell you that your boy knows your thoughts and he knows what's in your heart so he knew how much he was loved. I don't think you let him down in any way. He wasn't alone. I wasn't able to be there when my cat Alley was put down in December. I was, and still am, 1100 miles away and it just broke my heart not to be there with her. Why was it different for you this time? I wish I knew. Only you know what was best for you, and your dog, at the time. Like you said, your tears and upset may have made him upset also and I know you didn't want that for him. I know also how it is for things to happen so suddenly like that. I found out that Alley was sick and had an appt. made for her on a Thursday. That afternoon they said she had no chance, there was no hope. Two days later, I made the decision to have her put down, so she wouldn't suffer anymore.

You did everything you could for him and he knows that and loves you for it.

Furdad, I am so sorry for your loss of Tan (and Midge too) We all have guilt of one kind or another. You did what you thought was right for him at the time and he was not alone your partner was with him. He was so exhausted as well as you from the pain. I know it was just relief for him to feel no more pain. I know it was with My Raggs the worse part of anything was watching him be in pain that was the one thing I could not stand and they say an animal will put up with alot of pain. As you said you were so upset you could not have helped him any. I was with Raggs but was not with another dog because I could not handle it. My husband could not be with Raggs in fact he could not even see him before we left for the vet, so we all handle things differently and we all look back after it is over and question ourselves. The most important thing you gave Tan a wonderful life full of love and joy and not all animals have this. He is at rest with Midge and as some time passes you will feel less fresh pain just like a fresh wound hurts your will get better. Mine has been 6months now and I desperately miss Raggs but it does not hurt as much. We go on with our memories . My thoughts are with you and come here and let out your pain and this in itself helps
Joanne (Raggs Mom)

FurDad,

...and on the other side of the spectrum, while I was there for my beloved Nissa, I was not only very shocky, but trying with every bit of remaining strength to not fall apart too much, for her sake....trying to stay calmer. And so I ask myself today, and many other days, did my LACK of being hysterical, as I'd been so many times before when she was ailing, take something away from her final moments? Did she feel like she wasn't with the Mommy she'd always known and loved despite her hysteria and lack of composure?

You see, no matter WHICH side we find ourselves on, it's never, ever perfect enough for our furkids....or so we imagine, and use to torture ourselves. But our kids....they accept our foibles and mistakes and lacks....and always DID, just as we did for them. In the end, it's ALL about forgiveness, and acceptance, of being the only way we knew how to be in that moment. I did things far worse than you with our beloved Sabin, and yet he still came back saying (through more than one communicator)...."but there's nothing TO forgive..."

Tan 'forgives' you for what you see as a lack, because he LOVES you and always will....and there's nothing you could possibly do, or not do, that requires his forgiveness. If the shoe were on the other foot and he had felt he might do you some harm by staying at your deathbed.....do you really think you wouldn't have understood, and loved him all the same? He knows your heart, then and even now....of that, be sure.

Dear Furdad, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Tan (and Midge too).It is so very hard to lose them no matter what the situation.Please don't feel guilty about not being there in the room with him.He knew you loved him and you made the right choice for yourself.Only you can know why you didn't stay in the room with him.When my boy Sox was being put to sleep I couldn't stay in there either,my husband stayed with him (I'll be forever grateful to him for that).I just couldn't hold it together enough to be in there.I, like you went outside to a small garden on the side of the building and cried my heart out.I know you feel bad about not being in there but you really were THERE for him,you were THERE for his whole life,loving him and taking care of him.He will always know how very much you loved him.Please don't beat yourself up about this.It can't be changed now and it won't benefit anyone to relive it over and over again.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your grief.We care, so please keep in touch and let us know how your doing.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Dear Furdad,

Your decision at that time was done out of what you felt was the best way to handle your shock and grief; your sweet Tan would have felt your grief and probably understood that you were near, but could not be right there. Animals are as perceptive, if not more perceptive, than we are. In fact, if you had stayed right there but had been overwhelmed with grief, Tan would have likely sensed that and that might have been harder, not easier, on him. Your scent, your touch, your love, all the good times Tan had had with you remained with him while your partner sat with him.

Please don't make yourself feel guilty any longer over this; you left BECAUSE of your level of love for him and being overwhelmed with the idea of his passing. He knows how much you love him. He always will.

When our hearts are so broken, we often don't know what to think or do; we react out of fear, impulse, and confusion.

You loved your Tan and always will. Tan knows this. Tan will always be there for you. Know this and find peace, much like if it was you passing, and a beloved friend or family member loved you so much that they had to leave the room because they were so emotionally broken, you wouldn't hold it against them; in your heart, you would understand.

Please find peace; always remember the love you both shared, because that is what lives on forever, no matter anything else.

Furdad, don't you DARE add guilt to the grief you are experiencing right now.

Tan knew for years how much you love him! Our love for our babies is not only shown at their moment of passing.

For all you know, Tan wouldn't want you to have that memory of him anyway.

Please don't do this to yourself. You're carrying enough trauma at the moment.

My heart breaks for you.

Jan

FurDad

At the last you gave your Tan the best gift you could have given him. He is no longer in pain and confused by it. You loved him the best you could his whole life, and you loved him the same way at the end.

You did the best you could. Not you or anyone else can ask more of you than your best. He was not alone. Someone had to be with Tan and someone had to be with your child.

I'm so sorry you lost Tan and Midge. Let it give you all the comfort it can that they are together, happy, well and playing together.

Thinking of you, Tan and your family

Thank you for your replies, they have helped me alot please don't think that they haven't. Thats my Tan in the avatar I just uploaded. I know it is still early days but I can't shake the feeling that I let him down. I know I panicked, sheer dread at what was going to happen...I hadn't expected it and I feel that right then I wasnt strong enough. I know I need to take all your words to heart and keep telling myself what you have told me...but its hard to stop the guilt, the thought of him being disappointed when he needed me most. That is what hurts me the most! Maybe thats how I should feel, kinda what I deserve. I have two short film clips on my phone, one of them is Tan and another dog playing with his mum (my partner) in a big field on a lovely day out we had a few years ago and he is happy and running around. The other is Tan from the night before the vets and he is sat unable to lay down and in obvious discomfort. I know now (at least I think I do) that letting him go was right, but it is just that horrible, awful, all consuming guilt I cant seem to stop. I'm so sorry to go on about it as you are all dealing with your losses too, I'm sorry. I miss my lad and am angry with myself. I'm sorry.

Furdad,
Guilt is one of the steps to healing. I took a picture of Raggs the morning he died ans it is very difficult to look at but when I feel bad I look at it and reminds me of how sick he was. But for now you know that nothing anyone says will ease the guilt except time and the step of acceptance. We all of course know of the death of Barbaro (horse) and something his owner said touched me "Grief is the price we pay for love". As the "Better to loved and lost than never to have loved at all" Time will be your healer.
Bless you
Joanne(Raggs MOM)

FurDad,

Tan is a beautiful boy, indeed, and I'm glad you were able to get an avatar of him up here, and in record time, too! (took ME months!)

I hope you don't feel that you need to censor yourself and your feelings here, on account of any attempts at advise or comfort. Please don't. What I say to other grievers is often just that...an attempt to comfort in some way, or to elaborate on a given 'sticky' point in grief. It's never meant as a hup-to, get to this point fast! kind of thing. We all need generous amounts of time to go through each tiny, baby step in mourning and often fall backwards right along with making some progress, but the process need never be rushed. In fact, it's often not wise to rush through it headlong, as that can mean you'll miss some very important steps that may come back to plague you later....or when you lose someone else dear to you.

Everything I said earlier aside, sometimes we need, as part of that process, to just sit in the guilt, then later, slowly pick it apart, bit by bit. One of the most important things to remember and always consider in grieving, is that it IS..a....PROCESS, and sometimes a very long and arduous one. So if you need to just keep feeling and talking about the guilt, that's quite all right. This is your grief, and no one else's, unique to you and the unique relationship you had with Tan. Talking about our hardest challenges in grief often serves to help us sort through them better and we can gain insight into ourselves and how we 'digest' our sorrow that way.

Your grief is still SOOO fresh, but as someone once said to me, you have the rest of your life to work through it, at your own pace. Perhaps what would help you most right now would be to allow yourself the 'luxury' of NOT trying to stop the guilt as it comes up? You might even find that you vaccilate between wanting to feel it and not wanting to, and that would be okay, too. Same with your anger at yourself. They're all feelings and deserve to be listened to, vented out in some way and respected as parts of grief. There's no need at all to feel sorry about anything you're feeling. Sometimes advise just comes too early to take it in and use it, so just file it away, or even forget about it entirely and do your own thing, cuz you'll need to do it your way anyhoo!

And don't worry about 'going on' in the face of others' grief. None of us has to reply unless we WANT to. Part of replying can be a form of therapy for us, too, but only when any of us is ready. Take gentle care...

FurDad

Just wanted to say how handsome your Tan was! What a beautiful boy. Things will get better I promise you. It just takes time. For me things got just a tiny bit better at a week, then at a month. I so admire you could come and post so soon, you are very strong.

Love

JOANNE, ryancat, ratlover, Jan, Moose Mom, and of course Furkidlets' Mom...thank you for your support, to be frank..I needed it so much. Your understanding and kind words have been a haven for me in a sea of tears over the last few days. Losing Tan has been an awful and heartbreaking experience and it has brought back a little of the sadness from losing Midge too, these things do I guess.

Today during a quiet moment in the office I looked out at the night sky, at first it wasn't anything special but then, and I dont really know how to describe it, I saw Tan and Midge sat next to each other kinda looking down. I'm not a religious person, I don't really know what I am, but something showed itself to me and I'm not going to try to explain what it was or if it was just me. It doesn't matter. I feel as though I saw my kids, as briefly as it was, and as though they saw me. For now that's enough to bring a slight smile as I remember my boy. The tears still come, the heart still aches and coming home is still something I don't look forward to anymore. I'm still crying typing away here. The loss of my boy still tearing me apart. Miss ya Tan Tan!
X

Furdad, my heart truly breaks for you. Please believe me, I really do know how much you miss Tan and I understand the trauma you are going through.

I really wish you wouldn't add guilt to your grief but I know there's really nothing I can say to make you stop. Everybody grieves differently.

There are no words to make you feel better. I know this. The only thing that will work is time. I know you know this. I'm about to go through the same thing (again) and it's already killing me.

I wish you peace.

Jan

FurDad,

It's so nice that you had this 'vision', call it what you will. The more of those, the better, I always say. Things like that help us feel closer to our kids. Personally, I see this as a sign, sent right from your kids, telling you that they ARE together and still with you, still watching you with the same eyes that always loved you and love you still. I'm not religious, either, but spiritually-minded, and believe in the spiritual plane (and whatever other planes of existence there are)....my Sabin showed me that this is as real as the physical...actually, MORE real...and Nissa has continued the 'tradition', though in a less bold and more subtle way (just like their individual personalities). Spirit guys and gals are always so pleased when we actually pick up on and acknowledge the signs and signals they send us, keeping that connection in sync, as it was here. But what's THE most important thing....is how it made you feel, and if you felt like you saw your kids, then trust in that and let that permeate your every cell, for that is what they want for us....some peace amidst this inner anguish.

I still hate coming home, too. That's gone from being a combination of fear, angst, dread, breathlessness and yet hopefulness and wishful thinking (that Nissa would somehow, some magical way...have returned, and be waiting for me)....to just a sinking feeling of emptiness now, as I walk in and see the house is still empty except for me. Even 5 months later, I'm so habituated to it that it's still hard for me to be away from home for more than about 4 hours at a time....as if I still have to get home and DO something critical and on-schedule for my girl. It's all really hard on the body, the mind and of course, the heart most of all. Even if a good 'teacher', grief basically stinks!

Dear Furdad:

I am so sorry for your losses. Please don't second guess yourself. You did what you needed to at the time and your Tan knew you loved him very much. Don't beat yourself up over this...and I do understand this is easier said than done.

Hang in there. Cry your tears; grieve your loss...it's perfectly natural. It's all apart of the grief process and the grief journey that you have just begun on once again.

I recently lost my cat of 17 1/2 years and it's really tough. I share the ache of your heart as well.

Sherli, Sable's mom

FurDad

What a beautiful vision of your kids! Together and happy. I know they showed you that to help your heart a bit.

Love