We found out last Saturday that our 14 year old miniature schnauzer, Pepper, has hemangiosarcoma. He has a tumor off his spleen that basically takes up his entire abdomen.

We lost his mama, Molly, on March 29th last year.

I first came to this site after suddenly losing our 10 year old black lab, Phoenix, in 2004.

Somebody please help me! The vet says there is absolutely nothing that can be done for Pepper. Surgery won't add any appreciable time to his life. So, I just have to sit here and wait for him to die.

I HATE THIS WORLD. I HATE GOD. HOW CAN THERE BE SO MUCH DAMN PAIN AND GRIEF IN THIS WORLD?

I can't stand it. I really, really cannot stand it.

Jan,I am so sorry that you are having to go thur this again......it is such sad news.I wish there was some way I could help you but I don't think there's anything anyone can do.If the vet said he can't be helped thur surgery then at least can't he advise you on when it would be time to aid him and put him to sleep? I know that is a touchy subject but you don't want your baby to suffer any longer than he has to,do you? I know that it is the most difficult decision you will ever have to make but it is one that is made out of unconditional love for him.We had to make that choice for our boy Sox back in Oct. He had feline diabetes and his kidneys started to fail.We had no choice but to put him out of his suffering and have him put to sleep.You don't have to go thur the agony of watching him die slowly.....maybe they could even let him come home and you could have the vet come to your house and do it there instead of at the vets..I'm so sorry that I can't say anything to make you feel better.I hope by knowing that your not alone and that there are others on this site who have gone thur the same pain as you are right now that it will help you to feel alittle bit better.My thoughts will be with you tonight.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Oh, Jan, what a beautiful baby...I am so terribly sorry this is happening. I understand completely how outraged you are. I, too, want to know why the innocent suffer, and the deserving are robbed of happiness and health. My fur son Larry, one of the sweetest and most loving creatures ever to walk this earth, was found to have this same disease, and I had to make the choice for him on Christmas morning. Larry was the light of my life. No amount of words can ever explain how dear and special he was to me.

We were so close, I always felt that when the time came for this, I would crash, just not be able to handle it. Then, suddenly, there came the time. I was not expecting it. So much of his earthly body was still so whole. But he had shown me his pain, and the emergency vet showed me the radiographs which explained it. I had no choice but to believe that there was nothing in his earthly future but suffering. And now there is little that anyone can do or say to make me feel a lot better. As a last expression of love, I let my baby go. That was the right thing, but it was just like cutting my own heart out. Never thought I'd have the strength. But for our babies, we find the strength somewhere.

You are in my thoughts tonight as you go through these terrible hours. I know you are wracked with pain. We are all here for you, that's all we can do, but we understand...the agony, the rage, the conflicting thoughts about what to do and how you are ever going to do it. Thank you for allowing us to share your feelings, we are all gathered around you and our hearts are with you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember that your pets are in a beautiful, wonderful, joy filled place, and you WILL see them again. They are luckier than us because they can no longer feel pain, hurt, or anything bad like we still can. Your pets would want you to be happy.

Jan

I'm so sorry about Pepper. My girl Alley, had to be put down on December 9th, because she had contracted a disease for which there is no cure, and like your Pepper, there was nothing they could do. I understand how you feel. Something like this not only makes you feel so damn helpless, but it makes you angry as well. Angry that this could happen to such a sweet innocent little soul. There are so many people in the world who do terrible things every day and NOTHING happens to them! Why does it have to be our little angels, who never hurt anything?

I don't know anything about Pepper's condition, but please make sure he doesn't suffer. I know you will do everything you can to make his last days happy and comfortable. I hope you can be strong enough to make the right decision if it does become painful for him.

We are all here for you, and share your pain.

Oh! I am so sorry for not making myself clear last night.

I would NEVER let Pepper suffer. The vet says he's in no pain right now - and we will know that it's time to let him go when he becomes too weak to stand up.

Last night was actually a good night. Pepper came RUNNING up to me when I got home from work. And, he had the old Pepper spark in his eyes.

I just know that there will be bad days ahead. And they will get worse.

But, no, I would never let him (or any of my babies) suffer.

Thank you so much for your posts. It really does help to know I'm not alone.

I am so sorry we are all in this boat together.

Oh Jan hun, I have only just read your post. I am so sorry for what you're going through...again. As you know I've just done it all...again, and I TOTALLY understand the need or want to shout at someone, to question why we have to face the heartache all over. Didn't we pay enough last time damnit!? I wish there was someone I could vent at, I'd certainly give you their number!

If I could find a way to gather myself some strength right now to help myself through what I'm going through I would certainly send some your way. I AM thinking of you and hope you find the best way through this.

Hugs

Furdad, thank you so much!

Pepper's getting weaker - just like the vet said he would. He came down into the kitchen tonight to welcome me home from work and his legs sprawled out from under him and he couldn't get back up on his own.

He did do okay once I picked him up and put him on carpet and he's been outside on his own a few times tonight.

I know everyone here understands what I'm going through. My heart is broken and I'm mad as hell! I know that's not nice. But, I am.

Oh jan I'm so sorry Pepper is getting worse. i know how hard this must be for you.

Just know that we are here for you, whatever happens.

Jan

I'm so sorry to hear that Pepper is not doing well. I'm so sorry you lost your Molly.


So why be nice? You're mad and I, for one, think you have a right. This just sucks. You are stonger than you think you are. Just love and hug and kiss your boy for as long as you have him. Be mad and to hell with anyone who thinks that's not right.

Please let us know how things are going.

Thinking of you and Pepper

You be mad! It's all part of what we have to do. I'm mad as hell, and yeh...still with myself sometimes but you know that. I know that feeling of helplessness and I'll feel it with you. We're here hun, only a message away.

Dear Jan,

I am there for you honey, my boy passed away on Christmas morning, the same damn disease too, its a terrible thing I am out of my mind without him...my heart goes out to you, as others have said, just love your Pepper right now as much as you can, tell him you will be together again, because you will... in heaven, and you are definitely strong and have all the right in the world to be angry, this is such a terrible thing to go thru, and watch your baby go through.

Try to put towels down so he doesn't have to walk on a slippery floors or area rugs, we did that alot in the end, and assure him when he falls that you are there to help him, I am sure he knows that... You have a beautiful dog, Peace and love to you and Pepper..Tory, Hrudey's momma,

PS Furdad, that is one beautiful Shephard, they are such lovely dogs, peace to you as well.

My Buddy, I am so sorry Buddy died from this hideous disease. Thank you so much for your post.

It is absolutely terrible, isn't it? My poor baby - I keep thinking I should be DOING something. And, there is nothing I can do.

I want so desperately to believe that we will be reunited with our babies in heaven. I'm having a lot of trouble with my faith at the moment. I have a lot of trouble trying to reconcile a "loving God" with the horrible capriciousness of life. Not only because of Pepper, but also, a good friend ours (human!) had a brain aneurism rupture on Christmas Eve and has been in a coma since then. Her husband will soon have to make the decision whether to give her a morphine drip and let her go, or keep the hope that she will eventually wake up and will be able to come back at least somewhat from it.

Too much pain. Too much grief.

jan,

it does all seem too much sometimes. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. What a hard decision that must be for her husband. No harder though, in my opinion, than when we have to make that same decision for our beloved animals. They truly are a part of the family.

I know you feel helpless and angry because your Pepper is declining and there is nothing you can do. But what you are doing, is most imporant of all, and that is making sure that Pepper's last days are full of love and attention and he loves you just as much in return.

I'll be keeping you and Pepper in my thoughts.

Pepper died this morning at 9:00 at home. DH said Pepper went outside on his own this morning to go potty, he came back in and went to his room (crate) for breakfast. DH put his breakfast down in front of him but Pepper didn't want it and he was breathing rapidly (panting).

DH came and woke me up and said "I think it's time" and of course I knew immediately what he meant. So, I jump up and I'm saying "Oh God, Oh God" in a panic, trying to find clothes to throw on, trying desperately to get in touch with our vet (his office is open every other Saturday - it was closed today). While I'm throwing on clothes, DH calls back upstairs - don't rush - he's gone.

Apparently, Pepper just laid down in his crate and died. He never made a sound and it was over extremely quickly.

Our hearts are broken. But we are thankful that he never seemed to be in pain (there was some discomfort but not pain that we could tell) and we are grateful he didn't have to go through the trauma of being put to sleep. I kept waiting for the tell tell signs that the vet told me would indicate it was time to put him to sleep - the panting (which only started this morning), and being too weak to stand - that never happened.

I miss my Peanut but I am so happy that he is no longer sick. I only hope we did not allow him to suffer. I never would have done that.

how sorry i am for your loss....how great for pepper that he was able to go outside on his own, then rest in his safe place and gently go in peace. no decision necessary....no guilt.....just lots of pain and loneliness for awhile. no words can heal your heart.....but others are here and sad for you.

Oh, Jan.....I'm so, so sorry about your dear Pepper. Another grief for you to face....but NOT alone! We'll be here for you 24/7 and you can count on that.

Though it probably won't seem so yet, it's a blessing that Pepper was fortunate enough to be at home where he was so loved, still going about his regular routine for the most part, not suffering unduly, with your husband by his side, and going so peacefully, so filled with grace. This is surely what could be called a "good death", the kind we all wish for our beloved furbabies, and even ourselves. I could feel the peace of it even as I read your story. I'm so glad you were all spared the need to euthanise and all the extra emotions that arise from that.

His beautiful spirit is now free from his ailing body and from what I've heard, a natural death brings clarity of spirit much more quickly, so I wouldn't be surprised if Pepper paid you a visit soon, to let you know he's fine, and still with you. This is what our Sabin did and he went on his own, too, though suffering much more than Pepper ever did. So take the peace that Pepper's quiet transition bespoke of and carry that in your heart as you mourn for, and miss him here. He gave you the kindest gift in his crossing so that you wouldn't have to hurt quite as badly as you might have otherwise.

Pepper....a sparkling soul who will always be remembered with great love. I send you and your husband all my sympathies for your loss today of your wonderful boy.

Oh Jan

I'm so sorry to hear that Pepper passed this morning. I would take comfort that his passing was easy, for him not you.

Thinking of you and Pepper

I've been following Pepper's story and I am so sorry for your loss. I know he went quickly but it is still hard for those left behind.

I think your first post with all of the rage and bitterness towards God, the universe, and the pain of multiple losses touched a deep chord with me and probably with many on this site. There are lessons to be learned when in this position but I wouldn't voluntarily wish it on my worst enemy. Most of us have our worlds turned upside down. There is sometimes a radical change in one's worldview and philosophy of life because of our experiences losing loved ones. I truly believe that we learn and are better people afterwards but it is one of the toughest of life's lessons to bear. I know that losing our Daddy Cat is what got my wife and myself involved in an animal rescue group. Because of our loss of our bunny Sir Francis there is now a little guy sitting here who faced euthanasia at our local shelter. Make the death mean more than bitterness and rage. Turn those feelings into positive actions by doing something in some way to make an animal's life better. Make Pepper's legacy the start of helping other animals by personal adoption when you are ready, give financial help to rescue groups, or volunteering at a shelter. We all are only here for awhile. It would be a beautiful testament to your love of Pepper if others are helped in some way as a result of his tragedy.

Take care and I hope your heart heals soon and leaves only happy memories,
Ken Albin

im so sorry for your loss of pepper. i know its hard.. but know that he is running free in rainbow bridge, free from disease and pain and he is wagging his tail and smiling pup smiles upon you.
bless you and take care , thinking of you..
michelle
poor-bear and kittens mom.

Dear Jan,
I know the pain is awful. I lost my baby to the same tumor. We had no warning, just one day she became lethargic and would not eat. We rushed her to the vets and was told the horrible news. The tumor on her spleen had ruptured and she was dying. We had to make that terrible decision fast. I came home without my beloved Nikki. Her toys were still laying around the house along with half eaten treats. Today it is two weeks since last I hugged her. I miss her terribly, but this site has helped to know there are others who love their furbabies as much as any other family member. I had a dream in which I saw my Nikki running towards me in a beautiful field with her tail held high and twinkle in her eyes again. This has helped me to know she is in a better place with no pain or loneliness. I still cry daily everytime I see some of her fur laying in a corner somewhere. Please know that we are all with you in thought.
Ramona

jan

I'm so sorry to hear about Pepper's passing. I know you have been "expecting" it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am glad the Pepper was at home with the people who loved him when it happened and that he didn't seem to suffer.

I know there are no words that can take away your pain, but I want you to know that we are all here for you in this terrible time of grief.

Rest in peace Pepper, play happy and free.