My Darling Pee-Pop, my Button, my Sweetie Pet*itee, The Girl Who Launched a Million Names,

I still can't really believe it. And all I do is think of you...a million images. How can you possibly not be here, with me, with Daddy, filling this now-empty house up with your huge, pink, fuzzy love...your Little Loudie yells, as announcements of your arrival in a room, as calls for playtime, as demands to go OOOUUUUTTT now, please!!, because you brought in a fluttery, a mousie or a birdie, our Mighty Huntress! A million conversations we had, you and I, every day, all thoughout the day. How many times did we clearly hear you call out, "MOooOM!"? How many ways did you make me feel special, fully loved, needed, useful, vital, alive? A million. How many cuddles did we share, in any ol' room, under a blankie-cave to keep us ever-chilly gals warm, your powdery-smelling fur sniffed so soothingly in-and-out of my nostrils, how we couldn't get close enough, we both loved cuddling so much? A million. Remember one of our last afternoon naps that you'd requested, where you placed your plush cheek right next to mine, with the corners of our mouths just touching, and we fell asleep that way? Only once, this new delight, and not as many as our lip-on-lip rests, but I've recalled it a million times, it was so heart-warming, so endearing, too. How many times did you make me laugh with sheer abandon, take me right back to your kittenhood and my inner child, getting that Kitten-Button, Big Button-Eyed look on your darling face and on your plushed-out head fur, when we had our rousing games with Bed Monstah, snake, flutteries, Plaid Guy, tubie, rubbery-O, mousie, feathah, cellophane and all your other 'friends'....a million. And the piece de resistance, my reason to live.....our kisses...my Little Love-Dove....oh, Niski....no one but me will ever know how you took me right to Heaven with your indescribable kisses, those so-soft, fuzzy lips, that talented tongue of yours that could deliver the softest, sweetest, light-as-air butterfly kisses that made me literally weep with grat*itude for you. And the full range in between, all the way to your ‘deep throat’ (), Passion-Fruity, make me laugh while trying to kiss, humongous smooches where Daddy would tell us to “get a room, you two!” Your insistent paws clutching my face, my neck, pulling me in ever closer, with your “NO talking! KISS now!” rule. Do you think we DID make it to our personal goal of “a miiiiiiillion kisses!” throughout your 19 yrs and 7 months here with me? I hope so, my Sweetest of the Sweet…because we both deserved that, and more.

This house in no longer a home...it's just an empty space where I try to continue existing. I always told you that you were such a tiny package but with a voice SO loud and clear (no matter how worn-out your body was getting) and a Holy Presence so HUGE that it filled our home and my life so completely, so wonderfully, so lovingly, that I could hardly believe it, could hardly believe that you were mine, all mine, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health….and beyond death seeming to part us. It just can’t; we can’t let it!! It’s been 5 long eternities since I was last able to see you, touch you, hear you, hold you, hug you, kiss you, rub and stroke you, do for you and know that my world was still okay, because you were still here, still in it with me. Tiny bundle though you were, you got me through everything ~ a divorce, an-across-country move, your brother’s passing, then my Mum’s and my own brother’s and all the family hell following their deaths, my own illnesses, the cruelties of this world. You and your ever-growing kisses and love got me through it all. And now how do I get through this irony, of your own transition? Please help me, my girl, Light of my Life, my daughter, she who is part of my very soul…help me, be with me still, keep our love growing, help me lift the thin veil so I can still have and hold you, forevermore, so that we can abolish this idea called Death. I will always need you. I will always love you, more than words can ever hope to say, and I will never leave you. I will never let you go….because you’re my girl…and we have a million more kisses to go. And just as I said it for your brother, I say the same to you now, because you are….my one in a million girl:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, ~ I love thee with the breadth,
Smiles, tears of all my life! ~ and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

I LOVE you, my Sweetie…always did, still do and always will...and I DO love you more after....
Love,
Mommy

FK's mom

I'm not doing too well myself today. I don't know if its the thought of those pictures in the mail on their way to me, I don't know if its dragging out the pictures of previous cats I have lost, maybe its just a bad day at work. i don't know. I feel a deep sorrow today and I can't seem to pull up any words of comfort for you or anyone else that needs and deserves it right now. I do want you to know though, that I am thinking of you on this sad anniversary, thinking of you, and of Nissa.


hugs

Paula

Nissa's mommy

I am so sorry for you today, I know how hard it is for you. Your love for your Nissa comes through so clear, so pure.

All the nicknames, all the games, all the special times. Both fun to think of and heartbreaking too. They are so good at getting us through the times we think we CAN'T get through. Our little kitty kleenex's. The question then becomes how do we do it without them? I don't really have answers, I know it's possible, I did it, I guess it's just one foot in front of the other.

The reality without them makes us such a different person. It can be hard to recognize what we become. In some ways better in some ways worse.

Thinking of you and yours on this sad day.

Love
Lori

Dear Furkidlet's Mom, I am thinking about you and your Nissa today.I know how hard it is for you and we all know how much you loved her and how much you miss her now.Your words are like poetry and all I can think of is what a lucky kitty she was to have a mom like you who adored her so much.She lived such a good long life and she will always be with you.She lives now in your heart and in your soul and you can visit her anytime you want to.All you have to do is think of her...I know the separation can be so hard, I miss my boy Sox so much too.Today I visited the humane society shelter again and the little guy who caught my eye had already been adopted.I was heartbroken but at least I know he will have a good home.I'll find the right one for me,it's just going to take some time.I'll be thinking of you and your beautiful Nissa tonight and sending you lots of hugs for you to make it thur.May you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your grief as many of us are still hurting right along with you.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

Thanks, you three, for caring. I know...what can anyone say? I know.

I woke up this morning with this song running through my head, over and over and over, and it still hasn't stopped...it's what I'm feeling like today. The 'coming back to me' speaks to me of possible reincarnation of my girl (and my guy).


Song: AGAINST ALL ODDS (TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW)

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

~Phil Collins~

FK's mom

I hope you got through your day yesterday without too much difficulty. I'm sorry I was not able to give you the comfort you need and deserve. I am just feeling so drained this week.

Since you mentioned songs.. the one that was playing on my way in to work this morning, is an older rock song that I don't care for too much but its called "Fly to the Angels" and there are a couple of lines in it that are really nice.

Pictures of you
Oh they're still on my mind
You had this smile
That could light up the world
Now when it rains it seems
The sun never shines

And I drive
Down this lonely, lonely road
Oh I got this feelin'
Girl I gotta let you go

Cause now you've got to fly high (fly high)
Fly to the angels
Heaven awaits your heart
And flowers bloom in your name

You've got to fly (fly high),
Fly to the angels
All the stars in the night
Shine in your name

I like this one because I often stand outside at night and look up at the stars, wondering if Alley is up there somewhere looking down at me. Her and Nissa are both flying with the angels now, and to me the stars Do shine in their names.

Lori, Alley's Mama, Renee,

Thanks, all of you, for sticking by me yesterday, in my hour of increased need. (don't worry, Paula, for not being as comforting as YOU wanted to be....you were here all the same, and that's what really counts) Like so many of us say here....I don't know what I'd do w/o this site and the caring people on it. It truly is a Lifeline.

I cried so much yesterday, my eyes felt like I'd been chopping onions all day; could barely open them by evening. And talk about exhaustion! Evening brought yet another sort of blow, as we were watching Atlantis. We'd missed the beginning and suddenly one character came on-screen, turned his head towards the camera, and my heart sank even further into the pit....one of his eyes was all black, just as one of Nissa's had been after her high blood pressure had killed it. I turned my head away, remembering, but not wanting to....not this part. If this was a sign, it was rather a twisted one, so I couldn't keep watching and we switched shows. I actually have had one of her pics taken after her eye was damaged, sitting right in front of me on the coffee table, ever since she left, because it's really a good photo and she's looking right into the camera, and it's how I knew her at the last anyway. But just as I often did when she was here, I avoid looking at that one eye and focus instead on her good one. I don't want to put it away because this was the reality I lived with for her final months, and of course I loved her no matter what was wrong with her body, or how it looked. It's not even that it looked bad (just like a very dilated pupil), but just knowing that my poor girl couldn't SEE out of it and that it caused her depth perception to be skewed is what bothered me. So this sudden reminder on TV really threw me for a loop. It sure wasn't how I'd wished to end this already-painful day.

I don't know who I'll end up being after the worst of the grief has settled down. Right now I still feel like Myself While In Mourning, but a much lonelier and more traumatized version....and bitter, from the few 'friends' who haven't continued to support me in any meaningful way, or who have actually made matters worse the longer time went on. We'd run into someone we'd supported (calls, a visit, cards, funeral, offers to talk) in her own sudden loss (her dad) before Christmas. Unlike me, she was fine, laughing, upbeat, with her daughter and SIL (whom my H has known for decades). She'd even had 2 more losses since her dad passed, but the notable difference was the support (level and amount) for her and her family. They didn't want nor need our company, so it was a wasted effort...again...on my part. I should have kept my own heart sheltered, as it was hurt one more time. In sharp contrast to this woman's experience, I now don't think there's anyone I love whose death would warrant better support for me (in person). As I kept asking with each death...just who is it that has to die in order for me to deserve more support?!?! My fur-son, my Mother, my brother and now my fur-daughter...none of them has been 'good enough' a loss, nor has the number of my losses in so short a time been 'good enough', either. So the import of how Nissa stepped up HER efforts, and never removed them no matter what else happened, no matter how much she, herself, had to contend with, is HUGER than huge....as is my loneliness now without her to 'save' me. I also always told her that I could never possibly repay her for all the love she'd given me, through this stuff, through just being who she was. To me, my girl was the ant*ithesis of all that's lacking in many humans and nothing could have ever been perfect enough for her. If SHE could rule the world, it would be the same as Heaven in every regard. And speaking of which, I SWEAR she sent me this song, right after Christmas...

Song: CHANGE THE WORLD

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth
That this love I have inside is everything it seems
But for now I find it's only in my dreams

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world

If I could be king even for a day
I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way
And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made
Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world

~Eric Clapton~

Furkidlet's mom,I just have to say that I absolutely love the photo you attached to your earlier post.......it is just beautiful! What a sweet and adorable baby she was.....and oh,so special too.Don't worry about what others say or do,you can't change the way they are so don't even waste the effort on them anymore.We know how much your still hurting and we will always be here to listen to you and lend you a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it.My thoughts and prayers are still with you every single night.Hope today was a better day for you than yesterday and that tomorrow is even brighter.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

FurKs' Mom.

I agree with Renee...wat a beautiful photo, what a spectacular portrait of deathless love and devotion.

From reading everyone's posts; I just have to wonder what has been going on in the universe the last few days that all of us have been hurting sooo much. I tell new posters that time will bring them respite from pain, and then after almost five months, I get hit by these awful waves of grief and misery.

Remembering you and your loved ones,
Dayna

Renee and Dayna,

Thank you both SO much for your compliments on that pic of me and my Nis', and for 'getting' the feelings inherent in it...that it's more than simply an "aaawwwww" pic. I sit and stare at it (and others I have) and feel both soft and fuzzy inside, but also so 'in the depths of despair', all at once. I just want this back again, ya know?

As for the other people, what makes it so hard really, is that there is now absolutely no one left for us to to comfortably socialize with when we need a break from all this sorrow, which of course makes the sorrow all that much harder to contend with. Even if we saw some of them for a bit of fun, I couldn't be really comfortable knowing I'd have to hide every smidgeon of my grief because they wouldn't want to tolerate it. While isolating oneself in the early parts of grief is common, I already know of the benefits of breaking out of this once in awhile, but now I can't...not with these people. I can't temporarily 'fill in' the emptiness from Nissa's departure with others, cuz they're not the right kinds of folks.

I often feel lately like I'll be the only one left, even here, with my pain still ruling my life, while others have managed to go on...with new furbabies and new hope...when I just can't take that route yet. It's strange, cuz when we lost Sabin almost 7 yrs ago now, and I didn't know about this site so went through it all alone (except for my Nis'), I just came to accept that it was gonna take a LONG time to get through....and it did. Yet now, I feel like I ought to be pushing it along sooner, and that's creating even MORE angst inside. I have to take this pressure off myself but am having such a hard time giving myself that permission! I think I'm just too afraid to hurt that long again, even if it's necessary to working through all the grief issues. For myself, I never tell anyone that Time heals pain because it's really what we DO during the passage of time that heals us eventually. Time, by itself, just goes about its own business. If we don't really resolve old griefs, we still don't heal well. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about grief, and mourning healthily, in such a short span of years, that I know this to be wholly true. Heck, I just worked on some old grief issues from when I was 5 and had suffered at the hands of my father when my first budgie died! After all this TIME, that intense hurt is finally gone, but it took some energy work to finally resolve the last vestiges of it. So I think that maybe too many people are trying to rush through the process...because let's face it, it HURTS LIKE HELL to stay in it, face it head-on and give ourselves the gift of patience in order to heal healthily and as completely as we possibly can.

Those waves are normal, though unwelcome. But that's just how grief IS. Up, down, sideways, back and forth, one step foward and two or more back. Maybe we're all just synchronized in the backward steps right now? But if we are, we're still normal and suffering normal aspects of grieving. And that's when we need the support from each other so much more. So thank you for being here, for both yourselves and for me.

I think the one thing we don't do is learn HOW to grieve. It's something we all have to do, if we live long at all. It's a bitch of a lesson too. At this point in my life I feel like I should have learned the lesson long ago, but I really didn't. I just tried not to think about it, so I wouldn't hurt so much.

When I lost Butch it hurt so much I put it all away. I threw his stuff out and put all his pictures in one album which I never looked at again. I buried him in my parents backyard and never went out there again. With the 10 years of hindsight I have now, I know that really wasn't a good way. This year on the 10th anniversary of his death, I could finally look at his pictures, all of them. What driving all that down did though was cause major depression. Years of it.

The death of Moose is letting me work on issues I'd forgotten about. I don't think I let myself heal from losing Butch, not till now. A wise friend told me to just let whatever happens, happen. No one wants to hurt, we are wired in our brains to avoid pain and seek pleasure. But if it takes a while to grieve, that's just what it takes. So others are handling it differently, so what? It takes as long as it takes and each person is different. Putting pressure on ourselves to 'get better' and creating more angst just makes it harder. I'm just hoping I'm getting it right this time, or as close to right as I can, and my right is only right for me.

Love

Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. If it takes you 10 weeks, or 10 years, to be able to think of Nissa without crying, or to considering having another little kit in your life, then so be it. When I'm able, I will get another kitten, because I can't stand not having one. It won't be Alley. It will hopefull be nothing like Alley, because then there is less chance I will be trying to make comparisons if the new one has a totally different personality. I know that any cat I try to compare to my baby girl, would lose, so I plan to get a little boy, a different color maybe and I will love him for his own self. I know any girl I got I would feel like I was betraying my baby girl and that no other girl could measure up. I know it makes no difference really, boy, girl, black, white, each cat is different and special in its own way and they ALL deserve a happy loving home. My bf probably thinks I'm nuts because I've put pictures of Alley up all over the house, on my computer, everywhere. I want to be able to see her sweet face whatever I am doing. I still cry when I'm laying in bed at night. I still cry when I think about "that day". So how long should your grieving process take?

It takes as long as it takes.

Paula

Lori and Paula,

I'm glad you both said what you did. It's confirmation of what I already know in my heart, but have been trying to find some sort of balance with....cuz healing from whatever is always about balance, too. I think most of this pressure has really been coming from others, and I've just internalized it now. Part of the 'problem' is that my therapist is, naturally, trying to get me to push myself more than she might otherwise, for a number of different reasons, but in large part because I DON'T have the amount of support that most other people have in one person or another. She's worried about me getting even more depressed as I work through the grief, so is bent on getting me moving along, with a few supportive aids that now need to be stepped up. And since she does cognitive therapy (essentially, doing = healing), that's her methodology. So while I now see the reasons for this push, it really DOES mean pushing myself while still being in that mode of not wanting to do much of anything yet. Makes for quite the dichotomy!

She's not saying, btw, that I won't still be grieving, but just that the effects overall will be lessened and therefore more manageable. I hope she's right cuz this is gonna take a LOT of effort on my part. I'm supposed to start walking daily if the weather's nice enough, get out of the house to do something I like (or used to have an interest in!) once or more x's during the week, and at least start work on one of the memorial projects I'd had in mind for Nissa. PHEW! I'm getting tired just thinking about doing more than just one of those things! One part of me knows I need to heal, but the other part wants to just sit with the pain. But I guess I'll give it a go and see if it helps.

I must say, though, that I just had an A.R.T.(Active Release Technique) trmnt. done on my arms (one has had 'tennis elbow' since last July; I didn't know WHAT was wrong with it, technically, until just this week) yesterday....and that alone has made me feel much better than I ever thought the relief of physical pain could! AND, I'm thoroughly AMAZED at the effectiveness of ART!! It's as wild as they claim it is! I guess I'd also forgotten how debilitating chronic physical pain is to your life, overall. So if I use that as a metaphor for the emotional pain...perhaps getting going on the grief WILL help. I hope so, I really do.

Aside from being sick yesterday from our dinner out the night before (WAAAAYYY too much garlic in one sitting, even for THIS garlic fan!), we finally got most of Nissa's vocal recordings edited, and put the allotted 12 seconds' worth on her Xmas ornament, as well as starting to work on the CD we'll make of the rest of the recordings. We ended up with her characteristic yowlly calls, playtime yelps and play-warnings, one beautiful purr, some sweet, little chirrups...though not enough room for our kisses and my sighs of contentment. But....

....I never thought it would affect me the way it did, even knowing it would be upsetting and comforting all at the same time. I LOST it! And I mean, REALLY lost it, inside. Since we'd put more spaces in between each yowl, chirrup, yell, mew, etc. and strung a few together so that they ended up sounding JUST like she did when she was calling us.......OMG, it sounded JUST like she was at the top of the stairs again, just like our REAL homelife....I just can't describe what this did to me, but I obviously accessed even more of the deepest parts of my pain than I've been able to to date....and oh, gawd, it feels BAAAAAAAD. To have her, but not have her, right here. It made it all too real and all too devastating, even more so than how it's all felt before now. I'm drawn to play it over and over again, and yet I can't stand to hear it, and then feel that utter loneliness of the soul, being deprived of the real essence of who my girl always was and all the love and delight she brought me. And these recordings were just that ~ a total capturing of her essence and soul's voice in this world. It was, in a word, brutal. Saying I MISS my girl more than life itself doesn't even come close to explaining it. So today, I'm running from the pain again, but it's not working very well. And this house that used to be a real home.....is just too deadly quiet now...

Nissa's Mommy

I'm so sorry to hear you've been ill, hope you are all better now. The sound of them, it's so hard. Something you want to hear and yet just cuts the ground right out from under you. Your CD is a treasure, but maybe one you are not really ready to hear yet. The video we have of Moose's first Christimas has him, of course, meowing. It killed me to hear it, I had forgotten how demanding he was even so small. It just made me sob to hear him yelling, 'feed me'!

Love